Premarital Sex

[Rapunzel]

FWIW, the Guttmacher Institute, which conducted this study, is heavily supported by Planned Parenthood and other strongly pro-choice groups....

Didn't know that!

Very interesting....

[Rapunzel]

I talked to a very liberal dad recently that actually chose to have the "I don't think you are ready to be sexually active" talk with his 15 year old son and......(wait for it)....his girlfriend. He laughs about it - but I'm sure dad''s little chat with the budding lovebirds captive in the car put a damper on the mood quickly. I'm not sure that's the right approach for everyone. It's just interesting.

One night when I was driving home our regular babysitter (a 16 year old girl) she was telling me about her parents talking to her about sex. It was pretty hilarious. Basically they laid it all out for her and then apparently gave a bit too much information on their own relationship. This apparently grossed her out and her parents (who we know well and are just really nice, humorous people) then proceeded to tease her about it for weeks by saying things like, "I think your dad and I will go have sex now." She told me that she just doesn't even want to think about sex now.

Anyway, it's been pretty interesting for me and my husband because we've spent most of the last five years (both in Boston and here in Texas) in our church's youth program (ages 12-18 ). We don't specifically address sex since we believe that is the parents' responsibility. But, one of the aims of the program (which, given church statistics is highly successful) is to foster healthy relationships between boys and girls and help them relate to the opposite gender as friends without the sexual pressures they so often feel from their peers (primarily at school). My husband and I both came out of this program.

My husband's job is a lot more involved than my current responsibilities with the youth. And, he and his fellow leaders focus on helping these kids stick to their guns really intensly. He's got a couple of meetings a week planning activities, discussing potential problems, etc. AND he teaches the class every Sunday. AND he's got at least one activity (sometimes two) every week with his particular age group of boys. AND he holds leadership meetings with the boys who are placed in their class presidency. AND he spends a great deal of time getting to know the boys' families so he can get a better feel for each individual's needs.

It really is a labor intensive job! And, I honestly have to say I think that is what it takes to truly help a young person meet the goal of waiting until marriage for sex. It takes active, involved parents, caring, involved youth leaders, and careful choices of friends (ie who you will allow to be an influence on you).

So, I definitely see why these abstinance programs at schools fail - miserably. There's no support system to enable such a program to succeed. And, I don't know that it is possible to instill one in such an environment.

EDIT: I just remembered that a lot of my fellow church members (of my specific religious faith) end up homeschooling - primarily in the middle school years - because they don't want their children exposed to the hyper-sexualization of their peers today. They would rather let their children evolve their views on sex away from that influence. And, the parents I know who have done this are mostly concerned with middle school (and, you'd be surprised at how many doctors' families are among their ranks - in fact, most of the people I currently know who specifically homeschooled all of their children during middle school were md families!). With my husband's experience and my own we definitely see that the time that seems to be the most fragile as to shaping a young person's views on sexuality - their own and others' - seems to be the ages of 12-14 (the specific age group my husband is over). About half of his kids that age (and, it's a BIG group) are homeschooled. And, you can DEFINITELY see the difference. The homeschooled kids do seem to form healthier relationships and seem to care much less about peer pressure.

Did anyone else's parents let their child's boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over in their room with the door shut when they were in high school/college?

[Auspicious]

Mine didn't but I have friends whose did. (Friends now, not friends in high school.)

[spotty_dog]

High school? I didn't really have a boyfriend but I did have a couple of co-ed sleepovers in 10th and 11th grades; these took place in the living room with a large group of people and Mom popping in to offer to make us snacks regularly.

College? Sorta. My now-DH came to visit me in Alaska several times, and they gave him the room adjoining mine; they also didn't protest when I planned an overnight trip to Seward on his first visit...

My brother entered high school about the same time I moved away so I didn't witness his escapades during that time but I seem to recall my mom saying that after he turned 18, the only rule was that he couldn't have girls under 18 in his room or his truck after midnight.

[DCJenn]

Are you kidding? I wasn't even allowed to have a telephone in my room!

Jenn

When I was a senior in high school I was allowed to sleep over at my then boyfriend's house and he was allowed to sleep over at mine (in my room with the door shut). As a freshman in college (age 18), my parents let me go on a romantic vacation alone with my boyfriend for 5 days. And then I regularly went on romantic type vacations with boyfriends alone for the rest of college. And my parents let these boyfriends sleep in my room with the door shut when they came to visit. And they didn't blink an eye when at age 23 I told them that I was going to move in with DH for the summer in a new city I'd never been to before after having known him for just a few weeks.

[Momo]

(age 1 8) , my parents let me go on a romantic vacation alone with my boyfriend for 5 days.)

.


age 10???!!

That should have been 18. Not sure why that did that.

[Momo]

phew! you had me shocked w/ 1 8) !!

high school, no way but never had a boyfriend
College i was in a different country and never brought my boyfriend home
my brother was allowed his girlfriend in his room but that was after they had been together a year and a half and were in their final year.

[Grog]

To make a long story short.... High school, not really, although they closed their eyes on a few things... And I was very often away sleeping at friends' houses. My parents pretty much trusted me. I remember calling home one Friday night explaining in much details my plans for the weekend to my mom. Then she said: 'Huhum, ok, so why are you calling?' ......!!!

After high school I lived on my own and when I visited my parents (ex: over the holidays), it was understood that I was now an adult. If I was accompanied, we slept in the same room.

[Vishenka69]

In high school I was only allowed a co-ed sleepover for New Years. For college I moved to the dorms to avoid the issue. The first time I went on vacation with a boyfriend I was 18 and it was the summer before college (so technically post high school).

Back in junior high and during the height of 90210, I told my mom that I wasn't waiting until I get married. So she had years to prepare herself.

[spotty_dog]

Back in junior high and during the height of 90210, I told my mom that I wasn't waiting until I get married. So she had years to prepare herself.

LOL. In ninth grade I frequently went to Baptist youth group with a friend. One day they were pushing abstinence promotion stuff and there was a drive to get a certain number of teenagers' signatures on little slips of paper indicating that they planned to wait till marriage.

I signed -- but in pencil, so it wasn't legally binding.

[Stella]

My mom STILL doesn't let my SO and I even sleep on the same floor of the house. I've talked to her about this multiple times and it pisses us both off (SO and I) but what can we do?? She even said that she won't let us sleep in the same room when we are engaged, we must be married. It's rediculous but it's for her "morals." Whatever. My dad doesn't care at his house.

Anyway, in answer to your questions.... No.
In high school? Definitely not.
In college? No.

Now that my SO and I are 23/24 and have been together for 2+ years my dad has finally come around (as of this summer) and my mom is not even close. Yes, apparently I am still 13.