a morbid and slightly twisted question

[houseelf]

Don't ask why, but DH and I had a debate over whether funerals should be open casket or closed. I am adament that the casket should be closed to focus on the celebration of the life and not myre the people left behind with morbid thoughts or create even more unnecessary grief. DH believes that people need closure and need to see physical evidence of an individual's death. I think that a viewing should only be for absolute immediate family members, he thinks that everyone is entitled to say goodbye.


What do you think?

(How is this for a happy thought of the day? )

Kelly

[Auspicious]

I've always thought open, for the same reasons stated by your husband.

Ditto to the sentiments expressed by your husband and Julie. That final goodbye and time to reflect beside that person has always been important to me. And, now that I think about it, I can't remember a funeral that wasn't open casket (or that didn't include viewing somewhere along the line).

In high school, two of my friends were killed by a drunk driver. One funeral was open casket (Wendy) and the other was closed (Ruthie). I have to say, Wendy's funeral was so much more difficult for me than Ruthie's...for weeks, probably even months, I couldn't get the image out of my head. However, I think her open casket funeral helped me to accept her loss much more quickly than I was able to accept Ruthie's. It was a few years before I think I really accepted that Ruthie was gone.

One thing I really liked about Wendy's funeral was that her casket was closed just before the service started, so for those who didn't want to see, they didn't have to see her. But it was open before and after the service for those who did.

It's not really a weird question at all, Kelly. I've actually discussed it with my husband before, too!

Erica

[BonBon]

I don't know. My boyfriend in high school died in a car accident with two friends when I was 16. (Can we say scarred for life?!? Whenever someone is late, etc I immediately jump to the conclusion that they are dead on the side of the road. Sucky way to live.) But I digress...my boyfriend's casket was closed as he was nearly decapitated and his face and body were in terrible shape. For years all I wanted was to see him one last time, even if it meant seeing what had happened to him. I even had nightmares about digging him up just so I could see him.

I just don't know. I guess it depends on the condition of the body. Once the life force is gone from someone though, they truly do look like a shell of their former self. Personally, I am opting for a closed casket followed by cremation. DH and I are going to have our ashes mixed together someday. :---

I like the idea of having the casket closed for people who do not want to see. That seems like a great option. Gosh, my post feels like it was all over the place.

[Rapunzel]

Both of my grandparents had open-casket "viewings" prior to the funeral (all LDS funerals are close-casket when they take place in an LDS chapel btw). I saw my grandfather in the casket (he passed away first) and it was like looking at a big mannequin that looked eerily like my grandfather. It felt almost embarassing to me to be staring at his body without its spirit inside and I knew "he" wasn't there right now. So, I didn't really care for the experience. When my grandmother died a few years later there was no question that I would not go look at her dead body. She had moved on, I knew that and I had memories of her to cherish. I looked forward (and still do) to seeing her again and that was enough for me. I didn't want to see her body in a state of emptiness. It wasn't "her". (I was VERY close to both of these grandparents - they were my "second parents" who had a lot to do with raising me and my siblings. I love them dearly).

My family has discussed this a lot, actually. I think it's a good idea to let family know if you make a decision on what you want to take place at your funeral so that they may attempt to honor your wishes. I will be OK with CLOSE family members seeing my body after I pass away (by close I am referring to immediate family only - parents, siblings, children, spouse). Other than them, I'm OK with my body being carefully handled by a few who will prepare it and dress it. Otherwise, everyone can remember me as I was when I was alive - no general viewing open to friends and acquaintances and distant relatives - no open-casket funeral (that I wouldn't have anyway because of LDS policies on funerals). My husband will similarly have a very private group of individuals access to his spirit-less body. My mother has adamantly indicated that she thinks the entire spectacle of individuals filing past a dead body is morbid and she has strong inclinations to desire a limited viewing much as I want for myself.

The only departure from this I can say for myself is that should any of my children precede me in death I feel this deep personal desire that I should be able to "hold" them one last time. I know that when my sweet little boy was a baby and he had a few near-misses I felt that if he did move on I wanted to be able to hold his little body one more time - and simply because I would want to feel that I had loved him completely to the very end. It's a weird thing to explain, but I don't feel this way about my parentsor siblings (ie wanting to hold and touch them once they pass away). I might feel that way about my husband - I'm not sure. It may have something to do with wanting that last bit of physical contact with a person who came from my body. I'm not sure....

A funeral is a sad time. It's natural to miss a loved one's presence. But, I want my funeral to be an acknowledgement that death is just another passageway and that it's not a permanent good-bye, but a temporary one. I hope that I live a life worth celebrating by those I love.

Jennifer

Personally, it makes me uncomfortable. But not as much as I would have expected. Only two open casket funerals come to mind, but at both I did pass by the open casket. But I didn't linger!

I can understand why people would want this (as explained by others) but it's not what I would personally want. When my FIL passed away, my MIL found it comforting to see his body. She liked seeing his body at peace after all that he went through. While that makes sense to me, it's still hard for me to imagine seeing him dead. And sort of weird thinking about his ashes being in our house. But that's another topic.... :!

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering my cousin's funeral. She died at 15 in a car accident. Of several aspects of her funeral and the surrounding events that I found disturbing, the worst was that other girls from her class were going to the viewing and tampering with her body. At that point, I think they needed a whole lot more than closure.

[Rapunzel]

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering my cousin's funeral. She died at 15 in a car accident. Of several aspects of her funeral and the surrounding events that I found disturbing, the worst was that other girls from her class were going to the viewing and tampering with her body. At that point, I think they needed a whole lot more than closure.

You know, that's one thing that disturbs me - I don't want my body handled after death by anyone who doesn't HAVE to do it (ie as a job) or isn't my parent, spouse, sibling, or child. I feel it's actually pretty disrespectful to start manhandling a person's body. Perhaps it's because I feel that their spirit still has "ownership" of that body and it's not appropriate to do things with it while they are unable to have a say in it. That might sound odd to some, but, believe me, it fits in with my religious beliefs.

Jennifer

[HeartRN]

What an interesting thread....I like what Erica said about her experience....open before and closed during the actual funeral. I've been to a few funerals like this and it seemed most comfortable. I don't think I can rule out an open casket completely, and it's mainly due to a personal experience. DH's grandma died last May (she was 98 and lived an AMAZING life!). Well, she was an avid Cubs fan (forgive me if I've told this story before). Anyhow, she SO loved the Cubs that Ron Santo mentioned her on the Cubs radio broadcast the day after she died, and he spoke about her "final wishes" which were to be buried wearing a Cubs hat and holding her transistor radio in her hand so she could "listen to Cubs radio in the great beyond". 8) And that's exactly what happened. She was the coolest lady, and sadly, the very glue that held DH's family together. I really miss her.

I'm not quite sure how to set this link up, but I ran across an article about gorillas at a zoo participating in a "wake" of sorts.
http://www.wral.com/news/3981592/detail.html

That's such a touching story, Kevin. I've heard that elephants mourn in much the same way. Thanks for sharing!

This is an interesting topic, and something I was randomly thinking about recently. I actually have very little experience with funerals because most of my extended family (especially my older relatives) live in different countries.

I would want a closed casket. My mom's youngest brother died a couple years ago and I flew out to CA for the funeral. I hadn't seen him in several years and it was very disturbing to see him without his spirit, as others have mentioned. But mostly, I hate that it's how I remember him now.

[SuzySunshine]

I think it depends on the person in question and the situation. A very dear friend of mine died after our sophomore year in college, she had an open casket which I think brought a lot of closure to a lot of people. On the other hand my cousin was killed in a terrible car accident when he was 10 years old and was not able to have an open casket. While I understand there wasn't a choice with his he was one of 36 cousins under the age of 20 and I think a lot of the younger ones had a real hard time saying goodbye because they couldn't see him.

I think open caskets are better 75% of the time but I think there are situations when they should be closed. I know not very decisive!

[SueC]

I've never even thought about this. The last funeral I went to was a very long time ago--it was my grandpa's and it was an open casket. I remember my aunt saying she kept expecting him to sit up and say "what in the hell took you so long to get here". Anyhow, I digress--it didn't bother me at all to see his body (I think I was 10 or 12 at the time). He'd been very sick with emphysema in his final days and it was actually nice to see him without a lot of medical apparatus attached to him. I think it totally depends on the situation, and I think the younger the deceased, the more difficult it would seem. My sister went to a funeral several years ago of a woman who died before giving birth and they had an open casket with the baby in the arms of the mother. I'm not sure if they did that so that people could actually see the baby or what, but I think that would be an image I wouldn't be able to shake.

[BonBon]

My sister went to a funeral several years ago of a woman who died before giving birth and they had an open casket with the baby in the arms of the mother. I'm not sure if they did that so that people could actually see the baby or what, but I think that would be an image I wouldn't be able to shake.

Sue, OMG. What happened to the mom? That is so horrible!!! I can't imagine how her SO/DH must have felt seeing his wife and child like that. That is just infinitely sad.