HI! New here, hoping for lots of help, especially surgery spouses!

[WolfpackWife]

Welcome! Second year med student spouse here. One thing I've learned from my time on iMSN is that nothing is ever for certain until it's actually certain (specialties, locations, jobs, etc). DH and I have learned that we preface his specialty choice with "hope to be/hope to match into". It's important to tread lightly in medicine, you'll both learn it's a very small and sometimes finicky community! I'm not much for handing out advice, I'm still learning my way as well and have some of the same concerns that you do! Again, welcome, and stick around - this place is a life saver!

[MsSassyBaskets]

Welcome! My husband is a 3rd year too... stick around, I'm selfishly thinking that I don't know of anyone else going through the match next year!! Seriously though, this place is a wonderful resource for learning and venting about the whole process. My only advice - from someone who doesn't have any more experience than you do - is to try not to let the little things bother you. Too many med students and spouses I've met make a big drama out of it. That's not sustainable. Just keep calm and carry on! Hope to hear more from you.

Thank you all so much! keep them coming! I've been bad about waiting around for him... I need to be better about that. It's so hard not to wait for them when you haven't seen them in a while and you think you'll get the chance to! ugh. You guys can help me with that I'm sure. I can't thank you enough for the honest advice. I need some tough love so don't shy away

I'm glad someone appreciated the user name! haha

i hope I can help all you med student spouses get through the interview/match process too! So stressful. I swear all we do these days is look at statistics for different programs and specialties. Woof. There are so many.

Loving this place already.

3. There is no such thing as a "family friendly" NSG residency, if you mean "family friendly" in a way that it might be meant in family practice, pediatrics, radiology, Optho, etc. But that being said, neurosurgery programs don't care if you have kids. Many NSGs I know (us included) had kids in residency. But, having kids in no way affords you any breaks. (You can't be late because the kid feels badly. You can't take off two weeks for paternity leave. You can's skip weekend call because the kid has a birthday party.) "Family friendliness" shouldn't be his focus, anyway. NSG is about getting into the best program you can. The other stuff you just need to make work (dealing with an unfriendly program, bad location, etc.).

Yeah, I mean relatively family friendly. Luckily NSG has gotten such a bad rep for being crazy that a few programs are trying to be a little better. There are some residents we've talked to that can confirm that. Still not great hours by any means, but at least DH has put more stock into those programs than the super intense ones even though they are more prestigious. He's trying to keep me/future family in mind.

Thank you for the experienced advice! I hope we get lucky!

[GrayMatterWife]

Yeah, I mean relatively family friendly. Luckily NSG has gotten such a bad rep for being crazy that a few programs are trying to be a little better. There are some residents we've talked to that can confirm that. Still not great hours by any means, but at least DH has put more stock into those programs than the super intense ones even though they are more prestigious. He's trying to keep me/future family in mind.

Thank you for the experienced advice! I hope we get lucky!

Personally, I wouldn't be too gung-ho about a program that is trying to be more "family friendly." Really. Doesn't sound too hardcore to me. Look, anything that is not neurosurgical training is a distraction from neurosurgical training. I'd don't buy into any argument that a "well-rounded life" enhances one's ability to train better. You have seven short years to train to do some of the most involved, delicate, and demanding surgery there is. Any program that is worried about "lifestyle balance" or being "family supportive" or whatever sounds to me like they are taking their eye off the ball. This is not the time when you should be accommodated or supported in anything that takes away from your neurosurgical training. Don't get me wrong: it is COMPLETELY DO-ABLE to have a family and be a NSG resident. You don't have to be some sort of anti-social hermit. But making it balance is not the program's job--and well may be a distraction from being able to best complete its job.

I am sure that they will be many disagree with me...I've heard it all. But I've BTDT… But I am not suggesting that I am the end-all, be-all of info. I would definitely listen to other perspectives, too--the more info and perspectives, the better.


It's really not THAT bad. It is seven years. And it is not like he will be serving in Iraq or on a Navy SeALs mission or something. He's a resident. He'll spend a lot of time being berated and humiliated. And he'll get better as he goes, and then one day, the butterfly emerges from the cocoon of training. Also, I'd be EXTREMELY hesitant to buy into too much of a program's "reputation" in terms of malignancy, to determine whether you'd like to train there. We ended up at a top tier program with a horrible reputation for malignancy, but it was a great experience and our family flourished.

[JDAZ11]

HI! New here, hoping for lots of help, especially surgery spouses!

Hi! Welcome! My DH is also a neurosurgeon. We still don't have kids - so I can't really comment of family friendliness, but I agree with what someone said above about it being doable - and only 7 years.

Some years of residency are better than others (and that varies drastically by program) in terms of availability. I will also say that seven years (or more if he does a fellowship) of a resident's salary in a high cost of living city isn't going to be very family friendly unless you can manage with your income - but think about COL for sure when looking at residencies - would be pretty darn hard to live in NYC with kids - and almost impossible to hire a nanny!

But there are tons of programs in areas where I think you can make it happen financially.

[ladymoreta]

Welcome!! You've definitely come to the right place. I know I would have cried if DH had chosen any kind of surgery...

I guess my only piece of advice is to wait on having kids for several years if you can. Once you've been in your job long enough to get a feel for its flexibility and he's been in residency long enough to figure out some patterns, then you can work out whether a nanny or daycare would be a better fit. I agree, you have to consider sick days. (We just had a week out of preschool for a GI virus.) Also, if you choose a preschool over daycare when they get older, you'll need backup care for all the holidays and breaks. It's definitely do-able; many of our members have high-need jobs as well as their husbands, and they have very happy, well-run home lives. They just have to be organized and have backup plans for their backup plans.

[SuzySunshine]

I don't disagree with GMW at all, she's right. NSG is hard and should be for 7 years, do you want some slacker cutting into your brain? Programs may say they're family friendly but what kind of jobs do their residents get after? You're only 35 when you're done, it's not the end of the world to wait. And yes I also agree with waiting, my kids were born years 4 & 6.

[Deebs]

Welcome! Being a pharmacist will help you so much when it comes time to move for residency and beyond. I was in healthcare, and finding a job was fairly simple, as I was qualified for positions everywhere DH could have possibly matched. It also helped to have a very demanding job myself, as I was incredibly busy and didn't notice as much that DH was crazy busy, too.

[SoonerTexan]

Welcome! Put me in the camp with LadyMoreta as "would have cried had my husband chosen any type of surgery" but I bet you can do it. While med school is a cake walk compared to an NSG residency, we did just have our 2nd with me working full time and its been doable. I plan to work at least a few years of residency, provided it is an option, as well. Not gonna lie, having a flexible job (IT) and family nearby to back me up have been incredible lifesavers. Something to consider. We live in a relatively low COL area too.

So far we have done in home child care with people (other mothers) I know and trust, but may look into a nanny this summer depending on what options we have. It does suck to do drop off as pickup every day...and you will :/

[Vanquisher]

I believe that you can train a good surgeon humanely. Maybe training should be longer, but I don't agree that one should suffer malignancy for name sake.

[SuzySunshine]

I don't think good programs are all malignant. My DH's program was definitely not malignant, it was HARD and hours were long but they still treated the residents well and there were an insane number of kids born each year.

[GrayMatterWife]

I don't think good programs are all malignant. My DH's program was definitely not malignant, it was HARD and hours were long but they still treated the residents well and there were an insane number of kids born each year.

Mine, too. It had a reputation for malignancy. I think a lot of the "malignancy" was really about hurt feelings. The attendings insulted people when they made mistakes. Incompetent residents were fired (a policy which I support--I have seen the effects of incompetent residents being "passed along" and ending up incompetent fellows…and worse). Meh…that's kinda real life. a lot of bosses are like that.

We had three kids during residency; another family had four. I even know a female NSG who had a baby during fellowship. It is not impossible or even unreasonable.

[peggyfromwastate]

Welcome!

As far as your questions, I would urge you to focus on your relationship here and now, and get that established while he's in med school and has a bit of time. I sometimes go down the planning road where one possibility leads to another leads to another, and it's good to think ahead but maybe not worry a lot about details. In medicine a lot of decisions are just not in your control. Take each hurdle as it comes (marriage, match, residency, children...). Easier said than done... I know.

[houseelf]

Hi and welcome.

As much as you can try to take it one day at a time and don't get to far ahead of yourself.

Best wishes.