Feeling a little insecure

[GrayMatterWife]

as someone who appears before federal judges frequently, federal law clerks are among the most important people in my world

I (((heart))) you!

[HeyMeganZ]

This is EXACTLY what my husband told me when we started dating (he did not want to date someone like him, he did not want to be with anyone in medicine) and I tell him (jokingly) that I love him despite his profession.

Somedays I do feel like no matter how stressful my day is though, he has a hard time being sympathetic to what I am going through since it's not 'saving lives' but usually things are pretty good.

I'm glad I'm not alone on this...SO says that he likes how my life is completely different from his, which is great. I guess I just feel that way sometimes because I don't necessarily know where my career is headed. Sometimes when people ask me what I want to do, I feel like a five year old: I wanna be an elephant trainer/writer/puppy lover/marine biologist/Barbie collector

[JDAZ11]

I'm a lawyer.

Lawyers are like cops and dentists. No one likes us until they need us, then they want the absolute best.

Lawyers make the practice of medicine in our country possible. There is no way that the business world (and medicine is a BUSINESS) could function without rules (protecting the DOCTORS, too--which doctors who bitch endlessly about malpractice suits often fail to recognize).

I totally agree. I've been surrounded by doctors since we moved (we simply don't know many other people here). So I've been the butt of quite a few jokes (more than usual), and lately have felt like it isn't a crowd pleasing profession. Lawyers are absolutely important, I certainly didn't mean that they weren't! (in fact I'd be honored if someone would let me be one at the moment!) Sorry if it came off that way!

BTW GrayMatterWife FWIW I think you sound like a superhero - and in fact make me feel more intimidated than my DF! I am in awe that you are able to balance three kids and job clerking for a fed judge while your husband is away. That can't be easy! I don't think I would have had the guts to even entertain that idea!

I commend those of you in the legal profession-lawyers are absolutely necessary, especially in this country, and it's a damn shame that a few bad seeds cause so many people to generalize. And I agree with JDAZ, GrayMatterWife, I would not be able to juggle all that you've got going on!

[GrayMatterWife]

I get that a lot--credit for being a "supermom" or whatever. I i always tell people, "Super is easily mistaken for an enormous amount of productive mediocrity." i think it is always interesting to look at someone else's life and think, " How does she/he do it?!". I feel that way a lot when I look at people who work menial jobs to support their families. The kind of work that is unstimulating, unrewarding, and poorly paying. How the hell do you do that? Get up every day, six or seven days a week, and work several shifts or several jobs a day, with no prospect of serious improvement jn your situation. When I lived in Laredo, I knew many families like that. Teetering on poverty, stretched to the max. But on the flip side, many were some of the happiest people I've ever known. They were proud of their families and deeply committed to the community and their faith. And they never acted like they wanted for anything. I learned so much about how to live a meaningful life that year.

My life is ridiculously easy and privileges and I should remember that when I feel sorry for my "plight" of not achieving 100% of self-actualization or whatever!

[diggitydot]

I commend those of you in the legal profession-lawyers are absolutely necessary, especially in this country, and it's a damn shame that a few bad seeds cause so many people to generalize.

So much word. A lot of our friends are JD/MD couples and the JD peeps do some really fascinating, important work. One of my closest longtime friends has been the CFO of a couple NFPs and has facilitated an amazing amount of vital services for her various communities.

[Liisi]

To answer the question of whether I feel a little insecure: I didn't even dare click on this forum, because it's called "Education and Career," and I have no career!

Yes, there are times when I feel insecure, for many reasons -

1) My SO is a doctor, and thus a professional, whereas I'm such a goofball by comparison. She's so graceful and "put together," whereas I hula-hoop in a Wonder Woman T-shirt, wear mismatched socks and crazy multi-colored dresses over jeans, take trapeze classes with my circus freak friends, and drink herbal tea concoctions out of mason jars. She's only been practicing medicine (post-residency) for 8 months now, and we have yet to attend a work-related function together... can I successfully masquerade as an adult?? Even just wearing dress pants and a cardigan twin set makes me feel like I'm in a Halloween costume. [I'm probably exaggerating with all of this. I don't actually come across like a 10-year-old, but that's what I FEEL like inside sometimes].

2) I don't have a career and don't really want one. Between the ages of 15 and 30, I worked with young children non-stop (in a variety of roles - nanny, Early Intervention Specialist, infant/toddler teacher, mentor to foster kids, etc.), and then got burnt out and quit. Ever since, I've been piecing together part-time/odd jobs, such as helping a local guy with outdoor work (I learned to drive a tractor! Wheee!), dog-sitting, grant-writing (that was short lived), and stenography. I make very little money. I'm now in transition, working only 5-10 hours a week as a stenographer, trying to figure out how to fill the rest of my time. My values are women's rights, helping children, and protecting the Earth, so it's important to me to do meaningful work (even if it's volunteer!!) in those areas. Thus, I've been volunteering with the local women's crisis center, and I will hopefully soon be helping my friend homeschool her son a few hours a week, and I do online environmental activism... AND I spend a lot of time at home doing the household stuff that my SO doesn't have time to do, like the cooking, cleaning, keeping track of bills, taking care of the dog, etc. So my logical brain is satisfied with what I do and knows that it's important, BUT there are still times when I feel insecure (and guilty - they often go hand in hand) for not contributing more, financially.

3) My SO works a gazillion hours a week, and sometimes I feel guilty for not having that much work, as stupid as that sounds. e.g. on weekends, when she is spending hours and hours writing notes, I feel guilty for reading a book or taking a bath, like I "should" instead be vacuuming the kitchen or weeding the garden or calling a Senator! I know, I have ISSUES!! I've struggled with irrational guilt for years.

4) Several members of my SO's family are not so thrilled about our relationship. They always assumed she would partner with A) another professional, and B) A MAN. Instead, there's me. This makes her family confused, at best (her older relatives refer to me as her "friend"), and some of them are downright homophobic and disapproving. They would never be rude to my face, but they will call her and ask her why in the world she's with me, and express concern about her bringing me to family holiday gatherings, because "What will the cousins think." I try to brush it off, but honestly, it's the first time in my life I've experienced such homophobia (guess I've been lucky), and it makes me feel bad. Most of her family members are "trying," but still.

[Meenah]

Liisi, I am so sorry that your SO's family feels that way. I can only imagine how hurtful it must feel to both of you. They sound like they would find something wrong with anyone (male or female). My advice to my daughters whenever someone irrationally makes comments, etc. "Eff em, hold your head high and carry on"!!!!!

[MrsK]

To answer the question of whether I feel a little insecure: I didn't even dare click on this forum, because it's called "Education and Career," and I have no career!

. . .

4) Several members of my SO's family are not so thrilled about our relationship. They always assumed she would partner with A) another professional, and B) A MAN. Instead, there's me. This makes her family confused, at best (her older relatives refer to me as her "friend"), and some of them are downright homophobic and disapproving. They would never be rude to my face, but they will call her and ask her why in the world she's with me, and express concern about her bringing me to family holiday gatherings, because "What will the cousins think." I try to brush it off, but honestly, it's the first time in my life I've experienced such homophobia (guess I've been lucky), and it makes me feel bad. Most of her family members are "trying," but still.

FWIW, I'm the moderator of the Education and Career forum and I have been an unemployed SAHM since March 2011 -- that is since BEFORE I became the moderator of this forum. Mine was a very sudden and undesired change of status due to the collapse of a national law firm in which I spent 13 years working my way up to Partner. Talk about feeling insecure! It's okay to feel insecure about your work or lack thereof. Heck, even when I was earning 80% of our household income, I felt insecure about my contribution to our family. I suspect a lot of women feel that way. We grew up in the "you can have it all" generation and were blindsided when we discovered that we couldn't have it all at once. Personally, I think your life as an Activist Housewife is fantastic. No need to feel insecure about posting in the "Education and Careers" forum.

As for your ILs, I'm sure that there as a homosexual couple you have obstacles that heterosexual couples do not. It's just the nature of being a small minority living in a majority culture. I hope that you understand that I'm coming from a place of empathy and not attempting to diminish your complaint when I say that many of us are struggling with in-laws that are less-than-happy with us. Personally, I was everything my ILs could have possibly hoped for in a DIL and I probably have more MIL conflicts than anyone in iMSN. (MILK is notorious around here.) I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone and we "get" it. It's not about you, it's about them.

[diggitydot]

I'm sorry, but her family can blow it out their asses unless and until they can embrace you as the new family member that you are.

Quite a few of us don't have our own careers, myself included. I don't see it as a big deal. We all have our own gigs and I think it is all sorts of awesome how passionately you feel about yours. The work you do, volunteer or not, is as crucial and important as your SO's. Pay doesn't equal worth.

It's not weird for two polar opposite personalities to find in each other what they wish they had more of in themselves. I actually think that is probably pretty common. When priority lists are stacked in the same manner and you value similar things, relationships tend to work in one way or another, regardless of divergent professions/work/style/mannerisms/etc.

[Momo]

ITA w/ what she said!!!! again...I'm with Diggity
BTW I just adore the visualization(of yourself) that you provided for us!!

[niener]

Pay doesn't equal worth.

This. And I admit this is a "Do as I say, not as I do" situation because I'm guilty of feeling this way all the time. It's hard. When you've been conditioned to equate money with success as we are, it's hard.

And big, big hugs on the family not being accepting thing. While I'm not the "wrong" gender, I am the "wrong" race. Family issues seem to run rampant around here anyway, so at least you're in good company there

[diggitydot]

Family issues seem to run rampant around here anyway, so at least you're in good company there

So much word. Some of us have a metric shit ton of stupid in-law stories. Stick around. You'll hear them.

[Liisi]

Thank you so much, Luanne, MrsK, Diggity, Momo, and Niener... it feels good to have support from caring people who get it.

In terms of SO's family disapproving of our relationship, the irony is, our relationship is so wonderful, they have no idea. My SO and I are incredibly happy and in love, and we're so good to and for each other. We're kind and loving to each other and communicate well, and have only had one fight in the two years we've been together. During that fight, we both felt hurt, and cried, and raised our voices. A couple hours later, SO told me that during our fight, she was thinking about how she still loves me even when we're angry at each other, and she wanted to say "And I love you" at the time, but didn't, because it would've been a weird thing to say in the middle of a fight. And it made me smile, because I felt the same way - even while fighting, I loved her, and knew we'd be okay. Several times a week (maybe every day?), we acknowledge - out loud, to each other - how lucky we are to have each other and how grateful we are to be together. So I wish her family could just be happy that we're happy. I think they just haven't spent enough time with us yet, getting to know me, and getting to know me and SO as a couple.