new here but not new to being a medical spouse

[minipie]

Hi all,

I was googling "medical resident divorce rates" and found this site -- lol! So I signed up and now want to introduce myself.

I'm married to a 3rd year child neurology resident. We recently moved over from Germany so my husband could retrain in the US (I'm American, he's German). Previously he was working as a professor in Germany and had already completed his training in pediatrics and child neurology across the pond. We have two young kids (1.5 and nearly 4).

My husband started his residency on July 1 this year (he was able to bypass the two years of general pediatrics and started out directly in neurology, hence 3rd year status), and this is already so hard, nothing like what it was for us in Europe. I work full time as well, and the entire burden of maintaining our lives -- raising the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, making sure our house doesn't burn down -- falls on my shoulders. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. My husband leaves for work everyday before the kids are awake and is home usually after they're in bed. I feel like a single parent. I earn significantly more money than my resident husband, so sometimes I feel like I might as well be one!!!

I have no thoughts or intentions of divorcing him. I actually love him very much and when I'm able to spend more than 10 awake and coherent minutes with him, I'm very happy. This lifestyle is just not working for me though, and we're only at the beginning of it. I already feel like I am sub-par at everything I'm doing -- being a mother, keeping our house in running order, being a wife, etc. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 3 years (and honestly, this lifestyle probably won't end with his residency...).

I know I signed up for this, so I'm not looking for pity. All I'd really like is a place to talk to people who understand what this is like because nobody in my real life has any idea. Anyway, thanks for letting me say hi! I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone.

[Vanquisher]

You've come to the right place! We speak your language!!

Can you use a little money to outsource and take a thing or two off your plate? If you can, it's worth it. I honestly don't know how I made it through residency. It's very, very tough. You have to be a very strong person. One day at a time!!

[v-girl]

Welcome!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! This site has been a lifesaver for me! We truly get it, and we are here for you, whenever you want to come vent or share the good and bad that comes with this crazy life.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Welcome! I'm sorry you're struggling with the lifestyle, but we totally get it!

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

new here but not new to being a medical spouse

Whoops! Duplicate!

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group. We get it. I promise. Feel free to head on in and vent when shit heads sideways. We speak your language here.

[Ladybug]

Glad you're here!

[MAPPLEBUM]

Welcome! You sound very strong. Glad you found us!

[PrincessFiona]

Welcome from another American married to a German! We did some training in Germany and the UK before settling in the US.
Kris

[ides]

Welcome!

[OrionGrad]

Welcome!

[minipie]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome! It already makes me feel slightly less crazy knowing that there are other people out there who get it.

I'm really looking forward to getting to know everyone and hearing everyone's stories and tips for surviving. What are the more active parts of the forums? Is there any good place to get started?

Kris, I'd be particularly interested in learning more about your story, as a fellow German/American medical family. The move over here has been challenging for us (and the kids) in a lot of ways.

Thanks so much again everyone!

[PrincessFiona]

My story isnt all that interesting. I met dh when he was a medical student in Giessen, Germany. I was an exchange student. We had a whirlwind romance. We actually decided to get married on our first date. DH started residency in Stuttgart and we moved down there and got married. We lived in the Stuttgart area for 1.5 years. Then we moved to Portadown, Northern Ireland for a year for him to learn medical English (and for us to have a fun adventure). He basically did AIP in Stuttgart and then worked as a senior house officer in NI. After that, we moved to the US and started over. As you know, much of training abroad is not accepted here. Fortunately, we only had to repeat 2.5 years of training.

We moved to the US in 1996 with a 15 month old and a newborn. We did residency and fellowship here and have added three more children to the mix.

Unfortunately, we have not had many opportunities to return home to Germany.

Kris

[minipie]

Wow, Kris how romantic! How interesting that you guys have been able to live in several different places. My DH and I met in Australia while he was on a research fellowship and I was a research assistant. After 2 years together in Aus, he moved to Kiel for his residency while I moved to the US for my master's degree. We had a two year long distance relationship, and then I moved over to Kiel after I finished my master's. We got married shortly thereafter. He was in Kiel 7 years total, and I was with him over there for 5. Both our kids were born there. I really miss Germany. It was definitely difficult being a medical spouse over there, but I got so much more support (for example when the kids were born -- 12 months maternity leave!). He was often on call, working nights, and traveling for conferences, but it just felt more manageable. The pace over in the US is a little overwhelming.

I think I could have happily remained in Germany, but DH actually wanted to come over to the US to retrain. It was a "now or never" type thing. He had been working as a "Facharzt" in neuropediatrics, so there was nothing more for him to do there. The research opportunities are better over in the US and he matched to CHOP, so it just seemed like the right decision. We're hoping we only have to do 3 years of retraining, but we have to see if the board of Child Neurology will accept his 2 years of general pediatrics from Germany. God I hope so!! I don't know if I can handle 5 years of this residency nonsense!

Big time kudos to you for navigating the medical family lifestyle with 5 kids!!! Sometimes I think I'd like to have a third baby, but realistically, I'm at my breaking point with two. IF we did have a third, I'd really want to wait until his residency is over, but by that point I think we might be too old. I think I should be grateful for what we have.

Anyway, thanks so much again to everyone for making me feel welcome. I hope you're all getting some time with your spouses (or maybe even for yourselves?!) this weekend!