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Hello everyone,
I felt fortunate today to have found a community that shares my torments and from what I have so far read, there are many with genuine concern. Boy I need some of that!
To be honest, I feel unworthy to some extent to be posting my problems after reading med spouses with children and years of estrangement...all those things that make my problems look small.
But my story, like everyone, is unique and apart from my mother, (I´m such a mamma´s boy) I have no one to turn to that seems to understand.
I met my wife while living in Costa Rica, while she was working her way through medical school as a nurse. uh..yeh, she was my nurse..what can I say about that, huh! Her courage and commitment to her field of study was an endearing quality and one of the many reasons I fell in love with her.
Our relationship grew to the point where she sacrificed her personal timeline to move back with me to the United States where we´d make a home for ourselves. But such a sacrifice would not be something I would accept as an end to her dreams, so I committed to supporting her finishing up her education as required in Costa Rica, which meant one more year: The dreaded internship year.
As timing would have it, we married, and not even a year passed before she was packing up and moving back to Costa Rica for a year for the internship. We felt our love was strong enough to do the distance thing, as we did that while she finished her medical schooling and me my studies in the states.
But I must have missed the memo on the Medical Student Spouse Syndrome.
What has proven to be the hardest year of her life has taken its toll on our relationship to the point that I have no idea what to do and where to turn.
I was able to visit every 3 months, as working as an engineer for the federal government has its benefits of good leave. What more could one ask for, than to make a trip to the tropics every 3 months, especially to be with the person you think of every day in a bacelorhood that you no longer want!
But with every visit, it got more difficult, and the tensions between us became more strained. Now I write here today with frayed nerves on my final visit. A visit that I planned would be celebratory and fun, as she has now finished her internship as of Dec. 31. I arrived just before Christmas, but I can say that I came to a wife that was completely different. Hollow. A walking shell of a person who seems to have to muster all her strength and energy just to give me a hug.
Since then, much has transpired, and my radar is gone off the wire with ugly machinations of infidelity and hopelessness about our future. There is zero emotional intimacy, and considering sitting next to each other on the couch watching a movie is out of the question, I think it is well established that any physical intimacy is out of the question. This of course bred the thoughts of another man who took my place while we were thousands of miles apart, and her lack of desire to be open makes her seem suspicious and secretive, only making matters worse.
I turned first to my mother, who divorced my dad a few years back, and she turned me to divorcebusting.com and I realized that I really needed to establish space, rather than pursue her as I was making things much worse on her.
So these past few days I´ve felt trapped in paradise, as I cannot come home early because of available flights, and her and I are leading two lives joined only by civility. I catch glimpses of hope from time to time, but her level of mental and emotional exhaustion still weighs her down beyond respite. There is nothing I can do.
It got me to wondering if I was not alone...if there were spouses of medical students who, like me, at a loss of how to possibly compare their emotional stress to that of the intern have no way of venting. After all, how dare I go to her and say that my year has been hard when I worked 40 hrs a week with benefits and she had to deal with the crap of her residents and chiefs at 70+ hrs a week without the benefits of days off or sick leave.
But the toll has been so great and I don´t know what to do. My only relief is that she does not move immediately into her next year, as now she will focus on transferring her training into the US through the US Medical Boards before finding a school to do her full residency.
Thanks for listening to a young, desparate Mr. MD who wants nothing more but to have his wife back.
Siempre.
I felt fortunate today to have found a community that shares my torments and from what I have so far read, there are many with genuine concern. Boy I need some of that!
To be honest, I feel unworthy to some extent to be posting my problems after reading med spouses with children and years of estrangement...all those things that make my problems look small.
But my story, like everyone, is unique and apart from my mother, (I´m such a mamma´s boy) I have no one to turn to that seems to understand.
I met my wife while living in Costa Rica, while she was working her way through medical school as a nurse. uh..yeh, she was my nurse..what can I say about that, huh! Her courage and commitment to her field of study was an endearing quality and one of the many reasons I fell in love with her.
Our relationship grew to the point where she sacrificed her personal timeline to move back with me to the United States where we´d make a home for ourselves. But such a sacrifice would not be something I would accept as an end to her dreams, so I committed to supporting her finishing up her education as required in Costa Rica, which meant one more year: The dreaded internship year.
As timing would have it, we married, and not even a year passed before she was packing up and moving back to Costa Rica for a year for the internship. We felt our love was strong enough to do the distance thing, as we did that while she finished her medical schooling and me my studies in the states.
But I must have missed the memo on the Medical Student Spouse Syndrome.
What has proven to be the hardest year of her life has taken its toll on our relationship to the point that I have no idea what to do and where to turn.
I was able to visit every 3 months, as working as an engineer for the federal government has its benefits of good leave. What more could one ask for, than to make a trip to the tropics every 3 months, especially to be with the person you think of every day in a bacelorhood that you no longer want!
But with every visit, it got more difficult, and the tensions between us became more strained. Now I write here today with frayed nerves on my final visit. A visit that I planned would be celebratory and fun, as she has now finished her internship as of Dec. 31. I arrived just before Christmas, but I can say that I came to a wife that was completely different. Hollow. A walking shell of a person who seems to have to muster all her strength and energy just to give me a hug.
Since then, much has transpired, and my radar is gone off the wire with ugly machinations of infidelity and hopelessness about our future. There is zero emotional intimacy, and considering sitting next to each other on the couch watching a movie is out of the question, I think it is well established that any physical intimacy is out of the question. This of course bred the thoughts of another man who took my place while we were thousands of miles apart, and her lack of desire to be open makes her seem suspicious and secretive, only making matters worse.
I turned first to my mother, who divorced my dad a few years back, and she turned me to divorcebusting.com and I realized that I really needed to establish space, rather than pursue her as I was making things much worse on her.
So these past few days I´ve felt trapped in paradise, as I cannot come home early because of available flights, and her and I are leading two lives joined only by civility. I catch glimpses of hope from time to time, but her level of mental and emotional exhaustion still weighs her down beyond respite. There is nothing I can do.
It got me to wondering if I was not alone...if there were spouses of medical students who, like me, at a loss of how to possibly compare their emotional stress to that of the intern have no way of venting. After all, how dare I go to her and say that my year has been hard when I worked 40 hrs a week with benefits and she had to deal with the crap of her residents and chiefs at 70+ hrs a week without the benefits of days off or sick leave.
But the toll has been so great and I don´t know what to do. My only relief is that she does not move immediately into her next year, as now she will focus on transferring her training into the US through the US Medical Boards before finding a school to do her full residency.
Thanks for listening to a young, desparate Mr. MD who wants nothing more but to have his wife back.
Siempre.
I'm sure she is pre-occupied with her training. It is so all-consuming. It will be easier when the two of you are both in the states - if only because you will be more certain she hasn't found another. I'm sure you have gathered that you are not alone from the number of posts here. Hang in there.
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