Better in the 70s (Generational differences and parenting)

[SoonerTexan]

Saw this on Facebook today:

https://rhondastephens.wordpress.com...ng-a-raw-deal/

It didn't really surprise me--I've seen this variation played out over and over. It's always hyperbole, but the basic message is, "Our parents didn't spoil us materially or emotionally in the 70s like we are doing to our kids now and we survived."

I'm in a weird in between--I was born in the late 80s, so a lot of what defines a "millenial" childhood (ubiquitous internet, fancy sports teams, expesive clothes, crazy school expectations etc.) was only present at the very tail end of my childhood. It definitely played out for some of my younger siblings though.

Two thoughts/questions I have and want to hear what others have to say.

• I drove crappy cars in high school and bought my own crappy car in college (that my youngest sister is now driving, so she isn't totally spoiled!), we never had a cleaning lady, we all mowed the lawn, did chores, cooked dinner, and were expected to help care for our siblings. I started babysitting at 13 and had part time and full time jobs from 15 til I started work at 22. I think I am better because of these things. At the same time, my husband had a very different experience growing up, and while it probably would have served him well to not have a cleaning lady around so much and to have to mow the lawn every once in awhile, I cant really say that he or his other grown siblings are horribly selfish or incapable of taking care of themselves. I struggle with how to approach this with my own children. I want them to value hard work and be successful on their own, but I cant really say that my experience was the gold standard. In a lot of ways it stressed me out. And I want a cleaning lady dang it! How do I enjoy the things I've worked for without overindulging my children? Or do I even need to worry about it so much?
• The whole, "my parents could give a rats ass about what I was doing or how I felt in the 70s and I survived" manta bothers me. This description sounds a lot like my mom's experience and she is still pretty bitter about a lot of her childhood--she felt ignored by her parents and her relationship with them is still not great to this day. She definitely resolved to be a better parent. It wasn't so much about the chores--it was more about her parents not caring about the issues in her life or her safety. I think helicoptor parenting is real and it is very easy to go overboard (I see it in myself already), but I sort of feel that the parents of today are a direct result of the lack of something in their own childhoods, even if they are occasionally taking it to the extreme. Supposedly the millenial generation is closer to their parents than ever before. I believe it, because I'm pretty dang close to my parents. Many of my friends (in their late 20s and early 30s) still spend a lot of their free time with their parents and siblings by choice. Why is this such a bad thing? I see my mom fret about what she is going to do with her parents as they age and need care because she can barely handle 4 days in a row with her mother. I had to remind her that if the time comes, her children are going to be much happier and willing to provide that support for her because we have a good relationship. Shouldn't this closer relationship at least partly be chalked up as a win?

[medpedspouse]

My sis and I are 14 years apart. Yup, same dad and same mom. She was a "surprise"

Our upbringing was totally different. I, straight up 70s and she mid 80s. My sister was awful until about 6 years ago. All of the sudden she decided that she was going to adult. Until then, she was the stereotype. I think there is a balance parents must reach. Duh - right? No, what I mean is what do you give/not give your kids so that they are comfortable starting out in adulthood. When you live with cable, smartphone, designer clothes, maid, yard maintenance, etc. and your college apartment looks better than the majority's first home, anyone would have a hard time adjusting to a different lifestyle.

Some may be differences in personalities some may be what the article depicts...I just know that I could care less about designer anything. Now that I can afford stuff, I will buy a particular brand because it is a good product. I will actually get pissed if said brand becomes popular or fashionable. Why the hell would I want to pay a buttload of cash to look just like everyone else? My sis, on the other hand, loves her some certain popular brands.

This is funny - sort of...I remember telling my mom that she better get me a CD player for Christmas (I was in college - I know - rude, right?) when I found out my 4yo sister already had one. Interestingly, both my sister and I are very close to my mom. I see her almost every day and my sister calls her multiple times a day.

[MsSassyBaskets]

I'm with you. There's a lot that's worse about parenting today, and a lot of that is out of our control, like the internet and the social environments out kids will grow up with. We can only do our best to raise our kids with a view of the big picture. And we do have to balance the increasing academic and extracurricular demands with the danger of becoming helicopters.

But I would argue that a lot of parenting today is better than it was 30 or 40 or 50 years ago. We give a shit about our kids feelings and respect them as little people. Sure, you have to be careful about boundaries and giving littles too much control. But respecting them is so much better than not.

[MsSassyBaskets]

[MENTION=1479]LilySayWhat[/MENTION], I do wonder if there's a difference between older and younger millennials, or if you just "got a bad batch". My team is 3/4 older millennials like myself. We're responsible for bringing in millions of dollars. I have to tell them to take days off. They work crazy hours because they have a hard time saying no to anyone who asks for their help, and they are compulsive about deadlines. My Gen X employee is the least "together" of all of them. I think a lot of that may be due to the millennials having been overscheduled and overworked for their entire lives. It's NBD for them. It's harder for the older ones to balance it all.

As an older millennial, I did a lot of the same things you did - riding my bike miles from home, running around the neighborhood... But I also don't see any benefit to kids being ignored by the people who are meant to love and protect them. You can pay attention without taking the reins. You can love and encourage without removing all the obstacles. Like ST pointed out, there's nothing wrong with having stronger family bonds. Having a cold and distant family hasn't made me a better person. I want the opposite for my kid, and I'm prepared to deal with the difficulty of balancing that with my child's need for independence and life experience.

[Thirteen]

Better in the 70s (Generational differences and parenting)

I technically fall into millennial category, as does DH, but we refer to ourselves as the "original trilogy generation" ('77-'83). A different bunch, that's for sure.

We both were free range in many ways, but in very different settings. Both our families were available for conversations that I know our parents never would dream of having with their own parents. I'm fiscally conservative and he's more of a let it ride financial guy. I'm hoping we provide a fair, moral and balanced parenting perspective where our kids feel heard and loved, but also have guidelines and expectations to live up to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gem]

I'm part of what seems to be a generational no-man's-land (born in 1980), and I think my parents really hit the nail on the head in terms of being very generous but instilling strong work ethic; having high expectations but being unconditionally forgiving; fiercely protecting us from irreparable harm, but letting us take some hard falls. I feel really fortunate to have a great model. However now that I'm trying to replicate that for my own kids, I'm finding it's really hard to implement. We're always waking that line.

[Ladybug]

She bugs me. There are plenty of parents out there making better choices. *She* chose to buy a $300 bat. Not the kid or the other parents. It was her poor choice. Own it and stop telling everyone else it was the pressure or kid's sense of entitlement that made you do it. Good Lord.

I think smaller family sizes have meant greater resources per member. With four kids we clearly do not live that way. Cheapest equipment and target clothes. It just a matter of logistics in our family. People who I know spending that kind of money generally have the money to spend. They aren't shorting their retirement accounts. I don't feel the need to keep up with them.

Saying that today's kid's don't understand what it's like to be disliked is ludicrous! The deal with so much social media and bullying that it's quite the opposite IMO. I'm relieved I didn't grow up with this level of social scrutiny and rejection.

Real mental toughness (not a veneer) is nurtured through love, no overprotection, but certainly not "deal with it" attitudes either. You have to know people care and support you. Kids that think their parents "don't get them" because of their golden nostalgia will not turn to them in times of real trouble.

Regarding car safety. Holy shit! You have a responsibility to have a safe car on the road for yourself and all the other families on the road. Trust me, as a school nurse, I can guarantee you that today's kids have no problems creating hysterical memories. I hear them all the time. I see them on their phones on the time. They set them to music and add words so she can take her floorless car and shove it.

I work with HS students everyday. Most of them are working hard and learning things we couldn't even imagine being possible at their age.

I do think kids are at risk of being overscheduled and micromanaged (because they CAN'T manage the schedule them selves at a young age) and our family has made very different choices. I made the best choice for our family's needs regardless of how other family's are managing their time. Maybe it's all my years of school nursing, but I'm 100% OK with not doing everything.

She needs to own her choices. Besides, if her parent's did such a great job of raising her in the 70s why did she turn out to be such a "bad" parent herself? Doesn't make sense. You're adulthood is still shaped significantly by your childhood. Maybe it was the sense of "lacking" in her 70s childhood that contributed to her overindulging her own kids.

[spotty_dog]

I think it goes to show that there is no wrong way to parent, if you do it with love. Our clingier younger siblings might be growing up a little slower, but they're still becoming competent adults. My 18yo nephew was raised with a lot of privilege but also a lot of expectation, and he's a pretty cool kid with an impressive work ethic. Having a cleaning lady doesn't spoil kids. Not having a cleaning lady doesn't make them responsible self-starters. There's just what works for your family, and the example you set for them as a role model for how the Adult do.

I do think both extremes at the beginning of the article -- 70s mom bolting the door to the 9-year-olds, and 2010s mom tip-toeing out of the house with fingers crossed her kids will choose to do chores -- fail to meet the standards I hold for myself and my kids. And I do think that having an adult relationship with your kids is a fine goal to hold up as the end result of parenting.

The author talks about how unfair it is that she's buying stuff for her kids instead of contributing to retirement. How about you just…DON'T spend on things that don't fit your budget and your values? She complains that kids have parents who intervene to change their grades. Um…YOU are the parent, making that choice. The whole thing smacks of throwing her hands up like, "Look what we HAVE to do these days!" No. No, you do not HAVE to parent that way, LOL. But neither do you have to artificially construct a "hard-knocks" life in order to teach your five-year-old to man up and grow a pair. There is definitely a gray area.

The ability to face adversity and bounce back IS an incredibly essential life skill that kids need to start developing young. See the book "How Children Succeed" about the far-ranging effects of grit. And the transition to independence is also important -- I read somewhere that teens don't even WANT to own cars these days, and that is pretty telling, I think. I do want my kids to want to spread their wings sooner rather than later.

[HouseofWool]

Better in the 70s (Generational differences and parenting)

I couldn't finish the post. It was too self serving and whiny.

The topic is timely. Lately I have been losing my Schmidt on a regular basis because I am overwhelmed at keeping the house up. C is 13 and taller than me. S is 7 and quite capable. Over the weekend, I made a chore chart that I stuck in a page protector and taped to a cupboard. (Klassie, don't be jealous!)

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1460424566.156049.jpg

The whole point was to break down the tasks that need to be done and how often so the kids can identify them without my nagging.

At work today, I mentioned the project to a co-worker and she asked what the reward was for the kids and all I could think to say was "satisfaction in a job well done?" There is no reason they should be paid for basic upkeep of the house.

Or bigger projects for that matter. I've got C emptying and disassembling my raised garden beds. And why not? He is capable and it gives him problem solving opportunities.

[SoonerTexan]

^ yes to the school thing. My sister is only 10 years younger than me and I'm blown away at how much even high school has changed in 10 years. It's insane


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sheherezade]

As some e who has raised two kids during these troubling times, I think this is all overblown. "kids today!" Meh.

It's really not that bad. Parents aren't hovering over all the kids, and kids aren't all about to off themselves from the pressures. Things are different, yes - but honestly, all the hysteria about how things have changed is uncalled for in my mind.

Every generation has its parenting foibles, triumphs and challenges. It all works out.


Angie

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

^^the difference is that people didn't used to be able to blog about how everything is going to hell every damn day.

[Sheherezade]

Could be true! Lol!


Angie

[rufflesanddots]

There are some students in DHs class who are firmly millennials who've absolutely uttered phrases such as "I didn't sign up for this" when their schedules get overloaded or shifted unexpectedly and perceive getting pimped and/or directly criticized as being "bullied". It's interesting to watch. On the whole they are wonderful people, but some do have an attitude regarding their academic obligations that DH and I simply do not have (e.g., blaming professors for poor grades, etc.). If either of us ever did poorly in a class it was ALWAYS our fault and our responsibility to fix it. No appealing to higher powers.

As a 1984 baby I think I got a good mix of perceived millennial coddling and 1970s ass-kicking. My parents were in their late 30s by the time we were born and in their late 40s once we were legally adopted. My dad was already raising/had raised 3 kids who were 11-20 the years old when we were born. We got shooed outside on the regular and I was expected to do chores and do well in school because that was my job as a kid. I definitely had a nicer car due to my Dad's propensity to buy stupid shit, and also had college paid for by my parents. They helped me get on my feet right after graduation and I know would help me however they could if I asked. My older step-sister says I have more hustle than she does (I think she's full of it, she's a work horse), but I'm pretty sure she'd tell me if I was a spoiled brat. I think I turned out okay.

[ladymoreta]

I agree with [MENTION=1048]Ladybug[/MENTION]. It's a different world, but I think these kids have much higher expectations than we did. I just had a parent teacher conference for DS last week (kindergarten), and she was showing me his work. "We are working on writing two sentence journal entries. It's in preparation for first grade, when they will be writing six sentence entries." "He's started on the Istation (computer curriculum) level where we give him nonsense words, and he has to figure them out phonetically or from context." "He's doing great with addition and subtraction." This is *not* what kindergarten was when I was there. I mostly remember playing with dolls and having snack and rest time, and it was half day. He goes full day, and rest time was phased out after Christmas. When he comes home from school, some days I send him and DD outside, but the kid is *tired*. Really tired. And most days he has extracurriculars anyway, so the point is moot.

Tangent over, but we can't just go back to the "good old days". Life has changed since the way it was back then, and if you try to live that way, people call CPS on you for letting your kids play out of sight. So we work with what we've got. Kids in the 70s were much more coddled than kids during the depression, but that doesn't stop them from criticizing parents today. Overall our world has gotten safer and friendlier, and expectations have gotten higher. You can raise your kids to be resilient, hard workers in this environment without trying to reconstruct the past.

I also agree with @spotty_dog - the author doesn't seem to own her choices. I'm all for leaving parents alone when it comes to their decisions to buy things for their kids or coddle them in whatever areas they want. I'm not okay with hearing parents whine about all they *have* to do for their kids. No, you don't have to do most of those things she complained about in the article. I think she regrets some of the decisions she's made in raising her kids, and she's trying to justify it as not being her fault. Funny, but that's one of the complaints people have with "kids these days"... And she was raised back when she's arguing that her upbringing prevented that.