"Soooo, when are you going to have babies?"

[SuzySunshine]

I think they should just start making etiquette a required class, people really get out of control on a lot of things that are NONE of their business.

[Meenah]

A good response:

I'll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering!

I think this is one subject that really really bugs me. Any of my friends who have gotten married have said the 'when are you going to a baby' questions have started at their wedding!! one of my friends has been married 3 years, they got married when they were both 20, and not to have babies, just because they love each other and it was the next stage. Someone said to her the other day, 'if you guys don't get pregnant soon, people will presume you're infertile' , they are both 23 and have no interest in having children yet, but why do they constantly have to justify themselves to everyone!

We won;t have this question as we have one and one on the way, but i gaurentee if we have another the question of whenare you having babies will change to 'what, another one!, have you not heard of contraception, or can you two not stay off each other'...you can't win!

[SuzySunshine]

Someone said to her the other day, 'if you guys don't get pregnant soon, people will presume you're infertile'

You know, maybe if everyone assumed you were infertile you'd get less questions...

[PrincessFiona]

I think they should just start making etiquette a required class, people really get out of control on a lot of things that are NONE of their business.

But really....we just couldn't talk to anyone anymore. What is taken as an offense by one is not taken as an offense by the other.

It is perfectly normal to sit with other moms, for example and ask "are you planning on having any more?" and yet...the mom who struggled to conceive or who no longer can have children but wants to will feel hurt. Actually, it's pretty normal to talk about the most disgusting things like vaginal discharge and menstrual irregularities post-delivery with strangers you meet in the play areas at a certain point

unintentional, and really...not rude.

It is probably pefectly normal to ask someone if they are planning on having children (don't hit me!) once they've been married a certain amount of time. It is the "give me the timeline" response that is inappropriate. People are just genuinely excited for others about the prospects of marriage and children etc....and the flipside is that they would also be your biggest chearleaders if they knew you were struggling.

It's also natural for people to be curious if you're pregnant with your 9th boy if you are a little disappointed that it isn't a girl...and ....you probably are...but people get all twisted up about that too.

Mostly, people don't suck, guys...people are good...they just want to know that you are .... like them....with complex feelings and a life that doesn't always gel. I really don't think most people mean to be rude...they are just curious and want to know more about others.

I can guarantee you, Cheri, that if you filled your family in on your struggle...just a teeny bit...that you would end up with a huge amount of support and would likely hear some similar struggles from some of your other family members too.

When people say "Oh, My God..they are all yours" I generally just laugh and say "yah, I know..I sure have my hands full" and the response usually is...."I was overwhelmed with my 2" or "I went crazy at home" etc...and the person is really just trying to connect with me on a deeper level. Even when people say things like "don't you know how to prevent that" they are just trying (miserably) to be funny...and they are asking me more...did you plan to have 5 kids? My response is usually to sort of chuckle and say "we never planned on having a big family...it's a lot of work and a lot of chaos, but a lot of fun" and people will sit and chat for ages about their own family planning etc.

Maybe the best thing to do is just assume that most people aren't trying to be hurtful and it is just their misguided attempts to get to know you more...fill them in....and see what happens.

:!

[SuzySunshine]

Well then we can agree to disagree because I was raised that you don't ask people about their personal lives unless they offer or it is a really good friend and that formality is gone. Again, asking do you have kids in casual conversation is COMPLETELY different then asking specifics.

We have chosen not to tell our parents/family because we don't want them walking on egg shells around us. We don't want people whispering about us behind our backs in pity. And asking "is this the month" every time we talk to them on the phone.

[PrincessFiona]

But Cheri...they are walking on eggshells...they...just don't know it You know I care about you, right...and I'm only saying that because we're having this honest talk...and if you want to...you can come out here and slap me ...

They mean well...and apparently, they raised you not to ask, but....they feel free.....

[alison]

This is not meant to judge you or anybody in your family, Cheri, but I have to agree with Kris. And I would go as far as to say that if you open up to your family, I don't think you will be met with anything but love. Perhaps your family is walking on eggshells; maybe they feel like if they stop asking you about children, then you'll think they're on to something.

Again, I only say this because I care, too...

[SuzySunshine]

They're not walking on eggshells b/c they're not asking. The only person that asks us is my DH's annoying aunt. She married into the family and was obviously not raised with manors. My parents joke all the time "we're ready for more grandkids" that doesn't bother me, if they knew they would stop and my dad would be hurt that he's been saying it afraid it was bothering me - when its not. My IL's never bring it up at all.

I don't see how they're walking on eggshells on a topic they don't even think is relevant until research years which is 2008.

Kris, I see where you're coming from but I don't see how telling our families what we're going through would help anyone.

[fluffhead]

There's a fine line between curious and offensive.
A certain MIL I know asked during our last pregnancy if this was our last, and if DW would be getting tubes tied or if I'd be getting the big V.
IMHO, that crosses the line, by kilometers.

[PrincessFiona]

Kris, I see where you're coming from but I don't see how telling our families what we're going through would help anyone.

OK..so now I'm going to be rude...but...is this something that you've shared with your mom...or a sibling...

How would it help? support for you...a chance for them to be supportive in your life? I guess this is something that we were never shy about.

Dh had a variococele (spelling) that went undiscovered until he was 28...we were told dh might not be able to have children...and...he had to have surgery.

Our entire family new.

[Vishenka69]

There's a fine line between curious and offensive.
A certain MIL I know asked during our last pregnancy if this was our last, and if DW would be getting tubes tied or if I'd be getting the big V.
IMHO, that crosses the line, by kilometers.

I can totally see both of our mothers asking that. I think to some degree it's also a cultural thing. In some countries/states/cities/etc. certain things are considered the norm and others are percieved as rude. I know that most of the time people who are asking don't think they're being rude or crossing any sort of lines, the questions/probes seem completely normal for them. But that doesn't mean that these types of things will stop bothering me. I'm sure that the guy at the party thought it was perfectly normal to assume that we've waited till end of residency and will start trying July 1st. I could have stooped to his level and asked if got a vasectomy after his 4th, but I didn't. I just don't like people making assumptions where they shouldn't be.

OK..so now I'm going to be rude...but...is this something that you've shared with your mom...or a sibling...

How would it help? support for you...a chance for them to be supportive in your life? I guess this is something that we were never shy about.

I think it entirely depends on the relationship you have with your mother or sibling ... and the person in the relationship would be the best one to judge. As I think we can all agree, the simple basis of "relation" doesn't make people more intuitive or immediately helpful.

And I would tend to agree w/Cheri on the wanting to avoid the "any news this month"? kind of thing. Or as another friend of mine put it, the knowing looks that you get from everyone suspecting you're off to have sex. Just kind of kills the mood.

So, first of all I also think that it is fairly rude...I think there is an explanation for why people feel the need to ask.
People are bombarded every other minute by headlines about what celebrity is dating what celebrity, who is marrying who, who is having babies, who is divorcing, and on and on and on. So, it seems only natural that the same people who are "privy" to the intimate and personal details of the lives of people they have never met would be so interested in the personal details of the people they are talking to face to face. It doesn't make ANY of it right...but maybe it is an explanation as to why people think it is okay to ask such personal things...
Okay...so thats what I think about that

[alison]

I'm not bothered because like Kris, I honestly don't think people mean to be rude. I think people are interested, for whatever reason, and that is okay by me.

Now personally I don't ask any of these questions (probably because they bother my mother so much). I never ask "when are you going to have a baby", "are you trying for more", "don't you want to try for the girl"? I would feel rude asking them but I am not offened when people ask the same of me. I don't know if that make's sense or not but that's how I am.

ITA. You know, I really have to let things go, because I tend to be really hard on people. While I don't want them to ask overly personal questions, at the same time, I hate it when people are self-absorbed and only talk about themselves. People need to be given a break.