Age Wbetween kids....

[PrincessFiona]

This is a spin-off off what was being discussed a bit in the CallRoom...I figured we could carry it over here.

What are your thoughts on spacing your children?


We have children that are 15 months apart, 2 1/2 years apart and 5 years apart.

Honestly.....there is something to be said for and against each age gap. My two with the closest age gap were best buddies until they hit the tween years. Now, they argue non-stop, but....when push comes to shove, they have an incredibly fierce loyalty to each other.

The 2 1/2 year age difference is the toughest...This child isn't close enough in age to really be "friends" with any of his sibs.

The 5 year gap allows them to be in more of a care-taking role than anything else...and that isn't necessarily bad either...just different.


kris

[spotty_dog]

I think that parenting can affect how siblings relate to one another as well. Looking back, I think my parents intervened too much when my brother and I squabbled (we were 3 years, 11 months apart.) We were never left to work conflicts out together, so as a result we seldom did *anything* together. I'm almost positive a larger age gap wouldn't have helped me to feel protective instead of annoyed by my brother. A smaller age gap might have, since I would have understood his perspective better (and he would have had more personality by the time I left home, LOL.)

One of my personal reasons for a closer spacing is just selfish. I want all my kids born by the time I'm 30 -- in a perfect world, they'll be grown while DH and I are still relatively young. Since DS came when I was 27, that gives me about 3 years to get #2 popped out.

I'm not entirely sure what factors are influencing DH (whose half-siblings are all much older than he) but he's on board with a 2-3 year spacing as well.

[DCJenn]

We're completely and totally OK with just one.

As I said in the call room, my brother and I are 25 months apart and never, ever got along. We have little in common and NO ONE can annoy me faster. I like him as a person though. (Once he got over that whole "Nixon was the greatest president we have ever had" thing...)

My husband is 7 and 8 years younger than his older sisters and 6 years older than his youngest sister. Unfortunately he's also the most mature and apparently has been since they day they brought him home from foster care. He has a step-brother who is his exact age and they were really close when they were little kids. (My husband is also the only adopted one)

He gets along the best with one of the older sisters. She's the less crazy of them all and she's also a nurse. He gets along the least with the oldest sister but really, not even their mother likes her.

He did date quite a few of the older AND younger sisters' friends.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Hmm...it is amazing how passionate people can be about this issue. The locals here seem to think that a two to three year age gap is the norm.

Mine are 4.5 years apart simply because this is all that I could manage. While I find infants to be intoxicating, I'm completely overwhelmed by them in the first few years of life. Because I was a quasi single mom, this age gap is about the closest I could manage. For the most part, it makes life easier b/c my older child is more independent. However, it kind of sucks when I realize that it is harder find things that fit both of their developmental needs. Oh yeah, they still fight.

I think that DH and I were heavily influenced by our own family structure. DH has a brother who is 6 years older and a sister who is 6 years younger. I have a brother who is 5 years older. The large age gap felt normal to us.

Still, the family we're living with has two girls who are seventeen months apart...they are constant playmates and they can almost always do the same activities. The mom admits that the first three years were hard, but now she is glad for the close spacing.

Hey, to each his own. There is always going to be some bonehead who thinks differently.

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

My kids are spaced:

boy #1
28 months
twin girls #2,#3
34 months
girl #4
30 months
girl #5
and, coming up 28 months
girl #6

I haven't ever really thought about the spacing of my kids from the viewpoint of how my children interact with one another. Honestly, I think their genders, birth order, and innate personalities have way more to do with their relationships than how far apart they are by birth.

Spacing my kids this way was important to me instead. Because I really, really needed time to fully recover from each birth. After each pregnancy I would get myself physically back into shape and mentally "rested" (because, for me, having a newborn is quite emotionally strenuous) before I would consider getting pregnant again. And, it usually followed the cycle that our "baby" would be firmly in the toddler years and about to move on to the preschool years, dh and I would start looking at everyone's old baby pics and everyone else's cute little babies, we would miss that timeperiod, and, usually, by then we were completely sold on having the next one.

I really don't think the spacing between children is that important. You have to go with the flow in life. And, I think when a woman gives birth is much more important to the woman (regarding her physical and emotional health) than any other consideration.

Edit: You will notice that there was the longest gap in children after my twins. There's a reason for that! And, it has entirely to do with the difficulties associated with having TWO babies at once!

I guess I'll have more of an insight on this one in about a year. I didn't plan the boys to be so close, and I probably wouldn't have had such a big gap between #2 and #3 if all things had gone as planned.

I don't feel passionately about it - I think kids happen when they're supposed to happen (for the most part).

[PrincessFiona]

Honestly, I think their genders, birth order, and innate personalities have way more to do with their relationships than how far apart they are by birth.

Good point.

I am not really invested in any opinion about spacing...I'm just kind of wondering about the interactions between my own kids...and it is interesting to read the diff. opinions.


And JennH....forgive my lack of sensitivity...


kris

I don't feel passionately about it - I think kids happen when they're supposed to happen (for the most part).

I agree. Like so many things with kids, our plans and intentions get set aside for a different reality, sometimes better than what we could have planned.

My kids are about 3.5 and just shy of 3 years apart. Either that six months makes a huge difference or my experience has more to do with their personalities and birth order (switching from no longer the only child versus no longer the baby). For the kids, I don't think the spacing is as important as it was to me as the parent and what I am able to give. Besides just needing the time, I breastfed the first to until age 2 or a little after. I wouldn't have wanted to give that up sooner or been breastfeeding while pg but that is just me.

I don't know why people feel compelled to ask or comment. Most of the time it is probably harmless but you never know if someone wants zero or one or eight or if they just had a miscarriage or infertility or whatever.

[DCJenn]

What lack of sensitivity?

We could have adopted two at once had we so desired. As it was they made us ask for one more than we wanted in case there were birth siblings that 'appeared' at the time of the hearing. (we were oh so relieved when there weren't) (that happens when the social workers complete the due diligence- sometimes when doing research they discover other siblings in different orphanages)

Lots of people who were out processing with me at the American Embassy were adopting either natural siblings or more than one un-related (by birth) child.

We are a one child family by design, that's all!

Jenn

To me the issue is more along the lines of home-schooling and all of the other parentally driven decisions that people get their panties in a twist about. As long as the kids are healthy and happy (and so are the parents) people can have one a year or one in a lifetime!

[PrincessFiona]

I just wanted to make sure that I hadn't offended you by .... bringing up spacing of sibings when you had chosen to have one child. See how paranoid I am lately about saying the wrong thing :>

Some days, I fantasize about being childless and laying on the beach drinking tropical concoctions...

So...who am I to comment on spacing of kids

kris

[houseelf]

People will always comment... no matter what you choose. I have a boy and a girl and people act amazed when I admit that I'm not sure we're done. Like, um, what, we've got the matched set of china or something?
This is the inverse comment to the parent of a single gender set of kids: "you gonna try for that boy (girl)?".

Oh yeah, because if you have that next kid, you'll be *guaranteed* the gender that you want.

People suck.

Kelly

[alison]

My brother and I are almost 8 years apart, like I mentioned.
We aren't close at all. He's a great kid, but we're at different places in our lives. I love him to death, but we won't have a buddy-buddy relationship that my dh has with his brother (less than two years age diff.).

I wish I had a close friendship with my brother. I mentioned this to dh, and he said that he wishes he didn't feel so much competition with his brother (career, education, cars... ) There are advantages and disadvantages to spacing.

This is the inverse comment to the parent of a single gender set of kids: "you gonna try for that boy (girl)?".

Really? People say that sort of thing?

[PrincessFiona]

It's actually kind of funny how people feel that they have a real investment in the lives of their friends/family/acquaintances...even with the doubts that we have about our own choices or the honest realizations that we occasionally have that maybe...our way isn't the only way....and I'm guilty of that sometimes too.

I have been asked tons of ridiculous questions from "will you have another if that one is a boy", "were they planned", "if you hadn't had cancer, would you have more....", "how many kids had you planned on having"...

Generally speaking, I think the questions say more about the person asking, and not in a .....bad way....though it can be hard for me to remember that if I'm taken aback by a question that I wouldn't have asked. People are just curious....and sometimes these comments are an attempt to just relate, I think.

I have said some things through the years that when I look back on it...I kind of I certainly never meant to insult anyone, but I have asked people who have as many children as I or more if they are going to continue to add to their family aka. do you feel done? It really was me just trying to converse on a topic that I thought we might have in common...or genuine curiosity....


kris

[Vishenka69]

I just have to throw in a vote for being an only child. I love it. Although I guess this is typical for a spoiled only child brat.

People will always be rude about other's choices, be it cars, houses or number of children. The comments we got about our choices of housing and cars are almost as bad as those regarding our reproduction choices.

I also gave up trying to please parents in that respect. Every since one of my mom's friends is unhappy about her child's choice to either have one (or multiple) or wait or the timing. They'll never be happy regardless, so why bother.

From my perspective siblings suck regardless of spacing and being the only child rules.