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Glad to see I am not alone (ad commitment advice please)

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  • #16
    Welcome!

    I met my husband at 25, moved in together at 27, married at 29 (coming up on 10th anniversary). My husband is also four years older than I am. Your needs as you describe them in your post are very reasonable. In fact, I think just about anybody would agree this is a low-maintenance-girlfriend situation. Even your very low needs are not being met in this relationship, and that definitely should be of concern to your boyfriend. You should not be made to feel like you are an annoyance or a chore or are invading his space.

    I agree that this is not a medical training/residency problem. 60-70 hours a week is a lot of work, but it does leave time to make someone feel valued, and he is not doing that. It may well be a depression thing (self-medicated with running), but being completely closed to seeking treatment for mental health does not bode well. And even if it's just a stress thing, that doesn't bode well, either--one hallmark of couples who make it long-term is that they turn toward one another in trying times instead of away.

    How long has he been like this, and what was it like before? Does he agree that things have changed and have any vision of them changing back?

    And when you're 34 and six years into a relationship, it's time to put away the "you're pressuring me" card. That's not pressure. People with crappy childhoods may need some extra time to get to a healthy place, but they still need to show that they're likely to get there eventually.

    So I feel like you are gearing up for a serious talk and you're asking us, "are these things that I want to bring up crazy or unreasonable?" and I'll say, like pretty much everyone else: No, none of the things you mention is unreasonable. You are not crazy or clingy or too demanding. It should definitely be okay to talk about all of the issues that you mentioned and to ask for more than you are currently getting. If anything I worry that your expectations are too low, but you know what your needs are better than we do. I would wait until the least stressful part of his week to have the discussion, but if he has weekends off, there should definitely be a time in there where he's ready to talk.

    I would not move in with him with things in their current state. Things could change--I've seen it before--but if they don't, I wouldn't add living together to your current situation.

    ETA: Oh! I just saw in the other thread that he's in pathology! So is my husband. I think compared to a lot of specialties, there is a much more even and level experience between pathology training and post-training. The hours and stress and call are likely to not improve much. If he is in a very toxic or abusive work environment that is causing him to be depressed, that would likely change when he changed workplaces, but if he doesn't have time for you now, he's not likely to have time for you later.

    Best of luck to you, no matter what!
    Married to a hematopathologist seven years out of training.
    Raising three girls, 11, 9, and 2.

    “That was the thing about the world: it wasn't that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn't expect.”
    Lev Grossman, The Magician King

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    • #17
      Welcome to the group!!! I agree with all the advice you have been given so far. When hubby was my boyfriend we had a serious talk at our 2 yr and by our 5 yr anniversary we both knew we were going to get married and moved in with each other. For engaged for a year and got married but personally at this point if your relationship, things need to be discussed and hopefully everything works out for you!


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
      wife to PGY1 GS and two little girls, and 1 annoying dog

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Ladybug View Post
        Welcome! His underlying issues are not related to his medical career. There are plenty of MDs that have gone through the training process and still prioritized their relationships as much as humanly possible. You sound like a very intelligent and loving person. Do you really want to make somebody marry you? He should be tripping over himself to ask you. I would give him some space and stop being available to him without a bigger commitment. You deserve better than what he is offering at this point in time.

        Good luck!!!
        Thank you for your response. I had the serious talk with him last night and it was difficult. I offered to get into things slowly in that I can stay overnight even in another room. He used to seem like he felt emotion, but this time none. He said he likes being alone and doesn't want to move in, but he will think about it, whatever that means. The person I knew until the past year would have been a little more open. His mother warned me that he probably is also acting this way since he never had good role models and a very bad childhood (which I know and indicated in my intro). I am scared. His next rotation starts in a few weeks and he warned me expect almost nothing. I don't want to make him marry me as I want to be asked too. It just seems like he has changed. I am thinking your suggestion sounds interesting. What do you think is a reasonable way to give him any more space?

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Deebs View Post
          Welcome! Since you're asking for advice...60 work hours a week leaves time for you. It's a matter of priority..
          This. Honestly, sixty hours a week in my husband's subspecialty is a heavy-duty part time job. Your guy should be making time for you!

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          • #20
            Originally posted by mcsmitheslc View Post
            Thank you for your response. I had the serious talk with him last night and it was difficult. I offered to get into things slowly in that I can stay overnight even in another room. He used to seem like he felt emotion, but this time none. He said he likes being alone and doesn't want to move in, but he will think about it, whatever that means. The person I knew until the past year would have been a little more open. His mother warned me that he probably is also acting this way since he never had good role models and a very bad childhood (which I know and indicated in my intro). I am scared. His next rotation starts in a few weeks and he warned me expect almost nothing. I don't want to make him marry me as I want to be asked too. It just seems like he has changed. I am thinking your suggestion sounds interesting. What do you think is a reasonable way to give him any more space?
            Any more space and you'll be dumping him. Honestly, I'd be gone. Regardless of the underlying issue (depression, bad childhood, stressful career, etc.), he's not stepping up to the plate. What is it about this guy that you're willing to tolerate that? He just seems unwilling to address your concerns, which doesn't set a good tone for future commitment up to and including marriage. You appear to have a very full life without him. I'm having trouble understanding what he does to encourage you and support you, but I am seeing where he is routinely detracting from your happiness and stability.

            Even if he is not willing to go to a couple's therapist, therapy may be something for you to proceed with on your own so you can examine why you've remained in this relationship for 6 years and want to continue pursuing it.

            I understand this probably comes across as rude/harsh, but you sound like someone with a lot to offer to a partner--your partner should be offering the same to you. Maybe he can't offer all of that all the time (and you probably can't either), but your partner needs to be capable of and willing to support you. I don't sense that here, so I'm not sure what you're getting out of it. :/

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            • #21
              Originally posted by rufflesanddots View Post
              Any more space and you'll be dumping him. Honestly, I'd be gone. Regardless of the underlying issue (depression, bad childhood, stressful career, etc.), he's not stepping up to the plate. What is it about this guy that you're willing to tolerate that? He just seems unwilling to address your concerns, which doesn't set a good tone for future commitment up to and including marriage. You appear to have a very full life without him. I'm having trouble understanding what he does to encourage you and support you, but I am seeing where he is routinely detracting from your happiness and stability.

              Even if he is not willing to go to a couple's therapist, therapy may be something for you to proceed with on your own so you can examine why you've remained in this relationship for 6 years and want to continue pursuing it.

              I understand this probably comes across as rude/harsh, but you sound like someone with a lot to offer to a partner--your partner should be offering the same to you. Maybe he can't offer all of that all the time (and you probably can't either), but your partner needs to be capable of and willing to support you. I don't sense that here, so I'm not sure what you're getting out of it. :/
              I agree. This is not coming across as a reciprocal relationship. I'm so sorry.

              Just for comparison, my dude's residency and fellowship hours were 80-120/week. We have three kids and he was still an active participant in the family during that time. Now that he's post training, hours are still around 70-80 per week and he's even more of an active participant.

              This isn't an issue of "can't".

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