"Soooo, when are you going to have babies?"

[alison]

Idle chit-chat is just that - idle chit-chat. If we keep creating "off-limit" subjects the people in this world will become even more disconnected. :!

Whatever happened to skipping religion and politics in polite company? This isn't a light question. Having children is a very heavy decision, and the questioning can be really prying and intrusive IMO. It's not "have you seen the Monet exhibit" or "are you planning to go to Europe anytime soon" - it's "Tell me your life plans and if I don't agree with them, I'll hammer you into the ground for a bit to make you rethink your choices." I find that utterly creepy.

I hear you. But there's got to be a skillful way to not answer questions without antagonizing the asker. I mean, if it's a close relative, you don't necessarily want to tell him or her to shove it. Instead, isn't there a way to basically say, "hey, this is personal, this is off limits -- now ask me about my plans for Europe."

[Flynn]

I have a friend with one child. To the outsider it looks like they chose to have one child. In reality they had four miscarriages after their first child and chose to just "let their family be." Whatever their situation, it's THEIR business.

I never knew how the "OC" (only child) topic can really be a hot bed issue. ????? (until she has told me some stories)

I know that in education --- some teachers in my experience say things like "yeah, well he's an OC so cut him some slack" or the opposite "she's the typical OC -- she's never been told no in her life."

I find there are just as many positive qualities as negetive in OCs -- but heck -- every kid is different!!

I'm rambling but my point is, my friend has had MANY MANY people say that:

• OCs are nuts - -why JUST have one
  did you mean to have one kid?
  is parenting so hard you stopped at one???

Just to name a few. I guess for some people "when are you going to have kids" is just the first step of some extremely inapropropriate questions!!!!

Whatever happened to skipping religion and politics in polite company?

I wouldn't place this topic in w/religion or politics. For me the key to whether or not a "line" is "crossed" is the follow up. If someone says "We're not ready." or "We're not sure." or "We aren't there yet." or "It's not even on our horizon." or "We're focusing on other things." (you get the picture), I'll usually change the subject, or say something like "You're smart to take the time to think it through. Too many people take the plunge b/c it's what is expected." When people start to hammer w/"why?" "when?" "you're not following God's plan!" ... that is just RUDE, IMO.

Or, perhaps my version is rude too, and if so - I apologize.

I think it is a lot like when people ask "how are you doing?" and they really don't give a hoot. Can you imagine their faces when you say, "Well, actually, really @*&(@. . .my husband's been on call all week, my daughter's been peeing in her bed at night. . ." I see "When are you planning on having kids" being in the same category as "how are you doing. . .how long have you lived here. . .do you have any pets. .

Aside from a few nosy b*tches, I would guess that most people hear your response and are like oh, hmmm, nice and move on.

[alison]

I think it is a lot like when people ask "how are you doing?" and they really don't give a hoot. Can you imagine their faces when you say, "Well, actually, really @*&(@. . .my husband's been on call all week, my daughter's been peeing in her bed at night. . ."

I do this. Germans really want to know, and I've been trained to answer the question honestly. I hate it when "how are you?" is equated to "hello!"


I agree with Flynn that it's just the first step in a series of inappropriate questions. My brother and I are 8 years apart in age, and I can remember people asking *me* if I liked being an only child. If I'd like a little brother or a little sister! And that I should ask my parents for a sibling. WTF!

[alison]

So Lily, when do you plan to have kids? Just kidding!

[Sheherezade]

it's "Tell me your life plans and if I don't agree with them, I'll hammer you into the ground for a bit to make you rethink your choices." I find that utterly creepy.

I think it's the "I'll hammer you into the ground for a bit to make you rethink your choices" that's the rude part of this equation. I would never do that. I have actually never had that happen to me, and if it did I'd hammer them right back. We'd never be friends.

If it was family, they'd certainly know what I think about their actions as well - and it would be tense. It helps that I have a confrontational family to start with - a battle over someone else's rudeness would be the norm. Maybe that's why I don't see this behavior as rude. The question has always been posed as something of mild interest to the speaker. It's just chit-chat.

Now...politics I avoid. These days, that's a powder keg. (And that's a shame IMHO)

[SuzySunshine]

Whatever happened to skipping religion and politics in polite company?

I wouldn't place this topic in w/religion or politics. For me the key to whether or not a "line" is "crossed" is the follow up. If someone says "We're not ready." or "We're not sure." or "We aren't there yet." or "It's not even on our horizon." or "We're focusing on other things." (you get the picture), I'll usually change the subject, or say something like "You're smart to take the time to think it through. Too many people take the plunge b/c it's what is expected." When people start to hammer w/"why?" "when?" "you're not following God's plan!" ... that is just RUDE, IMO.

Or, perhaps my version is rude too, and if so - I apologize.

I don't think your version is rude Jen. Asking the question once in regular conversation is just that, conversation. Extending that line of conversation is rude or proof of social inept-ness (not a word!)

[alison]

Just saw this. It must have been hell to be interviewed like this!


Jennifer Lopez wants children – but not too many!

In an interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show airing Friday, the host asks the singer-actress-designer, "Do you want kids?"

"Yeah, I do," says Lopez, 37. "I absolutely do." She adds, "I have three step-kids."

(Lopez's husband, singer Marc Anthony, 38, is dad to sons Cristian, 5, and Ryan, 3, with ex-wife Dayanara Torres, and a daughter, Arianna, 12, from a previous relationship.)

When DeGeneres presses, "But you want to have more kids. Lots of kids," Lopez replies, "I don't know about a lot."

"Like, five, four?" DeGeneres wonders.

"One or two," Lopez says. "I'll take two at once, that would be great."

When DeGeneres points out, "Really, that's a lot of work," Lopez says, "Okay, but then you're done, and you got two."

"Well, [with] quadruplets you'd be done with four," says DeGeneres.

"Too many," says Lopez.

Last month, Lopez told PEOPLE en Español, "I come from a strong family, so of course I want to have one."

"But," she added, "I do have my own family: my immediate family, my husband and his children. I get to share in all of that. I am very lucky to have that."

[Sheherezade]

Speaking for the socially -innept

I'd never extend beyond the first question unless the couple said they were expecting or that they already had kids. Then, natural conversations progress. If the answer is "No, we don't have any".....or "We aren't planning to have them soon." I'd switch topics.

I don't get the pressing. Of course, the OP was just on asking the first question - not hammering the responder for their answer or follow up questions. I don't think that someone is rude for asking once.

[SuzySunshine]

Just saw this. It must have been hell to be interviewed like this!


Jennifer Lopez wants children – but not too many!

In an interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show airing Friday, the host asks the singer-actress-designer, "Do you want kids?"

"Yeah, I do," says Lopez, 37. "I absolutely do." She adds, "I have three step-kids."

(Lopez's husband, singer Marc Anthony, 38, is dad to sons Cristian, 5, and Ryan, 3, with ex-wife Dayanara Torres, and a daughter, Arianna, 12, from a previous relationship.)

When DeGeneres presses, "But you want to have more kids. Lots of kids," Lopez replies, "I don't know about a lot."

"Like, five, four?" DeGeneres wonders.

"One or two," Lopez says. "I'll take two at once, that would be great."

When DeGeneres points out, "Really, that's a lot of work," Lopez says, "Okay, but then you're done, and you got two."

"Well, [with] quadruplets you'd be done with four," says DeGeneres.

"Too many," says Lopez.

Last month, Lopez told PEOPLE en Español, "I come from a strong family, so of course I want to have one."

"But," she added, "I do have my own family: my immediate family, my husband and his children. I get to share in all of that. I am very lucky to have that."

See, that's totally inappropriate - yes, these hollywood types have made their lives open books but its still inappropriate to hound someone like that.

[alison]

I think she answered the questions well. I mean, she was classy. She keeps her composure and just rolls with the punches. I can't believe I'm saying that about J.Lo!

Now I'm going to have to watch the interview!

[Auspicious]

I fall more along the lines of Sheherezade and Genivieve on this one--I don't mind being asked, as long as they immediately accept whatever answer I give. I don't have a slew of nattering old aunties or anything, though, so usually the only people asking me this type of question actually care about my life.

What answer I give depends on the asker--I don't mind telling people our deal if I feel they will "get it" and I think they're asking with an open mind.

My stock "changing the subject, please take the hint" answer is to laugh it off and say "Oh don't worry, we'll keep you posted." And, in fact, when there's news to tell, then we'll be telling them. I do think that a lot of the time there's kind of a thing behind questions like that where people don't want to excluded.

[Vishenka69]

I hate those type of questions, but I've gotten used to them in the past 3.5 years that we've been married. In the past few months I've let our families know that it's none of their business in such a way that now they're afraid to ask. But to drive the point home, every time MIL does something I don't agree with (like bug DH with stupid stuff), I remind her that these actions are exactly why we don't have kids yet. If he's got his hands full with her, he can't be counted on as a father. :> I love the look on her face when I say that.

When we went to visit DH's future group in PA, one of the partners (after determining that we don't have kids) started telling me how wonderful Ob's are in their hospital and how he'd hook me up with one as soon as we move. DH said the look on my face was priceless. I was so speechless I didn't know what to say. How do you say that to someone who you met 30 seconds ago? How does he know that we don't have problems or that DH isn't snipped or that we want to adopt internationally or a zillion of other reasons why we don't have children?

If you must ask, then please limit yourself to one question and move on after you get an answer.

[PrincessFiona]

Cheri, my vote is that next time you're asked, you give the old "we're trying all of the time" response with a "hey, can my dh and I slip off into your guest bedroom for a sec" added in for extra measure :>

Sometimes these questions can seem so rude...though I'm sure that I have offended many unknowingly. I am a horrible pregnant belly toucher. I can't help myself....I have...touched the pregnant bellies of women I hardly know My hands are...drawn to their tummies. I hate that I do it, particularly if the woman is horrified (as I am when someone touches my pregnant stomach ) I find it incredibly rude when someone does it to me and yet...I've done it. I actually pissed off a neighbor in our old neighborhood who was really showing...I told her how beautiful she looked, put my hand on her tummy and said something to the baby and....she nearly decapitated me. Bad, bad PrincessFiona!

Of course, there is offense to be had on the other end of the having babies spectrum. How many times have I heard "are those all yours?" "well, you have your hands full" "do you not know how to stop that?" "you must really like sex" (I kid you not!), "why stop at 5" or "are you going to have more?" (this stings more now because we're not...and it is because o f my health...otherwise...I think we would have considered it...then there are the "I would never have 5 kids people" (sux that I was one of them once )

What else have I heard? "Are you crazy? 5 KIDS." complete with eye-rolling "Are you Catholic/Mormon"

blah

kris