Wife Bonuses

[MrsK]

I Gave Up A Six-Figure Salary For My Husband, How Is That A 'Bonus'? - http://huff.to/1KDPc

Has anyone been following the articles about "wife bonuses". Apparently, this is fertile ground for mommy wars. I'd never heard of it before the press made it into a debate. Any thoughts here?

[SoonerTexan]

I didn't realize this was a thing. It sounds like it is just a provocative way of saying that some men "give" their wives a portion of a bonus to have fun with, but since when is that a big deal?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I have. It's ridiculous. All money is household money, no one is getting a bonus!

In fact, the NYTimes wrote that they actually couldn't find anyone who was getting them for their article. The whole thing is based off a new book that one of their writers wrote call "Primates of Park Avenue". She pretends to be an anthropologist but really it's just a book about her experience on the Upper West Side

[Sheherezade]

I read the same as T&S. Urban myth that has caught fire because it's controversial. The original author should correct the story, honestly.


Angie

[Thirteen]

All money is our money.


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[scrub-jay]

All money is our money.


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This completely. There is no "giving money" between parties because all money belongs to the household.

[admin]

The article didn't show up for me.

Ummm. Thomas always gives me a very small part of the bonus as *my bonus* even though we really share everything. He also gives himself a piece. The rest gets put away.

Kris


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[JDAZ11]

I couldn't open it either, but DH was telling me about this a few weeks ago.

His whole bonus is mine ☺️.


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[rainbabies]

All the money is miiiiiiine!!! All the debt is his.

[ladymoreta]

Also can't open the link, but I've read a few of the articles. I think the controversy is because the author says their bonuses are tied to the wives' performance, such as their kids' grades and private school admissions and their personal appearance. She says these wives aren't just getting a portion of their husbands' bonuses, but they are being evaluated in order to receive their money.

I'm also skeptical about how often this happens. I don't doubt that the author found an example or two, but it's most likely not the norm.

[v-girl]

It is all our money. Without me staying home, he would spend a fortune for a nanny for the boy.


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[Ladybug]

I think it's all about validation, and we speak different love languages. I've never been told no, not once, not ever, but I don't have a set "amount" to spend on myself and then it dries up. I think it's harder for women of our generation that have experienced careers that seek validations their efforts, their sacrifices, their endless nights and preschool deadlines. Motherhood, wifehood...I hate those terms...Partnerhood is better...we all seek validation that it matters. Validating feedback is dependent upon our life experiences. If you're a primate of the upper east side then it makes sense to shop without limits. It's establishes your social standing, your perceived value, in that social circle. Honestly, I feel sad that she only got 20%, but maybe that's 50% of of the free cash flow after bills, etc. I hope so...

[OrionGrad]

Wife Bonuses

Just to clarify, the author of the book doesn't work for the New York Times. She's a "hobby anthropologist," and she wrote an op-ed in the paper to promote her book (which lots of authors do).
This reminds me of the controversy surrounding the whole Tiger Mom thing a few years back, which is another example of an author that did a great job drumming up publicity for her book by writing a controversial op-ed (in the WSJ, if I remember correctly) before her book was released.

[rainbabies]

I hope I don't have to clarify my comment as sarcasm...

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I think it's all about validation, and we speak different love languages. I've never been told no, not once, not ever, but I don't have a set "amount" to spend on myself and then it dries up. I think it's harder for women of our generation that have experienced careers that seek validations their efforts, their sacrifices, their endless nights and preschool deadlines.

I agree, this resonates with me. I dislike my job but I do like getting feedback that I'm doing well and am smart. There is a gratification there. And it's in performance reviews, annual raises, and year end bonuses. I have a few friends that have put aside high-powered careers to raise children (as I hope to do myself soon) and they have spoken about the difficulty of not ever really getting feedback or "job well done". They know intellectually that a job well done isn't "necessary" but when you're accustomed to that type of recognition and feedback, it's hard not to get it. It goes without saying that being at home is every bit as hard (if not harder) and important as being at work but society doesn't reward/give feedback the same way.

This weekend at DH's reunion, people were definitely more impressed that I'm still in consulting while DH pursues his residency than they were with my friends who were currently home with their children despite the fact that these women were often better educated than I am ("better" undergrad degrees, MBAs/masters degrees/JDs, etc.). Now this is a very particular ecosystem I'm talking about (not necessarily broadly generalizable) but it kinda sucked for them to have to get the blank looks when their peers were literally giving TED style talks about heaven only knows what...literally the reunion had TED talks...