What were your PARENTS' dreams for you? Your dreams for your children?

[diggitydot]

What were your PARENTS' dreams for you? Your dreams for your children?

Yes indeed. They are betrothed. I need to arrange for my son's nuptials. Wendy, care to give me a daughter-in-law? Thanks for the votes of confidence.

The only girl in the family that he wouldn't want to kill is DD2. She's the logical Vulcan of the brood, is a math and engineering nerdlet, but is likely too young for Ryan. She won't be in HS until next year.

DD1 would drive R batshit crazy. Very artsy, non-linear with thought processes all over the place. Oh, and she's into girls, so unless he's cool with bi-sexual girlfriends, that could be the deal killer. She already lost one BF because he couldn't handle that she liked both.

[GrayMatterWife]

I am a huge disappointment to my parents because I have four children (too many…who DOES that anymore, dear?!), am married a doctor (he's never here and is self-absorbed about his career!), am married to a neurosurgery (why did you "let him" do this?), am "too religious" (you know, the kind of person that is religious somewhere other than church on Sundays…it is all so unseemly…), and I work outside the home while married to a doctor.

Whatever. They mean well. They have a comfort zone: their experience. So, if only I had chosen their paths and made all their mistakes and turned out like them, then they'd be happy.

I love them dearly. I ignore their disappointment. I am 40 and I have been out of their house since I was 16. If they don't like how I turned out, that is their problem, not mine.

[GrayMatterWife]

My dream for my children is not to make the mistakes I made and to love and know God.

I don't think that is a certified college major, though.

[WolfpackWife]

My parents wanted us to go to college, be able to support ourselves, and be happy. My dad didn't go to college and my mom got an associate's degree, so they both emphasized a college education. Even though my dad is an extremely successful business owner, he had some reservations about himself because he's not "educated", and I have always felt badly about that. He can't fully be proud of himself and his accomplishments, the worth of his business, the 30+ year impact he's made in his industry in our hometown area, the homes he's paid for for his family, the experiences his has given and continues to give his wife and kids, and the ways in which he's alleviate so many worries from his wife and children because he is insecure about not having gone to college (my opinion, but as I get older the more I see this as being true). He is extremely humble and generous - two qualities that I have learned from him - but his humility does descend deeper into insecurity I to some extent, I think.

My mom was a SAHM from the time I was born and now with one remaining parent in an very feeble state, still has something to "take care of" every day - other than household stuff. She talks a lot about what she wants to do when her mother is no longer around but lacks the confidence to think she's worthwhile in the workplace - even if it were just something fun like a bookstore.

I know my parents are very proud of me - especially on the cusp of completing graduate school, and in that respect I've exceeded their expectations. They never had one field or job they wanted for me, and I bounced around in childhood from wanting to be a vet, pediatrician, teacher, etc. When I settled on English in undergrad, they were happy and felt it was fitting. I don't think they strongly considered the implications of how I was pigeon holing myself in the job market. They are much more optimistic now that I have a graduate degree. As for my marriage, they completely adore my husband and he's a part of our family. They never expressed any opinions on who I should marry (other than one former boyfriend who I know they were glad I got rid of), but I do think they have grown concerned in the past few years with the climate of medicine being what it is. They are learning with me about what to expect from a medical marriage and they aren't thrilled with the ways in can potentially limit us and the ways in which it has already limited and isolated us. They aren't thrilled with how much I'll be alone, with how different our children's experience may be from my own experience as a child. That said, they express the utmost faith in DH to be as dedicated a father and husband as he can be while still being a doctor and most of the time, I feel like that is something he can definitely do. My mom is especially surprised to learn the ways in which DH's career can and will affect me adversely, as she didn't really witness these issues watching her sister go through an EM residency with my uncle. Their medical journey will be worlds different than ours, and my mom operated under the impression given off by my aunt's experience which was fairly benign and not traumatic.

My mom feels disappointed that I'm not religious, but my dad is sort of there with me. My mom was brought up Catholic and my dad sort of went along with that. We were raised more superstitious and habitual Catholics rather than truly involved Catholics. We went through the motions of various rites of passage, CCD, etc., but religion/God was never a topic of conversation in our house. I think my mom considers herself to be spiritual, but her involvement in Catholicism was much more habitual and driven by guilt. I think her parents went about Catholicism the wrong way, and as a result so did she - but it was a product of the environment in which they were raised. Church/Catholicism was something that was guilt-ridden and threatening. It wasn't warm or understanding or flexible. To have become completely disenchanted with the church is something that has happened to her and each of her siblings. But because I am not religious at all - almost identifying myself as atheist but not quite there - I think she feels disappointed and like that is a way in which she failed me, but also understands because she doubts a lot too.

For my own children I'd wish graduate education and happiness. That's about all I can say right now. I also hope to raise them in a way so that insecurities doesn't impact their lives as much as they have mine. I mentioned some of my dad's insecurities above, but my mom and her sister have instilled in me and my cousin some very deeply-seated body image issues...something they learned from their mom/my grandmother. Insecurity and self-doubt were just part of who my mom and aunt were/are, and I see how that affects me in adulthood. I want to avoid that for my children, while still being able to impart on them the importance of humility and generosity (among other things).

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I waited a long time to respond to this thread because I wanted to think long and hard about what I want for my kids to be able to articulate it.

My parents wanted us to be Successful, capital S. In particular my dad, I killed myself to get into his alma mater, be a varsity athlete while there, and then get a killer Successful job after college. He doesn't seem any happier with me so I guess that was a fail.

I think they also wanted us to be "happy" in the vague sense that some parents have where happy is defined as "does not annoy me, presents well to my friends, has lovely grandkids that I can brag about but don't have to get sticky with". So, yeah, I'm not huge on the sweeping "happy" statement.

For my kids, I want but know I have much less control over these things than I'd like to admit:
-For them to have a personal relationship with Jesus as their professed Lord and Savior
-For the above relationship to make them radically generous financially and interpersonally in accepting their and others' flaws
-For them to be in close, loving relationship with their father and I and each other
-For them to have close family friends (e.g. the whole family is friends and grow up together)
-For them to spend significant time in their childhoods living missionally serving alongside us (hopefully overseas)
-To find spouses who also love the Lord and to get to be parents since they are my greatest blessing
-To go and do whatever God asks them to do whether rich, poor, Successful, or not because I do truly believe that will make them happy

[moonlight]

I am a huge disappointment to my parents because I have four children (too many…who DOES that anymore, dear?!), am married a doctor (he's never here and is self-absorbed about his career!), am married to a neurosurgery (why did you "let him" do this?), am "too religious" (you know, the kind of person that is religious somewhere other than church on Sundays…it is all so unseemly…), and I work outside the home while married to a doctor.

Whatever. They mean well. They have a comfort zone: their experience. So, if only I had chosen their paths and made all their mistakes and turned out like them, then they'd be happy.

I love them dearly. I ignore their disappointment. I am 40 and I have been out of their house since I was 16. If they don't like how I turned out, that is their problem, not mine.

They just might be the only grandparents I know that are disappointed about having MORE grandkids. Gezzzz people! Your not raising them, all ya gotta do is love them.