career interfering with marriage

I'm hoping I can get some insight into my current situation. DH is a fourth year, which means that we have no idea where we will be next year. The match is in March, so assuming that I get a head start to whatever city we end up in, I still have 7 months left in my current job, not enough time to find a new job in my field, which are scarce to begin with around here. The problem is that I'm miserable at my job, and 7 months seem like an eternity! The worst part is that I can't help but blame DH just a little for my situation. It's starting to affect our relationship, which I value above any job or career.
What would you do? Stick it out with my job and chalk it up to one more sacrafice I need to make for his career, but potentially hurt our relationship? Quit and do nothing for 7 months to the disapproval of DH? Quit and get an hourly job to pay the bills?
My job has been getting progressivly worse over the past year, so this is actually nothing very new. But up until recently I had the wedding to plan which was a good distraction. Now I feel stuck! Help!

[DCJenn]

Many of us in the career track have faced this issue. I was stuck in a job where 1) I knew embezzlement from families and my clients had taken place, 2) My boss and I and another guy did all of the investigation and 3) the Board of Directors FIRED my boss. Needless to say, I sure knew my days were numbers. (and all of the other employees thought of me as the narc, which I was, but dear god, $12,000 was missing!!! From a dead retarded girl. That's some seriously bad ju-ju.) I stuck it out because I didn't know how long it was going to take to find a job where we were going.

We also had the benefit of the military telling people in December where they've matched. I started sending resumes, pronto and eventually found a job before he graduated. I started and then flew home for the wedding, graduation stuff.

The last time, we found out in March that he had been accepted into the fellowship. I again started sending resumes, pronto. We also knew that the job market in DC was better than in TX so we weren't too concerned. As it was I ended up finding a job that required weekly travel so it didn't matter where I lived. (dream set up for medical spouses that's for sure)

This time, because we needed to find day care for Nikolai first, we moved here, then we found day care. I had sent some resumes prior to moving but it was the ones that I sent once we got here that I had the responses from.

If it's going to make you miserable to stick it out for seven months, then give yourself a deadline- make a budget and say, quit by the end of the year. That way you're not plunging yourself into massive debt but you get a break before you move. (not a bad idea, ever.) and believe me, if you go back through the archives and the old issues of the magazine, the moving articles should be enough to convince you that you need at least a month or two to prep for a big move, especially if you have to do it yourselves.

Jenn

These are just some general thoughts as I don't remember reading about your current job or what some of your plans are. So, these thoughts may not apply.

* If what your doing is unpleasant (but not dangerous or making you physically ill), and ultimately at least on paper it can be parlayed into work experience in your chosen field (at a better position) in your next location, I'd think long and hard about staying put.

* I think the March deadline is not so clear cut. It is an important date if you find out you're staying put and at that point you still have a job. Then, you've not only got the experiences, references and a paycheck but have the luxury of being able to network in person in your city.

* If however, you find you're moving in March, I don't know that I'd recommend turning your resignation letter the day after the match. Sure, you'd be moving (in three months from that date but would you lose your references from the current job if they felt like you could have held on at least until May?)

If that is the case then I would say at that point go two more months, collect your pay, finish up your projects / get a strong reference while you work on long-distance networking for the new position -- and take May off for the packing / relaxation / and the freedom to travel back and forth for interviews at the next location.

And such a general plan keeps the gap in your work history at a bare minimum. I think if you walk out in March (without a job lined up at your next location), you might be making your job search at the new location significantly tougher. What if it takes the first two months to get some solid interviews at the new location? Then, at the time of those interviews, you would have almost a half year hiatus from work. It might raise red flags.

* Some future employers might already feel like they'd be taking a little more of a risk hiring someone who may leave after his/her spouse finishes residency. I'm not saying that's a logical way for them to approach their hiring but it's a possible reality. Couple that with the stereotypes (again not fair) that might exist with some persons' views of "dawkters wives" -- independent of you or the realities of resident pay and you may encounter something like this line of thinking. "Hmnnn, she's been out of the workforce for almost half a year even though they just moved here. She probably doesn't even need to work since her hubby is a doctor -- and they'll probably move on soon anyway."

As you can see, I'm pretty cautious and conservative on this front. I will say that I wouldn't stand behind what I wrote if you're talking about a situation where you were physically threatened or feeling physically ill because of your job. And I'm not trying to be funny either. The only job I ever walked out on without another lined up was as a long-term subsitute teacher. I was physically threatened by a drug addicted parent and I never returned. I realized I had never signed a formal contract with the school (lax on paperwork) but the real issue was my safety. Luckily, I was working again three days later.

Kevin makes some great points. I agree with him re: the benefits of sticking it out and the "dawkter's wife" stereotype/concerns about moving again.

I have been stuck in that kind of job before....have you considered quitting and looking for a job through a temp agency? I was able to work as a secretary for over $20/hr, which isn't too bad.....or, could you take a course or two at a university in addition to working full or part-time in order to make yourself an even better candidate for your next position in your new city?

Also, could you and your hubby narrow down the cities to which he will be applying? That's what we did--we only chose 3 cities, and he applied to all programs in those cities, so at least we knew approximately where we were going and we decided together.

Thanks for all the advice. I have thought about a temp job, and I should look into it a little more. The problem with Madison is that the city is full of overeducated people taking jobs they are overqualified for, i.e. the entry level ones I need. Madison is also the state capitol, so whenever the state does a bunch of layoffs, that puts more ppl in competition for jobs.
I started my degree in interior design in 1999, when everything was great with the economy and companies actually valued what designers contributed. When I graduated in 2003, it had done a 180! It took a LOT of work to get the gig I have now, and like I said, it's not that super. I guess all this contributes to my cynicism about jobs in general
DH and I have talked about what cities we are most interested in; however, it's a mix between large and medium sized cities. A large city (Chicago or NYC) would give me some great opportunities to advance in my career; a mid or small sized city would mostly be jobs in furniture stores...nothing against them, but it would be a step in the wrong direction.
I think what contributes the most to my dissatisfaction is the feeling that I'm not in control of my future. If I was at my current job solely b/c I really wanted to be here, it would be a completly different story. It's all in my head I guess

[SuzySunshine]

Sarah, its not all in your head. When I moved to CA to be near DH when he was in medical school I took a job I really enjoyed with a great company, I was very lucky. When we moved here I was not as lucky, the market here for jobs are slim - you either work for Mayo or IBM or you work for one of the small companies that are here because of them. It is very much an old boys club town and because so few residents wives work the scuttlebutt is why hire a residents wife when they'll probably just have kids and stay home in a few years. With that said it took a lot of work on my part to find the job I have, which I don't love but its manageable. I won't lie and say that I don't look elsewhere on a regular basis because I do and someday I'd like to make a switch. I don't know what I'm getting at I guess. I have an MBA, I feel like I could be doing a lot of differnet things if we were anywhere else but we're here because this is the BEST program for my husband and a great community for our future kids.

Unfortunately when we marry a doctor still in the training stages we are slaves to their career at some level, some worse than others. Hang in there, but at the same time you have to do what is healthy for yourself.

So I'm confused about one thing here....why mention that your DH is in medicine at all?

I have never mentioned this at any interview, I guess I'm confused as to why it would come up. If it does come up, why not just say he's in healthcare and leave it at that? I wouldn't imply in any way that he is an actual Dr. or that I was moving for his career or might only be in that area for a few years--why bring that stuff up?

[planet]

Badger,

I have also been in your situation. I stayed at a job I was not happy with for two years because we needed the money and it was great for my resume. I opted to stay at home full time so the next step in my case was simpler. In your case, and having now gone through the match process myself, I'd say that if you can stand the job with distractions, and laying out the future with your employer won't hurt your job, then I would go ahead and explain how you have little control over where you and your spouse must move (sorry run-on continues ) and you will need the months of November through January to interview for jobs at your many possible destinations. If that flies with your employer then you can travel with your husband, see the choices, do your own interviews etc. It would keep you busy now in updating your resume and picking jobs in all of your potential destinations. It would keep you busy arranging interviews and travelling through winter. In March you would be able to accpet a position when your dh gets his. It *could* be a fun process and just enough to make your job endurable. Just a thought.

[planet]

There is no reason to mention a spouse's career on an interview. It would be helpful to explain to a current employer that you are not leaving your job by choice, but rather being "assigned" via your husband's insane career path mechanism. It makes an employer more sympathetic. I had unrealistically stellar recs when we moved to the med school city. I am still convinced it isn't because of the work I did, but because of the way I handled the parting. I even saved a copy of one of the letters so my kids can find it someday when they are adults and say "Mom, who was this?!" :>

[PrincessFiona]

Also, though it may not be PC, many employers ask point blank...and sometimes can use it to your disadvantage. When an employer says "what does your husband do" and you say "he works in the healthcare field/at the hospital" often the next question is "Oh, what does he do there". Not just employeres...but other people as well.

I often don't 'confess' to other people what dh does. I had the funny experience last summer of talking to another mom who also told me her dh worked at the hospital. We both talked round and round what they did until we finally 'confessed'. We then couldn't help but laugh at ourselves!

kris

That's funny, Kris!

I also don't tell anyone what DH does. The few times it has come out, I've been sorry it did.

But if employers press the issue, which sometimes they do, how should you respond? It really bothers me the comments some people say when they find out, such as "why are you even bothering to look for a job?" (Employers don't say that--peers do.)

Badger,

It sounds like a job in your field (even though it's grating on your nerves now) was hard to obtain in Madison. It also sounds like the market is tight in Madison in regards to finding either a) another job in your field or b) just an entry level job. Not to sound like a broken record, but even if a) or b) was easy to obtain you would still have little time at a) or b) before moving to get a good recommendation at them. Opting for c) taking off completely either now or in March will not only have financial implications but resume gap explaining to do.

I don't know enough about your current job to say when you might want to let your current employer about the very real possiblity of moving this summer. If the possibility of the move is something they already know about, then I would as Janet says try to go on some interviews with your husband to make contacts for yourself.

As to Veggie's question about why they [potential new employers in a different location] would need to know, I'd think it would be difficult to conceal it in an interview. On an informational interview during late fall or early summer, potential employers would be puzzled by a request to chat in person with someone hailing from Madison who is in Atlanta let's say for one day -- who just might move in June to Atlanta -- but maybe not, however she'd find out for sure in March. And saying something like "in healthcare" would almost always (in my experience) be followed up with "what in healthcare?"

I guess when I brought up the problem of the "dawkter's wife" scenario, I brought it up because if those stereotypes are held -- having the "double-whammy" of six months off of work plus "dawkter's wife" might be something to try hard to avoid.

Though it's stressful right now, in some senses moving for residency might in the end be better than staying. If what you have now, relative to your ultimate field aspirations, is the best you can do in town as opposed to an entry level non-related job that may be difficult to find as well, moving might be great.

And I suspect it's difficult for your husband too. It's probably not easy for him to see you unhappy in your job, but he's probably not free to simply/truly say that you guys don't need your salary. And he's probably worried that you'd be shooting yourself in the foot before your move if you dropped the most closely related job to your field in Madison for either no pay and an employment gap or a entry level job with pay that means you would forgo field-specific recommendations for your next job search. Sorry for :chat:

[DCJenn]

To Dovetail on Kevin's point-

Once your resume is as long as mine is with multiple state-to-state moves, people ask 'so what brings you to_____'. I generally say that my husband is in the military but that has a downside as well (since the military moves people even more than the medical world)

But, it's better than coming across as a flake! (oh, I just like to move back and forth from TX to DC every three years...)

I don't know if you saw my response in the military section but my poor friend is a lawyer and in preparation for moving took the bar in someting like 5 different states. and the Air Force sent them to someplace that was no where on their lists. My point? you can only plan so far ahead.

But only you know your level of misery. I like the time off once you move thing, too. It helped for me to not work for a few weeks once we got here. It made a significant difference in my mental health to not try to manage everything while working full-time, unlike the last two moves.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

So I'm confused about one thing here....why mention that your DH is in medicine at all?

I have never mentioned this at any interview, I guess I'm confused as to why it would come up. If it does come up, why not just say he's in healthcare and leave it at that? I wouldn't imply in any way that he is an actual Dr. or that I was moving for his career or might only be in that area for a few years--why bring that stuff up?

I live in a town of 80,000 where my husband's employer is THE employer in town. If you move into this town and look for a job in the May - August time frame people assume you are married to a resident. I also have several moves on my resume (KS to CO to CA to MN) which are all explained my DH's training so it does come up.

ETA: I don't bring it up unless they ask.