hello!! newbie alert!

[blondie]

Hi everyone!

My husband is a first year oral maxillofacial surgery resident starting this past June. We were on the west coast and are now living in the Bronx. I work full time have two little furbabies and also am trying to deal with balancing life in a crazy city with him gone ALL THE TIME. I have much to learn from you all and am looking for support and advice.

I have no advice but welcome!

[v-girl]

Welcome!

[blondie]

So I am going to ask what you girls think of my situation. My hubby has worked crazy hrs his first 3 months with call, a little better the next 3 with no call, and is now on a rotation for 2 months that has him gone just 3 hrs a day. It has been two weeks and while I am working full time- with a commute half the week. he has not helped me at all with any housework or cooking. He is studying very hard for his resident test in a few months ( i really do see him study more that i ever would) but c'mon really? Now I am not expecting much, but would boiling water and heating sauce be that hard? He gets very defensive about it and says he is studying and he gets so wrapped up in it. he still has time to go out to lunch with friends or play basketball etc. i feel like since i have been doing everything, he can just "check out" so to speak. what do you ladies think? am i being unreasonable?

[Meenah]

Welcome, and no you are not being unreasonable, but many of us here have a similar complaint!!!

[L.Jane]

Hi, and welcome. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would be furious if my DF went out with friends and played games but didn't help around the house. He'd be sleeping on the futon.

Welcome!

[scrub-jay]

Welcome!

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

That's really frustrating!

Welcome to the community...I am new here too!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to help, but it's not totally surprising that he isn't. I've found that expecting the dawkter to take the initiative and do things often ends in disappointment. DH (dear husband) will gladly do things if I ask him in advance and let him work it into his scheduling and studying at his convenience. So rather than asking him to do something immediately, I try to ask him a couple of days in advance. Or if it's something like dinner prep, I try to ask him that morning or when I make the grocery list for the week, so it's not a surprise. Good luck, and I hope you guys find a system that works. He doesn't get to slack off and make you do all the work.

[poky]

He gets very defensive about it and says he is studying and he gets so wrapped up in it. he still has time to go out to lunch with friends or play basketball etc.

This is the key. No excuse. He takes study breaks, he can swap laundry and do dishes and start dinner. You might try laying out exactly what needs to be done each morning or the night before, so he doesn't have to try to anticipate and think of what needs to be done; it could help.

[ides]

Welcome from another city dweller!

[MDPhDWife]

We've had similar issues before. We have since created a chore board desiganting everyone (including the kids) specific chores. Granted I do the lions share of the chores, but it's nice to know which ones I can count on DH to do.

I'm sure you are frustrated! I think so many of are/have been through this on and off! I think it's hard to expect them to "figure out" what needs to be done, and often they put on "blinders" to everything outside their world: but I think communicating with him about how you understand he is busy and has to study, but that there are somethings he can do around the house as well. My SO hasn't always taken the initiative when he sees me cleaning and he's surfing the web, but when I engage him and ask for his assistance, he usually is very receptive, or we talk about it.

Good luck and welcome~

[Thirteen]

Welcome!