What is a parent's responsibility to their child....

[PrincessFiona]

Sally,

My mom didn't let me work during the school year during highschool either ... they didn't want me to get sidetracked and start 'needing' the new clothes and other 'necessities' that would be affordable to me once I started drawing a paycheck, I think...and they wanted me to focus on school. I worked summers though from the time I was 14 in order to afford the extras that I wanted....and that taught me quite a bit.

I worked during college and my grades plummeted because I...got a credit card at the same time too and my "needs" kept getting me deeper into debt. Once I quite working and concentrated on school my grades were good.

kris

[Flynn]

I was one of the people lucky enough to NEVER have student loans. My parents also said they would pay my education until I got married...since I didn't mary "early" that worked for me.

I want to do the same for my children. It's one of the best investments you can make with regard to their future!

I guess that in response to how the post is titled -- as a responsibility to a child -- I would say none. I'm thinking of friends whose divorced parents just sort of pointed at each other at the question of who pays for college (since at over 18 years old, there wasn't a legal responsibility unless it had been agreed to with the divorce). BUT, I think it is a great gift to your kids if you can do it.

DH and I are both very lucky to have no undergrad loans. His mom was determined and made quite an effort to find opportunities to bring in extra income and make sure his college was paid for him and his sib. Med school tuition was paid for by loans (despite his dad's claims for having paid it ), living expenses by my income. As much as his loan bill about makes me choke, I know it could be a lot more.

I paid for my books and spending money and guess I would do something similar with my kids. I think it was important to have some financial stake in it. I did better in school when I was working part-time. We hope to save enough with the 529 plans for a public university but I'm not sure if we will have enough to cover private at the outset.

At 18, the locks change, the mail gets forwarded to an undisclosed PO Box and the phone will be changed to an unpublished number....

Ok, not really, Drew will be taking care of us at 18 with that mulit-million dollar baseball deal that he just signed straight out of high school. Colton will then graduate with honors but instead of college will go from high school into the NBA.....wait, I am confusing the posts, I thought that this was the dream lifestyle post....sorry. We will probably pay as much as we can for their school.....they will have to earn their own beer money though.

[Meenah]

I guess we are the ones there now. Ours is a blended family with it's own unique problems. My ex-husband and I pay for our girls 50/50. My husband pays for his kids 100%. Amy went to college 2 years and quit. Now she is working full time and back in school (Nursing). Caroline is in school full time, worked two jobs all summer to save for extras. My stepdaughter just graduated and finished a one year masters program and has her first job (EVER). My stepson goes to college full time and has NEVER HAD A JOB. Remember my whining this past summer? Needless to say there are some issues here, but I can say that my kids know the value of the $$$$. I am also in graduate school and I put my tuition on a credit card Honest, I really did. We are on the tuition roller coaster and it sucks. I am just hoping it will all be OK in the end.
Luanne

[houseelf]

Luanne,

Thanks so much for sharing this. I felt like I was the miser here by stating that I would really, really try to pay in state tuition and room and board, but probably not more. I think that there is something to be said for making the child a partner in financing their education through work, scholarships, loans, and grants. I applied to hundreds, and I do mean hundreds of scholarships throughout college and I had to fill out the FAFSA and talk to the financial aid officer. A PITA at the time, but it made me more responsible for my education.

This thread has got me thinking. While I absolutely want my kids to go to college, I think that it is important to be careful about shoving it down a kid's throat: "You WILL go to college, it is the ONLY way to be successful". I know lots of people who 1) screwed around and wasted money in college and, if they were lucky enough to earn a degree 2) have credentials in a field which they aren't sure that they want to be in. I also know people who worked hard and smart and are successful in their own right without the benefit of college education.

It is a catch 22, while you can't afford to get an education, you can't afford to NOT get an education. College is an awesome experience and a life long credential, but it should be done for the right reasons. In other words, if I have a kid on the fence I'll encourage them to defer their admission for the year and work hard and have rich experiences until they get a taste of the real world outside of academia.

Kelly

[DCJenn]

Kelly-

That's why I'm so in favor of the year off concept (or three or four). My brother went straight to college and was soooo not ready for it. It took him like 6 years+ a DWI to get his act together.

I was chomping at the bit to get away from high school- he reveled in it. If anyone could have used a few years to mature a bit, it would have been my brother.

I hope Nikolai wants to do something other than follow the herd. Of course, w/ me as his psycho mom, the herd will probably be strangly appealing.

Jenn

[Auspicious]

This thread has got me thinking. While I absolutely want my kids to go to college, I think that it is important to be careful about shoving it down a kid's throat: "You WILL go to college, it is the ONLY way to be successful". I know lots of people who 1) screwed around and wasted money in college and, if they were lucky enough to earn a degree 2) have credentials in a field which they aren't sure that they want to be in. I also know people who worked hard and smart and are successful in their own right without the benefit of college education.

I agree. My husband and I have agreed that college isn't mandatory in our house either, for just the reasons you've stated. I do think college is highly probable for them though.

[SueC]

I absolutely agree with you guys about not all kids being ready for college right out of high school (and maybe never). My sisters both pissed my parents money away the first couple years of college--they just weren't mature enough to take it seriously. That's why I have the stipulation that I won't pay for a kid to go if they aren't making decent grades. My in-laws made the same problem with their youngest son. They initially sent him to KU, and gave him several chances while he sat around in his apartment smoking and watching TV. Years later, they sent him to an Associates program (a really expensive one) in Seattle, and now he works in a door and window factory there. They totally wasted their money on him, he would have been better off pursuing a trade or working his way up with some company.

(this is showing my pinko roots)

I think everyone, upon leaving HS, should be required to spend one year in a civilian or military program.

Stuff like what FDR did with the Civilian Conservation Corps, like Americorps.

Spending a year away from academics and off focusing on yourself would be very productive imo.

[Sheherezade]

DH and I are saving money to help our kids get started in adult life. Most likely, the expenses will be educational. However, we are both open to the idea that college may not be the right choice for them - right away. I'd be willing to do a small business loan or help them with housing costs as well. College is the right choice for many career paths, but not always. I have to wait and see what my kids turn out like. As someone who has taught Ivy league freshman......believe me, some of that tuition money is wasted.

DH's parents were of the "if you don't go to college you're an embarassment to us" mentality. Think there has to be some middle ground. I wouldn't support my 19 yo hangin' in the basement and playing video games all day but I also wouldn't want them to feel worthless for not going to college (or deferring it for a year or two). My SIL did go to and graduate from college but this definitely had a long term effect on her.

[Vishenka69]

Considering how hypothetical kids are in our future... I think I'd make college education mandatory (without shoving it down their throats though), but would also support all kinds of study-abroad programs, internships, etc. I also believe in only paying for tuition (including room&board) and books, everything else is up to them. That's how my parents were and I was perfectly fine with that. Even DH who was pre-med had work-study jobs that allowed us to go out and take nice vacations. I also agree with only paying for only undergrad, anything beyond that they can handle themselves.

We went to a birthday party recently and I felt like the most under-educated person there because I only had an undergrad degree.

[Rapunzel]

Some of my opinions are very similar to Kelly's.

My husband and I both had to provide a means for our living and educational expenses during undergrad. Neither of us is bitter about that experience. If anything, it made both of us much more appreciative of money, education, and hard work.

Since we are going a more "unique" education route with the kids I envision their transition to college a bit different than the norm. My husband began college at the age of 16 and I'd like all of my kids in some sort of undergrad degree program by that age. I've told all of my children that once they hit the age of 14 they get to start directing their own educations. They may choose to attend high school full-time, part-time (as is done with many extra-curricular activities in some states such as MA), enroll in a community college, go to the TAMS program (what their dad did), or enroll in a regular university degree program (one near home). Academically they will be ready at that time for those choices and my husband and I both agree that 14 is the age when people can and should begin making decisions about their own futures (and, acting on those decisions). The limiting factors will be: They must receive an undergraduate degree of some sort. After that they are free birds in my opinion.

Sooooo, that means we may be paying in some ways for the kids' educations. For instance, if my child begins taking community college classes while living at home at the age of 15 I will most certainly be paying for those classes. Of course, a child living at home is going to be subject to a great deal of oversight academically and socially therefore I think there is less of a threat of that child "partying" through that year of college. If my kids go the traditional "go-to-college-at-18" route I'm thinking my husband and I are going to make them responsible for at least a portion of their expenses. On one hand I do want them to focus on meeting their academic goals but on the other hand I do not want them to get too comfortable in their living standards. A bit of deprivation never hurt anybody in my opinion.

Now, something I have decided is *if* any child of mine has children while he/she or his/her spouse is still in school then we will support them financially in any way we possibly can. When little children (my grandchildren to be exact!) get factored into the equation I am going to throw as much money as necessary around. If it means I pay for my grandchildren's medical needs, food, and clothing (as well as beds to sleep in, a safe car for their mother to drive them around in), etc, then so be it. Adults should be expected to work hard, make sacrifices, and do whatever it takes. But, kids - that's another thing entirely. Children should not suffer if their parents are still in grad school. I would help my kids out financially for the sake of my own grandchildren, most definitely.

Jennifer