Wedding Gift Registries?

[PrincessFiona]

We were recently invited to a wedding of a friend. We didn't attend, but knew that we had to get a gift. We also figured that we would have to spend somewhere between $85-100 on the gift....

I was planning on making a quilt and then one of the bridesmaids told me I needed to consider that she was registered and pick a gift from there. Gone are the days of the personal gifts, I guess.

Anyway, Thomas and I went to the registry and it was just outrageous. We ended up spending $85 on a MEAT FORK. It's not a gift I would ever choose (and to be quite honest, I actually kind of resent that I spent that kind of money on a fork...) The gift is totally impersonable and I am sure that I'll just get the standard "thanks for the fork" letter soon.

Are the days of the 'personal gifts' gone forever...and is it really so bad that sometimes people got a great 'deal' on a gift and didn't have to 'fork over' (no pun intended) big bucks for the gift?

It's great that the couple gets things that they specifically picked out and wanted, but isn't it a little rude to invite people to a wedding and then expect them to buy something off of your gift list (even when you can't attend)?

We never had a gift registry and we got the most unique, intersting gifts...It was actually fun to open them and see the thought that had gone into them....now the farthest people think about the gifts is in remembering the url to the web address for the registry and picking what hasn't already been bought.

kris

[DCJenn]

We had a registry and I really wish more people had followed it because we got- crap. Crappy crap.

Of course, it was my second marriage- but I didn't register for china, silver, crystal- no I registered for a blender, a toaster, kitchen towels!

My rule is I'll always buy off the registry if 1) I think it isn't going to last (bought the teenaged nephews towels, figuring they'd end up at Rick's sisters eventually) 2) I don't know them that well (two champagne goblets- no fuss no muss) or 3) I don't like them (whatever added at the last minute item they have- like a set of coasters). If it's someone I'm close to? I'll use the registry for ideas (colors, etc.) or for bridal showers- then try to come up with something creative for the gift- the tablecloth they registered for plus pewter engraved napkin rings and the coordinating napkins for my friend, for example)

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

Reminds me of the south park episode where cartman tells all the guests what Mega Man doll to buy him. Kyle gets something else and "Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man!" he tantrums.

The registry is a suggestion. If you want to contribute housewares, voila, you can get the pattern they'll enjoy for their china. If you don't want to be the third fondue set, this guarantees you won't duplicate.

But anyone who presumes that the registry defines the bounds of appropriate gift giving sorely mistakes the etiquette of the thing.

My favorite gifts at my wedding were things not on the registry. Some of my least favorite were things that *were* on there (DH handled a lot of that and chose a shade of lilac bath towels I wouldn't have). And personally, I like to give surprises, so I try to eschew the registry if possible.

[DCJenn]

well, you oldsters have heard the story of the purple flowered vase ad nauseum, but for thosewho havent'- my first husband and I received a God-awful flowered purple vase what had clearnly been regifted. We shared the hideousness with several friends, and we then passed it on (as a joke) to one of the couple who then shared it with another and so on.

So, my rule is, "register because you never want to get the purple flowered vase." But by no means does a registry mean that you can't give something else! and the bridesmaid/friend was way off the mark with her comment to you Kris.

My friend who is getting married in November will be getting something unique and different from me. (A seder plate and menorah that an artisan here has made)

jenn

I must say, as a number of my friends have recently been getting married, I love the gift registry. I have enough trouble buying presents for the people that are closest to me as it is. The last thing I want to be doing is figuring out the 'perfect' for everyone's wedding.

Though, I can see how it is pretty impersonal and possibly not the most exciting of gift giving/getting experiences. But I'll trade that for the convienence

[Sheherezade]

Registries are there to be used if you choose. If you have other ideas, you can still give a perfectly acceptable gift. The bridesmaid steered you wrong. If the registry is outrageous or doesn't offer me something I'd choose as a gift, I go with my own choice. If I find something I like on it, great. If they are a close friend, I wouldn't give off the registry --it is impersonal.

I think it is crazy that so many places have registeies now--not just for weddings. Amazon has a wish list that others can see. Toys R Us here has parties and offers a wish list for guests invited to celebrate. I see this as an extension of the gift certificate/card craze. Personal gifts are getting more and more rare. I see the logic, but gift giving wasn't always supposed to be about logic.

[Rapunzel]

OK, $85 for a meat fork is completely ridiculous! I would never have bought off the gift registry if there were not meaningful items in a moderate price-range. I have no problem with gift registries. I DO have a problem with inconsiderate brides that do not register at places where ALL of their guests can buy useful items for the couple at AFFORDABLE prices. Good grief! Is your friend's maiden name "Vanderbilt" or "Forbes" or something?

Jennifer

[SueC]

Honestly, I don't have a problem with registries. You aren't required to purchase something off of the list, and I think it saves a lot of hassle for the couple as well as the guests. I used to try to buy something really creative for people, especially for baby showers, but I've pretty much decided it's just easier to get them what they want.

When we got married my in-laws were put off by the registry (reminder: they're Indian). For them it's considered rude to basically instruct someone what to buy for you (90% of Indians give $ anyway, so I thought it best not to offend any of them). My MIL wouldn't even let us put where we were registered in my shower invites. Fast forward 6 years to my BIL's wedding (to an Indian woman), and they not only put an open plea for $ IN THEIR WEDDING INVITATION , but listed their registries in the wedding invitation as well. Verbatim:

"At this point in their lives, S & S have basically everything they need for a home, except a house. They would appreciate gifts to help them achieve their dream. If you would prefer to give a boxed gift, they are registered at:"

These two are, shall we say, bold. The bride also took the time (again, in the wedding invite) to tell people how to dress "Indian attire is highly reccommended" and where they could buy it (her website for her own business). But I digress ...

For weddings I'll usually try to stick to the registry, especially if the couple is young and truly trying to set up a house. For babies I've found it well received when I buy "our favorites", things that worked really well for us.

I have to problem with the registry as a whole - it's the registERS that are a pain.

[pstone]

Heh, I know it will make me a typical man, but I never buy off the registry, NEVER. Unless of course I don't really know the folks, then I just buy the fork.

Don't you tell me what purple vase I can't get you or I will buy two.

[Vanquisher]

I am all for wedding registries. I think they are wonderful, if the couple registers appropraitely.

This month I am celebrating (likely by myself) my nine-year anniversary. Let me just say that when I got married, I got shafted in the wedding gift department. We registered, but people did not get us things off of the registry. I don't think people really did registries way back then. Anyway, maybe it's just because our family and friends are cheap, or maybe it's because we got married young, and people were counting on the fact that we wouldn't last, but, here are some of the things we got for our wedding:

- A bird house, complete with faux bird and nest.
- Bright yellow and pink towels (from 2 different people) that you could see through. We took these back. All four towels garnered us a grand total of $4.64. Should have used them for rags, but we needed the $4.64 to buy toilet paper, I suppose we could have used them for that too.
- A broken bowl. I kid you not, it was actually broken.
- Ugly wind chimes. (We were 19 and living in a basement apartment).
- A cheap microwave (that ALL 6 of my mom's brothers and sisters went in together on).
- A quilt (that all 4 of dh's dad's brothers and sisters and dh's grtandmother put stiches in). It really isn't my style either.

Grand total, we sent out 125 invitations. Grand total, I would say our gifts came in at under $500. We have very, very few of the gifts we received from our wedding left. Not that I need another reason to cry today, but I love thinking about my wedding gifts.

Get something off the registry, if it is nice and you like it. If you can't, I suggest a gift certificate, or something that will last forever, like nice crystal serving platters or bowls. The registry is a suggestion and a way to point you in the right direction, but if you HAVE to stray, do it well. $85 for a fork is rediculous. I think that's more than the pan set cost I got for my wedding, but I digress.

Ugh, I am not going to bring anyone's mood up today. I think I'll lurk for a bit.

Well....I have nothing against registries, they never hurt me anyway! When we got married, we had a registry, but were happy with anything we got.

The best registry that I have heard of or seen was for my brother and his wife. They are so alike, it is scary. My brother is a total VW freak. Not new ones, but the "originals" from the 70's. He has two convertible bugs, three beetles, and three buses. Needless to say, they are all in different stages of running or not running. So, they registred at Sear's-for tools, they had just bought a house too, so they were registred at Home Depot and Lowe's....along with O'Reilly's and AutoZone!

We bought them some tires, so that maybe they could come see us!

Don't you tell me what purple vase I can't get you or I will buy two.

Okay - then I will tell you about the set of calphalon that I absolutely hate.

[Auspicious]

I like it when a couple registers. I enjoy knowing that my gift is a guaranteed win, and I enjoy looking through the registries of people I know and seeing what combination of stuff they picked out.

For our wedding the vast majority of people went with the registry and we're enjoying using that stuff, even our $85 meat fork. (Just kidding, we don't have anything resembling an $85 meat fork.) For our off-registry gifts, I do appreciate the thought--seriously, even in my heart of hearts I do--but most of those gifts really aren't going to find a place in our household. They just don't fit in for one reason or another.

I think giving off the registry is fine--the registry is just a suggestion--it's just very risky when it comes to the couple actually using and liking the gift itself.

[HeartRN]

Re: Wedding Gift Registries?

The gift is totally impersonable and I am sure that I'll just get the standard "thanks for the fork" letter soon.

If you get a thank you note at all. Lately, it seems this is a thing of the past, too. (I rode DH's butt because he never sent thank yous for graduation gifts he received, etc. That just drives me crazy!!) It's not even that I want somebody to say "thank you", as much as it is a personal courtesy to the gift giver. I've given a couple of gifts via ordering online, and since I don't get thank you notes, I'm not sure the people even received the gift!