Is it bad...

I insinuated that down the road things might be harder, and I might change as a person. So he kind of scolded me... he said "Why would you even think you're going to be a worse person? We have the future so that we can become better people" and he basically told me he didn't want me reading about all the negative stories on here because it's just putting bad thoughts into my head.

Different person does not = worse person. Who of us wants to be the same person we were 10 years ago? Experience changes all of us. Whether your experience will be the same or even similar to anothers is only something that time will tell, but it certianly doesn't mean that someone who acknowledges the changes they've been through is always worse off.

You're absolutely right. I was a completely different person even four years ago when I went into college. I thought I knew it all, but in retrospect I knew very little. I'm sure I will think the same in another four years.

And yes, different does not equal worse, but during our conversation, I wondered if I would become more negative, resentful of his work, and change in that way.

And I also agree that people who change are not always worse off- and if they are worse off it's due to their circumstances. People change and they may become wiser, stronger, more independent, more caring, etc. And they can also change and become bitter, depressed, resentful, or a combination of both.

But my SO doesn't even want me to consider that a possibility. I should only think of becoming a better person. I mean, I'm going to try my hardest, but who knows.

[Gwendolyn]

I think DH is grateful for this site. I found it in a desperate search for something that would connect me to others who were struggling with/living/finding success in this med life. I was so isolated in a new city, no family, no freinds after a truly hellish intern year and married to a man I didn't know any more and didn't like very much. I was in a really bad place and he knew that, but could do little to help. Seriously, just having the opportunity to talk about it with others who understood, instead of others who commented about how I had it made, made a world of difference to me. In months...really...I was able to gain some perspective and and get a grip. It is amazing how much simply knowing that you are with others who understand can make a difference.

(Can you tell I'm very pregnant...and a little emotional? But very honest )

He also used to hang out on SDN to get some perspective, so I think he "gets it" he knows all about what is going on and who (generally speaking...typically by specialty...whatever that is about) said what...especially in the debate forum...we both love to discuss issues and the discussions here often fuel one of our own

[Stella]

I insinuated that down the road things might be harder, and I might change as a person. So he kind of scolded me... he said "Why would you even think you're going to be a worse person? We have the future so that we can become better people" and he basically told me he didn't want me reading about all the negative stories on here because it's just putting bad thoughts into my head.

[...]

But my SO doesn't even want me to consider that a possibility. I should only think of becoming a better person. I mean, I'm going to try my hardest, but who knows.

My SO has said the same things. He sent me here, he's glad that I have found friends here to whom I can relate, but he hates that I read (or ask..haha) about surgery lifestyles and various other "bad" things. He says that it's useless reading the "bad" stories because I'm the "type to freak out now when it only might happen later. I think I'm becoming informed, not freaking out. It's not like I just skip over the "good" stories.

[Flynn]

We have the future so that we can become better people" and he basically told me he didn't want me reading about all the negative stories on here because it's just putting bad thoughts into my head.

I think you may want to point out to your SO that you are not reading "bad" stories or "negatives" but realities of the medical lifestyle. Becoming a better person is also about being fully informed (to the best of your abilities) and doing what you can to prepare for the future. Not being informed does not change reality. Just my :02:

BRILLIANT!!!!!!

We have the future so that we can become better people" and he basically told me he didn't want me reading about all the negative stories on here because it's just putting bad thoughts into my head.

I think you may want to point out to your SO that you are not reading "bad" stories or "negatives" but realities of the medical lifestyle. Becoming a better person is also about being fully informed (to the best of your abilities) and doing what you can to prepare for the future. Not being informed does not change reality. Just my :02:

Very well put Tara.

Tara said it very nicely.


Isn't this 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'? Maybe that is just my thinking.

I am pretty sure that neither Karrot or Stella's SO would NOT want to know the negative of any procedure that they were about to be a part of.

Again, hope for the best- prepare of the worst. Seems to ring true there as well.

[SuzySunshine]

Isn't this 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'? Maybe that is just my thinking.

I think that is what helps me Matt - that is how you have to proceed to survive, IMO.

We have the future so that we can become better people" and he basically told me he didn't want me reading about all the negative stories on here because it's just putting bad thoughts into my head.

I think you may want to point out to your SO that you are not reading "bad" stories or "negatives" but realities of the medical lifestyle. Becoming a better person is also about being fully informed (to the best of your abilities) and doing what you can to prepare for the future. Not being informed does not change reality. Just my :02:

Very well put Tara.

Yeah, I shoulda thought of that one sooner! That was so nicely and simply put; "I'm not reading negatives, but realities of the medical lifestyle." I can see how my SO might be concerned though but reading posts here is definitely preparation for anything that may happen in our lives.

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

This is the exact reason I came here in the first place!

[Stella]

Ditto!

[Mrs. McPads]

I don't believe my fiance would ever be able to walk again if he tried to tell me that this board was full of negative stories. How could your SO begrudge you the chance to cope alongside others who understand far better than he does at this time what it will be like?

Eileen

I don't believe my fiance would ever be able to walk again if he tried to tell me that this board was full of negative stories. How could your SO begrudge you the chance to cope alongside others who understand far better than he does at this time what it will be like?

Eileen

Well, newbies and lurkers aren't getting scared off for absolutely no reason. There are stories of failed marriages, loneliness, depression, bitterness, infidelity, and other hardships. When I first read some things, I was doubting my relationship in the very beginning, I was thinking "do I really know what I'm getting myself into?" I was asking "What exactly is this hell on earth? Is it worth going through? How do your DH's change over time?" Honestly, it did plant some seeds of doubt in my head even before my relationship grew and that's exactly what he doesn't want to happen. However, over time I realized that he is 'the one' and it didn't matter what his profession was.

My SO only wants the best for me and for our relationship, but he doesn't know the depth of this board, that it encompasses so much more and it really is a lot of support. It really has put a positive spin on some issues for me, and makes me realize how lucky I really am. It's also a glimpse of what is to come which is great preparation for me. He just didn't want me thinking negatively about our future, because to him, that's not an option.

This is coming from a guy who A) started a 'book club' for us, and we're reading and discussing books on how to strengthen our faith and relationship with God, B) periodically asks if there's anything I'd like to discuss about our relationship and/or if I have any problems, C) if I do have problems (currently it's figuring out my life/career/school and I'm having anxiety) he does research for me and emails me before he goes to work in the morning! This morning, he actually took a personality quiz for me, pinpointed my personality type, and sent me a list of appropriate professions with another list of links that might help me out. He's a guy who, if he can tell I'm upset about something, he asks me about it, wants to find a solution, and supports me the whole way. If I say, "it's fine, I don't care, I don't wanna talk about it" he says, "Kare, that's not a good way to approach this. We need to figure something out that will work for both of us."

So the main point of all of this is that I think that's why he doesn't think I need a "support group" because if I have problems, he will be there to talk about it (and he's always the one who wants to 'talk it through' and find a solution!) and offer help.

[Meenah]

Of course there are negative stories . If we all had the perfect relationship with only champagne, roses, chocalate, and orgasms we wouldn't be here participating in a medical spouse support group. If anyone does have that relationship they should start the perfect world support group. I'm sure we all ended up here for many of the same reasons, and it wasn't to find help with the perfect medical relationship.

Of course there are negative stories

Obviously, Luanne.

I'm going to rephrase my post.

We are all here for different reasons, many may be the same reasons to be here, as you say, but we are all different and handle things differently. We have all been dealt different hands in life and are at different points in our lives. But we've long established that.

I was just answering Eileens question and giving her a background so she could see why my SO would 'begrudge' an opportunity for me to interact with women in medical relationships. My SO just doesn't think I need it. That's all. We handle things our way, and other people handle issues their own way.

And no relationship is perfect.

I found this site when I was absolutely at the end point. I told DH I wanted a divorce, and that is not something I throw around at every fight. His surgery intern year was a piece of cake compared to the crap we've been through since July, and 2nd year was supposed to be better!

One night, I was searching the internet for something--anything, and I found this site. I told him I found it several days later, but he doesn't know much about it. There are some very specific problems with DH's program that I desperately need to talk about, but I am very scared to. I hope I find a comfort level here soon.

I am an active member of another online community, but they just don't get this at all. I was thrilled to find all of you because you...just...get...it!

[SuzySunshine]

ProjectMom, my husband's 2nd year was harder then his first too. Hang in there and when you get to 50 posts you'll be able to post in the private, member area only. Maybe then you'll be more comfortable talking about some of the things you want to get out.