Good evening and hello!

[Meenah]

Welcome to the group. You are getting some great advice, we look forward to getting to know you.

[dtdreamangel]

Hi MrsK!


Thank you for giving me the insight from another psych spouse! I needed to hear that, even though I do know that...What advice could you give me so I can become more supportive and not so wrapped up in my head?

Thanks!


Kris

Did you say he's in psych? As the lone active psych spouse on this forum, I'll tell you that (1) he can't tell you much without breaching confidentiality, (2) you wouldn't want to hear it anyway because some of it is seriously disturbing, and (3) he's not going to want to rehash it because it's seriously disturbing. Unfortunately, this is really an area where he will lean on his work family more than his real family.

[dtdreamangel]

Hi Meenah!


Thank you for creating and maintaining this space! I look forward to be part of the community, and give back as well!


Kris

Welcome to the group. You are getting some great advice, we look forward to getting to know you.

[v-girl]

Welcome!


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[MrsK]

Hi Meenah!


Thank you for creating and maintaining this space! I look forward to be part of the community, and give back as well!


Kris

PrincessFiona gets credit for that together with her super awesome support team of IMSNers. She's another Kris too BTW.

[MrsK]

Hi MrsK!


Thank you for giving me the insight from another psych spouse! I needed to hear that, even though I do know that...What advice could you give me so I can become more supportive and not so wrapped up in my head?

Thanks!


Kris

It's human nature to be wrapped up in your own head. And, frankly, that's not a bad thing. You matter and as a medspouse you will spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts. If you devote yourself entirely to someone else's happiness, career, wellbeing, or whatnot you will be very frustrated and more likely than not you will take it personally when your SO is unable to reciprocate. (Having reread that, I'm thinking that someone should have given me the same advise about motherhood.) That's not to say you blow him off an just live your life...rather, you be responsible for your happiness and don't make it contingent on his availability, responsiveness, success, etc. Medicine will force him to be very wrapped up in his own head and there will be plenty of times that you will have to pull that head out of the dawkter's arse in a procedure my hubby and I refer to as the craniorectalectomy.

[dtdreamangel]

Love the term "craniorectalectomy"! I suppose my personality is a bit dry so I appreciate the humor!

I am still learning on how to strike a balance between his needs vs mine. It breaks my heart that he is literally falling asleep 1 minute into our conversation, yet part of me think he should have just said he is too tired to talk and get rested, instead of us being on phone having incoherent dialogue. I mean, I appreciate his effort, but would rather not be in the expense of his rest and well being. And I just don't know how I could get that idea across to him, when he is an "all in" person.

The important thing is we are both trying, and that I found this community for external support Thank you so much and I hope to thank you all in person!



Kris

It's human nature to be wrapped up in your own head. And, frankly, that's not a bad thing. You matter and as a medspouse you will spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts. If you devote yourself entirely to someone else's happiness, career, wellbeing, or whatnot you will be very frustrated and more likely than not you will take it personally when your SO is unable to reciprocate. (Having reread that, I'm thinking that someone should have given me the same advise about motherhood.) That's not to say you blow him off an just live your life...rather, you be responsible for your happiness and don't make it contingent on his availability, responsiveness, success, etc. Medicine will force him to be very wrapped up in his own head and there will be plenty of times that you will have to pull that head out of the dawkter's arse in a procedure my hubby and I refer to as the craniorectalectomy.

[ladymoreta]

Welcome!! I'm glad you're here, and looking forward to getting to know you!

I agree with the advice you've received. You're not being unreasonable to ask for a daily text and occasional call. It seems like you have a good plan and attitude about the move. It would be good to go for one more visit before the move if possible, just to make sure you don't get any weird vibes from him.

[gcuthbe1]

Welcome, glad you found the group!
I agree with MrsK (loved your advice) and thirteen.
My husband and I were actually just talking about his intern year yesterday (he's now PGY4 general surgery), and how unprepared we were for it. We had met and started dating in the same neighborhood in Brooklyn a few months before. We knew it was something special and we were falling for each other. But as an independent woman I didn't want to alter my life for him, so I moved into Manhattan in a fun party area and walkable from my workplace. In retrospect, while I enjoyed living there for that year, it definitely put a strain on our relationship to be "NYC long distance" (which is living in different burroughs). As everyone else is saying, intern year is very difficult, for both the doctor and the SO. It's an adjustment period. The only advice I can really give is, be flexible, know that the struggle isn't specific to you, keep your expectations in check (this group helps a lot with that), and find lots of things to keep you busy during his endless work hours. It sounds like you are enjoying some well deserved time off, but he's very very busy. That imbalance alone can create stress on a relationship. Hope you are able to find a great school/career/hobbies while you two are in that city together! I'm looking forward to seeing your engagement post hang in there!

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[Howfunitis]

Welcome!!! I'm in LA too!!!! Love the intros cause I learn about everyone else in the process too!! For us, I had done long distance dating while in college and I knew the chances of him going to medical school were high so I told him I wasn't leaving anywhere out of Ca without being married first. We got married and two months later he started medical school. Being long distance does strain your relationships a lot but all the advice you received above is great and just keep rereading it. I'm currently in 4th year of medical school back in LA while he does rotations and did I mention pregnant? Yeah, it's tough but my advice is to really deep down to know what you want for your future. If you take away what your going through, would you still feel the same? Maybe it's a funk that just so happens to be around the same time everything else is going on and I agree. Go visit one last time you'll know if it's the long distance or something else you need to work on or talk about.


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[dtdreamangel]

Hi ladymoreta,


I think that's a great suggestion! I would see if it's possible to visit him one more time before finalizing my move. I do need to be somewhat financially conservative and plane tickets are not cheap these days! Thank you!



Kris

Welcome!! I'm glad you're here, and looking forward to getting to know you!

I agree with the advice you've received. You're not being unreasonable to ask for a daily text and occasional call. It seems like you have a good plan and attitude about the move. It would be good to go for one more visit before the move if possible, just to make sure you don't get any weird vibes from him.

[dtdreamangel]

Hi gcuthbe1!


Thank you for sharing your experience as a couple during residency! That definitely helps me in gauging my own experience. I was under the impression that his current program promotes work/life balance, so I was underprepared when his schedule becomes so drastically different...But I will both take this as part of the learning experience and a test to the strength of our bond

Your kind words and the support I have received from this community really help re-aligning my perspective alot, so thank you!!! I definitely hope to share my joy of engagement with you, soon


Kris

Welcome, glad you found the group!
I agree with MrsK (loved your advice) and thirteen.
My husband and I were actually just talking about his intern year yesterday (he's now PGY4 general surgery), and how unprepared we were for it. We had met and started dating in the same neighborhood in Brooklyn a few months before. We knew it was something special and we were falling for each other. But as an independent woman I didn't want to alter my life for him, so I moved into Manhattan in a fun party area and walkable from my workplace. In retrospect, while I enjoyed living there for that year, it definitely put a strain on our relationship to be "NYC long distance" (which is living in different burroughs). As everyone else is saying, intern year is very difficult, for both the doctor and the SO. It's an adjustment period. The only advice I can really give is, be flexible, know that the struggle isn't specific to you, keep your expectations in check (this group helps a lot with that), and find lots of things to keep you busy during his endless work hours. It sounds like you are enjoying some well deserved time off, but he's very very busy. That imbalance alone can create stress on a relationship. Hope you are able to find a great school/career/hobbies while you two are in that city together! I'm looking forward to seeing your engagement post hang in there!

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[dtdreamangel]

Hi Howfunitistobelovedbyyou!


Nice meeting you, fellow SoCal gal! I think my boyfriend has a very grand idea to wedding/marriage so it's a lot more challenging for him to plan...I'm more of an in-out city hall kinda person; I just want to make sure I marry the right person.

But you hit the nail on the head when you bring up

Yeah, it's tough but my advice is to really deep down to know what you want for your future. If you take away what your going through, would you still feel the same? Maybe it's a funk that just so happens to be around the same time everything else is going on and I agree. Go visit one last time you'll know if it's the long distance or something else you need to work on or talk about.

You are right. At the end of the day, despite all the challenges and frustration that we face, we still want to build a life together. I just want reassurance from him that we are on the same page. We are trying to set up more Skype time so we can clear the air out

But you are my heroine! Being in med school AND pregnant! Interview season is coming up right? Best of luck to everything!

Lastly, deepest thank you for your kind words and encouragement!!!

[Howfunitis]

Yes, it is!!! Also can I make a suggestion? Scheduling times between hubby and I hadn't really ever worked unless he knows he has a set routine for the day but have you tried just calling whenever he can at whatever time he can? Or is it down to that? I know the time hubby and I have been coast to coast, we FaceTime WHATEVER time is good for him. Sometimes is at 3am sometimes 6pm. He knows I value sleep and love sleep but it's the one thing I could care less about if he is calling me.
If you ever want to meet up, let me know


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[JustRightKelly]

Welcome Kris! Glad you found us and I agree with the advice above. This is a great place to get it all out so share and share often. Looking forward to getting to know you better!


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