Wife Bonuses

[Pollyanna]

I hope I don't have to clarify my comment as sarcasm...

Ha!

Funny, I was going to ditto your comment because really my dh has almost zero access to our money. He has a debit card but knows nothing beyond that. So really, his money is my money

[v-girl]

Ha!

Funny, I was going to ditto your comment because really my dh has almost zero access to our money. He has a debit card but knows nothing beyond that. So really, his money is my money

Mine only has a credit card. His debit doesn't work and he won't go to the bank to fix it. So he has no direct access to the bank account. 😂

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Also, if this were a thing, many of us would owe our spouses a "bonus" during residency since we're the higher earner and that's not happening...

[rainbabies]

The joke in our house is, dh doesn't even know what bank we use. 😉

[GrayMatterWife]

The joke in our house is, dh doesn't even know what bank we use. ��

This is NOT a joke in our house. He has no clue. Where we bank, what his monthly take-home is, when he gets a bonus... And he has no complaints. He is just glad that the financial stuff is not his problem.

I cannot CONCEIVE of a planet on which I would ask his permission to spend money or be told that I had "spent" my allowance. Working or staying at home. Money is our money. And I would not tell him that, either. Of course, for him, a $10 hamburger is a BIG treat so I am not exactly worried that he will go buy a mistress and a Porche...

[Vanquisher]

This is NOT a joke in our house. He has no clue. Where we bank, what his monthly take-home is, when he gets a bonus... And he has no complaints. He is just glad that the financial stuff is not his problem.

I cannot CONCEIVE of a planet on which I would ask his permission to spend money or be told that I had "spent" my allowance. Working or staying at home. Money is our money. And I would not tell him that, either. Of course, for him, a $10 hamburger is a BIG treat so I am not exactly worried that he will go buy a mistress and a Porche...

Ditto.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Oh yeah, we joke that if I died, he'd have to call all the branches to even see where we bank. He has no idea what anything costs or what we bring home.

[MrsK]

I cannot CONCEIVE of a planet on which I would ask his permission to spend money or be told that I had "spent" my allowance. Working or staying at home. Money is our money. And I would not tell him that, either.

...

This struck a chord with me and it didn't even occur to me when I started this thread. My mom was a homemaker and she got an allowance. She had to buy groceries, put gas in the car, buy clothes and whatever we kids needed with her allowance. On her birthday and for holidays, my father would give her cash gifts. She always had trouble budgeting her allowance and we were frequency out of gas or short at the grocery store. If she needed more cash, she had to ask my father and was frequently denied. When the credit card bill arrived each month, my father would yell and he even cut up her credit cards. We never had any debt, not even a mortgage, so itwas not because we were struggling. He was just very anxious about money.

I definitely inherited /learned some of that anxiety. That's probably why I feel so conflicted about staying home with the kids. I feel guilty about not earning an income and anxious about our financial security. DrK has never worried about money and he's not at all controlling about my spending. If anything, I'm the one always saying no when he wants to spend. Then I feel like "he earned it, why should I say he can't spend it however he wants."

I think that the catalyst behind the "wife bonus" is that being a financial dependant can make some people feel insecure and/or guilty about spending on themselves. These wives want their own money. But what's missed is that in many cases marriage means that BOTH parties loose their financial autonomy and neither can spend as freely as they could if they were single. Seems like the "wife bonus" is intended to even the score in marriages where there is an imbalance in financial autonomy.

[alotofyarn]

Both of our incomes go into the same pot which we use to pay bills, tithe, and have fun. We discuss most non-essential purchases in advance, but there's not counting of who spent how much. The only time we've ever even discussed that is with our recent tax refund, and we decided to put one amount toward things that need done, and then we each got an equal amount for bigger fun purchases. I've also made more money than he has for the last 6 years and will continue to do so as long as he is in training. I was raised by a SAHM, and they more or less did the same thing - all income went into the joint account, and both of my parents bought things as necessary, for themselves and for the family, with bigger purchases generally coming after discussion (though the amount of "bigger" grew over the years).

[medpedspouse]

Slight hijack - on the subject if the dawkter not knowing anything about the financials. I used to chime in here that DH would be in trouble if I died for many of the reasons already mentioned. This was actually a post training issue we had to deal with in our marriage. Should I be the only one that is solely responsible for all financial issues, concerns, etc.? Dude would not even know when or IF he got a bonus and/or reimbursement. I deal with those issues with my work...if I am due X amount, I call HR, etc. Yes, I am better at financial stuff and as such am willing to take on most of the responsibility. However, financial "stuff" impacts the whole family and as such (IMHO) the dawkter needs to take some ownership.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I thought the NY Times article was hilarious, wouldn't surprise me if it was exaggerated or fabricated. At least the NY Times article made a strong point that the bonus was directly tied to how well their children did in school, if they got into the good school or right activities. Tied to the wife's performance not just the breadwinner's whim. Of course most of us will never be making the kind of money as these people, but I do see similarities with the high expectations in parenting and gender separation.

If I remember correctly the conclusion was these women don't actually have any power. No matter how well or highly educated they're still fully reliant on the husband.

[OrionGrad]

If I remember correctly the conclusion was these women don't actually have any power. No matter how well or highly educated they're still fully reliant on the husband.

Exactly!

[poky]

Slight hijack - on the subject if the dawkter not knowing anything about the financials. I used to chime in here that DH would be in trouble if I died for many of the reasons already mentioned. This was actually a post training issue we had to deal with in our marriage. Should I be the only one that is solely responsible for all financial issues, concerns, etc.? Dude would not even know when or IF he got a bonus and/or reimbursement. I deal with those issues with my work...if I am due X amount, I call HR, etc. Yes, I am better at financial stuff and as such am willing to take on most of the responsibility. However, financial "stuff" impacts the whole family and as such (IMHO) the dawkter needs to take some ownership.

I'm also the one who handles everything money-related.

However, I've done a few things so that I don't feel like I'm the only one who knows what's going on, and so that I know if something were to happen to me, he'd not be completely screwed:
1) We both use LastPass, and we have a shared folder, into which I have put ALL of the financial-related usernames and passwords. He has access to everything online, should he need it.
2) I copy him on emails, or at least mention to him when financial things are going on. This goes both ways; if his new boss emails him, he forwards it to me so I know what's going on. We were also both on all phone calls with our new adviser.
3) I sit him down periodically and have him look at our mint overview (balances, budget, last few month's spending vs income, etc.) so he has a general idea of what's going on at a high level.

As for him "taking ownership" of any part of it, though? Nah. I'm OK with being in charge as long as I know he knows in a general way what's going on. I'd just be nagging him and checking up on "his part" anyway. We both know he COULD take it over if he had to, and that's good enough, for us.