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And so it ends.

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  • And so it ends.

    I posted on here a short while ago. My husband was accepted into a fellowship in minimal invasive surgery this past July. We were living apart April-July because his last rotation was in a hospital further away than the others and they provided an apartment for residents. I moved back home so we didn't have to pay rent during those months and maintain our apartment. Turns out he was cheating on me those 4 months. He slept with a med student in his hospital while he was their chief surgery resident. I am devastated and destroyed. He threw it all away for some strange pussy. I found out after we moved in together in the new city where his fellowship was. I decided i couldn't live the rest of my life with a person with so few morals and principles. We are getting a divorce and i am making the painful, lonely journey back to normalcy. This break has let me focus on myself and get back to my career. He confessed when i tried to snuggle with him and he pushed me away. I was hurt by his lack of affection and the general lack of love in our relationship this year, but never thought it would amount to cheating. I thought he was stressed and depressed and i wanted us to try counselling and i wanted to bring him back to how he used to be. I trusted him too much. While a part of me now wants revenge, i completely understand this this is a stage of grieving and this too will pass.

    I am however concerned for hiw work and the people that work around him. This is not the first time i've been alarmed with his lack of respect for women. He has previously brushed aside complaints from his female interns when they complained of sexual harrassment from others working under him. He did nothing as their chief to help them and previous bosses were not impressed with his work. He left the old hospital without blessings from senior surgeons. He now works at a women's hospital and i am wondering if my concern for his co-workers is well founded or fuelled by revenge. I asked other surgery residents who were friends with us if they noticed what he was up to when i was away and they are just as shocked as i am. Please help me. I am confused, hurt and in pain. I don't want to take away his work from him because i supported him get to this point for the last 7 years. I guess i outgrew my usefullness. He told me that she was hotter, and he was able to talk medicine with her. (we never had problems discussing his work the last 7 years). His is a classic case of narcissism. I recognize all the signs now. I know that this will catch up to him at some point. Karma is supposed to come back, right?

  • #2
    Oh man, I am so sorry. I think you are right to leave and I honestly don't know about reporting him. Sleeping with a med student is a pretty big no no...at the same time it might entangle you in a shitfest you don't want to be part of. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much that hurts


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Married to a newly minted Pediatric Rad, momma to a sweet girl and a bunch of (mostly) cute boy monsters.



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    • #3
      I agree. I don't want to indulge in petty behaviour out of spite. I am unsure if i have a responsibility to say something. For my sanity's sake, it is probably best to just forget him and move on with my life.

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      • #4
        Actually, I think what I would really do is document what you can (but don't go overboard) and nail his ass to the wall in divorce court


        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
        Married to a newly minted Pediatric Rad, momma to a sweet girl and a bunch of (mostly) cute boy monsters.



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        • #5
          He is an International medical graduate. He's on a J1 visa, and i had the J2. I am however a Canadian citizen and we did not register our marriage here in Canada, instead choosing to go home to India where his family is from to have the wedding. How serious of an ethical violations is it in the US to sleep with one's med student? Will this affect his chances of practicing in the US? He hopes to land a job and get a waiver from his home country so as to practice in the US. Maybe marry a citizen so he can stay on. He tried applying to Canada as well and did not get in, so he had no need for the pr status i could have given him. His callous attitude towards women makes me feel like he will be running into problems like these soon and facing a malpractice lawsuit. I don't want anything of his post divorce. I just want a clean break.

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          • #6
            I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this is. I agree with ST that reporting him might get you caught up in all sorts of complicated stuff, and I'm not sure it's your responsibility, especially if others have already complained. I hope that you can take care of yourself right now and that you're able to get everything dealt with quickly!
            Allison - professor; wife to a urology attending; mom to baby girl E (11/13), baby boy C (2/16), and a spoiled cat; knitter and hoarder of yarn; photographer

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            • #7
              I see what you mean. I also don't want to stay in the past by obsessing with thoughts of revenge. But i'm sure you can understand how raw this all feels. I'm in therapy currently exploring my rage. Hopefully that should help to put this behind me.

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              • #8
                I am dumbfounded reading this. I don't think you have any obligations right now except continuing to process this with your therapist. I'd be hesitant to act at all initially because it is so raw. Perhaps document in case you find yourself needing that information later?

                I am so sorry to hear this. You did not deserve to be treated this way.

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                • #9
                  Yes, i think my focus should only be on feeling better for myself. My feelings of being used are the most problematic right now. Some of his friends have even vocalized what they consider "typical Indian mentality", where indian guys move to the US for school or work with the intention of sleeping with white girls who they offensively assume are easier to get into bed. I have reasons to suspect that this was on his bucket list as well. Getting rid of me also becomes easier now because he cannot practice in Canada and has no use for me. His next move is possibly to marry an american citizen. It makes me sick to my stomach that i let this person touch me.

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                  • #10
                    Wow, I'm so sorry.

                    How long have you known him? How long were you married? Can you get it annulled instead of divorced so it moves quicker?

                    Did he do med school in Canada, the US, or somewhere else? I ask because if he didn't study/do residency in the US, he may have to do it over again.

                    I agree to document things. I think I might personally report him to the medical board (if you don't think this will compromise your safety) but I can understand wanting a clean break as well.
                    Married to a Urology Attending! (that is an understated exclamation point)
                    Mama to C (Jan 2012), D (Nov 2013), and R (April 2016). Consulting and homeschooling are my day jobs.

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                    • #11
                      We've been married almost 2 years, dated 5 years previously. He did his med school in India. We met when he was starting on a Masters program in the US. He then did the USMLE, got a spot in general surgery in New York and graduated from that program this past June.

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                      • #12
                        I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I can totally understand the feelings of rage, and I know I'd be seeking revenge. I hope that you work through this in a positive way - the best revenge is moving on and leaving him behind to wallow in his own filth.
                        Enabler of DW and 5 kids
                        Let's go Mets!

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                        • #13
                          I'm so sorry. I probably wouldn't report him about the med student or give any information to his current employer. They'll find out soon enough what he's really like.

                          I also wanted to make sure you know you're always welcome on here. Once a med spouse, always a med spouse (or significant other). We'll be here for you through this process and as you move on.
                          Laurie
                          My team: DH (anesthesiologist), DS (9), DD (8)

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                          • #14
                            Thank you for being so supportive. I don't think i'd make any rash decisions and report him even though i feel like he deserves it. I increasingly find myself in these rages that subside quickly and then i go back to feeling heartbroken.
                            I am relieved that i don't have to live that lifestyle with him any more. He was withdrawing from me and didn't want to spend the little time post-call doing anything fun with me. It would be nice to date someone with a normal job. I felt so emotionally neglected that i craved attention all the time.

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                            • #15
                              I agree not to make any rash decisions but I applaud you for ending this and escaping his narcissism and disrespect.
                              Married to a Urology Attending! (that is an understated exclamation point)
                              Mama to C (Jan 2012), D (Nov 2013), and R (April 2016). Consulting and homeschooling are my day jobs.

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