Medical SO Helping Around the House?

[alison]

I agree with Kris.

The odd thing this month is that I'm working 4 hours per day, Mon - Th. I will actually earn more this month than dh will. As I'm home by afternoon time and working on my dissertation from home, I do most of the stuff around the house as well. Dh knows not to mess with me right now. Things are pret-ty darn good for him.

[Vanquisher]

ummmm.....why is it ok for the sahp to do all of the work?

No offense here, but...as a sahm in the thread....why should I do all of the housework/childwork/cooking/cleaning all day....and all evening....and on all weekends?

Are you guys kidding?

If dh isn't in there helping with laundry/dishes, he KNOWS he is toast.


kris

ITA! DH has to help out as much as he can. Parenting doesn't = all housework. Sorry, I don't buy it. He at least enjoys his job. I loathe housework. I am home for the sake of the family, for this kids, at the necessity his job created. That doesn't delegate me to be the house elf, even though I am far too much of the time.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. He only works like 100 hours a week , so the time when he is home, we both pitch in.

[DCJenn]

I've never bought into the 'he's working harder than me' argument, mostly because during his residency I was on-call, too and I often got called in to work.

Now that I'm working PT, I have more time to do stuff but we also have more stuff that needs to be done. (pool and yard come to mind)

I guess we'll have to figure it all out once he gets back because we hadn't barely unpacked the boxes when he deployed.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

I'm going to have the "luxury" of DH being on easier rotations/research for the next three years so when we do have a little one and I'm a SAHM I will still expect him to help with chores like the yard and the cooking.

He does play golf and whether that decreases or not once there is a little one I guess we'll see but just as I have my hobbies that don't include him why shouldn't he and sometimes we do play together.

I do see my job as a SAHM to also be the laundry, cleaning, etc. but that doesn't mean I won't expect DH to help when he can. Once we're done with training I hope to at least have a house cleaner for hired help so that neither of us have to do the one job we both hate.

Either way, sitting on his arse completely while I'm working or not is not acceptable.

I agree, Kris.

Now that I stay home, I mostly agree that more of the work should fall to me. After all, I'm here! But, when we are both home, there is plenty of work to go around.

Mostly, he does all the laundry. This was our deal since med school and it works. He sorts and washes and then does most folding and putting away (kids sleep through it) though we are starting to have the kids put away their own clothes. I do the sheets and towels because we, uh, have different standards.

I cook, he cleans up. He used to empty the dishwasher but somehow that has fallen by the wayside.

I do all bill and financial stuff and most of the cleaning. We pay someone to mow and we both try to weed. Or we both neglect the weeds. It was pretty bad this spring.

Wow, I'm starting to think that maybe I've been too easy on DH. Perhaps he and I should sit down and work out a better method for getting the household chores done.

[Vishenka69]

We had constant fights when we moved in together. The only workable solution for us was to outsource cleaning. Since I also work full time, we can luckily afford it. It also freed me to take care of other errands while someone else is cleaning and gave us more time to spend together. As of today DH has 2 chores - taking out the garbage (which he does about 90% of the time with continuous reminders) and litter box (which he does 100% since the cat isn't as self-sufficient as me). He'll also occassionally pick up drycleaning and wash dishes.

You have to find the happy medium that will work for you. I get very resentful when I do more than 70% of the housework and rather pay to be a happier wife. Many women don't mind doing almost all and many won't do more than half. Whatever you pick, you need to do it soon.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Medical SO Helping Around the House?

Wow! I envy your perspective and hope that someday I can get there too!
You are very, very wise!

No wisdom here. Just my method of emotional survival. I figure a seven-year-long residency program (plus at least one year of fellowship) is too long to feel sorry for myself and I don't have the energy to be irritated with him for that long. Especially since he's not acting maliciously; his absence is just a necessary biproduct of the job...the job that will NOT last forever!

It helps me a lot to know that, if he could, he really would help. I know he feels badly that all this stuff is on my plate, but I think that he genuinely appreciates everything. Or at least he's not enough of a fool to suggest otherwise.

I agree, Kris.

Now that I stay home, I mostly agree that more of the work should fall to me. After all, I'm here! But, when we are both home, there is plenty of work to go around.

I agree. If he's here, he gets to help. It's not as though I'm just sitting on my backside while he's at work. I'm caring for our children, cooking, cleaning, etc. But that work doesn't fit into a set schedule. Do I set aside half of the maintenance for him? No, but if he's here, I'm not his house elf. He's expected to (and usually does) jump right in.

[Flynn]

I agree, Kris.

Now that I stay home, I mostly agree that more of the work should fall to me. After all, I'm here! But, when we are both home, there is plenty of work to go around.

I agree. If he's here, he gets to help. It's not as though I'm just sitting on my backside while he's at work. I'm caring for our children, cooking, cleaning, etc. But that work doesn't fit into a set schedule. Do I set aside half of the maintenance for him? No, but if he's here, I'm not his house elf. He's expected to (and usually does) jump right in.

During training DH was told to "be a wash" which to us meant -- you are toast if you make MORE work for me while you're home. I did EVERYTHING before we had kids. EVERYTHING. I thought it was complete BS. After children I was tired. I "hit my wall" so to speak. He stepped up after some serious conversations and eventually we had a cleaning person towards the very end of training. That helped out A LOT!!!! IF you can afford it, from my limited experience, I've seen cleaning people improve marriages A GREAT DEAL -- and it's way cheaper than therapy.

Currently I do most household stuff. DH helps with dishes, fix it stuff, and takes the trash and recycling out 98% of the time. I prefer to do the laundry. His folding skills are horrible and it makes more work for me if he does it.

If he's here -- he helps out a little. That's all I need now. The kids are SO MUCH easier than they were a year ago so I have time for "me" now I didn't have before without having a babysitter.

I'm a bit of a neat freak -- so I don't mind the light cleaning I have to do in between the cleaning lady. I'm not stressed out and overtired from DH being gone all the time during training, and I love our house and want to take care of it.

So that's us...

[spotty_dog]

Now that I stay home, I'm more on top of some things (laundry was always his chore before, and the kitchen would get cleaned about weekly but now I at least swipe it down daily; I vacuum every other day now the baby crawls on the hairy floor) and less on top of others (bathrooms used to be a weekly chore, now I'm lucky if I can shake off my little "helper" once a month to do the toilets).

There was a time when I would be offended if DH pitched in to do any of the housework I saw as "mine", but now that I have the boy to watch, I honestly feel like I'm doing my part most days and I thank DH for his contributions when he has the time and energy to work around the house. He's so organized that he always has a home project on deck, especially months like these where he's in the ED and has a really light schedule to boot (13 shifts all month!)

[GrayMatterWife]

[quote="Flynn"][quote="Genivieve"][quote="cupcake"]

you are toast if you make MORE work for me while you're home. quote]

Right!! Every so often, I'll look at my DH in complete exasperation and yell, "Look, I'm not asking you to proactively make my life easier...just stop making it HARDER by thoughtlessness!" He'll do dumb things that make twice as much work for me...!! Like WHY, OH, WHY can't he remember to COVER tomato-sauced based food when he reheats it in the microwave? I had JUST cleaned the microwave when he caused a nuclear accident-equivalent with pasta marinara. I mean: he didn't have to buy the food...he didn't have to cook the food...he didn't have to do the dishes...he didn't have to make the leftovers plate...the LEAST he could do is not make a mess!

Just my little rant...

[MDPhDWife]

By no means did I mean that because I am the SAHP that I do ALL the work. It just means I don't expect to have to do the lottery where we split the chores in half anymore. I do the majority of the housework, but DH does his fair share when he's around. He's got a honey do list of projects like painting, laying tile, mowing the grass in the backyard, taking out the trash, and I'll convince him to mop every now and then since I hate it. On the weekends I tag him in with the kids, and during the week it's his job to bathe them at night and read the bedtime story.

It helps that he's appreciative of the work I do. The girls are getting to an age now where I'm able to get them to help out too. As Dave Ramsey says, "my kids work on commission". We're taking them to Disney World in September and they are responsible for earning their own spending money. So I'm milking that tool for all it's worth now!

As soon as we can possibly swing it to hire some help there's no question we definitely will. Time is money! But I can't see that happening at least for a couple of years.

[mommax3]

During residency, DH totally had a pass. Mostly, he just wasn't there and certainly wasn't making any of the messes. Working an average of 100 hours a week pretty much took him out of the picture, and I can't say it even made me mad. There was NO WAY he could do more than he was doing.
In the six years since he finished residency, it is pretty much both of us doing what we can......and at this point in our lives, there is more than enough for the both of us, plus whatever kid labor I can command. Our house is big, our kids are getting bigger (DS #1 wears man-sized clothes, so our laundry loads have increased in size) and the jobs are just never-ending, especially combined with needing to run kids here and there so that there is NEVER a period of several hours where someone is home to make real progress.
If a spouse is slacking while still in med school, they need a wake-up call unless you want that to be the status-quo for the rest of marriage. Of course there will be times when you cut them slack and take on more than your share, but that should not be the norm unless you are totally okay with that, even when factoring the demands of future children into the picture.

Sally

During residency, DH totally had a pass. Mostly, he just wasn't there and certainly wasn't making any of the messes...If a spouse is slacking while still in med school, they need a wake-up call unless you want that to be the status-quo for the rest of marriage.

OK, honest question, how many hours do students in M3 and M4 usually work? DH works pretty much, I think, for only being a student. This week, for example, he's working just about 80 hrs, and that's been the norm since Christmas. Basically, I feel bad asking him to do more housework when he's working so much and has to study on top of that. I know that residency will be worse, but he's working quite a bit now, too! The way his hospital schedules their med students seems weird to me. When I worked in a hospital, all the students--MD, DO, PA, whatever--worked similar hours, all had to take call, etc. Where DH works, though, only the MD students have to take call. The DOs and PAs get a free pass! Is that the norm?

Regardless, DH certainly makes more than his fair share of the messes around here, so I plan to talk to him about at least cleaning up after himself and probably also doing a few other chores.