Help please

[Helpme23]

Hi I'm new at this whole thing and I don't even know if this is the place to post this. I found this site looking for answers on the web and I'm kinda desperate in needing some people who can explain and understand what the hell is going on.

Im dating this girl who is older than me and she is in her 2nd year of med school. She's about to take her board exams and is very stressed out.
I am just finishing my undergraduate degree and here's where the story gets complicated.
she just broke up with her long term bf who was also a med student but a year ahead of her. Today she opened up about what was going on with school and I thought she was trying to say she didn't have time to hangout and explained if that was the case then I understood. Instead she got upset and said she was looking for some support and expected a different answer from me. But that her ex would have understood. He's not completely out of the picture yet and I feel like I messed up. I'm asking how do I fix it, what needs to be done so I can show I do understand and not force her to run back to her ex for things about med school.

That's it in a nut shell... Help

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! The Step 1 boards were the worst for my husband! There's a huge amount of pressure to do well, and it can really start to mess with their heads.

I'd ask her when she had time to talk and try the conversation again. See if she can give you some concrete ideas about the kind of support she needs. Is she hoping you could help by doing a few chores while she studies, or is she needing you to have regular conversations so she can talk about an process the stress? There's a wide spectrum of support, and if she's not specific about what she's looking for, you can't be as helpful.

Then there's the subject of the ex... She can't keep using him as a threat to your relationship. That's not fair to you. If she still has feelings for him, she needs to work that out with herself before fully comittting to another relationship (with you).

[diggitydot]

Run.

Yes, the boards (particularly Step 1) can make people act like asses, but the "Oh, so-and-so understands me better!" is a bullshit response to someone you're seeing, regardless of stress levels.

"I care about you and want to support you in whatever way I'm capable, but you're right that I don't understand everything that is happening in your world right now. So, either clue me in and let me be here for you, or beat feet. I'm not going to watch you yo-yo between dudes when the world doesn't fall at your feet on the off chance that you might pick me."

[houseelf]

I'm not giving her a pass to be an a** but I can not stress enough how critical Step 1 is.

[niener]

Welcome! The Step 1 boards were the worst for my husband! There's a huge amount of pressure to do well, and it can really start to mess with their heads.

I'd ask her when she had time to talk and try the conversation again. See if she can give you some concrete ideas about the kind of support she needs. Is she hoping you could help by doing a few chores while she studies, or is she needing you to have regular conversations so she can talk about an process the stress? There's a wide spectrum of support, and if she's not specific about what she's looking for, you can't be as helpful.

Then there's the subject of the ex... She can't keep using him as a threat to your relationship. That's not fair to you. If she still has feelings for him, she needs to work that out with herself before fully comittting to another relationship (with you).

This is great advice.

Her performance on Step 1 is absolutely critical to her future and determining what field of medicine she will go into. That said, bringing up the ex is not fair play. Because he's in the same professional field as she is but a few steps ahead, this won't be her last opportunity to tell you that her ex "would understand". She's under a tremendous amount of stress right now but that's medicine in general. She's going to be under more stress than most people probably are for at least the next 5 years, likely beyond. The rules of fighting fair need to be established.

Best of luck to you. Medical relationships come with their own set of complications but they're not without their rewards. Well, not all of them.

[MrsK]

Welcome.

LadyM's advise is awesome.

I had a thought when I was reading your message that perhaps when you suggested she may not have time for you while studying, she thought you were saying you didn't want to see her as much?

[Helpme23]

Thank you guys so much

Welcome! The Step 1 boards were the worst for my husband! There's a huge amount of pressure to do well, and it can really start to mess with their heads.

I'd ask her when she had time to talk and try the conversation again. See if she can give you some concrete ideas about the kind of support she needs. Is she hoping you could help by doing a few chores while she studies, or is she needing you to have regular conversations so she can talk about an process the stress? There's a wide spectrum of support, and if she's not specific about what she's looking for, you can't be as helpful.

Then there's the subject of the ex... She can't keep using him as a threat to your relationship. That's not fair to you. If she still has feelings for him, she needs to work that out with herself before fully comittting to another relationship (with you).

Thank you guys so much I've been trying to wrap my head around this forever. I've been dating her for 8 months. We met when she was single and we hit it off right away. Her bf came back into the picture when he heard I was becoming something serious. She left me early November to try to work things out with him but we kept talking and just tried to stay friends but kept being drawn to each other until finally she broke up with him and has been pursuing things with me, dates the parents intimacy etc etc.

Seriously I appreciate the help considering I'm trying to go to law school and after hanging out with her friends I realized it was a whole other exclusive world full of inside jokes and concerns that sound like an episode of house.

I really do see possible marriage here but the ex issue is something idk how to broach. He was her first serious bf of 4 years so ah its weird.
Can someone explain the process she's gonna go through? Like somebody mentioned step 1? How many steps are there what's involved? What main stress factors that I need to listen for?

[Helpme23]

Welcome! The Step 1 boards were the worst for my husband! There's a huge amount of pressure to do well, and it can really start to mess with their heads.

I'd ask her when she had time to talk and try the conversation again. See if she can give you some concrete ideas about the kind of support she needs. Is she hoping you could help by doing a few chores while she studies, or is she needing you to have regular conversations so she can talk about an process the stress? There's a wide spectrum of support, and if she's not specific about what she's looking for, you can't be as helpful.

Then there's the subject of the ex... She can't keep using him as a threat to your relationship. That's not fair to you. If she still has feelings for him, she needs to work that out with herself before fully comittting to another relationship (with you).

She mentioned about needing to talk about the process and that's why her ex would understand. Like I'll be honest I don't know what's involved. So just the process and venting. If you can help me with that too I'd love you guys forever!

[SuzySunshine]

You know I don't think we've ever explained the process from start to finish - that is probably something that would be useful to many people.

Undergrad
Med School
Years 1 & 2 - book work/studying/exams
Step 1 is CRITICAL for getting a good residency because in most cases that is the only score that matters. The old saying is 2 years of studying for Step 1, 2 months for Step 2 and a #2 pencil for Step 3.
Year 3 - clinical rotations
Year 4 - more rotations, sub-i's, applying for match (spending thousands of dollars flying all over the country), taking Step 2.

Match - March of 4th year - determines where you will spend next 3-8 years of your life depending on specialty.

Then the fun for residency begins and all bets are off depending on specialty.

After residency life gets a little better because there is (usually) more money, hours still (usually) suck and you learn quickly that this is the life you've been dealt so live in it, try to enjoy it and make the best of it.

[L.Jane]

I came into my husband's life 4th year of med school, and yes, its a whole new language you learn. Its a huge balance of give and take. When they need time to study and when they need your support. There are three steps taken over many years, and the steps occur dependent on the field of medicine she decides to go into. Stress factors include, but are not limited to exhaustion, typical school stressers with studying and competing to be the best, deciding which field to go into, and dealing with rotations that are necessary, but she might hate. After Med school she will have three to seven years of residency depending on her field. Then after that she might do a fellowship. When you go into residency you dont pick where you go, you interview at a billion places, then you make a list of your top places and submit it. The places you interviewed with make their own list, and then a computer matches you. On match day you get an envelope that tells you where you are going, and you go. When you are a resident you really dont have very much control over your life. You are a resident and if you are a surgical resident you will be working 80 hours a week for peanuts. YMMV, Family medicine is easier, but still no picnic.

As for the EX. This is a conversation you have to have with her. I live with my husband still talking to his ex and it was quite difficult for a while. The differences is, with our small world, I knew her before either she or I knew him. He was always reassuring me that he was fully over her and NEVER made me feel jealous. Even in this instance it was hard. She needs to be supportive of you and make sure you feel confident in the relationship too. Its a two way street, and going into law school, you are going to be just as stressed. The law situation SUCKS out there and getting through law school and getting a job right now is no picnic either. Plus, if you go straight into law school and in two years she matches, you might be doing long distance for a year.

Anway, thats just MHO ...

[diggitydot]

Here ya go.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unite...ng_Examination

[L.Jane]

She mentioned about needing to talk about the process and that's why her ex would understand. Like I'll be honest I don't know what's involved. So just the process and venting. If you can help me with that too I'd love you guys forever!

Sorry, I count this as a bullshit and unnecessary comment. Her ex isnt the only one who would understand. There are plently of other med students in her class she can commiserate with.

And welcome to the venting club, we all do quite a bit of that here when we need to. Other days we just prove that the upcoming reality show Dr's Wives, is as far from reality as it gets by posting about anything and everything that has nothing to do with being the perfect housewife/ trophy wife (or husband).

[Helpme23]

Here ya go.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unite...ng_Examination

Whoa..... Ty. So this step is not only the hardest but also determines a lot of her future

[Deebs]

Yep - this is huge. I'd be really worried about her need for someone who gets it. Is she going to turn to other docs, nurses, etc inappropriately in the future? This journey changes as she goes along, but doesn't get easier.

[diggitydot]

Needing to talk to someone who "gets it" is all fine and dandy, but that's what friends and classmates are for. Her desire to seek out the ex to the detriment of your relationship is kind of an asshole move.

Sister needs to shit or get off the pot. Keeping two peeps hanging? That shit is uncool.