Hello from Maine

[MarissaNicole]

I hope you can find new work soon. That commute aounds rough!

Wife of a PGY-6

[Lynnea]

Allison- where do you live?

[MrsC]

Welcome! I never made it to Maine when we lived in the Northeast (NH) but hope to soon. I miss the fall! It's nice here in PA but passes quickly. I hope a new job opens up soon for you.
We're in a smallish town and I found meetup to be a good way to meet people. They often have hiking groups and things like that.

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[alotofyarn]

Allison- where do you live?

I'm in the New Orleans area.

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[EvieLee]

Hello from Maine

I totally feel you on the hard place to find friends thing - I'm not even in a small town. I'm so jealous of the beautiful area you're in though, because it is not so beautiful here, and I miss being able to do nice things outdoors.

Haha I hear you on this one!!!! It's a strange place.

Welcome [MENTION=5081]Lynnea[/MENTION] and I hope you stick around. I'm a newbe here too and fiance to an MS3. I went searching for people who understood and I ended up here

Just know you aren't alone


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[Lynnea]

Haha I hear you on this one!!!! It's a strange place.

Welcome @Lynnea and I hope you stick around. I'm a newbe here too and fiance to an MS3. I went searching for people who understood and I ended up here

Just know you aren't alone


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EvieLee- thank you for that! I am having a really rough time with this transition. I'm worried he's not going to have time for me and I will no longer feel special to him now that he's in medical school. But that's why I'm here to try and avoid feeling the way I do now! When did you get engaged? We have been talking a lot about that and marriage and trying to find ways to keep moving forward with our relationship while he's in school. Do you have any suggestions to help through this process?

[EvieLee]

[MENTION=5081]Lynnea[/MENTION] I'm sorry it's been so tough I hope you can dig deep and find it in yourself to get through it. Like I said I'm only new here but my suggestion is finding meaningful things in your life that you can do with or without BF so keep up all those hobbies you've mentioned. Its not easy. Also be kind to yourself and BF and give yourselves time I adjust to the new life and establish those important routines that often help us feel a bit more stable.

I just wrote a small novel asking for advice in one of the private forums. So believe you me I'm no expert
We met at the start of MS1 got engaged at the start of MS2.
This will sound silly but cherish the time you do have. Even if that's just doing the grocery shopping together or cooking dinner. It's all special and if you can look at it as precious time instead of wishing it was more then it makes the time a bit healthier and happier (in my experience anyway).
I hope this helps.
It truly is a great bunch here.


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[Lynnea]

Thank you! Every little bit helps these days!
Have you felt medical school has hurt your relationship at all up until this point? Or have you found it to be not so bad? It's funny because I am the crazy person that googles things like being in a relationship with a medical student, and I tell you what the responses are usually very negative and scary. Basically everything I've read says unless you can suck it up it won't work haha so it really helps hearing from people who are going through it also and are making it work and are happy.

[gcuthbe1]

We moved from NH to ME, I have been unable to find a job in Maine so I commute 2 1/2hrs to work. As I said I'm a full time Paramedic but luckily my schedule has been arranged so I only have to make the commute twice a week. I just want to feel secure and know that we are going to have not only a successful career but a successful family and home life as well. Family is so important to me and I want one of my own in the near future. Hoping we can handle it all and still be okay.

If it makes you feel better, 2.5 hour commutes each way are surprisingly not uncommon in NYC, and people don't do it temporarily (to afford a nice home with some land ppl move far out in NJ and Long island and take the train, but that's another story).
I'm assuming you have to drive, so I've heard people recommend books on tape from the library! Maybe you can learn something or find your time spent in transit more enjoyable!

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[SoonerTexan]

We moved from NH to ME, I have been unable to find a job in Maine so I commute 2 1/2hrs to work. As I said I'm a full time Paramedic but luckily my schedule has been arranged so I only have to make the commute twice a week. I just want to feel secure and know that we are going to have not only a successful career but a successful family and home life as well. Family is so important to me and I want one of my own in the near future. Hoping we can handle it all and still be okay.

I've been here since he applied to med school and he is now a PGY-2. We had one child in MS2, one in MS4, and one due this year, so it is definitely possible to have a family. Med school had its rough points--like studying for Step 1--but for the most part, it was a pretty happy time in our lives. 3rd year was the worst, 4th year was the best.

It's funny, because honestly my first thought is, "med school with no kids yet? Eh, it wasn't really that hard." Except I do remember sharing many of your concerns and posting about it ad nauseam, so you are in the right place

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! Looking forward to getting to know you! I had a really hard time making friends after moving as well. In both medical school and attendinghood, it took about two years to start building a good friend base. (I lucked out during residency and had a friend from high school in the same city, and she introduced me to some of her friends.) Good luck with find a closer job. That should ease some of the stress.

[WolfpackWife]

I am the crazy person that googles things like being in a relationship with a medical student, and I tell you what the responses are usually very negative and scary. Basically everything I've read says unless you can suck it up it won't work haha so it really helps hearing from people who are going through it also and are making it work and are happy.

That is essentially exactly how I found iMSN - by googling something along the lines of "husband in medical school and I don't think I can do it". It's a HARD transition. Like, way harder than I thought. I've been with my husband 9 years, married for 3, and he started med school at 27 (I had just turned 26). We're at the beginning of MS-4 now and gearing up for the match. This process has been loaded with ups and downs. And, I'll be honest, a fair bit of hard realities that I didn't see coming (i.e. the sheer amount of debt, the lack of control, the potential to never live where you want to live, the absolute TIME SUCK this whole career is, etc.)...but knowing what I know now, it's easier to look ahead with tempered expectations and for us to mutually plan what we want for our life so we can work to achieve it together. Four years ago I thought I wouldn't be happy unless I had a husband who was home at 6 for dinner every night and didn't work every weekend. It was really tough to swallow that would never be a reality for this career. But now that I know that, I can look forward to the ways his schedule will be good - what if he's in a specialty that works 7 days and is off 7 days? What will it be like when/if he doesn't have to take call very often after fellowship? Won't it be nice when he's more established and has many weeks of vacation each year (all of these things vary with specialty and location, but still..it's something) Things like that.

I'll be the first to tell you I am pretty negative about the whole thing because it's so much harder than I thought, and there is so much more sacrifice on the behalf of the medical spouse than there is the actual doctor (IMO)...and every sacrifice we make as a partner is all for the good of a career that isn't yours. That's not everyone's outlook, but on worse days that's how I see it. But just know that a) everyone on iMSN has been in dark, sad, unsure waters, and this place has helped them through it b) yes, there are bad experiences, specialties that are unforgiving for decades, etc...but there are also SO MANY medical spouses who are happy and at peace with their partner's careers that they never needed a support group! Hell, on iMSN alone you'll find that people were once very active and in recent years have dropped off...that's because their lives have gotten so much better being out of training/the doctor's schedule opening up/family life more balanced, etc.

To answer your initial question - I think medical school hurt our relationship in a few ways, but not irreparable ways. We had 4 post-undergrad years of blissful normalcy, two incomes, travel, etc. THen we started med school and it was a kick in the face. I did not adjust well and it made things really hard for my husband. I was depressed. But I have learned SO MUCH. Yes, I'm still super impatient with his lack of availability sometimes, but I also know to wait it out for the times when he inevitably "comes back" to me after an exam or rotation is over. I feared so much that medical school would change who he is and it really hasn't. Because the person I know and love for almost a decade comes back immediately when he can. It's just that awful, distracted, super busy study/rotation time that keeps him away from me. It's good to know that he's still who he was. BUT, I will say that I think medical school and it's challenges will be key for me personally in learning to adjust to residency. It's been really hard in MS...I think I will take what I've learned during this time and hopfully use it to make the transition to residency less hard.

Anyway, that's my brain dump for today. Sorry it's so long! Your posts are so resonant to the ones I posted here initially - I had many of the same fears. Just know from the start that it's SO important to take care of yourself, don't wait around for him, make your own life/hobbies/friends, and don't get mad or disappointed in him about things that may or may not happen in the future (and I say all of that having done a poor job of it myself over the years). This place is utterly invaluable for the amount of support, understanding, and insight it provides. Welcome!

[WolfpackWife]

How do you mitigate the negatives? How do you not take it out on your relationship? How do you find feelings of accomplishment and reward from supporting someone else's career?

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The honest answer that popped into my head was "I'll let you know when I've found out." But truly, it's still a work in progress. And it took a few years. The biggest thing was acknowledging that at this season of my life, I am experiencing depression. That was hard for me. But I finally realized that I needed to seek some treatment and doing so doesn't mean that I would always have depression or need to take medicine for it. But currently, it's what I need to do. That has been immensely helpful.

Making a concerted effort not to be upset with and take things out on my husband that haven't even happened yet was also key. I would read experiences here or think up things in my head and immediately extrapolate them to my own life. Then I would start assuming that the same things would happen to us, that he would let me down in similar ways etc. That wasn't fair to him at all. None of those things had even happened yet! But then I sat down and realized that whenever he's had the chance during medical school, he has chosen me and shown me that over and over again...so what's the sense in being mad that he likely will miss Christmas with our possible future kids in 5+ more years? Yes, he'll probably work on holidays and we'll have to celebrate another time...but that hasn't happened yet and you never know. The medicine gods might smile on us and things might work out for the most part. Anyway...I had to make a real effort to not worry about what might happen in the future. It wasn't good for us.

Also, having friends of my own was imperative. And that has not come easily either. I don't have kids and am not religious, so those "given" communities don't exist for me. My husband is also my best friends - I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else. I'm fairly introverted (I usually describe myself as an introvert with extroverted tendencies) and making friends at 26 - 29 has been hard. I finally found several people I really clicked with but they've all moved in the past 6 months. That was really tough. I also have never really clicked with where we currently live. I think medical school has just put me in a bad position to really grow and nurture myself and it's affected my marriage. I am hoping to tackle some of these challenges better in residency. But I now realize just how much I miss all my friends we left behind in our hometown. It makes waiting around for his free time so much more painful and lonely.

I also finished my master's degree during medical school, which really helped my sense of accomplishment. However...I would also love to pursue a PhD...but that would require us to end up in a place with a program that I liked and would work well with, and also financial ability etc. So...that dream of mine has an indefinite pause on it and yes, it makes me resentful sometimes. His career comes first. He has the earning potential. We've invested in him and sometimes that feels unfair.

[Lynnea]

The honest answer that popped into my head was "I'll let you know when I've found out." But truly, it's still a work in progress. And it took a few years. The biggest thing was acknowledging that at this season of my life, I am experiencing depression. That was hard for me. But I finally realized that I needed to seek some treatment and doing so doesn't mean that I would always have depression or need to take medicine for it. But currently, it's what I need to do. That has been immensely helpful.

Making a concerted effort not to be upset with and take things out on my husband that haven't even happened yet was also key. I would read experiences here or think up things in my head and immediately extrapolate them to my own life. Then I would start assuming that the same things would happen to us, that he would let me down in similar ways etc. That wasn't fair to him at all. None of those things had even happened yet! But then I sat down and realized that whenever he's had the chance during medical school, he has chosen me and shown me that over and over again...so what's the sense in being mad that he likely will miss Christmas with our possible future kids in 5+ more years? Yes, he'll probably work on holidays and we'll have to celebrate another time...but that hasn't happened yet and you never know. The medicine gods might smile on us and things might work out for the most part. Anyway...I had to make a real effort to not worry about what might happen in the future. It wasn't good for us.

Also, having friends of my own was imperative. And that has not come easily either. I don't have kids and am not religious, so those "given" communities don't exist for me. My husband is also my best friends - I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else. I'm fairly introverted (I usually describe myself as an introvert with extroverted tendencies) and making friends at 26 - 29 has been hard. I finally found several people I really clicked with but they've all moved in the past 6 months. That was really tough. I also have never really clicked with where we currently live. I think medical school has just put me in a bad position to really grow and nurture myself and it's affected my marriage. I am hoping to tackle some of these challenges better in residency. But I now realize just how much I miss all my friends we left behind in our hometown. It makes waiting around for his free time so much more painful and lonely.

I also finished my master's degree during medical school, which really helped my sense of accomplishment. However...I would also love to pursue a PhD...but that would require us to end up in a place with a program that I liked and would work well with, and also financial ability etc. So...that dream of mine has an indefinite pause on it and yes, it makes me resentful sometimes. His career comes first. He has the earning potential. We've invested in him and sometimes that feels unfair.

I am somewhat speechless, and in tears, as you have utterly taken the thoughts from my brain and words from mouth and put them on paper (internet paper that is). I feel all of these things. I'm going to have to post more on this a little later when I gather my thoughts and try and piece them out and put them in front of me.

Currently I'm facing the challenge that I just want to help my SO understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling, so he doesn't think I'm being completely crazy or unreasonable or jealous. And at the moment I don't know how to express these feelings to him without sounding selfish. I feel like self-worth is important, and we have to take of ourselves during this journey. At the same time I wish so much that he could be the one taking care of me, bottling up my fears, tossing them out the window, and living out the perfect life together that I've always dreamed of. Unfortunately I know I have to somehow come to terms that this can't happen that simply, and some of my hopes and dreams for my life must be revised if we want to stay together. It is SO hard to feel accomplished and important as I sit home and wait for him to come home from a busy day of classes, filled with meeting new friends and interesting lectures and gross anatomy labs and loads and loads of hw and studying. And here I am, just being me, browsing online to try and stay sane and not become depressed and in a bad place. Lately I feel like I've put myself in a bad place, for mostly all faults of my own, and need to dig myself out and try and turn some things into positive. I'm also not in a point in my life where I want to sacrifice my happiness or put my relationship on complete hold, so I need my SO to understand this. If he wanted to commit 110% to medical school and focus on nothing but, then we should not be where we are. But I do believe that he wants to be in a committed relationship BALANCED with medical school. It's such a scary realization for me to come to some of these terms as you all have described above. But we have to get through this, in my eyes he's my other half and has changed my life, so we have no choice but to make this work so that we are both happy. Life is too short to be anything but.

[WolfpackWife]

@Lynnea, I have had many of the same thoughts as well. I firmly believe that it's entirely possible to be a good, involved spouse and parent while also being a doctor. I think some people feel as though they have worked so hard at school or on a rotation that they don't need to give much at home and the spouse should understand. I do think we have to meet them in the middle though. Both parties should be understanding about how to have a happy medium at home. A lot of times people will tell you to just have no expectations of your spouse and then you aren't disappointed. I won't do that. I think it's very sad way to be married if you have no expectations of your spouse...that's not a two way street. That's not how I want to be married and I don't want to lower my husband's standards so far that he ends up being conditioned to not have to do much because I'm not expecting him to. My problem in the past, and sometimes currently, is that I still have too-high expectations that I want him to live like he's not in med school but also want him to continue his academic success so we can match where we want. That is way too much pressure for him. IT's not fair. That's where I have to sit back and think that he's proven himself to still be a reliable partner, even if unavailable, and he's also done everything in his power to put himself in a good position for the match, so I need to temper what I expect of him so he can enjoy himself and not feel pressured or like he's falling short - because he's not at all. I'm immensely proud of him (and I should probably tell him that more than I already do!)

It's such a balancing act. But think about this: there are maybe 100 really active members here (I don't know, that's a guess)...but there are tens of thousands of medical spouses out there. Maybe some of them have needed a safe space for support but haven't found us...but also some haven't needed this kind of space/support. They are all different types of people, sure, but if being married to a doctor meant nothing but loneliness and disappointment and giving but not getting back...wouldn't all doctor's be single? For example, my aunt is married to an ED physician and she has adjusted to that life fairly seamlessly and has a super fulfilling personal life while my uncle is at work, and also adjusts her schedule to maximize her time with my uncle when he's off. She's just never had the type of despair and loneliness I have had. They've had a good go of it, all in all. I also think that from the docs POV, if they want to give their all in their home life and their career, they will learn to do so and figure out how to manage their time to excel both at home and at the hospital. Just my two cents. And I've talked this topic to death over the past few years. That's just one perspective, too. Some people are way more laid back and flexible and less emotional than I am and they've had an easier time with this.