Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

[Ladybug]

And there are cultural nuances. After all words have no meaning, they're just sounds, until the are interpreted by the listener in the greater context of the situation and their previous experiences.

[oceanchild]

2. What's wrong with drama class or school plays?

Yeah, I thought that was curious too. Both my siblings are currently making (somewhat of) a living off their drama class training.

My parents really pushed the not quitting thing, and I do think it was useful, but it also proved to be a lesson I kind of had to unlearn. I made myself miserable as a college freshman trying to stick with things that I clearly was never going to enjoy. Getting up the courage to quit was so liberating!

I dunno. I was a pretty self-motivated kid. It always felt like I pushed myself more than my parents pushed me, but it's hard to know if that's an accurate evaluation. And though I starting playing piano at age four (and practiced a lot), I never played at Carnegie Hall.

[MissCrabette]

The topic is a little too charged for me, so I'll stay out of it, but I wanted to post this for some context:

There is no easy formula for parenting, no right approach (I don’t believe, by the way, that Chinese parenting is superior—a splashy headline, but I didn’t choose it). The best rule of thumb I can think of is that love, compassion and knowing your child have to come first, whatever culture you’re from.

http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/20...ds-to-readers/

[alison]

Is this article really a new revelation? To me, she's stating the obvious for many Asian families. If we are critical of the writer or if we see her as a positive influence in her children's
lives, we're seeing her through the lens of our own cultural upbringing.

Ok this post is about her, and how she came off, not about Chinese parenting. So two things bothered me. In the interview on the Today show she said her daughter made her birthday card, but the mom thought it was horrible, threw it back at her and told her to do better. This - I do not get. This doesn't make the kid "better" but states that a gift is conditional on how much the person will want it - and that this is appropriate. If her daughter did this to a friend at a birthday party I can't imagine the mother would be ok with that kind of behavior...

In the WSJ article, when she was asked what she did for her daughters as toddlers - she said she had a nanny talk to them in Mandarin Chinese, as she (the mom) spoke a different dialect and spoke poorly in a Mandarin dialet. I think this is stupid. Her daughters should learn the kind of Chinese their own mother speaks, or else what is the point. In the US it's not like the girls are going to be reinforced in many other ways in the Chinese language. To me this sounded elitist. She likes Mandarin cause it's more popular, or growing, or insert any reason, but SHE can't speak it herself well. To me that's like sending your kid to a Spanish speaking school and never speaking it at home. What is the point? How is it a functional skill for the kids?

But - in all to be a parent of high standards to me is a good thing. I just deliver my standards in a different personal flavor.

[PrincessFiona]

I don't know ... on the one hand, I think our touchy-feely, cater to my kid mentality that we have going on in America right now (ummm...also guilty) is extreme and is not beneficial. We are raising entitled children who don't have a strong work ethic. That being said, this woman's portrayal of the chinese way of parenting is extreme on the other end of the spectrum. In my opinion (which, by the way, is so colored by mommy brain that it might not even warrant reading), the chinese way does not encourage free thought and invention ... only hard work ... How many technical and other innovations come out of China? What would this mother do if she had a child who was dyslexic or struggled with another learning disability or mental health problem? In America, we might be too quick to label, but at least we are trying to recognize these children and help them. There has to be a middle ground.

Also, I believe that someone said that there isn't a wrong way to parent. I take issue with that a little bit. I think that some of the belittling that this woman did is abusive ... period. I have a friend from a different culture who will literally take her child's head and bang it against a wall when he starts to have a tantrum and acts like he is about to do it. That is how she was raised and in her culture it is more acceptable. I find it to be abusive. There are cultures where it is acceptable to circumcize little girls and to give them to your best friend when they are 13 to have your way with them ... it is culturally acceptable ... to me that is a crime against the child. I believe that forcing a child to practice 2-4 hours of violin a day and belittling and screaming at them until you lose your voice is unacceptable and is emotionally abusive regardless of the cultural context. Yes, it does accomplish the goal, but are the ends worth the means? No.

Kris

[poky]

I haven't read it, but I did read this commentary on it that I thought was interesting, by an anesthesiologist who is Chinese and a mother:

http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.c...lity-crab.html

To the question of how would a parent if this mentality deal with a child who is dyslexic or had another disability, I found it interesting that the auhor's youngest sibling actually has Down Syndrome, and is apparently the favorite member of the family. I think the focus is to make the most of your particular abilities, acknowledging that a parent will often have a better idea of what the kid really can do than the kid.

[spotty_dog]

A couple of thoughts.

First, her children were clearly successful with the musical skills she impressed upon him. But one might say that Naomi Aldort's kids were at least as successful, and with the opposite approach -- Aldort is utterly opposed to coercing children to do anything, and allowed her kids to come into their musical talent, and their motivation to practice, on their own terms.

Second, in the blog entry the author says,

I think it’s about helping your children be the best they can be—which is usually better than they think! It’s about believing in your child more than anyone else—even more than they believe in themselves.

I can totally get behind this. I want my children always to know that I believe in them, truly and deeply, far beyond blue ribbons for participation and $20 bills for A grades. But where the author seems to continue defending the choice to shame and punish the child who isn't achieving to the parents' high expectations, I saw another approach tonight. We watched the first half of the rugby movie Invictus (no spoilers please, we have to finish the other half some other time!) and the character of Mandela said something like, "Inspiration is how we evoke greatness from those who do not believe themselves capable of it." I'd rather inspire my kids to dig deep and surprise themselves with their own capabilities, than excoriate them into following only the narrow path I've set before them.

But, we'll just have to see if I'm up for the challenge, eh?

Hey, if it works for you, more power to you. . DD1 very best friend's parents were both born in China. Their daughter used to practice piano 2-4 hours per day, no sleepovers, had tutoring during the summer to get ahead in math, and started studying for the SATs in 7th grade. Her parents may have pushed but I will tell you that they are both the most kind and loving parents you have ever met. They have two younger sons that they push as well but differently than they push their daughter. They have moved several times but DD1 still stays in contact. We worry so much about moving around and how it will impact our children, they do not worry about this at all. It is simply not a consideration, moving is what is necessary and the children are expected to come along and succeed. And succeed they have. I have never heard those children complain about moving, or working hard. Certainly they grumble but they seem to be amazing and probably more well adjusted then my kids. So like I said at the beginning, if it works for you, great!

I have to say I thought this article was really interesting and does make me more interested in reading the book. I don't have kids...but I can see how I would lean towards the Eastern style of parenting. Not that one person's way is better than the other. Maybe because I was raised with a very interesting mix of parenting. My parents always disapproved of A- or B+, and it always pushed me to do better. Because of how they came from nothing, they wanted me to be accomplished and not have to work as hard as they have to have so little. Education was so important in my household, because my parents came from none. I believe they could have pushed me harder to be honest. They didn't, and I think that is because of that Western/70s style of my step-mother. I often think if they had put more expectations on me to succeed, how that would have impacted me. I know me, I would have rose to the challenge, I wanted to please my parents. On a different side, my SO's parents really pushed him and his brother. He has some issues about how controlling they were, but he will say to this day, how he has to credit his parents for always pushing him to accomplish more, and get him to where he is today. I'm sure there is a lot to be said about both parenting styles. I don't think I could be completely one way or the other, but I'm sure I'll probably be the strict parent, while SO is the "nice" parent.

[Pollyanna]

To the question of how would a parent if this mentality deal with a child who is dyslexic or had another disability, I found it interesting that the auhor's youngest sibling actually has Down Syndrome, and is apparently the favorite member of the family. I think the focus is to make the most of your particular abilities, acknowledging that a parent will often have a better idea of what the kid really can do than the kid.

Our elementary school has a large population of Asian children (because it is considered the best district). Two of our disabled students are Asian. One little girl has CP. Her mom used to push her in a stroller when she was far too big (like 6), when offered a wheelchair for her child the mom said, "absolutely not, she will learn to walk." Teachers rolled there eyes and patronized the mom with hurtful comments. Guess what, that little girl can now run!! Sure, she may not run like the other children but she runs! I tear up every time I see her mom running with her to school. The other child has severe scoliosis (had to have a rod placed in her back) and other disabilities. Her mom used to carry her into school, makes sure she still participates in band and every activity she can manage. Both these moms have said that they will help their children be the best they can be and they both think that their children are far more capable than society will give then credit for. Of course, I think lots of parents would be this way, westernized or not.

Our elementary school has a large population of Asian children (because it is considered the best district). Two of our disabled students are Asian. One little girl has CP. Her mom used to push her in a stroller when she was far too big (like 6), when offered a wheelchair for her child the mom said, "absolutely not, she will learn to walk." Teachers rolled there eyes and patronized the mom with hurtful comments. Guess what, that little girl can now run!! Sure, she may not run like the other children but she runs! I tear up every time I see her mom running with her to school. The other child has severe scoliosis (had to have a rod placed in her back) and other disabilities. Her mom used to carry her into school, makes sure she still participates in band and every activity she can manage. Both these moms have said that they will help their children be the best they can be and they both think that their children are far more capable than society will give then credit for. Of course, I think lots of parents would be this way, westernized or not.

This made me think about Anne Sullivan's influence on Helen Keller.

[SoonerTexan]

DH and I talked about this last night--apparently she was on NPR. I also read the other article someone posted and she really has been taken out of context--I feel sorry for her in that regard.

Still, I don't understand how to reconcile this:

The best rule of thumb I can think of is that love, compassion and knowing your child have to come first, whatever culture you’re from

with some of what she chose to do.

If you tell your child you love them unconditionally, but then react in a way that shows you are definitely not okay with what your child is doing when they do not deliver perfection (i.e. Calling them garbage when they get an A-) can they real ever believe you when say you love them no matter what? It seems like an "actions speak louder than words" type situation to me. I can see firmly demanding that your children perform their best, but she did seem to expect perfection in some areas. What happens when they don't succeed?

I was one of those kids that always brought home straight As, got high 90s on tests, etc. I remember in 7th my mom telling me," you are doing a wonderful job, but they world wont end if you get a lower grade every once in awhile." I got my first B EVER my first semester of college. I was devastated--it was really ridiculous. Then I moved on, and I can tell you, my mom's attitude really stuck. She has had the same attitude with all my siblings, pushing them when they need it, but letting us know that perfection isn't always possible and we needed to find positive ways to deal with "failures"

I spent two miserable summers as a nanny for a (non-Asian) woman who had a similar (but far less strict) parenting mentality for her two children. The kids and I were always on edge, never knowing what lapse in perfection would set her off. I had to document what we did hour-by-hour and she would get really upset if we didn't have time to do their summer workbook, or even missed an "educational fun activity." The kids acted out often and rebelled at her control in any way they could. I know she loved them very much, but it just made for a stressful experience for me and the kids. I'd actually be very interested to hear how Amy Chua dealt with nannies, etc.--she mentioned they had babysitters and she had to have some help. You don't become a Yale Law Professor as a stay-at-home mom.

I actually do want to read the book now--it seems there is much more to it than what the article implied. I do agree with some of what she said and it is a wonderful thing to have a well-developed musical (or other) talent that you can enjoy--I wish I had that myself and will probably push my children (though not in the way she did) to develop something they will enjoy later in life.

It also made for a very good discussion between DH and I on how we expected to raise our future children--we're pretty much on the same page, luckily!

[DCJenn]

Parent however you can; chances are the kid(s) will still make it to adulthood relatively unscathed. I think it's a fascinating look at how this one mother parents her kids. I'm glad I'm not her and I'm really glad I'm not her daughter. That said, I don't have the time to make my kid practice piano for two hours every day and TBH, I don't know what he would do for that long. He practices 30 minutes a day. I'm sure that will increase as he gets older and the music gets more complicated. He's six and he's been playing for a year.

We don't have sleepovers because none of the (male) kids from his class live in the neighborhood. I'm not driving to the 'burbs unless I have to. All of the kids in the neighborhood are together all the time anyway because there are ample kid functions and kid friendly places to go.

I don't get hung up on grades right now, either. Again, his long term future is dependent on WHAT he learns in first grade, not how well he does on really lame tests. (they are- and the homework is beyond stupid and useless. He knows it and I tell him that it's too bad, he's got to do it, even if it seems stupid and boring.

I can't just anyone else though- I may disagree with them but I have enough to get freaked out about- comparing parenting behavior isn't one of them.

Jenn

[peggyfromwastate]

I am coming around to a point of view where I feel that I need to push my kids more and have higher expectations. That being said, getting good grades was easy for me. Plus I was naturally competetive, so internally I pushed myself to be the best. My parents did not have to push me. But my mom COULD have pushed me a little with music, which I did not want to do.

Now, I have started enforcing practicing instruments to my 4th graders- which I didn't really do with DD1 when she was in 4th grade. She gave up the clarinet as soon as she could.

I am also pushing the swimming on all of them more than I had with the other kids. DS (9) has some natural gift in that. He complains about swimming, but I take him there anyway. I tell him it's not like he'd be playing the DS if he weren't swimming. I take the other kids too, and expect them to try their hardest. I don't let DD1 (15) skip a practice, even though she has 2 back to back. They all complain at times, but I am taking the initiative to "make" them go to practice and praise them when they do a good job at practice. A year ago I think I would have been very concerned that they don't "enjoy" their activities... But these are sports- practices make you faster and better. The reward is when you get a faster time in a swim meet. When you get toned muscles. When you feel endorphins. Not sitting on your arse being lazy at home...

Now grades. Yikes. We have struggled A LOT. I am starting to really push the younger kids on their grades and skills. I get a note from a teacher that DD2 (9) doesn't know her math facts well enough? Fine, she's doing flash cards 15 minutes a night, every night, period. I am rolling my eyes less, and pushing them more, and expecting good grades at 4th grade. I am not punishing anyone for getting a C on an exam... Yet.

Grades for the teen are really bad this semester. It's a wake up call. She is going into finals week with 5 C's. How the hell did this happen? She will not be texting on a school night, at all. She will get her phone at school so that I can communicate with her. She will study every day. She will keep up, or she won't go out.

All in all, I'm becoming more strict and more uptight about the little things, and it's exhausting. I'm tired. I'm sick of following everyone's homework. But for some kids, they won't do this all internally, like I did. They need a parent standing over them to keep them on track. I spend about 1 hour a day with DS (6) on his homework every night. It's exhausting. He hates readiing, but I am making him read. He is starting to excel in school, finally. He needs speech therapy and he can not differentiate between a "r" and a "w" and a "l", but at least I'm aware of the problem and able to work with him on it. He's starting to gain confidence, slowly...

I dread when DD15 comes home from school and I have to take away the phone and deal with all that eye-rolling and drama. It's just TOO much distraction for her to handle. It's not like when she goes to college it will be easier, lol. It is emotionally draining and exhausting to have to follow her homework. She will never be a straight A student. She genuinely struggles with Math. She really does- it is very hard for her to pull a C out of it. But I expect a B at least...

Anyway, it's a constant struggle, and I just don't know ultimately.

I think the author is brave, though. And I think that we really need to take another look at how child-led parenting has become. I am saying "Because I said so" so much more often these days... They dont' need an explanation!