Last Names, Marriage, & Kids

[SoonerTexan]

I saw today that a blogger I used to follow did an interesting thing with her kids last names. When she was married a few years ago, she kept her very American sounding maiden name. Her husband had a complicated eastern European name and she felt it would cause complications. I cant remember if there was an element of feminism in it or not then--there may have been, I just don't remember. If there was, it wasn't overt.

When kid #1 arrived (boy), he was given her husbands last name.

When kid #2 recently arrived (girl), she was given her moms maiden name.

While I personally like the symbolic unity of sharing a last name, keeping a maiden name, hyphenating, or giving kids a hyphenated last name has never blown my mind. For some reason this does--I guess because it divides up the siblings. It feels very "mine/yours" "us/them" for whatever reason. The reason she gave was feminism and going against patriarchy.

Have you ever heard of this before? What do you think?

[diggitydot]

That's how Finns do last names and that's actually how our family last names go.

[v-girl]

Weird. There's a family at our dance studio who hyphenated the kids' last name. Mom kept her maiden name. DH has a cousin who he and his wife took the hyphenated route. Joe Smith-Jones. I found that odd too. I'm old-fashioned.

[v-girl]

I don't know many women who didn't change their last names. I guess we're pretty bland. My sis even kept her married name when she divorced. Mom didn't change back to her maiden until after we were all married and had kids.

[alison]

My mom kept her maiden name, and I have my mom's maiden name for my last name! Dd has dh's last name, and I would consider giving a second kid my last name. I like my name just as much as dh likes his, and I should have equal "dibs" on my uncommon name getting passed on. Wouldn't phase me at all if we did this with our kids.

[niener]

That doesn't phase me so much only because like DD said I think it's standard practice in some other countries.

So this was odd to me -- A former co-worker of mine gave her daughter a last name that wasn't hers or her husbands (she didn't take his name when they got married). They chose a family name, just not either of theirs (I think it was the grandmother's maiden name or something). The parents intended to both change their last name to the name they'd give the daughter, but they ended up separating and eventually divorcing before the dad officially changed his name so now mother and daughter have the same last name and dad has a different last name. That was one of the most child-centric approaches I'd ever heard of.

[SoonerTexan]

So this was odd to me -- A former co-worker of mine gave her daughter a last name that wasn't hers or her husbands (she didn't take his name when they got married).

Haha, yes this wins.

[Cinderella]

My mind was blown during college when a friend of mine married her German sweetheart and after their marriage the husband hyphenated his last name and put her's first. I'd never heard of a husband changing his last name after marriage before much less putting the wife's last name first in the hyphenated part.

I think I explained about the genealogy and how last names are done in Islam on here before. They keep their father's first name as their last name and then the grand father of their father and the great grand father and so forth. So if Ahmed Dad's name is Mohammed, and Mohammed's Dad's name is Mahmoud, and Mahmoud's Dad's name is Saied, and Saied's Dad's name is Tariq, and Tariq's Dad's name is Hussain. Then his name would be Ahmed Mohammed Mahmoud Saied Tariq Hussain and so forth in the lineage.

When a couple marries the wife also doesn't change her last name but keeps her father's first name, and his father's first name, and his father's father's first name in the same order, and so forth.

When the married couple have children the children takes the father's first name. So when we have kids according to Islam their last name will be my husband's first name which is neither of our last names. Then his father's first name. This his father's father's first name and so forth. This can go back for as long as they can recall names. That's why they have like 6 last names sometimes that all sound like first names.

It makes it complicated for immigration purposes. On his birth certificate and passport he has six names and on his national ID he has three names. At the airport they call him by his last name in the sixth names. So if Ahmed Mohammed Mahmoud Saied Tariq Hussain is at the airport they'd address him as Mr. Hussain. Anywhere else if Ahmed Mohammed Mahmoud Saied Tariq Hussain shows his national ID card they'd call him Mr. Mahmoud. At the medical school and hospital they call each other by their first names so if Ahmed Mohammed Mahmoud Saied Tariq Hussain was being paged overhead for a patient he'd be addressed as Dr. Ahmed. For immigration we went by the 6th name which is like his great-great-great-great grandpa's first name. lol He thinks it's weird I took that as my last name but I explained taking your husband's last name is just what married women traditionally do in the West.

Also our last name has two different spellings because not all of their Arabic letters have exact matches in English so sometimes it can get really confusing in the transliteration. That why for example the place we married in Cairo can be seen spelled several different ways such as Al Noor Mosque, Al Nour Mosque, Al Nur Mosque, El Noor Mosque, El Nour Mosque, El Nur Mosque.

I'm concerned about the "potential kids we may have" having different last names than us because of the standard system we have in the West. But at least the first of their last names will be his first name and then match up with the rest of his other names. My last name however will be their seventh last name which isn't typically included on all the paperwork. Unless if/when he naturalizes he takes my last name as his last name which might be easier because for all intensive purposes such as registration with the ECFMG and immigration paperwork it is his last name too. He might name the kids that last name as well like we do in the West and then we'd all match up.

I guess we'll see.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I took my DH's last name as my last name. I wanted to have the same last name as my children/husband and this was the way we chose to do it though there are other ways, obviously.

I guess it seems foreign to me that siblings wouldn't share a last name. Having a family name/the same name as my brother growing up was really nice. When people met us who didn't know the other one, we were related (we have an uncommon last name). I really liked that though I realize it isn't always the norm.

I do wonder though about the boys getting dad's name and the girls getting mom's name. Is that just how it worked out? Why didn't they get the mom's name first, etc?

[Michele]

Hmmm. I have the same last name as my kids and my ex husband. We are both Dr N. If I remarry, I have NO idea what I'm going to do. I probably won't change my name, but go by Dr N, Mrs N (bc of being the kids mom) and Mrs NewHusbands LastName depending on the social situation. Weird!!!!

[MsSassyBaskets]

I've heard of that approach before, and honestly nothing really phases me. I kept my own last name. I debated it for a while, and it really came down to "why bother?" Don't get me wrong - I'm a staunch feminist - but given the choice between keeping my dad's name, taking my husband's name, or choosing something altogether different, the simplest and most logical thing was to keep the name I was born with. I have a degree and a career history in that name. And why stand in line at the DMV again? Ugh.

Future kids will definitely have DH's last name, since that's the family I'd prefer for them to identify with. No hyphenating, since it's already long enough. I'm all about keeping it simple.

[Thirteen]

I took DH's last name, and DS shares it too.
I like getting the "You don't look like a -----" responses.


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[ladymoreta]

We also did the traditional American thing. My sister has an interesting dilemma. Her first name is the same as her boyfriend's ex-wife, who has terrible credit. She's concerned that if she takes his last name if/when they marry, her good credit will get mixed up with the ex's, so she's not sure she'll change her name.

[corn poffi]

If R and I would ever get married, I'd hyphenate. My name would sound dumb with his last name. Especially since when my first name + his last name comes realllly close to a nickname I had in middle school. Which is beyond crazy.

Although it would be nice to move up in the alphabet...

[medpedspouse]

I took DH's last name only because I am not close to my father or his family. For a while, DH considered changing his last name to his grandmother's last name (he is also not very close to his dad). We were both very close to his grandmother and the name was going to die with her...since her only daughter (DH's mom) took on DH's step-dad's name. He ended up not doing so because he did not want to deal with the name change issues while in med school.

My next door neighbors all have the wife's maiden name. The husband took on her name because the wife has all sisters and the family name would also die otherwise. So, their kids have her maiden name.