With Matching in Mind...

[OrionGrad]

I might be old school about this, but if he hasn't proposed (and she doesn't know for sure that he's going to) I don't think she should have to take a program off the list entirely. Take his opinion into consideration? Sure. But until he's put a ring on it and signaled that he's actually going to be there for the long haul, I think she should do what's best for her.

[scrub-jay]

My first thought was: is he in this or not? Is he holding off on proposing based on where she is moving for her career? Medicine isn't always kind and I'd hate for it to be a deal breaker come fellowship, job, or even subsequent job. Either he's in it for her or he isn't. If he's in it, then his opinion can be considered. Just my 2 cents.

I had say in the ranking. DH gave me "veto power" if I wanted it. That being said, DH is in a competitive specialty and I bumped nothing off the list. One of them in particular I asked be moved down, but I was also representing our children's needs too. If he matched at a less-than-ideal place, we were still going as a team. This is our journey, for better or worse. However, we got lucky and got a location that I was very happy with.

[WolfpackWife]

My point is he needs to tell her that he's ready to propose and then they need to decide what to do but if he's not ready to tell her he's ready to propose or to just do it already then its her choice, not his.

I think that's what I was trying to say as well. It seems fishy that he's had a ring for over a year and it does seem as though he's hanging onto it to either withhold or reward her if she chooses to forego NYC.

I definitely agree that both parties should be considered. I just get the sense that there's such a palpable lack of flexibility on his end that seems...stifling.

[Pollyanna]

I don't think we have enough of the story to really say but seriously if the guy has spent a year speculating about marriage or not during the, "i can't imagine life without you " stage then I'm not sure they are a good match. Or maybe he is waiting until match day to propose and to say, "I will follow you anywhere, will you marry me". I hope that's his plan

[Sheherezade]

I'm with auspicious. If he was a member here, I think we'd be pissed if his partner didn't consider his opinion at all.


Angie

[WolfpackWife]

I'm with auspicious. If he was a member here, I think we'd be pissed if his partner didn't consider his opinion at all.


Angie

Very true! Good point.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I might be old school about this, but if he hasn't proposed (and she doesn't know for sure that he's going to) I don't think she should have to take a program off the list entirely. Take his opinion into consideration? Sure. But until he's put a ring on it and signaled that he's actually going to be there for the long haul, I think she should do what's best for her.

exactly what I was thinking. Except that he doesn't get much of a vote until proves he's in it for the long haul.

Sounds like she wants to move to NYC. And a major warning sign that he's had a ring for that long. "For better or worse, unless you don't do what I want you to..."

[Meenah]

I think what skewed my answer is based on what little info we have, it seems that he isn't ready to commit to her so I would hate to see her lose out on something based on a "maybe".

[Deebs]

I guess my thinking was that they had an adult discussion before she applied to a program in NYC, and then he changed his mind. A lot if assumptions, but why would she apply and interview in a city he won't move to if they're practically engaged?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[peggyfromwastate]

Well she has to rank the programs she interviewed at most likely. Is she looking at subspecializing? That would impact what kind of a residency she needs.

That being said, her bf probably is astute enough to know that she will be busier in residency than med school. Way way busier. If he's in a city he truly despises, that's valid. He's not going to se her for more than 10 hours a week awake anyway. That's all he should count on...

[MAPPLEBUM]

Well she has to rank the programs she interviewed at most likely. Is she looking at subspecializing? That would impact what kind of a residency she needs.

That being said, her bf probably is astute enough to know that she will be busier in residency than med school. Way way busier. If he's in a city he truly despises, that's valid. He's not going to se her for more than 10 hours a week awake anyway. That's all he should count on...

I'll admit it, I may have once upon a time told DH (PGY4-BF at the time) as I was dropping him off at the airport that I'd break up with him if he matched at program X. But we were already living with each other and the only thing I didn't know about the engagement ring was where he would hide it.

So yes, it definitely depends on the relationship. I'll give it that. But if program X had been his dream/favorite/best program I would have sucked up my pride and said "I'll follow you wherever is best."

[SuzySunshine]

I vetoed programs for residency and fellowship BUT we were married. He was already stuck with me.

[Urowife]

Our situation was different because we had just started dating about 4 months before he started applying for residency interviews. But I was not really part of the process. He chose the programs to apply to, and in the end he ranked every program he interviewed at (except maybe one?). Though we were serious about each other, it was not even clear if I would move with him or not. Had we been dating for 3 years, I probably would have wanted to be more involved in the process.

I guess it depends on their level of commitment. Some people date for years, but it's just dating. Others date for 6 months and are ready to get married. Others date forever, don't get married, but have the same level of commitment as a marriage. Only this couple can say what their commitment is. A relationship is full of compromises and if they want to be together, one person will have to compromise on this one. I don't think any of us can really say which way is right! We can only speculate based on the limited information we have.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

DHs class had a broken engagement over this exact thing. They were engaged and had talked about Matching in one location with a couple programs. The med student (the theoretical bride) Hated all the programs in that location and wanted to rank programs higher that she preferred but were not in the location they had discussed. BF/Fiancé gave her an ultimatum on the day ROL were due. She ranked on her preference after tearful conversation with her family and he dumped her within the week.

She's currently doing awesome and she matched at her #1. I know she's sad to have lost her BF of 6 years but felt like it really didn't bode well for him to stake their marriage on the Match.

[diggitydot]

With Matching in Mind...

Not in a committed (living together/engaged/married/etc.) relationship, but a long-term one? Definitely part of the convo, but not necessarily the determining factor. In a committed relationship? Definitely have a say and a part in making the decisions.

Dude's had a ring for a year and hasn't pulled that trigger? There's something else going on. Maybe the match is just a last straw?