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I met my husband at 25, moved in together at 27, married at 29 (coming up on 10th anniversary). My husband is also four years older than I am. Your needs as you describe them in your post are very reasonable. In fact, I think just about anybody would agree this is a low-maintenance-girlfriend situation. Even your very low needs are not being met in this relationship, and that definitely should be of concern to your boyfriend. You should not be made to feel like you are an annoyance or a chore or are invading his space.
I agree that this is not a medical training/residency problem. 60-70 hours a week is a lot of work, but it does leave time to make someone feel valued, and he is not doing that. It may well be a depression thing (self-medicated with running), but being completely closed to seeking treatment for mental health does not bode well. And even if it's just a stress thing, that doesn't bode well, either--one hallmark of couples who make it long-term is that they turn toward one another in trying times instead of away.
How long has he been like this, and what was it like before? Does he agree that things have changed and have any vision of them changing back?
And when you're 34 and six years into a relationship, it's time to put away the "you're pressuring me" card. That's not pressure. People with crappy childhoods may need some extra time to get to a healthy place, but they still need to show that they're likely to get there eventually.
So I feel like you are gearing up for a serious talk and you're asking us, "are these things that I want to bring up crazy or unreasonable?" and I'll say, like pretty much everyone else: No, none of the things you mention is unreasonable. You are not crazy or clingy or too demanding. It should definitely be okay to talk about all of the issues that you mentioned and to ask for more than you are currently getting. If anything I worry that your expectations are too low, but you know what your needs are better than we do. I would wait until the least stressful part of his week to have the discussion, but if he has weekends off, there should definitely be a time in there where he's ready to talk.
I would not move in with him with things in their current state. Things could change--I've seen it before--but if they don't, I wouldn't add living together to your current situation.
ETA: Oh! I just saw in the other thread that he's in pathology! So is my husband. I think compared to a lot of specialties, there is a much more even and level experience between pathology training and post-training. The hours and stress and call are likely to not improve much. If he is in a very toxic or abusive work environment that is causing him to be depressed, that would likely change when he changed workplaces, but if he doesn't have time for you now, he's not likely to have time for you later.
Best of luck to you, no matter what!
I met my husband at 25, moved in together at 27, married at 29 (coming up on 10th anniversary). My husband is also four years older than I am. Your needs as you describe them in your post are very reasonable. In fact, I think just about anybody would agree this is a low-maintenance-girlfriend situation. Even your very low needs are not being met in this relationship, and that definitely should be of concern to your boyfriend. You should not be made to feel like you are an annoyance or a chore or are invading his space.
I agree that this is not a medical training/residency problem. 60-70 hours a week is a lot of work, but it does leave time to make someone feel valued, and he is not doing that. It may well be a depression thing (self-medicated with running), but being completely closed to seeking treatment for mental health does not bode well. And even if it's just a stress thing, that doesn't bode well, either--one hallmark of couples who make it long-term is that they turn toward one another in trying times instead of away.
How long has he been like this, and what was it like before? Does he agree that things have changed and have any vision of them changing back?
And when you're 34 and six years into a relationship, it's time to put away the "you're pressuring me" card. That's not pressure. People with crappy childhoods may need some extra time to get to a healthy place, but they still need to show that they're likely to get there eventually.
So I feel like you are gearing up for a serious talk and you're asking us, "are these things that I want to bring up crazy or unreasonable?" and I'll say, like pretty much everyone else: No, none of the things you mention is unreasonable. You are not crazy or clingy or too demanding. It should definitely be okay to talk about all of the issues that you mentioned and to ask for more than you are currently getting. If anything I worry that your expectations are too low, but you know what your needs are better than we do. I would wait until the least stressful part of his week to have the discussion, but if he has weekends off, there should definitely be a time in there where he's ready to talk.
I would not move in with him with things in their current state. Things could change--I've seen it before--but if they don't, I wouldn't add living together to your current situation.
ETA: Oh! I just saw in the other thread that he's in pathology! So is my husband. I think compared to a lot of specialties, there is a much more even and level experience between pathology training and post-training. The hours and stress and call are likely to not improve much. If he is in a very toxic or abusive work environment that is causing him to be depressed, that would likely change when he changed workplaces, but if he doesn't have time for you now, he's not likely to have time for you later.
Best of luck to you, no matter what!
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