Debate: Article on resenting your children

[WolfpackWife]

I think the gal was shockingly honest. What I find most fascinating at the peek inside her head is the rampant cognitive dissonance.

I actually don't take any issue with her resentments, per se, but her blame placement is off. I don't think she resents the kids. I think she resents the choices that she made with other people's happiness in mind when those choices were in direct conflict with her own happiness.

I'm not a mom, but this is how I read it. I feel as though I read it with emotions removed because I don't have or want kids. However, I'm not someone who has completely ruled out the possibility of having kids, but neither DH nor I have any desire. I'm open to the fact that we might feel differently down the road.

I also felt she was narrating her life as a mom that she didn't want to be, but went through the motions to make her husband happy or do what society/nature/whatever deemed she should do as a woman. I don't, however, understand why on earth she felt compelled to have a second child. But, I'm not in the "people who have only children are selfish/bad parents/their kids will be awful" camp (but my MIL is--just ask her!!)

That said: the thing that I found most fascinating was the fact that she said that her husband and children would watch "the golfs" on TV. THE GOLFS.

[bobk]

That said: the thing that I found most fascinating was the fact that she said that her husband and children would watch "the golfs" on TV. THE GOLFS.

What are your referring to, the fact that they watch it or the terminology? It's a UK based newspaper. I've never heard that expression but it could be common there.

[WolfpackWife]

What are your referring to, the fact that they watch it or the terminology? It's a UK based newspaper. I've never heard that expression but it could be common there.

Oh no, it's totally the terminology. And I know the daily mail is a UK publication--I just thought it was hilarious. I love those little british-isms. When I studied abroad in London I really loved hearing their colloquialisms--I often find them to sound so much less "slangy" than things we say here. I saw a picture (I think it circulates on the internet from time to time) of a coastal town's local paper where the headline read "Cheeky Seagull Nabs Crisps"...that just really gets me. So yeah, the idea of hearing someone say they were watching "the golfs" made me laugh

[diggitydot]

It still always amazes me that anyone actually watches golf without heavy medication or as an insomnia cure...

[MrsK]

I'm going to make a confession. I always assume that regardless of how another mother's parenting decisions differ from mine, that she loves her children every bit as much as I love my children. And I have to remind myself of this from time to time because it is staggering to consider that there are millions of people on this planet that could possibly love their children with the same irrational devotion I feel to mine. It's impossible that we share this level of insanity or that they believe their children are as miraculous as I am certaine my children are. I believe that even sick women who murder their children, loved their children more than they love themselves ... Then I read something like this or the scary mommy confessions or realize that the adorable toddler waiving at me through the car window is riding unsecured in the front seat of a moving vehicle, and it shakes my confidence in my most basic belief about motherhood.

[bobk]

Oh no, it's totally the terminology. And I know the daily mail is a UK publication--I just thought it was hilarious.

Gotcha! Shortly after posting, I remembered that people there refer to mathematics as "maths" which is a similar form. I've always been fascinated by variations in expressions, pronunciations and spellings, and how they change over time and distance. Bill Bryson wrote a neat book about this a few years back.

[bobk]

It still always amazes me that anyone actually watches golf without heavy medication or as an insomnia cure...

I know what you mean. I've tried a number of times to get into watching golf, but just can't. However, I do love watching baseball, which many people cannot stand because of a similar slow pacing.

[moonlight]

I'm going to make a confession. I always assume that regardless of how another mother's parenting decisions differ from mine, that she loves her children every bit as much as I love my children. And I have to remind myself of this from time to time because it is staggering to consider that there are millions of people on this planet that could possibly love their children with the same irrational devotion I feel to mine. It's impossible that we share this level of insanity or that they believe their children are as miraculous as I am certaine my children are. I believe that even sick women who murder their children, loved their children more than they love themselves ... Then I read something like this or the scary mommy confessions or realize that the adorable toddler waiving at me through the car window is riding unsecured in the front seat of a moving vehicle, and it shakes my confidence in my most basic belief about motherhood.

I couldn't have said it any better. Once again we are totally on the same page.

Maybe it's because I sort of grew up in a bubble of love maybe its because I love my sweet girl more than anything. Regardless, I'm always shocked when other parents feel differently. I forget not everyone is as lucky to have a supportive family and a really loving and stable father for my child. Life isn't perfect for me. Far from it. But I do sometimes forget its not like 'this' for every parent.

I also love what Tara said about being a parent has made you a better worker. That's been the case for myself. I'm not working in my real career right now, but I'm having really good successes now that I'm a parent. For one thing I'm much quicker at Everything!

[MrsK]

See, having worked for the Dept of Children & Families, I believe that even parents who fail to provide supportive, stable, "loving" homes for their children passionately love their children. They may lack resourses, insight, or even have any idea of what love looks like, but they love their children. The only time I ever felt otherwise was in a case where parents abandoned their toddlers in the Everglades. The idea that they could drop terrified, helpless babies in a swamp and walk away without any thought to all of the elements that would devour their children still haunts me. Those people were not human. Actually, I don't think they were even mammels.

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[Pollyanna]

See, having worked for the Dept of Children & Families, I believe that even parents who fail to provide supportive, stable, "loving" homes for their children passionately love their children. They may lack resourses, insight, or even have any idea of what love looks like, but they love their children.
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Wow, you give people WAY more credit than I ever could. Not for a second do I believe everyone loves their children. I think far too many people love themselves, their children are an afterthought.

[niener]

To me, this parallels the introvert/extrovert discussion. Introverts know and understand extroverts because they don't have a choice, because they're in their faces every. single. day. Extroverts have to struggle to even comprehend that anyone could be an introvert, and never really "get" it. Same thing with people who don't want kids vs those who do. People who've always wanted kids just DO NOT GET why anyone would not, but those who don't are absolutely bombarded with the majority opinion that not wanting kids makes you a bad/selfish/unnatural person. I also get the feeling from the article that a large part of her antipathy toward having kids was rooted in an analytical rational introversion. Her mistake, to me, was in falling in love with someone who wanted so badly to be a dad. There IS no compromise in that situation. You either break up, or SOMEONE will be resentful. To me, they made the best they could of the situation they were in. She volunteered to be the one with the majority of the resentment, and did the absolute best she could by her kids despite the resentment. It was a rational, analytical selfless choice.

This is the first thing that struck me as well, perhaps because I'm also an introvert so I can relate to her lamenting the loss of "me" time. I'm not yet a mother and I'm already dreading that aspect of motherhood, but there are so many other things I'm looking forward to that I expect in the end to be able to say it was worth it. This woman is different though, she went into it not expecting to get anything out of it. She decided that being with her husband and his happiness was more important than her feeling of independence. That was her mistake, I agree with you, so her resentment towards her children is misplaced; really she resents not choosing her independence over everything else.

I actually don't take any issue with her resentments, per se, but her blame placement is off. I don't think she resents the kids. I think she resents the choices that she made with other people's happiness in mind when those choices were in direct conflict with her own happiness.

Yep, that's what I meant .

Sit at any sporting event, waiting room, school pick up line and just listen with the ears of a child. What do you hear, what do you see? Rolling eyes, sighs, complaints, parents clammoring for booze to get through the day, and on and on. If you think for a second that children don't feel that and recognize it then you're kidding yourself. Kids know how we view as role as parents whether we tell them or not. This reality is a daily reminder we as parents must realize and embrace.

Agreed. At one point or another, every kid you know has been given the message that they're a burden. These kids were well provided for, they had a doting father and a mother who loved them, I don't think the fact that they had an emotionally disconnected parent means they had a "bad" childhood. It was probably pretty normal for our standards really. This article was no sort of revelation to her children, they already knew exactly how she felt.

This lady doesn't seem that far out of whack to me, she's just got some misplaced feelings of resentment. I will say though the part of the story when her son was born with the cord around his neck and she "didn't really think about (him) at all" is beyond my level of comprehension. Even the most basic empathy for humanity would make you concerned about a baby in distress. I wonder how much of that was portrayed to, as you guys said, get people talking/get more clicks.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

This lady doesn't seem that far out of whack to me, she's just got some misplaced feelings of resentment. I will say though the part of the story when her son was born with the cord around his neck and she "didn't really think about (him) at all" is beyond my level of comprehension. Even the most basic empathy for humanity would make you concerned about a baby in distress. I wonder how much of that was portrayed to, as you guys said, get people talking/get more clicks.

This to me screamed post-partum depression. Even if she didn't have the classic presentation of an ongoing depressive state for weeks afterward, the stunned, non-reaction to a baby in distress for HOURS (she said he was gone the whole day) and lacking even the awareness that this might be "odd" or "socially unacceptable" signals to me that she was (at least momentarily) not ok.

[GrayMatterWife]

Wow, you give people WAY more credit than I ever could. Not for a second do I believe everyone loves their children.

That was my thought, too. I find Mrs.K's optimism very encouraging. I worked for the Domestic And Family Violence division of the DA's office throughout law school--I wish I could feel that way...or even remember ever feeling that way.