Is having a best friend bad?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/fa...17BFF.html?hpw

What do you think about this?

Synopsis for those without time: Article is basically about a new theory amongst administrators/camp counselors, etc. that having a "best friend" may be a bad idea because it excludes others, leads to cliques, and can increase the possibility for bullying.

I'm shocked that people would meddle so much in the lives of kids. Can we really prevent kids from having close friendships? But maybe because I don't have a kid who's ever been bullied (or a kid at all), I'm not understanding all sides.

[madeintaiwan]

Having a best friend and being a bully/jerk are too separate things. J has a best friend, but they also have other friends. They were in different classrooms this year and I would NEVER request that my child be in a class with a friend. In fact, I have never made a classroom request, I trust the teacher and principal to place my child in the appropriate class. Discouraging "best friends' smells to me of this whole trend of babying kids that has been going on for last ten years or so. Teacher and students are friends. Parents dictate to teachers [teach your own kids then]. Kids not being held accountable for their actions or lack of actions [they're just kids].

There are all kinds of relationships. Life is full of disappointments and rejections. I rather my child learn that at 5 and deal with it rather than go their whole life and fall apart at 30 when someone finally tells them no, I don't particularly care to be your friend. J has been picked on, on numerous occasions, often by the same child. There have been MANY tears. That's life. We don't all have to be friends. I do teach my kids that we do have to respect each other and that just because someone is unkind to us doesn't mean we get to lash back. Our actions, whether provoked are our responsibility and have consequences. Tell them, I'm sorry you feel that way and MOVE on, get another friend.

I think close friendships are extremely important. I don't think you should only have one friend in the whole wide world that you can depend on. As an adult I have all types of friendships [intimate, pals, acquaintances, friends who I've known for life and though we don't speak for years, it's just the same when we do, & friends due to circumstance]. All of these relationships add something to me and my life.

Cliques usually have more than two people in them. And kids who bully other kids are just mean. Bullies come in packs as well as in singletons. Prohibiting best friends won't stop bullying. Teaching kids about bullying, why we shouldn't bully, and holding bullies accountable is what will decrease bullying.

[L.Jane]

well said Madeintaiwan

[MrsK]

I agree with Davita. I haven't read the article but I have a story. When I was in the second grade, I started going to a day camp. Our groups were based on our grade in school so all the second graders were together, all the third graders, etc. I was the runt of my class -- younger and smaller than the other kids, immature, bookish, not at all athletic -- and I was bullied a lot at camp where we spent 6 or more hours every day engaged in sports. My only saving grace was a best friend. We were the same age but I was ahead a grade (which accounts for my runty-ness). When we were going to be put in seperate groups based on our class in school, we begged the camp director to let me stay with the younger grade so I could be with my friend. The camp director agreed since I was actually the same age as the lower grade and using the grade divisions was really arbitrary at summer camp. Of course, there was more bullying about being "held back" but I was willing to endure that since I got to change peer groups and be with my friend. I don't think this was a case of a child being coddled since (i) I had to speak up and campaign for myself, and (ii) I was willing to suffer the consequences of the accomidation. Camp would have been 10x more miserable if I couldn't be with my friend. Sometimes having a best friend protects those that are bullied more than it encourages those who bully.

[ladymoreta]

I agree - it just sounds like meddling unnecessarily in their lives, and I don't see how it would prevent bullying. Encouraging kids to form close relationships seems like a way to build their confidence, and confidence is a huge deterrent to bullying.

[Ladybug]

I think the key term is *exclusive* relationship. A relationship that is impacting a child(s)' ability to form other healthy, normal friendships. I don't get the impression that all intimate friendships are being completely prohibited (although I think this is the author's provocative hook and title -- hey, they have an article to sell). It's such a different world. Bullying happens on FB now, not the playground and adults are being held accountable. Adults are more involved in kid's lives, but emotionally immature kids are now using adult communications and tools. The picture with the article is tween girls with smart phones. I don't think we're talking about 1st graders who play hopscotch together each day at free play. Obviously, it's something that needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Every child's personailty, needs and social skills are different and the ability to form different types of friendhips varies with maturity and confidence. I always encourage my children to be inclusive and empathetic, although I would never ultimately *make* them interact with someone that makes them uncomfortable. There's a fine line between opening a conversation and thoughts about a situation and forcing a situation. That seems to be the line this article is examining. I think the teachers at our school do an excellent job of mixing the girls (work groups and play teams) so that lots of friendships can be formed. My experience of this "adult social engineering" has been very healthy and positive not negative. BFFs will always be BFFs but it's been good for them to share positive experiences (problem solving, achievement, laughing and goofing around) with a variety of people and personalities that might not have naturally come together without a little adult engineering. Sharing those experiences with people that you might not have naturally interacted with does give you a connection with others that makes them more whole and real, (harder to bully, stereotype or exclude). You have common experience now. I think that's good thing for someone that's having a hard time connecting with a variety of others and it does require a little adult perception and engineering. Of course forcing people that dislike each other together would be disasterous, but I don't get that impression from this article. That's a whole 'nother ball of sticky, icky wax.

[houseelf]

ITA with Ladybug. In particular,

I always encourage my children to be inclusive and empathetic, although I would never ultimately *make* them interact with someone that makes them uncomfortable.

Even in crunchy montessori school, my kid effectively "excluded" a child from play because that kid continually choose to be an obnoxious, jackass. Sometimes all this parental interference with the noble minded goal of preventing bullying and cliques direcetly circumvents the equally important goal of allowing the child to make good friendship choices and surround themselves with safe people. Non interference also provides the collateral benefit of teaching a child the natural consequence of being a jerk to his peers: recess gets mighty lonely when you namecall and attempt to dominate play.

[Pollyanna]

I completely agree with Davita, well said!! I don't care how much you socially engineer friendships, etc in elementary school once kids hit middle school they will naturally separate into cliques or groups of some sort.

[Ladybug]

I agree that cliques will naturally form. It's human behavior, but I also think the edges can be softened by having more common experiences with lots of different people. And that is *actually* real life. My DH has to work with people from all different ages, backgrounds, cultures and personalities. He can't hand pick his colleagues. He has to have lunch with various directors and administrators who he might have nothing else in common with. He didn't get to pick his office partner and he can't stand her, but he has to successfully deal with her personailty to keep the peace in the office. Real life is learning how to successfully interact with lots of people, even people you don't like or agree with. The more successful you are at this the better you will do in life. Real life is what schools should be preparing students for and why I agree that they should be mixing kids and cliques more and I've seen it done in a fun, comfortable way, not in a no-fun, authoritarian, you'll-never-see-your-BFF-again way (which I think this article exaggerates).

When I was teaching faith formation last year (middle schoolers) I had several friends couples that would always, always, always pair together for projects, sit together, etc. It was their friend, their comfort zone, and while I realize these relationships are all important at this age, they never experienced working with other students' ideas or skill sets. Of course at this age they don't see it they way, they just want to spend time with their BFF, but as an adult I saw them limiting their ideas, skill sets and strengths by excluding experiences with any other students. That's what I mean by social engineering. Some students are confident and easily expand their experiences and friendships, some students need LOTS of encouragement to talk to someone they see as different than themselves, to take the tiniest step out of their comfort zone. Mimicking real life. Placing them in both work and social situations they they might not have hand picked themselves and walking them through it.

Of course your friendships that you select outside of school or work are your own to develop and enjoy. They're critical to our sanity. You have to have people that you can fall back on that will "get you."

I've seen the playing down of I-can-only-have-one-friend-and-don't-you-even-look-at-her or we-can-only-have-one-type-of-friend very successfully addressed and expanded in fun, safe ways. It does require some adult intervention though...but so does reading and math and good table manners.

[ladymoreta]

I agree with that, Ladybug. When you put it in terms of class projects or group work, it makes more sense. I was thinking in terms of recess and hanging out after school. Some of my best memories of school assignments were ones where I was paired with people I didn't know as well.

[madeintaiwan]

I'm not referring to group work, sports, and projects. Obviously we need to work together in all sorts of situations. Being able to work in a group [whether you like the person or not] is very important. I did group work when I was in elementary school [and junior high, high school, and college], 20 years ago. Randomly or ability based grouping. This hasn't changed.

I'm talking about this notion of orchestrating friendships. Working together does not equate being friends. If friendships come out of working together, GREAT! But I don't think we should be taking steps to basically do away with "best friends/bosom buddies," which is what I got from the article. Maybe I read the article wrong.

There were rebuttal comments about the importance of close friendships but to me the article read that they were against best friends because of bullying, cliques, and the belief that children shouldn't depend on one person because it could be devastating if things go awry. They speak of pack socializing, "friendship coaches," group-oriented extracurricular activities. "If two children seem to be too focused on each other, the camp will make sure to put them on different sports teams, seat them at different ends of the dining table or, perhaps, have a counselor invite one of them to participate in an activity with another child whom they haven’t yet gotten to know." They have, "Friendship coaches to work with campers to help every child become friends with everyone else." Which I personally think is ridiculous. Encouraging kids to meet other people and try new things is one thing, but altering and orchestrating for them to be friends with EVERYONE else is ridiculous. I think that we can address bullying by talking about bullying and dealing with bullying. Making kids be friends with everyone is not going to prevent bullying. Like I said, we should always be tolerant, kind, accepting, and respectful, but FORCING friendships [which to me, is what the article is suggesting] crosses the line. Kids have very few choices, I think they should at least get to chose their friends.

[Pollyanna]

I completely agree Davita. Learning to get along in groups and work with different people is one thing, controlling friendships is entirely different. We have experienced this type of control when our oldest dd was in fourth grade. Her very best friend was an Asian girl from China. They loved being together and totally got each other. It was dd first best friend ever. There was another girl in the class also from China. She was a pain and had very few friends because she was a whiner, tattle-tale, and a liar to boot. She wanted to be friends with dd best friend. Fine. They tried to include her and did their very best to make her feel comfortable. It was never enough for this child. Enter the "well meaning" school. She went to the teachers, the counselor, the EAs, etc. DD, her best friend, and the other girls in that group were FORCED to play with this girl and if they did not want to play with her they were FORCED to go in the counselors office at lunch. So what was learned from this bit of friendship engineering? Absolutely nothing. The girl who no one liked continued to act like a brat and learned that lying and tears gets you a lot farther in life then improving her behavior. The rest of the girls ended up hating any free time they had at school.

[Sheherezade]

I think that social engineering on the part of a school or camp would be a bad idea. Almost always, the schools will mess this up. Besides, social life extends well beyond the doorway of the school. This is something that falls in the domain of the parent. Honestly, if you have so much social BS going on in the school hallways, maybe you need to increase the workload. Bullying should only be a consideration at lunch, locker rooms and recess (both of which disappear as the kids get older).

I do see parents around here avoid the BFF pattern. I don't fault the parents. I think when they are trying to limit their child's relationship with one person and broaden it to a larger group of kids they are just "hedging their bets". I've heard many sad stories about kids that were BFFs 3-6 grade and then have a falling out in MS - usually because one kid in the pair makes the cut for a clique and the other doesn't. I can see that is painful - but I'm not sure the BFF part is the reason for the pain as much as leaving your child nothing to fall back on when that relationship changes. We've seen a number of kids here move away - and the BFF left behind is devastated. I'm on the fence as to whether that experience is a "growth experience" or if "it is better to have loved and lost, blah, blah, blah". Still, I don't think the parents that try to avoid this by over managing their children are doing evil. *shrug* They are just making choices about what to teach their child about social relationships and community. Encouraging your child to know a number of people and not limit their social friendships in early elementary seems reasonable. I think these lessons extend beyond learning to work in groups to teaching your child about managing their social life and support network. Even as an adult, it isn't healthy to have a single friend - no matter how close you may be. What if they move away? So. I guess I can't get all fired up about this if it is done by a parent. Their kid - their choice.

That said, I don't think there is anything wrong FOR MY KID with having someone you consider your "best friend" as long as you have other friends as well.

[Pollyanna]

I agree that if a parent wants to manage friendships that is a-okay. I just have issue with schools/camps/etc. trying to engineer what they think is "best".

[Sheherezade]

Me too. They almost always get it wrong, too.