Why I Want A Wife

[PrincessFiona]

Julie,

Have you considered taking some classes through your local university/college distance learning program? I'm taking my chem class through them right now and all of the lectures are streaming audio/video...there are online discussions and the labs are on 4 diff. Saturdays. It beats doing nothing.

And..it also bothers me to hear this whole *you made your bed now lie in it* attitude...especially from other women/moms. It seems like we are supposed to make choices in our life and then if the outcome falls short for us personally we are supposed to make an ultimatum, leave or suck it up. Life is way more complicated than that.
Sometimes the choices we are offered in our lives are also between two evils and we can choose the lesser of those.

You can whine to me any day and I will understand.

[pstone]

So my question to you and others: Does taking ownership of your choices mean a life long silence on all sacrifices, hardships that come in result of those choices?

Well maybe this is a male thing, or somewhat unique (I hope not) but 'we' make decisions together. She liked surgery, but together we realized it was not best for 'us' and our 'family.' Fellowship? We talk about some, but she is very understanding that my requirement is "will it make us more money? will it reduce the hours you work? will it provide oportunity for 'family' that not doing it won't? Would you really say it is a must for you to be fulfilled?

She is honest and we still don't have any planned. I do know some other couples that seemed to pick specialties based on more then just, "it is who and what I have always wanted to be"

Julie,

Have you considered taking some classes through your local university/college distance learning program? I'm taking my chem class through them right now and all of the lectures are streaming audio/video...there are online discussions and the labs are on 4 diff. Saturdays. It beats doing nothing.

And..it also bothers me to hear this whole *you made your bed now lie in it* attitude...especially from other women/moms. It seems like we are supposed to make choices in our life and then if the outcome falls short for us personally we are supposed to make an ultimatum, leave or suck it up. Life is way more complicated than that.
Sometimes the choices we are offered in our lives are also between two evils and we can choose the lesser of those.

You can whine to me any day and I will understand.

I *heart* you Yes I am going to take a class this upcoming winter semester. I'm working on what that is, but that is the plan. I was tied in a hard place big time coming here. I found out after applications where out, after interviews that my meager specialty of special education was not easily found here (had no clue that in like 12 universities only two would have my teacher training ). So I've come to some major acceptances in the last few months. One, that driving 45 to an hour one way to college is in deed not going to work out for me. I just can't see an area here we would want to settle down in, that would be closer to these 2 schools that are great, but far way. So that left a college in da hood with an average act score of 16 , or an all girls college with a brand new program as of this year. I've decided that I'm gonna shoot for that school. While it may not be the best program due to it's newness, it's only for two years, and then I can move on to a better masters program. So I've had a hard time figuring out what classes to take, and I don't have the time or $ to waist on a class that may not transfer. So now that I've narrowed it down to going to that college if we stay, or a college back in STL I had in the past gotten accepted into. All courses I take I'm gonna make sure transfer to either school. That is my acceptance, that I can't have it all, but I can have my end result - to be a teacher.

So my question to you and others: Does taking ownership of your choices mean a life long silence on all sacrifices, hardships that come in result of those choices?

Well maybe this is a male thing, or somewhat unique (I hope not) but 'we' make decisions together. She liked surgery, but together we realized it was not best for 'us' and our 'family.' Fellowship? We talk about some, but she is very understanding that my requirement is "will it make us more money? will it reduce the hours you work? will it provide oportunity for 'family' that not doing it won't? Would you really say it is a must for you to be fulfilled?

She is honest and we still don't have any planned. I do know some other couples that seemed to pick specialties based on more then just, "it is who and what I have always wanted to be"

I think this is what every marriage that is going to be successful has to do. DH and I also have the same conversation. I told DH a fellowship is only ok if 1. we don't have to take on more debt to do it 2. I don't have to move, and 3. that the kids and I don't have to sacrifice our lives to do it.
Ultamately he just doens't want to do one (so far) and I'm happy

[GrayMatterWife]

. . . or an all girls college with a brand new program as of this year. I've decided that I'm gonna shoot for that school. While it may not be the best program due to it's newness, it's only for two years, and then I can move on to a better masters program. So I've had a hard time figuring out what classes to take, and I don't have the time or $ to waist on a class that may not transfer. . .

You'd like to be a special education teacher? They are in super-high demand, I believe (at least they were back when I was teaching, about a decade ago). Great choice!

[houseelf]

This conversation has really piqued my interest! Great thoughts everyone.

Julie, you MUST go to school. You must turn your strong emotions into passion to accomplishing this goal. Your entire family will suffer if you don't. Will it mean daycare for your kids? Absolutely. Is this the worst thing in the world. Hell no. Will it mean some serious sucky days where you have to choose "how sick" a child is so that you can go to school? Yes. At the end of the day, your kids will know if your commitment to them is real and that you loved them beyond all else. I know because my mom worked full time and she was still able to love me through all the rough spots of my life. She worked a crappy 40 hour a week job before women did this sort of thing and I can tell you that I'm no worse for the wear.

I'm not saying that this will be easy at all. In fact, there are going to be days that feel like hell. You need to arm yourself with stories of successful people overcoming hardships and keep your eye on the prize. Think of Will Smith's Pursuit of Happiness, Oprah, our own Davita, and the thousands of stories of single moms working their a** off and still raising successful happy kids. There is that story of the first generation immigrants who picked garbage to send all three kids to college. Find these type of stories and make a collection to review when you feel down. Take the steps to get this done for yourself, your child, and your marriage. You can not let regret fill your life. It will erode your soul.

In some ways, you are luckier than most because you know what you want. Yes, the price is high, but you can do it. Education is a gift that you give yourself that you will have your entire life. Your kids will have a true example of "girl power" to guide them through life.

Kelly

[houseelf]

RE: the debate thing. ITA with Kris' comments regarding the economic aspect of all of this. Motherhood is the single biggest indicator of poverty in this country, for myriad reasons, many of them self-inflicted. I think that the bridge between feminism and the 1950's is finding a partner who understands that in addition to professional goals, a woman may have a need to downgrade and nurture her caretaker side as well. This theory, dovetails exactly with the whole "women in medicine" thread in the call room.

It is a multilayered issue.

Kelly

[GrayMatterWife]

This conversation has really piqued my interest! Great thoughts everyone.

Julie, you MUST go to school. You must turn your strong emotions into passion to accomplishing this goal. Your entire family will suffer if you don't. Will it mean daycare for your kids? Absolutely. Is this the worst thing in the world. Hell no. Will it mean some serious sucky days where you have to choose "how sick" a child is so that you can go to school? Yes. At the end of the day, your kids will know if your commitment to them is real and that you loved them beyond all else. I know because my mom worked full time and she was still able to love me through all the rough spots of my life. She worked a crappy 40 hour a week job before women did this sort of thing and I can tell you that I'm no worse for the wear.

I'm not saying that this will be easy at all. In fact, there are going to be days that feel like hell. You need to arm yourself with stories of successful people overcoming hardships and keep your eye on the prize. Think of Will Smith's Pursuit of Happiness, Oprah, our own Davita, and the thousands of stories of single moms working their a** off and still raising successful happy kids. There is that story of the first generation immigrants who picked garbage to send all three kids to college. Find these type of stories and make a collection to review when you feel down. Take the steps to get this done for yourself, your child, and your marriage. You can not let regret fill your life. It will erode your soul.

In some ways, you are luckier than most because you know what you want. Yes, the price is high, but you can do it. Education is a gift that you give yourself that you will have your entire life. Your kids will have a true example of "girl power" to guide them through life.

Kelly

Can I rent you out as my cheerleader? I've been wanting to write a novel for about 5 years, and can't ever seem to get around to making it happen. You're reminding me about the importance of going after your dreams...

[houseelf]

Can I rent you out as my cheerleader? I've been wanting to write a novel for about 5 years, and can't ever seem to get around to making it happen. You're reminding me about the importance of going after your dreams...

Did you ever hear the story about that unknown author J.K. Rowling? No seriously, I think that if you really, really, really want something, you have to find a way to make it happen. The problem is, for most of us, what do we feel that strongly about? :huh: That is where it becomes a murky endeavor.

Kelly

[houseelf]

Can I rent you out as my cheerleader? I've been wanting to write a novel for about 5 years, and can't ever seem to get around to making it happen. You're reminding me about the importance of going after your dreams...

Did you ever hear the story about that unknown author J.K. Rowling and the hardships she faced writing her first book? No seriously, I think that if you really, really, really want something, you have to find a way to make it happen. The problem for most of us is what do we feel that strongly about? :huh: That is where it becomes a murky endeavor.

Kelly

[madeintaiwan]

This conversation has really piqued my interest! Great thoughts everyone.

Julie, you MUST go to school. You must turn your strong emotions into passion to accomplishing this goal. Your entire family will suffer if you don't. Will it mean daycare for your kids? Absolutely. Is this the worst thing in the world. Hell no. Will it mean some serious sucky days where you have to choose "how sick" a child is so that you can go to school? Yes. At the end of the day, your kids will know if your commitment to them is real and that you loved them beyond all else. I know because my mom worked full time and she was still able to love me through all the rough spots of my life. She worked a crappy 40 hour a week job before women did this sort of thing and I can tell you that I'm no worse for the wear.

I'm not saying that this will be easy at all. In fact, there are going to be days that feel like hell. You need to arm yourself with stories of successful people overcoming hardships and keep your eye on the prize. Think of Will Smith's Pursuit of Happiness, Oprah, our own Davita, and the thousands of stories of single moms working their a** off and still raising successful happy kids. There is that story of the first generation immigrants who picked garbage to send all three kids to college. Find these type of stories and make a collection to review when you feel down. Take the steps to get this done for yourself, your child, and your marriage. You can not let regret fill your life. It will erode your soul.

In some ways, you are luckier than most because you know what you want. Yes, the price is high, but you can do it. Education is a gift that you give yourself that you will have your entire life. Your kids will have a true example of "girl power" to guide them through life.

Kelly

Kelly you are so sweet and I wholeheartedly agree with your post. There is no denying that those were tough times. When I did go back to school DH was getting ready to apply to medical school so I knew I had to get done pronto. I didn't have much school done, 70 units or so, due to some messing around, but mostly due to having to work full time in a city that was a 30 minute drive away without traffic while going to school too. I completed 120 units in a little under a year and a half. I went to every summer session and took 16+ units a quarter including my required 12 units of internship (which was a royal pain to do because the hours fluctuated). Quarters are 10 weeks and summer sessions are only 6 weeks so there were multiple tests and research papers (UC Davis is all about the research) every single week. I don't know if anyone has had the pleasure of learning on the quarter system, it came be brutal and is very unforgiving to those who slack off whether by choice or by life happening or for people who need a little extra help. I took some classes at a JC once and 20 week semesters is a picnic, the semester just dragged on and on. The classes are smaller, they take attendance, have weeks between tests and papers. Most of my classes at UCD had over 400 students in them and all of them had multiple tests and at least one research paper each. We had to pay nanny rates for care for Jasen (9-10$ and hour) whenever DH couldn't watch him. Thank god for financial aid even if it was loans. I got my best grades during that time-- all As and Bs. I think I was so focused, there was no room to "slack off." I always had to stay ahead of the game in case my kid was sick or my sitter cancelled.

I am truly totally and completely satisfied with myself as a person for getting my degree even though I knew I wasn't going to "use it." I took my last exam 3 days before getting on the plane to fly out to STL for medical school knowing that I was going to SAH with DS. Truly all of the credit should go to my mother. I have no doubt whatsoever that I would not be the person that I am today if it wasn't for her.

Yeah Davita, your mom must be so proud. She really set the bar for you, and she is much accomplished herself.

[houseelf]

I feel bad that I forgot to add Kristin and Heidi and Maybe Tabula Rasa (?)to this list of mommy scholars. In particular, Kris earned her masters' degree with three kids while her hubby did a grueling fellowship. I *believe* both Heidi and TR accomplished a bachelors with a baby, but I may be mistaken about this. Talk to them about their stories!

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

Nope no BS here.

I *believe* both Heidi and TR accomplished a bachelors with a baby

I assume you're talking about Vanquisher Heidi, so add me to the list-
BS with 2 babies and DH in med school.