"Soooo, when are you going to have babies?"

[Rapunzel]

Oh, I get asked all the time:

"Are they ALL yours?"

"Don't you know what causes that?"

"Will you have anymore?"

"How many children WILL you have?"

"Did you plan on having five?"

"What if you have twins - or triplets - with another pregnancy? Will you have more then?"

I get various comments such as:

"OH, you're a breeder."

"Your hands must be full!" (the most common comment behind the questoin "Are you done?")

Many versions of: "Poor you!"

sigh



Maybe I'll just start winking at them!!!

Seriously, it really all used to bother me - a TON. But, my skin is getting thicker and, when I have confronted people on these questions and comments generally I find out the following: Either the other person is 1) asking because they have these questions for themselves and want to know how other people are deciding and why, or 2) are just genuinely curious - and mean nothing malicious - just friendly curiousity, or 3) actually are malicious, or 4)have incorrect assumptions (ie I didn't plan these children or my life is worse for them or something) - just ignorance.

I have to say that, honestly, I rarely actually do come across someone who is #3 (ie malicious). Usually it is curiousity or ignorance fueling these questions and comments. But, occasionally, I have someone (usually a young woman) ask me because she really wants advice or more information to help herself make a decision. Because I've found that happens sometimes I have tried to be more accomodating - for that one person who really wants my help.

Like I said, it used to bother me. Now I see it as a chance to educate others about the joys of having a large family.

Now, this is different in some ways from the subject of NOT having children and everyone wanting to know about that. But, in some ways it really is the same book - just a different chapter.

It's easier to take if you just assume that people are asking nosey questions out of simple curiousity, pure ignorance, for want of advice, or because they care about you. For those reasons you can view it as a chance to teach others about your situation candidly.

[Rapunzel]

However, I can see how the frustration of trying and trying to conceive is very private. And, I see how it really doesn't help to harangue or harass someone you KNOW is struggling with fertility issues. For that reason I do not ask my sister these questions. If it happens - it happens. I love her either way.

I do have to be careful, though. I know that when my sis found out about my last two pregnancies it really depressed her. She's very sweet about hearing me talk about pregnancy - and I try very hard to avoid talking about things that would bring back the hurt she has felt from her own situation.

[SuzySunshine]

I have told one sister - the one who is a Labor & Delivery nurse and is in the process of getting her Master's in Women's Health because I thought she would be a good resource and she has been. I did not tell my older sister because her and I do not have the same priorities - she got a large work settlement last year b/c they'd been under paying her for her shift differential and instead of using it for IVF (which she always complains they don't have the money for) she bought a $1,000 camera and planned a trip to Ireland. I have not told my mom, not because we're not close but because she has her own things to worry about and I don't want to add to it.

Now, we have not told the IL's because MIL and I already have a strained relationship, I don't need another thing for her to be pissed at me about (i.e. not being able to give her grandchildren).

Like I said previously, I think you can tell when someone is being rude by the question. If they are honestly just asking I give them my response and we move on - its the ones that drag it out that piss me off.

Cheri -- I probably wouldn't talk to my family about it either. But that is just me...and just them. I don't think it would lend support to me.

I think that most people who ask don't have bad intentions but in some cases don't have the best manners. That said, if I have one more person ask me if I am disappointed about having another girl, I might go ape**** on them. It, uh, really bothers me despite knowing that 99% of the people who say it are not misogynist pigs.

[DCJenn]

My FIl was the worst. When he asked I said, "every time you ask, we're adding another year on." and I would look him straight in the eye when I said it.

My MIl was a different piece of work. She and her ex adopted my husband becuse they had the Rh factor thing back before there was a way to treat it. so, her big thing was "why" we were adopting. Finally I said (after WAY too many glasses of wine) "OK Ruthie here's the deal- remember when Rick was hit in the nuts with a baseball and wanted to go to the hospital but the coach told him to shake it off? OK, well, you guys should have taken him to the hospital. As for me- I was a 'ho and apparently had PID and the tubes are all backed up." I figured shock value alone would shut her up. (and the guilt) But NO! She said, "Oh, I'm so glad it was both of you."

JMJ it was annoying.

Jenn

[Amiens]

I take questions like these in stride.

This pregnancy, because it was such a surprise, and I am still trying to deal with the emotion of it all- we have told very few people, and my in-laws have yet to find out. I am trying my hardest right now to conceal my growing bump. They and the rest of the world will hopefully find out when I am 16 weeks (in about 3 wks).

I think I am not ready to absorb questions like "do you know how that happens right?" "Uhh was this planned?" "You do KNOW what birth control is?" "Just think if you have a girl you'll have a perfect pair!" "If it's a boy will you try for another girl?" and on and on......

My favorite line I have gotten lately- I was in the grocery store with all three and a man said to me as he passed me in the aisle "good luck with your kids lady."

My last three pregnancies I haven't minded questions, but this time around I am definitely setting things out in the open on MY terms. When I am ready I will take questions and comments with a grain of salt.

As far as when are you having kids. Dh were asked this quite a bit when he hit our first anniversary. I would tell them "When we grow up." :>

on the theme of Crystal's reply, but with a bitter edge ...

If people ask (repeatedly) or it's someone you don't want asking, you could reply "When the world stops being made up of so many nosey people." .... I'm not terribly good at comebacks, but I'm sure someone else could fill that one out nicely. Lily??

[Amiens]

on the theme of Crystal's reply, but with a bitter edge ...

If people ask (repeatedly) or it's someone you don't want asking, you could reply "When the world stops being made up of so many nosey people." .... I'm not terribly good at comebacks, but I'm sure someone else could fill that one out nicely. Lily??

Apparently a lady at our church knows, and if this woman knows then EVERYBODY knows- I guess she stopped by my neighbor's house when my neighbor was watching my three kiddos while I was at a prenatal appt. The nosy lady said "Oh you're watching Crystal's kids. She doesn't look too good these days." My neighbor just said "she is running some errands today." And that was that. Well a week or so later the only other lady that knows in my church said the nosy lady came up and said "Did you know Crystal is pregnant?!" My friend said "Really! No, is she? she hasn't said anything to me."

I tell you I don't know if I will be quite as restraint as I have been in the past. I think if someone at church comments about me being pregnant before I am ready for others to know, I will really want to look at them and say "Where did you hear that?! Do I look pregnant? Maybe I just need to lay off of the ice cream and Krispie Kreams. You know it's not nice to spread rumors" My favorite line I want to use in response to "Are you pregnant?" is "Nah I just like putting on 20 lbs for the hell of it."

Oh another thought on the "You do KNOW what birth control is?" In all honesty I could say "I do, but my dh has forgotten."

[Malpka]

Oh another thought on the "You do KNOW what birth control is?" In all honesty I could say "I do, but my dh has forgotten."

When my MIL asked me over and over why we were having a third baby when DH had such a bad schedule and "2 is more than plenty" . Finally I said "Oh- I agree. But your son is insatiable, and I can't beat him off me with a stick. That is why when one is weaned we find out the next one is on the way" She is such a prude, and was totally traumatized. No more comments have ever been made

[PrincessFiona]

:>
:>
:>

[Rapunzel]

Oh another thought on the "You do KNOW what birth control is?" In all honesty I could say "I do, but my dh has forgotten."

When my MIL asked me over and over why we were having a third baby when DH had such a bad schedule and "2 is more than plenty" . Finally I said "Oh- I agree. But your son is insatiable, and I can't beat him off me with a stick. That is why when one is weaned we find out the next one is on the way" She is such a prude, and was totally traumatized. No more comments have ever been made

That's hilarious!

I love it. :> I'm picturing "You can't handle the truth!" from A Few Good Men.

Nice work on ending that line of questioning.

[alison]

I love it. :> I'm picturing "You can't handle the truth!" from A Few Good Men.

Nice work on ending that line of questioning.

You guys are cracking me up!
I never have any good comebacks! Although I did tell my mil that she will be the first to know when I'm pregnant, even before dh. Sadly, she looked pretty satisfied with that. As if *she'll* be the one who gets to tell dh.

[Stella]

I can understand from the "When are getting engaged/married?" side... It's annoying and my mom keeps telling me I'm ready. Oh really, Mom? Thanks for filling me in.

Just because we can stay in a happy dating relationship for 2.5 years doesn't make us ready for marriage. Grr...

That said, I always reply with "Later." and change the subject and I don't have anything personal against the person that asks.

[Gwendolyn]

So my brother has gotten closer to popping the question to his girlfriend of seven years (rather she said ring or I'm gone) and today I asked him if he had started shopping for a ring. His response: "You suck." It effectively demonstrated his feelings on the subject, pr rather my bring it up

I think that there are many reasons to not press, beyond fertility. I was ready to try nearly a year before DH. How was I supposed to say I would love to but my husband is having his ass handed to him at work and barely wants to have sex, let alone try and conceive a child. Then once we started and found out that we couldn't go it alone, seriously I got the question every month. "Are you pregnant?" Any time I complained of being tired or sick feeling (I had the genuine flu) "I bet you are pregnant." Sometimes I wanted to scream at people, sometimes it didn't bother me. I am very transparent and share a lot about what is going on with others, usually to set the tone for inviting them to share as well, but I would never press. Also, I opened the situation to those questions by sharing in the first place. This experience has shut me up a bit. If there is a next time, I won't tell as many people that we are trying when they ask.