Premarital Sex

[fluffhead]

Well this won't be a popular opinion, but I agree with Stella's mom. If you're a guest in her house, you abide by her standards. And if that means sleeping separately until marriage, you do it, or stay in a motel. Is it turning a blind eye toward your regular behavior outside of her house? Sure, but it's her house and her guests should follow her comfort zone.
I'd much prefer sleeping separately for a night or two or three than having my parents feel hypocritical for allowing behavior with which they don't agree happen under their roof.
But hey that's me.
And as far as my history, I allowed my family little to no views into my romantic life, and they preferred it that way, I think. In their house, it was hands off, always.

[Auspicious]

Well this won't be a popular opinion, but I agree with Stella's mom. If you're a guest in her house, you abide by her standards. And if that means sleeping separately until marriage, you do it, or stay in a motel. Is it turning a blind eye toward your regular behavior outside of her house? Sure, but it's her house and her guests should follow her comfort zone.

I agree. This was the way it went in my parents' house and my husband's parents' as well. When we were 28 and 32 and living together we still slept in separate rooms in their houses and neither of us had a problem with it. It wasn't so much a big "moral" issue, almost more a custom--like it would be tacky for us to share a room at their houses or something.

[DCJenn]

Gotta say that Stella, I'm with your mom on this one. Her mortgage, her rules.

My first husband and I were engaged and living together and still spent the night in seperate rooms at my parent's house. It was just the right thing to do. Even though for the record, they liked him and they didn't have a problem with my moving in with him (didn't do it until after we got engaged) - mostly because his house was 45 minutes closer to where I was working.

I did go to an out-of-town family wedding once with an ex-boyfriend and we stayed in a motel together. Really though, there weren't many more options available. (It was after my divorce though)

Jenn

[MissCrabette]

My parents are a lot like Stella's mom so we sleep in separate rooms. Back in my senior year in high school I was dating someone else and I asked when I'd be able to close the door to my room. My dad said, "when you're married." They clearly like my fiance more than my ex boyfriend and they allowed us to sleep in the same tent or hotel room (with two beds), but that's more because it would've been ridiculous to go completely out of our way to keep us separated. But like Jenn, Jullie, and Fluff said, their house, their rules.

His parents, on the other hand, let us sleep in the same room from the first time I visited. On the first night I insisted on getting the guest bed, not wanting to make a bad impression. I gave in the second night.

[Stella]

Hmm, I just reread that post I wrote. I didn't mean for it to sound so whiny but I guess it did now that I look it over. Anyway, it's her house, her rules, and I'm fine with that. It annoys SO more than it bothers me. But that's probably because I get the comfy queen sized bed and he gets a couch in the basement.

[alison]

I'm going to show these to dh, because we slept in separate rooms at my parents' until we were married. We were living together and we still slept in separate rooms at my parents'. That's just the way it was and I was pretty sure that in most households this is the way it was and is.

In Germany, my 18 year old host brother had his girlfriend over IN HIS BEDROOM for entire weekends. My host mother would serve them breakfast and ask them how they slept.

I would never have slept in the same bed in my parents house, my dad would have been very uncomfortable with the entire situation and so would we. DH's parents seem to think it would be Ok once we were engaged, but we were always in the guest bedroom with 2 single beds........I will not allow our boys to allow girls to sleep over in high school and once they are in college I'll have to see how I feel about it. I find that there are a lot of things that I want done a certain way in theory, but then the time comes and it all changes.

[DCJenn]

My cousin brought his girlfriend to my parents house for Thanksgiving and she slept downstairs with his sister and his mother and he was all the way on the third floor in my dad's office. No one even batted an eye, either.

If it were me he was visiting, I'd probably allow them to sleep in one room because we're generationally the same- I'm just 18 years older! Nikolai will not be granted the same courtesy.

Jenn

[Rapunzel]

My sister and her fiance (wedding in March) are coming into town to visit tomorrow night. As in times past they will sleep in seperate rooms.

One of my bil's just got engaged (again). Like some of our friends, he tends to get engaged to various girls without the marriages ever actually happening . If and when his fiance comes to visit she will sleep in a seperate room from bil.

[Amiens]

When dh and I were dating, he got snowed in at my parents house, and he slept on the couch, and I was in my room. A couple of times we visted his parents- once when we were dating and a second time when we were engaged, both times we slept in different rooms of the house- I in the guest room and him on the couch. When we were first married it was a little wierd staying at his parents in the same room.

Crystal

[Rapunzel]

There are several traditions in our current society that really can spell disaster for someone committed to maintaining celibacy until marriage.

The first and most prominant I can think of is the tendency to have kids (and, I do mean kids) pair up as boyfriend/girlfriend early in life. This trend is partially fostered by the earlier dating phenomenon. We are taught (and teach) that you don't start seriously dating until you are ready for marriage - because dating is searching for a marriage partner. Prior to that point in life group dating is what we do - so there is the social interaction with the opposite gender without the overtly sexual overtones that can go along with raging hormones and being alone with someone to whom you are admittedly attracted. Fostering group activities among teenagers is so important. And, the tendency for middle school aged children to do this (pair up and go out alone together) is shocking. I say shocking because I am amazed at how many parents allow their "children" to start "dating" and encounter situations which they are not emotionally capable of handling at that point in their lives.

The second major tendency I see in our society which can easily shatter a person's commitment to abstinance is..... the long engagement.

You have decided you want to spend the rest of your life with this one person. You are VERY attracted to him/her. This is normal - and a good thing. However, anyone - ANYONE - in such a situation, given enough time will break. It's ridiculous to have a six to twelve month engagement between two people who are bonkers for each other and not expect someone to break. When our children tell us they are engaged our advice will be: Get married within two months. Period. If they want to elope quickly? Fine! (As long as they have gotten to know the individual for a year or so prior to the engagement). We've seen that shorter engagements foster abstinance prior to marriage and longer ones tend to be a death knell for such an ideal.

The fact is that sexual attraction is part of life - and, a good part. It's not enough to just say, "I won't have sex until marriage," and leave it at that. You have to have a plan and a way to carry out that plan. You have to have a support group of family, friends, and non-familial adults who can positively influence you and help guide you through and away from difficult situations that could break you.

It's a huge commitment to maintain that a sexual relationship will be one that you wait for until you find the person whom you desire to spend your life with (and, for us, eternity as well). And, with such a commitment it requires you to often go against the grain of society - which requires serious outside support. It's not easy. I'd say it's definitely worth it (as would my husband ). But, it's not easy.

[PrincessFiona]

We always slept in separate rooms at my parents house too....then we just waited until everyone was asleep and met in the middle :>

[alison]

We always slept in separate rooms at my parents house too....then we just waited until everyone was asleep and met in the middle :>

What about at your dh's parents'? Same room, right?

[SuzySunshine]

Rapunzel you bring up some interesting points and I have to say that going through all the crap of dating in high school and college I'd be perfectly happy to get engaged and married two months later (I have cousins that were raised that way).

I just wonder how that is possible financially sometimes. Don't get me wrong I have many LDS friends who were married in undergrad or medical school and I constantly wonder how they did it. If DH and I had gotten married earlier in medical school he would have lost out on so much financial aid because of my salary, regardless of the fact that we lived in one of the most expensive places in the US. We had been dating for almost five years when we got married, we had been engaged for 11 months and we waited until our wedding night.

I think raising our children with your theory on dating though is much smarter and a more responsible way to help them make the correct decisions. Very interesting insight...

[PrincessFiona]

We always slept in separate rooms at my parents house too....then we just waited until everyone was asleep and met in the middle :>

What about at your dh's parents'? Same room, right?

Bingo, Alison. Hey...dh's mom even set up bubbly water and changed the sheets for his brother when he had...company...EEEEWWWWW