Why I Want A Wife

Why I Want a Wife
by Judy Syfers (1971) A wickedly humorous introduction to the sex roles defined by conventional marriage. A man named Adam Ayds wrote a 1995 answer to this essay which you may read HERE .

by Judy Syfers (1971)

(Editors Note: This classic piece of feminist humor appeared in the premier issue of Ms. Magazine and was widely circulated in the women's movement.)

I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife.

And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother. Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals,serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue care for me and my when I need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who take care of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my quests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

From The Story off of NPR: about the author

Wednesday, September 5 2007

Why I Want a Wife
Judy Brady
In August 1970, a woman named Judy Syfers stood before a crowd gathered in San Francisco and read an essay she wrote entitled "Why I Want a Wife." The crowd was gathered to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the 19th amendment, giving women the right to vote.

Judy was heckled by men in the audience, but the essay had an immediate impact within the strengthening feminist movement. It was published in the first issue of Ms. Magazine in 1971. Today, the essay is read by students around the world as a classic example of feminist humor and satirical prose.

Judy Syfers, now Judy Brady, talks with Dick Gordon about how writing the essay changed her life. She got involved with other political movements in the late 70's and 80's, but she credits the women's movement with opening her mind and giving her a foundation as an activist for social justice

http://www.cwluherstory.org/why-i-want-a-wife.html

Listen to the interview here if you so wish.

http://thestory.org/archive/search_medi ... r:int=2007

Ok it's in the debate forum for a reason, I don't think I have to say why. Apparently this is a 101 course for Woman's Studies/Feminism so some here may have read it before.

My thoughts: I feel this way in many respects from medicine not my husband. Medicine has made me sit pretty and just wait for my turn. Easy thing huh when you are trying to be patient for years.

What are your thoughts for yourself, think she was wrong? Think she was selfish? She had two kids, and after she wrote this essay and got into liberating women in it's infancy her husband left her. Her husband was a professor, I *think* at Stanford. Thank God my husband is nothing but supportive.

[DrWahoo]

Wow I was shocked when I read that this was written in 1971. I thought it was written this week.

[madeintaiwan]

It does not surprise me that the same issues that were present in the 70s are still prevalent now. It is near impossible to have "everything" without little or no sacrifice. I would strongly recommed the book The Second Shift by Arlie Russel Hochschild. I read it during a sociology of the family class. History shows us that it is very hard to break tradition. I think the one difference of this article pertaining to it's date and today's time is that there are now men who can relate to this article. We have male members here who are too making the sacrifices for their family.

Is the author right, wrong, selfish? I don't think she is any of those things. As we all know it is difficult to raise a family and have a career too. Something suffers (maybe just a smidge or maybe a whole bunch) when you try to do everything. People and the "family unit" isn't made to withstand "everything" without some sacrificing. I think the sacrificing is a very personal choice that can have no right or wrong answer. Children and families have flourished and failed in single parent home, two parent homes, SAHM parent homes, dual working parents homes, and no parent homes. I think you make choices based on what your family needs are and do the best you can with those choices.

Both DH and I watched our moms struggle to raise us alone. My MIL was divorced with two kids under the age of six by the time she was 24. She worked her butt off to put herself through nursing school, barely getting to see her kids or getting any sleep during those years. Even the years following when she was a night shift nurses she rarely saw her kids. They went to school during the day and stayed in the hospital day care at nite. She regrets the years that she missed with her kids but does not regret her decision to go to nursing school so that she could adequately take care of her kids and put them through private school. Neither DH or BIL resent their mother for the time she spent away from them. They love her dearly and vice versa. My mother didn't have an education, she barely spoke English when we came to the US. I watched my mom struggle as a waitress working double shifts 6 days a week and a half shift on the 7th day. There are regrets of time not spent but never resentment because I know that my mother did what she had to do to provide for us. Getting an education was a top priority for my mother, so when I got pregnant with DS in college there was no way about it, I had to finish. She told me she couldn't breathe until I walked across thay stage. Those were tough years. I worked full time (working 14 hours every Sat, pumping and pumping) while DH finished then he worked full time so I finished. I think the struggle made our degrees even more gratifying because we had to work hard and sacrifice beyond what the typical undergrad had to. I don't regret those years one bit. Same for medical school. Being so poor and having no family. It was just part of our family plan. A crazy family plan but nontheless our family plan. I don't resent DH for the crap that we're going through one bit I think that is because I see that our lives even at this state are better than it was for my mom and my MIL and also that DH sacrificed for me so that I could finish school too. And even though he is off trying to become a doctor, fullfilling his dreams I can not forget that he makes sacrifices every day. He misses us and wants to be with us. But he also wants to financially support our family. And this is the job that he chose, which is no different in terms of time and family sacrifes than a hundred other jobs that are out there. Except unlike many of those other jobs, his job will one day provide the means for us to live comfortably and give our kids many of the opportunities that we didn't have as children, one being having a mother around and a father who loves his job. And one day there will be money if I do ever want to go back to school (my mother never had this).

Are the sacrifices that families have to make fair? No. But I think if there is something in heart that you want so badly that you feel you are not a whole person without then it is worth the sacrifice. It will make you a better person, a better mother/father, a better wife/husband, a better friend when you fill that hole. There are times when the benefits do outweigh the costs. But nothing is free. Unfortunately having a family is about trying to balance it all and hopefully you find a happy medium.

[houseelf]

I read a boat load of womens' studies during the first few years of residency. It helped to both assuage and fuel my anger at the shit-trap of residency.

At the time, I remember felling that as much as things have changed through the years, they haven't really changed at all. With time, I've definitely softened. As we have traveled further down the road, I see us more as a unit with the individuals performing tasks to benefit the whole.

ITA about you going back to get your education. If you feel this strongly about it, you must do it for yourself, your kids, your marriage. I know how corrosive anger and resentment can be to the spirit.

Kelly

But the reason I couldn't have my all, which was quite small in aspiration is cause medicine has forced me to sit pretty. My goals were stepped on, and taken away.

I think that we all can relate on what sacrifices weren't expected that we all grieve through this, that we only choke down because, well what else is there to do but be bitter through and through: Like Heidi never assumed her husbands program would be so hellish. Like one may have thought she wouldn't have to wait 10 years to go home. Like Kris never assumed she'd get cancer and have to battle it alone without her husband because so often he was busy with work. This fill in the blank has been seen through many lives here on IMSN.

I am not bitter, but when I heard this piece, I wanted to raise my hand and say, that's me!

Getting an education was a top priority for my mother, so when I got pregnant with DS in college there was no way about it, I had to finish. She told me she couldn't breathe until I walked across thay stage. Those were tough years. I worked full time (working 14 hours every Sat, pumping and pumping) while DH finished then he worked full time so I finished. I think the struggle made our degrees even more gratifying because we had to work hard and sacrifice beyond what the typical undergrad had to. I don't regret those years one bit. Same for medical school. Being so poor and having no family.

Davita - that speaks volumes about you and your dh (and the jobs your respective mothers did raising you). I've never had the werewithal or drive to jump push myself like that, and was fortunate enough to work my way up to a very good job up until Jacob came along. I truly admire the way you did it.

But I still want a wife.

[DCJenn]

I just want a maid. I don't need anyone else bothering me.

J.

[PrincessFiona]

I just want a penis....so I don't have to worry about any of that stuff anymore...


kris

[DCJenn]

I just want a penis

Your own or just one to play with?

J.

[PrincessFiona]

now now... :tsk:

I sometimes envy our XY brethren. It must be nice to be able to go to a job without being made to feel like you shouldn't have had children if you intended on doing something stimulating for yourself like....working outside of the home.....

or...having someone else to wash your clothes, cook your meals and take care of every little detail when it comes to your children...and to be able to sit around and read your journals and do your CME while your female counterpart does the girly work.

Obviously, the guys here are not included in this little rant.

Seriously though...this is a whole other issue and I might have to start a call room thread.

Kris

[Vishenka69]

While I agree with the speech/article, I'd probably prefer a housekeeper who did also picked up dry cleaning and took cars for service. Yes men feel less guilty when the bathroom isn't cleaned, clothes aren't folded and kids aren't fed, but 90% of the time the guilt women feel is self-inflicted. I don't think I could be married to a man who expected me to work full-time and be Stepford all at once. Luckily DH is perfectly ok with whatever I choose to do or not do, be it work or housekeeping. He quickly learned that the right answer is, "Honey, I'll support whatever it is you decide."

So, bottom line is I don't want a wife, I'm perfectly happy (most of the time) with the husband I have but I wouldn't mind some hired help to oversee the mundane daily stuff.

[GrayMatterWife]

I don't want a wife.

Women are too bitchy.

(Present company excepted, of course!! )

[houseelf]

Davita, I'm not overstating this when I say that I think that your post was one of the strongest posts I've ever seen on this board. Wow is all I can say. Wow. Can you share your peace of mind and good attitude with me?


Julie,

I think that we all can relate on what sacrifices weren't expected that we all grieve through this

I think that WE absolutely do have to come to terms with the road not taken. If you repress anger/sadness/regret it leaks out in weird ways and prevents you from altering your life to make it the one you want. I've lived an absolutely charmed life and yet I had to allow myself to go through the emotions about unforeseen circumstances to get to a higher place. I so hear you on this one. I can't wait to hear about your matriculation to a new school soon. You go girl.

Kelly

[pstone]

You must get rid of the life you have planned to live the live you have.