Medical SO Helping Around the House?

Hey all! I'm curious, how much does your medical SO help out at home?

I ask because I sometimes get frustrated with DH. He hardly does anything at home. Granted, he's at work 4-5 hours longer than I am on an average day, but it gets a little annoying when we're home in the evening and he's sitting in front of the TV while I'm busy making dinner, feeding our pets, cleaning up after dinner, and doing anything else that needs done. If I was SAH, I could completely understand his wanting me to do everything, but I work 40+ hours a week and have a 50 minute commute each way. To be fair, he usually does specific things if I ask him to.

I would like DH to do more of the household chores, but I don't blame him for being tired and not in the mood to do *more* work when he gets home in the evening. Should I just accept that being 99% responsible for taking care of the house is a responsibility that comes with the turf when you're married to a med student/doc, or is it reasonable to expect him to pick up some slack at home?

[Meenah]

DH does NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH does NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do I sign up for that?

[SuzySunshine]

I'm a firm beleiver that if you don't nip that in the bud during med school it will only get worse during residency. I work as well and while I cook 90% of the time, he is expected to help when he can. He cooks at least once on weekends that he is off. He takes care of all of the yard and "handyman" projects. He loads and unloads the dishwasher when he notices that it needs to be done most of the time.

He was raised by a mother that was a SAHM but she still taught him it was not a free ride. He's really good about helping especially when I come right out and ask.

[Meenah]

The funny thing is I really don't care. He works like a dog in his solo practice. This is a second marriage and it is funny how priorities and concerns change. Also, our kids are all in college and not living with us. I have someone help with the yardwork and the housework gets done when I reach the point that I can't stand it anymore. His tolerance for messiness is infinite!!! When I pass boards and start working I plan to hire someone to help with the inside!!!!!

[Meenah]

I have to add that over the last two years I barely worked and we spent alot of $$$$$ on my tuition to a private school for my Masters/NP. He really is a trooper. Of course I'm obviously not pissed off at him for anything right now!

[Momo]

A recent post about what kind of help do you get or have (provide a link here people)... actually was full of what the SO & their med spouse does as well as what the hired help* does.


* for those that are lucky enough to have it.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Medical SO Helping Around the House?

My DH does nothing around the house in regards to the regular, day-to-day maintenance like chilcare, dishes, cleaning (sweeping, mopping, dusting), cooking, bill-paying, auto maintenance, errands. Nothing. Zero.

However, he gets up at 4:00 AM every day (with the exception of the two days a month he's off), leaves for the hospital at 5:30 AM at the latest, and usually doesn't get home until 9:30 PM. So...

1. It's hard to blame him. He's really, really, really tired and really, really, really hungry all the time. Honey, just warm up the leftovers then go to bed...

2. I feel really sorry for him (but I don't tell him that!).

3. Even if I wanted to pester him into "contributing," it would NEVER get done timely and then I'd be even more pissed than if I'd done it myself.

4. It's not like he really contributes that much to the mess to be cleaned: he's never here!

5. All he wears is scrubs, so I do one load of his clothes a week. Just not enough to feel bitter about.

6. If he spends his "off" time cleaning the house, that cuts into his already limited time with our son. I'll do the dishes, you tuck in the munchkin... the kiddo needs Dad's time more than I need Dad's help.

7. If he spends his "off" time cleaning the house, that just cuts into our already limited sex time. And I'd rather be happy in bed than unhappy sitting in a sparkling kitchen.

8. If I ever do ask him to do anything, he does it, no matter how tired he is. And that means a lot. Especially when it involves cleaning up a dog mess (we have an old dog with a weak bladder...) or killing a big bug in the bathroom.

9. Besides, regardless of whatever it is he does for a living, there's no way I'm letting him be the errand-runner. He'd spend twice as much money as necessary, forget half the errands, and come back to the house with an empty gas tank, a DVD rental of something I refused to see in the theater, and a bottle of pickles (when I sent him out for diapers).

10. He's completely incompetent at housework, anyway, so I'd have to re-do everything, and then I'd just be pissed that BOTH of our evenings were wasted.

Maybe some of this is a little tongue-in-cheek, but in my personal experience, here's the deal: this notation that a marriage is 50-50 is crap. A marriage is 100-100--each person giving it his or her all. Whatever I can do to make his life easier, I try to do. And he tries his best to do the same for me. But the reality is that he will never be able to "carry his weight" during residency, if that is mathematically measurable in terms of time and chore-burdens--so why be bitter about what he can't control? I have decided to look at the positive: his priorities are 100% correct. He doesn't party with the boys, or golf, or gamble in his free time. When he has a second to spare, it goes to our son. If my doing 99.99% of the housework enables that, I can live with the gross disparity.

And be sure to make HIM interview for and hire the housekeeper, the DAY AFTER RESIDENCY ENDS!!

[Michele]

I think the other thread is in a private forum that she doesn't have access to yet.

Russ (monkey) helps out. He's much better at cleaning than I am....I actually rather suck at it....so we also have a cleaning lady come every other week. I sorta keep up with the laundry (we try to do it together with a movie as a 'date')...and I do all of the cooking, about 95% of the child care and he does almost all of the dishes and he does all of the outside work (yard/trash/cars). He also does all of the bills and money. I have almost ZERO idea about what our finances look like. The only thing I know is how much I make b/c I look at my paycheck before I hand it over.

Oh and I work part time and Daegan goes to daycare when I'm at work.

[MDPhDWife]

Wow, I guess I'm a little more spoiled than I thought. Now I feel a little guilty about my occasional complaints.

When I used to work FT, chores were constantly a source of tension between us. I just didn't feel it was fair that if we're both working all day (me at work, him at school) that the burden of housework fall completely on my shoulders. This was discussed in marriage therapy and we worked out a chore lottery. We listed all the chores that need to be done on pieces of paper and every two weeks we drew those papers out of a hat. On a board we would write who's responsible for what so there was no question about it. The reason we'd draw every 2 weeks, is so that if there's a chore one of us particulary hates, we're only stuck with it for 2 weeks before we have the opportunity to draw again. As for cooking, we'd rotate. Whoever cooked, the other person did the dishes. This worked out pretty well for us, but it was exhausting. A lot of times our house was just manageable, never really as clean as I'd preferred.

Now that I'm a SAHM, things are a lot more manageable and there's not really any more quabbling about housework. I do just about all of it since I consider that my FT "job" and there's not so much resentment. DH does the yard work and takes out the trash. I prefer to do the cooking since DH cooks enough food for an army, which causes both of us to over eat and that's not condusive to our weight loss goals. DH a lot of times will load the dishwasher, but not right away. I prefer for it to be done before the dishes pile up in the sink, so if he doesn't get to it right away, I'll do it.

As for the finances, I take care of that completely since that's my background. DH couldn't even tell you how much the mortgage is!

[SuzySunshine]

I will also say that once I'm a SAHM I'm sure I will do most, if not all, of everything. But as long as we're both working, even though I work 40 hours a week and he works 60-80 (no stone throwing please), we both help out.

I agree that each party has to give all they have to marriage and I'm sure if DH was in a harder residency program his contribution would be less.

[DCJenn]

At the moment, he sends his laundry out in Iraq and I suppose he washes out his lone ceramic coffee cup.

It's depressing to only have little boy underwear in the wash...

J.

[Momo]

Pinkpickles suggested:
[quote:97567]A recent post about what kind of help do you get or have (provide a link here people)... actually was full of what the SO & their med spouse does as well as what the hired help* does.

and Michele responded :

I think the other thread is in a private forum that she doesn't have access to yet.

[/quote:97567]

...ahh sorry about that...well at least this time some different members will see this one and respond!

[PrincessFiona]

ummmm.....why is it ok for the sahp to do all of the work?

No offense here, but...as a sahm in the thread....why should I do all of the housework/childwork/cooking/cleaning all day....and all evening....and on all weekends?

Are you guys kidding?

If dh isn't in there helping with laundry/dishes, he KNOWS he is toast.


kris

[samssugarmomma]

Re: Medical SO Helping Around the House?

I have decided to look at the positive: his priorities are 100% correct. He doesn't party with the boys, or golf, or gamble in his free time. When he has a second to spare, it goes to our son.

Wow! I envy your perspective and hope that someday I can get there too!
You are very, very wise!