Russian chlid "returned"

[Sheherezade]

I know that many of you have read about this because I've seen the posts on Facebook. Is there really anyone that thinks this was OK??? I'm totally shocked because I've entered in to a Facebook discussion with my cousin and several of her friends seem to think that this was acceptable. They are sympathetic to the mom dealing with a "psychotic" kid and felt that she could have - maybe - done this better by returning him herself and not making him fly alone. That, and the statement by the mother have sent me reeling. (The mother stated something along the line that she was desperate - but acted as though her mistake was procedural not that she shouldn't have "returned" the kid.)

Am I missing something??

I need to dig up an article with more details. As far as I know, one does not return adopted children. I'm not sure what you do, but ... not that. Thoughts?

[SuzySunshine]

Its of course hard to know what the truth is now that the woman has lawyered up. I'm sure Jen will have some insight into this since she's been through the system. IF, and thats a big if, this child really did have psychotic issues before he was adopted it should have been disclosed. However, I still don't think that excuses her actions. She should have gotten help, if she really was scared for her life or her family's there had to have been somewhere she could turn.

Either way its a very sad case, that poor child has now been abandoned twice.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

The woman has said she will not disclose any further information unless she is charged with a crime. And lawyers are saying it wasn't true "abandonment" because kids are allowed to fly alone at his age. THIS is what makes me hate the law sometimes, because it lets people make idiot excuses.

Also, there are ways to end an adoption if the placement is not working out that do not include shipping the child back unattended with no plan.

[peggyfromwastate]

Are kids allowed to travel alone internationally at this age? The restrictions on flying alone are pretty tight- I can't remember how old the boy is, but if he's under 16 chances are that the *allowed to fly alone* angle won't pan out for the lawyers.

[MarissaNicole]

The woman has said she will not disclose any further information unless she is charged with a crime. And lawyers are saying it wasn't true "abandonment" because kids are allowed to fly alone at his age. THIS is what makes me hate the law sometimes, because it lets people make idiot excuses.

Also, there are ways to end an adoption if the placement is not working out that do not include shipping the child back unattended with no plan.

Well to better explain (and play the devil's advocate) - it wouldn't necessarily be a crime if she sent him to fly alone AND if she had someone scheduled to pick him up and care for him when he arrived.

Is what she did stupid? - from what I know yes - but being stupid isn't a crime. Otherwise half the population would get their kids taken away! The purpose of the law is so that people don't get charged for crimes that they didn't know were crimes. You can't punish people for being dumb, but that principle also protects everyone from being charged with something they didn't know was a crime.

ETA: I have no idea what the rules are for kids flying internationally

[peggyfromwastate]

OK- Just looked it up, and he was 7. Definitely too young to legally fly alone. Hello. Even if you pay the *unaccompanied minor* fee (which I doubt she did), for a kid that young you need to have a direct flight, and there needs to be someone on the other end ready to pick him up (and the airline has to have the person's info who is picking up the child- as in address, phone number, relation to the child, etc.) That's for a DOMESTIC flight. I can't see it being more lenient for an international flight.

I can't see any scenario in which I sympathize with the adoptive mother. She doesn't deserve a pass on this. There are so many better ways she could have handled this situation.

[peggyfromwastate]

I guess my point about the unaccompanied minor thing is that it's a PITA to go through, you have to check the child at the gate and wait for the plane to take off before you can leave the airport, you have to give all the info upfront... And so no one would think twice about a 7 year old on an international flight? With a note taped to his back?



THis is beyond stupid parenting. This IS criminal in my mind.

ETA: I know you're playing Devil's Advocate, but she would have to have defrauded by filling out paperwork at the check-in in ticketing detailing WHO is picking up her child. She would have had to make that up, including their name, phone number, relation to the child, etc. It's not that easy to send your child unaccompanied, and I only did once for my daughter when she was 10 and going for a 90 minute flight to visit her great grandma-- I actually didn't get back to my house before she landed in Albany after all the paperwork I had to do. For a domestic flight.

Clearly this *mother* lied on paperwork.

[MarissaNicole]

Here is an article - no idea of the creditability of it though...

And just because its not "abandonment" doesn't mean it won't fall into another category of child abuse that isn't necessarily criminal. I don't know about other states, but in IL, there are the criminal courts (which can impose jail sentances) and then DCFS has its own administrative courts. So there are different ways parents or caretakers can be charged.

Any way you look at it, it is sad.

[scrub-jay]

I read that she had someone on the other end *hired* to pick up the child and deliver him to the Minisrtry of Education (I could be wrong on the destination). Do I find this appropriate? Not really. I don't think that I have enough information to make a judgement call on the returning of the child (legal, pyschological, behavioral issues...etc?) Some countries would rather have the child returned than put into the system of the adoptive family's country. Ethically, however, this *feels* to me to be abandonment. Was she trying to save herself the plane ticket? Personally, I've always seen adoption as an alternate (or supplemental) route to parenthood. Once you adopt - it is like giving birth - you are responsible for that child and he or she depends on you. There will always be exceptions to my simplified view - if an adoptive child is threatening/violent to other family members, etc, but just like being a birth parent - it should never be a "simple" decision to put a child up for adoption (or in this woman's case give back...). Putting that child back on the plane seems almost flippant - but I will wait and see how this unfolds. I hope the little boy is okay - this is heartbreaking to think of the effect on him.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I read that she had someone on the other end *hired* to pick up the child and deliver him to the Minisrtry of Education (I could be wrong on the destination). Do I find this appropriate? Not really. I don't think that I have enough information to make a judgement call on the returning of the child (legal, pyschological, behavioral issues...etc?) Some countries would rather have the child returned than put into the system of the adoptive family's country. Ethically, however, this *feels* to me to be abandonment. Was she trying to save herself the plane ticket? Personally, I've always seen adoption as an alternate (or supplemental) route to parenthood. Once you adopt - it is like giving birth - you are responsible for that child and he or she depends on you. There will always be exceptions to my simplified view - if an adoptive child is threatening/violent to other family members, etc, but just like being a birth parent - it should never be a "simple" decision to put a child up for adoption (or in this woman's case give back...). Putting that child back on the plane seems almost flippant - but I will wait and see how this unfolds. I hope the little boy is okay - this is heartbreaking to think of the effect on him.

I agree with you! You can't give away a child you gave birth to without SERIOUS interventions and support of social services. Just because he did not gestate in your body does not make this child different!

Clearly the mom handled the situation in a really horribly inappropriate way, but before rushing to condemn her, I think we need to know more. I started following several adoption blogs when some friends adopted, and some of the parents have written very candidly about post-adoption depression that sounds in a lot of ways like postpartum depression but is complicated by a host of other issues. I have to wonder if maybe something like that was going on here. I can't imagine after going through the grueling international adoption process she rationally thought this was the solution. It seems like an action that came from a very desperate place. I'm not defending what she did, which was clearly wrong, but I would think she needs a psych evaluation before we label her a total villain.

[MarissaNicole]

I cannot imagine being in a situation where I could not handle my own child. I cannot imagine how devastating that would be. It obviously happens because there are reasons they have safe harbor laws and such.

[L.Jane]

I once had a student who was adopted along with his baby sister. He was old enough when he was adopted to vaguely remember his mother not wanting him. His adoptive parents had only planned to adopt his sister but his birth mother asked if they would take him too. He was a very very angry child. They had to do a lot of counseling and work very hard with him. He was thiers and that was that.

I can't imagine the situation the woman was in, or what she did before "returning" him. I wonder how much help she got before making that decision. The kid was already disturbed, I can't imagine what this will do to him.

[Sheherezade]

According to the grandmother, they discussed seeing a counselor but the child was not seen by anyone. He was homeschooled with the intention of entering the district school in the fall. She was a single parent. More here : http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100410/...ia_adopted_boy

I am sympathetic that they had only had him in their home since September - but I would think that some effort would be made before this extreme measure. It is not clear yet if his adoption was finalized; he has not been issued a US birth certificate.

I'm still floored that anyone would think that you could "return" a kid -- but maybe there is something in the adoption contract.

[scrub-jay]

I'm still floored that anyone would think that you could "return" a kid -- but maybe there is something in the adoption contract.

Yes this. That might be what bothers me the most. The mentality that there is some sort of "buyer's remorse" clause. This is a human child who will remember this. Who knows what is written into the contract, but this rattles my core.