So glad to find this group!

Finding this website today was a godsend! I was beginning to feel incredibly alone but see after reading several postings that I'm not alone.

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years began his residency at Ohio State this summer. He's going into neuro but has to spend his internship year in int med. I don't think either one of us was entirely prepared for how difficult this first year would prove to be. He wakes up several times a night giving me patient orders or jumps up as though he was in a call room and just got paged. He thinks he's leaving the stress at the hospital doors, but it's increasingly evident that he's internalizing it far more than he's willing to admit. After 80-100 hours a week, it's no wonder he doesn't want to talk about it, but it's beginning to take a toll on him and on us.

We went from buying a house together (I'm not living there until we're married) and him reserving a wedding date at our church in anticipation of an engagement, to him telling me 2 weeks ago that he's feeling overwhelmed and needs a break from us to decide if we're meant to be. I realize you all don't know us, but there's never been a question from day one that we were meant to be together. Until this summer, we've always been "home" for one another -- you know what I mean? I feel like his needs have changed since July 1, but I don't know how to meet those needs when he is pushing me away.

He started a cardio rotation today and will be on call q4. How do we get through these issues with so little time? I wonder if I SHOULD give him that space and let him see that we need one another to get through these stressful times. It's just so hard to think of letting him go to see if he comes back, especially knowing how stressed out he is. I want to help not leave.

Has anyone experienced these problems? I am so sorry to join, say hi, and unload! These last two weeks have just been horrible -- I told you I needed this group!

I'm really looking forward to getting to know everyone!!

Stephanie

[Phoebe]

Hi Stephanie- Nice to meet you. Glad you found this place. Come and vent often. This website has saved my marriage more than once. I am a former buckeye state resident. We just moved from Cleveland to Indiana one year ago. Sorry to say I am not a buckeye fan though.

Internship year is tough. My husband and I met during the first rotation of his internship year and I am amazed that we made it this far after that mess. I know it isn't the same thing since you and your boyfriend sound to be headed toward the aisle. But I heard the same types of things from my now husband during his internship year. Anytime I pressured him, he backed off stating work was too much. Somehow it all worked out 7 years later we are married with two little girls. I think I understand what you are going through. The medical profession can be a tough and lonely road for you and your significant other. Hang in there.

Take care.

[houseelf]

Stephanie,

My heart goes out to you. Small consolation though it may be, you are not alone. Residency rocked the very core of our relationship and stripped us down to the very basics. Internship sucks. On this truth, you will find many adherents here.

All I can say is welcome to the forums and take good care of yourself. This will turn out the way that it is supposed to.

Big Hug,

Kelly

[DCJenn]

Amen.

And we actually had a great internship year, as much as it sucked thelife right out of us. We had dated right thorugh med school and he was gone for most of it. so really internship was the most we had spent any time togehter. which was great. except that it was life sucking- soul-draining, maddeningly awful.

However, we made it through.

and on an up note, fellowship for peds neuro was worse. Thankfully, I get to leave now, thanks to my job. (and wine...let us all thank the monks one more time for wine...)

But welcome, you have found kindred spirits.

(and BTW, my beloved woke up cursing at me, hallucinating and was ready to go to radiology or forensics- because they didn't deal with people directly)

[Flynn]

Yeah, this life is less than ideal on so many levels. I can say from experience what worked for me although there are many different methods of "dealing" with this life.

When he is pushing you away...let him push and take care of yourself. The more you try and "fix" things and be supportive, the more you want to drop kick him in the long run. He'll learn the hard way that is no way to live. Your doc boyfriend will learn so much about medicine but being human is almost a liability at times. If he's going to be an A#$, let him do it by himself.

Hang in there and give him space while developing your own life.

Just my two cents. This is our tenth year together, 6th year of marriage, and 8th year of training. We won't be done until July of 2007.....

Welcome Stephanie!

[HeartRN]

Welcome! This site has been a lifesaver for me and for our marriage. When things get tough and you want to take off :! , just come on here to talk. :chat: We are all in your corner.

I can't put into words the comfort I feel from the last 24 hours of knowing I'm not alone and that what my BF is going through isn't atypical. I guess my head says I should give him space, but my heart wants to be there for him. I just had no idea this year would be so rough, and, to be honest, I don't think my BF anticipated the stress would be so overwhelming either.

I hear most residency programs offer counseling for residents experiencing stress. Have any of your significant others utilized those services? If so, how did you get them there???

Laura -- jumping out of bed and giving me orders doesn't sound so bad compared to an attempt at chest compressions! How funny. Glad to hear you made it through the night.

Thank you all so much!

Stephanie

[Meenah]

So glad you found us!!!!! This is a great site (thanks Kris).
Luanne

[SuzySunshine]

Stephanie - welcome, my husband is an intern in neurosurgery. This site is great. Is there a local group of spouses/significant others you can join locally? I think that helps a lot too. Welcome!

After we get past this "needing space" thing (it's looking more and more like that will be the end result -- he's opening up more finally), I'm definitely going to find out if a local group of significant others get together. In the meantime, I'll relish online support! You all have been great. I love reading the other postings -- not only can I sympathize but I get to laugh, too! :gossip:

Stephanie

[BonBon]

Welcome Stephanie!!!

Welcome! You'll find some understanding medical SOs here.
Post often.

Dating a Resident

Stephanie,

We sound like twins. My mother found this website and forwarded me the link after watching me struggle over the past few months.

Here is my situation. I date a wonderful guy, in his second year of residency for Orthopedic Surgery. We have been dating for almost 2 years. We met at the end of his 4th med school year, when he was going through match. Immediately we clicked. Our families got along and we each felt at home with the others.

The first 6 months were amazing. Inf fact, I often felt overwhelmed by the amount of attention that he gave me but learned to appreaciate him and love him dearly. I loved him for pushing me to be the best at what ever I do and he loved me for keeping perspective, balance adn fun in his life. I have spent the last 2 years growing as "us" rather than "me." From day 1 I knew this was the guy for me forever. However, I have seen my boyfriend change befor my eyes, which has been the hardest part.

Intern year was hard and we struggled as he tried to deal with the call and pressure of rotating every month but we made it through. We are now 4 months into his R2 year and not doing so well. His ortho program does nto take interns so once again he is at the bottom of the totem poll. He has been on call/class every weekend, except one, since August. By the way, he is an extreme overachiver so he makes his life even harder. Anyway, about a month ago I experienced the first time he really pulled away. It was his first free weekend and would be his only free weekend for awhile. Instead of spending it with me he asked me what my plans were and let me know that he was going home to see his parents and wanted to go alone. I was shocked. I gave him space after that weekend and he took it not calling me for days after.

To get to the point, the past two months have been horrible for me. I barely sleep and can't even think straight. I love him so very much and my heart breaks watching him go through this program even on a regular basis. We are growing apart and he is becoming someone I feel like I don't even know. He says things like, "I don't deserve to be happy, this part of my life is supposed to be miserable." That is crazy. He is incapable of balancing work, relationships and his mental health. I started feeling so alone and tried to pull away (i.e. stopped being as available, packing his lunch, cleaning...just being there) thinking that would bring him back to reality. Instead he accepted the space and seems more distant than ever.

Over the past few weeks he has tried to break up saying that he feels like it is not fair to me and that his head is all messed up. He just feels like if he is not prioritizing me he must not love and respect me the way he used to. I have refused these excuses and told him I won't give up. I just don't wat to see someone I love so much give up on the one good thing in his life. I have fought allowing him to break up and grow apart but last night I lost.

As of right now we are over. After, that I really do not know what to say. I have such mixed emotions. Part of me still believes that we will get back together and overcome this challenge, but I no longer have any security.

Sorry to be so mixed up in my writing but my head is just not very clear. I really would love any advice/support that anyone has to offer. I just feel like despite how much my family and friends love me they can't understand the nature of his job or our relationship.

KB

[spotty_dog]

KB,

I'm so sorry to hear your story. Medical training is so difficult, and so life-changing.

We are only in medical school, third year, and so far are handling the stresses though I know that the depths of winter are going to be harder than usual for us. I can only offer sympathy, and the hope and optimism that either he will learn to re-balance his priorities and make a place for you in his life, or you will be able to heal.

I hope that the resident and post-training spouses, especially the Surgery spouses, can offer some more perspective to you.

-Alison