Good evening and hello!

[dtdreamangel]

Hi everyone, I joined this forum in hope to find some insider support...

i am the girlfriend to a 1st yr med/psy resident and we are currently coast-to-coast apart. We have been together for a little over 1 year. I plan to move to his state by January next year, but lately things have been very rough and I am starting to have doubts about the move and relationships. The main thing is I am having a very hard time connecting with him (I tried text, call, skype, email...) and often receive little or no response. We usually set up a time to skype every night maybe for 10-15 minutes but he has been missing those too. I want to know if I am asking for too much or if he is just too busy to even send a text to say goodnight?

I am very independent and have my own life in LA, and I have always tried to accommodate his schedule and needs for privacy, despite time zone difference. I have voiced my concerns and needs several times, but nothing has improved much. We got into a fight last night and we had 0 communication since. I am at a lost here and really not sure who can I turn to anymore... none of my friends understand what my boyfriend and I are going thru, and everyone tells me to stop investing...any advice would be really appreciated!

Thank you!!!

[SoonerTexan]

Welcome! You are in the right spot.

As for a simple answer to your question, no you are not asking too much. There may be long nights or call when a text is all he can manage but a 15 minute conversation should be doable most days at minimim


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[rufflesanddots]

Hi! Welcome. You will get lots of great support here.

I don't think you're asking too much at all. We're still in the med school phase, but I have a friend who is a med student and engaged to a general surgery PGY2...and even they find time to communicate. Sometimes it's just a note, text, or really short call, but it gets done.

What do you do in LA? I'm from SD, so I love reminiscing about SoCal!

[dtdreamangel]

Hi SoonerTexan! Thank you for your kind words! I think for me is I don't really need to be connected on a daily basis, but I would like to be properly informed whether or not the two of us would be connecting for the night. I just tried to call and his phone is off. While I do give him the benefit of the doubt of him having his PRITE test tomorrow, I just don't know how to work with someone who isn't working with me...

But I still hope that I will be part of this community in the future. You have been most kind!

[dtdreamangel]

Hi rufflesanddots


Since I planned to move to the East Coast I am taking some time off to spend time with friends and family and traveling, also reorganizing personal assets what not. Both my boyfriend and I are in our mid 30s, so it does add some timeline stress on top of everything else.

I have alot of friends and family in LA and I also have a lot of hobbies...our beaches are amazing and the sun is always shining over here

I don't mind moving but I don't like to have to think about if it's worth it. It should be a solid answer through and through...

Hi! Welcome. You will get lots of great support here.

I don't think you're asking too much at all. We're still in the med school phase, but I have a friend who is a med student and engaged to a general surgery PGY2...and even they find time to communicate. Sometimes it's just a note, text, or really short call, but it gets done.

What do you do in LA? I'm from SD, so I love reminiscing about SoCal!

[alotofyarn]

Welcome! You're definitely not one here, and many of us have been in the same position! I don't think you're asking too much, and I think it's something you guys need to find a way to really talk about seriously. It's hard for then sometimes to get their head out of medicine and realize what they're really doing.

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[OrionGrad]

Welcome!

[MrsInTheMiddle]

Welcome! We've all been there... It's not easy being in a long distance relationship, and it's even harder when someone has a demanding career.

Keep in mind that it is your boyfriend's first year of residency, and the year started in July, so everything is still really new. My DH is PGY-3, and it's amazing how much faster he is at doing notes and all the other stuff than when he started.

So yes, it will get a little better with time. And that means he should be able to give you more attention! Some rotations are worse than others, and that definitely effects how much attention I get.

Are you planning on moving Jan 2016 or 2017? If 2016, it's only a few months away, and being in the same city will really help your relationship. I'd spend the next few months soaking up sunshine before moving east.


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[Deebs]

Welcome! I guess my question would be whether the lack of communication is due to what he's working on right now. We were married prior to residency, and during my husband's ICU rotations, saw each other one time during the month. That was while we lived in the same house. My advice would be to figure out if this is a short term thing based on what he's currently doing, or if you're just not a priority. I can't imagine how hard things must be with the distance and time change thrown in as well.

[MrsK]

Welcome!

I can't speak to your relationship but I would say that your SO is probably exhausted. PGY-1 can be really draining. I totally get your reluctance to leave your life in LA to be with him if he doesn't have energy for you. In truth, if you do move, you will have to make your own life. You will have to put yourself out there in a new city essentially alone. Regardless of how much he wants to help you assimilate, he probably hasn't acclimated himself to any place other than the hospital.

[Thirteen]

Welcome!

I can't speak to your relationship but I would say that your SO is probably exhausted. PGY-1 can be really draining. I totally get your reluctance to leave your life in LA to be with him if he doesn't have energy for you. In truth, if you do move, you will have to make your own life. You will have to put yourself out there in a new city essentially alone. Regardless of how much he wants to help you assimilate, he probably hasn't acclimated himself to any place other than the hospital.

Wise words.
---

I'm going to be the voice of dissent, however, on a cross country move. I personally wouldn't do it without a huge commitment (and what that might mean is up to you). I get that everyone is different. I lived in LA, and would not have followed my (now) husband if he had moved while we were dating.

Please stick around and get to know us!


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

We started my husbands med school long distance (although not bicoastal). It was extremely tough for the year that I wasn't there but I did wait for a commitment (for me, that was engagement). I was relatively young (25) but I also had my own plans (career, pursuing graduate school) that definitely got sidelined in the move. I wouldn't have wanted to give all that up without a more substantial commitment.

That being said, it's hard to know if you want to commit if you're far away and communication is tough. I will say that intern year is the pits and I don't think rational decisions are very easy to make during that year. Is there any way you can hang on until an easier rotation and then schedule a visit?

[MrsC]

It should be a solid answer through and through...

Hi and welcome! I agree with this completely. As someone who moved across the Atlantic to be with my husband, I needed a commitment first and I needed to be sure. He was an intern at the time too. We didn't get engaged beforehand but we knew that we would and that was good enough for me.

[dtdreamangel]

Oh wow! Thank you so much for everyone's kind words! I am lost in words of how grateful I am with the support I am receiving!

My boyfriend and I built our relationship to be marriage oriented from day one, and I did ask to be engaged prior to my move (set to be Jan 2016). But as time goes by and us witnessing his stress and workload, I have softened that request. He has always been on the East Coast for the most part, and I am just not interested in doing long distance anymore.

And yes, according to him, his current rotation is terrible where he is doing the work of his senior as well as his own. I know he is tired, all the time. He often elects not to tell me about his work because he wants separation between work and home, even though I encourage him to share. While I respect his needs it's frustrating because it feels like I am shut out of that part of his life.

I visited him during August for an extended period of time to explore the new town (his residency state is several states away from his med school in NYC). It is a very quiet state. Wealth distribution is heartbreakingly huge. Most of the people I have seen on the street are overweight, depressed, or drug abusers. Community is very small. All of these I can stomach. I have started job hunting in his city (prospect is also quite grim) and am studying for my GMAT so I can obtain my MBA while we are there. I am confident that I can build my own network and personal life anywhere I want. But I am also aware that initially I need a lot of support and effort, especially for the logistics of moving and settling down. I don't feel like I am getting that from him. I honestly feel like I have planned things out with enough safety net but something is just not right.

I am not the type that is afraid of hard choices. I know even if I move, I can always come back to LA where my family and friends are. But I am never a great risk taker. I also know I could be too robotic and logical...

And communication is key to iron out all these issues and uncertainty, yet we are caught in the infinite loop of "we need to talk about talking but we don't have time to talk at all".

Here I am, caught at a major crossroad, wanting to move forward but very hesitant...




And I am sorry that I can't respond to your comments one by one, but I read them over and over again because it means alot to me! Thank you!!!

[MrsK]

He often elects not to tell me about his work because he wants separation between work and home, even though I encourage him to share. While I respect his needs it's frustrating because it feels like I am shut out of that part of his life.

Did you say he's in psych? As the lone active psych spouse on this forum, I'll tell you that (1) he can't tell you much without breaching confidentiality, (2) you wouldn't want to hear it anyway because some of it is seriously disturbing, and (3) he's not going to want to rehash it because it's seriously disturbing. Unfortunately, this is really an area where he will lean on his work family more than his real family.