Struggles of being a girlfriend...

Hi everyone,

I am a girlfriend of an orthopedic resident. We have been dating for two years but have been struggling a lot recently. I am having a really hard time dealing with his second year. He is miserable and keeps pulling away figuring since it is too hard to be happy he might as well seek comfort in his misery...after all isn't that what residency is about.

As of last night, he said that he just could not continue our relathionship. He felt like I deserved more and he just had no energy to give me. He said he still loves me and it is not about another woman but he just feels that if he is unable to prioritize me/us than he must not respct/love me the way he used to.

I think that all of this is a load of crap! I think that he is giving up and not thinking about reality. I know he loves me I just wish I could prove to him that committing to us would make his life more balanced and happy.

Have any of you been through this type of situation. More particularly, has anyone broken up during residency only to end up together in the end? I would love any advice/support.

Thanks...this website is an answer to my prayers.

[Flynn]

My DH and I broke up in his R1 year of GS residency...(general surgery). It was kind of the same thing but I said "see ya" and he kind of agreed. I think he was in the same boat as your BF -- tired of trying and failing and miserable in residency.

I didn't call him and he called me after a month...completely miserable and wanting to get back together. I made him take my parents out to dinner to mend things so I didn't have to and he actually did! I was shocked. We were engaged about 6 months later.

If he thinks he can't hack a relationship right now I would guess he's right and LET HIM GO!!!!!!!! He will never know how much he needs you in addition to medicine if you don't let him fall on his face and come find you again. The whole thing of "you don't respect what you have until it's gone" really fits here.

Also, it's hard enough to be in a relationship with a resident who WANTS the relationship let alone someone who doesn't. It will be really hard but let him go and don't look back. You deserve better and if he can't give it to you, you will find someone who can!!!!!

Thanks for the Support

Flynn, thanks for the kind words. You are exactly right and sound like a very strong woman. I am trying my hardest to do exactly what you suggested and just move. I now realize that I can not force him to prioritize us and make excuses for him bacause of his demanding profession. Most importantly I can not be with someone that gives up easily. After all, it is not going to get any easier I am wise enough to know that.

You have also given me hope. Right now my BF thinks he can do everything on his own but reality might prove otherwise. Perhaps, he has not been giving "us" enough credit for his success. I am going to let go and move; honestly my heart still hopes he will grow up and realize that the most important things in life are the things that you have to work hardest to get.

Congratulations on making it through a challenging situation. You are a great example of stregth to someone like me!

Also, it's hard enough to be in a relationship with a resident who WANTS the relationship let alone someone who doesn't.

This is so true...

KB, I don't have any advice for you, but I sympathize. I hope things turn out for the best for you. I know it's a tough decision to make either way.

[Phoebe]

KB- Sorry to hear you are going through a painful time right now with your boyfriend. Flynn is right that you do deserve better as hard as that is too hear. I have been in your shoes. My husband and I met during his internship years and getting the relationship going was hard. I put up with a lot of crap and him telling me he couldn't do it whenever he got stressed out. I dont' know what I was thinking at the time to put myself through such a rollercoaster.

We also broke up again for a short time during our engagement during his last year of residency when he was working and moonlighting two jobs because he was so exhausted. He didn't have the energy to give to our relationship. Somehow we found our way through marriage, a fellowship and two kids.

It seems kind common for people to bail on their relationship during med school or residency because there isn't enough time in the day, energy to support the needs of their job and a personal life. It is sad it has to be that way. It is hard to pinpoint the problem as residency or the person. I hope things work out for you guys. One thing I have learned through this whole process and have heard from many others here is that you have to concentrate on making yourself happy and keep busy.

Good luck and keep us posted.

jennifer

[houseelf]

Hi!

My sympathies for what you are going through. Sorry for the digression from the topic at hand, but my initials are KB and I'm from Southern Ohio. (And--I have definitely been the disgruntled SO of a physician. )

Anyway, welcome aboard.

Kelly

a.k.a. "KB"

I also agree with Flynn- sorry you are having these problems right now. I think if he feels he can't keep up a relationship you should respect that and let him have space.

however, talk about it first- see if he's just saying this because he wants you to feel better or thinks it is what you want. The only thing you can do is tell him how much you support his career and how you want to learn and grow more with him each day. let him know you understand his committments and try to work out some ways you can improve those problems you are having.

my husband and I have often fought about time issues and priorities. in the end, I know we are in his priorities, but I also know he struggles because his career is so important to him- it's a tough balance we are still learning each day. he has told me the "I deserve more" before and I told him I want to be with him and I want to go through this WITH him... we split up temporarily right after 2nd yr of med school (so you are far ahead of us! we still have a long way to go!) and got back together after some talking. he worried he would not have enough time to dedicate to our daughter and our relationship so it was time to move on. I told him I knew it would be hard, but I wanted him to know we were there behind him and willing to bend for him too- I believe I told him "wouldn't it be better going through these tough spots with your family to get your back and help?" He hesitated at first, but definitely agrees now.

Thanks

Thanks everyone for your support. It has been 4 days now since my BF and I decided that we could not continue the way things were. I have not heard from him and have no intention to call him myself, at this point. Although, I really miss him and am having a hard time believing that this is really the end I realize that is what I have to do.

I have decided that I will only be a better, stronger person in the end if I move on and don't let myself hope for something I can not control. I really appreciate this website and everyone's support!

KB

KB-
How are things going? Anything changed since the last time you posted?

I'm curious how things have gone, too. It's been several months.