Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

This is pretty heavy stuff, and it's long, but I'm honestly not sure where else to turn right now, so please bear with me. I’ll appreciate any input.

Just a few weeks ago, my 17 year old brother was arrested for possession of ~$350 worth of marijuana and LSD. Since then, he has also admitted to using crack cocaine and alcohol, to driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol, and to selling drugs. There is also strong evidence that he stole cash from my father. This was his second arrest. His first one was for underage drinking over a year ago.

Of course, I'm furious with him, as well as scared to death that he will not be able to get clean. I'm also very worried about what this is doing to my parents. In particular, my mom is having a very difficult time coming to grips with the fact that her baby has so many problems. Actually, I think she is in denial about some of his problems, and it's even affecting her physical health. I'm working through my feelings regarding all this, as I hope everyone else is as well, but I'm not there yet, and I'm dreading seeing everyone at Thanksgiving, which will be the first time I've seen my family since all this unfolded. The feeling I'm experiencing the most right now is very strong anger.

First of all, I'm furious with my brother for being so incredibly stupid and reckless, and I'm very disappointed that the several times I tried to level with him about his behavior, he lied to me and told me he had learned his lesson with his first arrest.

Secondly, I'm really angry with my mom for giving him the freedom to get into so much trouble and for ignoring me when I expressed my concerns that he was in trouble. My mom allowed my brother to hang out with his friends literally all night long several times a week, and she blew me off when I told her I was afraid he and his friends were drinking or doing something worse. She even bluntly informed me that she didn't believe me when I told her that my brother had smelled like booze and some sort of smoke when he came home one morning while I was visiting! (Just one week before his recent arrest!) Other family members pointed out several other warning signs to her, but she ignored them as well.

I'm also very angry with my dad, who knew my mom was giving my brother so much freedom and didn't try to do a thing about it. Even now, he is refusing to punish my brother, saying that the kid can make his own choices regarding how to behave!

Finally, I'm upset with some of my other family members for not trying harder to pound it into my parents' heads that there were tons of signs pointing to my brother's problems. In particular, one of my uncles, an alcoholic himself, actually witnessed my brother drinking alcohol one time but didn't say a word about it to anyone for over a year! And, I'm even angry with the arresting officer who, although he could've charged my brother with several drug crimes, let him off with a slap on the wrist.

In time, I'm sure I'll come to terms with all this, but Thanksgiving is in three days, and I'm just not ready to travel home and make nice with everyone over a great big turkey and pumpkin pie! On the other hand, I live hours away, whereas the rest of my family has to deal with this in person on a daily basis, so I'm sure they all need a nice holiday, and I don't want to ruin that for them. Any idea how I should conduct myself when I see everyone for the first time? Should I let them know how angry and disappointed I am, or grit my teeth and bear it until I'm finally able to let go of some of this anger?

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I definitely agree that this shouldn't be brought up around the dinner table or anything, but I don't want them all to think that I am OK with this when I most certainly am not. If I say anything, I'll probably do it on Friday. (I'm only going to be home from Thurs evening through Fri afternoon.)

Of course, I've talked to several of my family members about this over the phone, but to be honest, I've been pussy-footing around my true feelings because I haven't wanted to upset anyone more than they already are. Actually, though, I think all that is doing is making me feel more resentful toward everyone. (My mom even asked me once if I thought this was her fault in any way, but she was crying and very upset, so all I said was that I think she put too much trust in my brother and therefore gave him too much freedom to make bad choices. I didn't mention anything about how I had tried to warn her about his behavior, or how I think his not being punished for this is just asking for more trouble, or anything like that.)

[Bittersweet]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I, too, have struggled with the frustration of a sibling who has made horrible mistakes after being given too much freedom. The only suggestion I have is to give yourself time to cool before attempting to discuss such a serious issue with your family. If that occurs before you leave for Thanksgiving and you feel comfortable discussing it then go for it. Also, be prepared that your mom may not be exactly receptive to your opinions/impressions or may bristle at receiving judgment/advice regarding past parenting decisions – just a warning from my personal experiences. Hang in there!

[locumtenenswife]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your brother needs help, and your family needs to pull together to be able to support your brother through this ordeal.

From experience, I recommend you get yourself to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting right away. You can check online for local meetings in your area, there are meetings everyday in most cities. You'll be surprised how much talking to people who are in your same situation will help you to vent some of the anger you're feeling toward your brother and your parents and help it make it easier to deal with them during the holidays. I don't recommend you confront them until you have had a chance to work this out on your own, and going to a meeting can help you recognize the feelings you are having and will provide you with the support you need to be there for your brother and your family.

I wish you the best, and I hope your brother and your family are able to pull through this together.

[Momo]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your brother needs help, and your family needs to pull together to be able to support your brother through this ordeal.

From experience, I recommend you get yourself to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting right away. You can check online for local meetings in your area, there are meetings everyday in most cities. You'll be surprised how much talking to people who are in your same situation will help you to vent some of the anger you're feeling toward your brother and your parents and help it make it easier to deal with them during the holidays. I don't recommend you confront them until you have had a chance to work this out on your own, and going to a meeting can help you recognize the feelings you are having and will provide you with the support you need to be there for your brother and your family.

I wish you the best, and I hope your brother and your family are able to pull through this together.

Solid advice!
The meetings really help. I would definitely try and go to one Tue or Wed before going home...it will give you a healthy and appropriate outlet, to help you express/process some of what you have boiling inside of you.

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I can totally understand the anger and frustration you feel from seeing a younger sibling making wrong choices. We've had to bail my youngest sister out a few times, who ended up in trouble out of sheer stupidity and irresponsibility. 17 is a young age so he has much room to learn, mature, and move on to better things. Maybe he doesn't truly realize how serious of problems he's getting himself in to.... high schoolers just don't understand the dire consequences of their actions until they get caught and punished. So hopefully he'll learn a lesson from this, accept help, and start making better choices.

I agree with the meetings and support groups, but your brother has to be willing to attend and to change.

About Thanksgiving, try to focus on you strengths as a family. People falter, but if you have a strong support group and lots of involvement from the family, it will make it easier for your brother to pull through. I wouldn't say anything unless someone brings something up.... but if someone says something, I'd express disappointment but support for your brother.

Just my 2 cents..... good luck!

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I agree with the meetings and support groups, but your brother has to be willing to attend and to change.

True, but Al-Anon and Narc-Anon are for the loved ones affected by someone's addiction, so lmk and her family (if they come around) could go to those meetings. That's a really good suggestion and I'm going to agree with it.

I will second or third that suggestion.

[DCJenn]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I completely agree w/ the recommendations to find al-anon or narc anon meetings. They are very helpful for family members dealing w/ addiction issues.

It's really easy to say "what the hell are you thinking" (to basically everyone within hearing distance) but you know that it's much more complex than just not thinking through the consequences of behaviors.

Most addicts don't want to get into trouble, they just want to get high w/ whatever their drug of choice may be. There are no consequences that will outweigh the need to get high. and once they're addicted, they usually don't get 'high' unless they continually increase the amounts used.

Addiction is a very complex issue that impacts every family in the US in some way or another.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing w/ this painful problem. Don't blame yourself, and try not to blame others. My advice- go to the meetings and work through your anger issues. It's so annoying and frustrating to be dealing w/ this and especially at this time of year.

Let us know what's going on, later. PM me if you need some additional resources. (It's a side benefit of working in a methadone clinic!)

Jenn

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I agree with the meetings and support groups, but your brother has to be willing to attend and to change.

True, but Al-Anon and Narc-Anon are for the loved ones affected by someone's addiction, so lmk and her family (if they come around) could go to those meetings. That's a really good suggestion and I'm going to agree with it.

I will second or third that suggestion.

And I fourth it. I wasn't totally aware they were for family members. That's wonderful they have that.

I just wish the best for Imk and her family.

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

Thank you all for the support! I will definitely look into attending Al-Anon meetings. I know there are several groups that meet in my area.

Also, I really wish I weren't so angry, but I feel like I can't help it! (And honestly, I'm not sure that Al-Anon will be able to help me change my mind about all this.) My parents knew my brother had fallen in with a bad crowd when he was arrested the first time, and they surely knew--or at least suspected--that something was wrong when other family members and I repeatedly told them that my brother shouldn't be out all night unsupervised with his friends. Also, my parents knew that some of my brother's friends had been arrested on drug charges a little while back, but they continued to let him hang out with them! I just can't help but feel that my brother's current problems could've been avoided--or at least postponed a few years. He's a child living under their roof, surely they could've taken action to try to avoid this!

Finally, the real kicker to me is that they're still not really punishing him. He's technically not allowed to hang out with his friends right now, although he's not grounded otherwise and still has access to a car. (Two weeks after his arrest, my parents allowed him to take the car and go to the "movies"! Who knows where he actually ended up!) As terrible as this might sound, I'm disgusted by the way they're handling this, and I have no idea what they're thinking. Of course, I still love my family dearly.

But to get back to a basic question, how should I act around my family when I go home this week? For example, when my brother greets me at the door, do I give him a hug and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, or do I walk right past him? What about when everyone sits down to play a boardgame together after dinner? Should I join in and pretend nothing is amiss, or should I politely opt out?

Again, thanks.

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

Also, I really wish I weren't so angry, but I feel like I can't help it! (And honestly, I'm not sure that Al-Anon will be able to help me change my mind about all this.)

Al-Anon won't try to change how you feel about this, but they will give you ways to deal with your own anger. You're never going to change him or your family. What you need to do is figure out what role you can play in your family that keeps your mental health safe. (My mother LOVED Al-Anon).

As for how to behave at Thanksgiving -- just behave like an adult. I wouldn't make any big shows of brushing past an offer of a hug, or removing yourself from a group game. No one is going to think you're endorsing your brother's behavior just because you play boggle with him. If you don't think you can manage to play along with the basic civility of the holiday, it may be best to just stay home this Thanksgiving.

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

OK, that sounds like a good way to handle things. Thanks.

My (hopefully) final question involves something I've already said to my mom, which really upset her. DH and I both have off work Thurs-Sun, so I could spend four whole days with my family if I wanted to. (DH might come with me for one day, but he won't stay all weekend since there's really not a good place for us to stay when we visit my family.) Anyway, although I do want to have a nice holiday with my family, I really don't feel ready to spend mulitple days there, so I've been planning to leave on Friday. Anyway, yesterday my mom asked me how long I would be home, and I told her just until Friday afternoon. When she asked me why, I told her, "I want to get back home to DH, I want to start getting my house decorated for Christmas, and I don't think I'll be very comfortable spending lots of time with everyone yet since I still haven't been able to work through everything that happened these past few weeks." Anyway, my mom was very offended. Truthfully, I hadn't wanted to say anything to her yet, but I also didn't want to lie when she asked me directly why I wouldn't be spending the entire weekend with them.

First of all, do you think I was wrong to be completely honest with my mom? (i.e. Should I have left out the final reason?) Secondly, is it OK that I don't want to spend the entire weekend with everyone until I get a better grip on how to deal with all this myself, or should I stay until Sunday afterall?

[locumtenenswife]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

First of all, do you think I was wrong to be completely honest with my mom? (i.e. Should I have left out the final reason?) Secondly, is it OK that I don't want to spend the entire weekend with everyone until I get a better grip on how to deal with all this myself, or should I stay until Sunday afterall?

You did the right thing in being completely honest with your mom. It's not healthy to ignore the elephant in the room. Your mom is still learning to deal with the situation, too, and it sounds like she is still in denial about how big this thing is. By telling her that you're not comfortable spending the entire weekend with everyone because you haven't been able to work through what's happened, you're being honest with yourself and honest with her and not adding any fuel to the fire. I understand she's upset, but she'll get over it and you'll be thankful that you didn't force yourself to do more with your family than you could handle.

If tensions are high with the family during Thanksgiving, try to understand that your brother and your parents are probably not yet ready to deal with what's happened either. If sometime this weekend you feel the need to talk to your your brother and your parents about what they did or didn't do, stop. Attempting to confront them at Thanksgiving about what they've done wrong will only make you feel frustrated because they won't be able to respond they way you want them to. Instead, give yourself a few weeks in Al-Anon to work on what's happened. It will become clear what the best course of action is and you'll feel much more comfortable when you bring up the topic with your brother and your parents.

[MDPhDWife]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

I can relate a lot to the dread you're feeling about the upcoming holiday. My mother was is an active alcoholic who is currently facing a court date for her 2nd DUI.

A lot of people have mentioned Al-Anon meetings, and I too was skeptical at first, but they truly are a blessing. They will help you process your emotions (especially anger and blame) so that you can maintain your sanity. It can be really frusterating to see your parents enabeling your borther, but you must accept that you cannot change that and come to terms with it.

I also agree that Thanksgiving isn't the time to wage a battle with your brother. Give him a hug, tell him you love him, and find a way to enjoy the holiday. I also agree you don't and should not talk about the elephant in the room. Nothing irritates me more than sweeping things under the rug. So I would advise talking to your mom, but try to come from a place of tough love and support instead of blame.

I hope this helps. PM me if you want to talk.

[DCJenn]

Re: Not Ready To Make Nice (Re: My Druggie Brother and My Famil

It's never wrong to be honest- addictions come from a place of dishonesty. Its actually a part of our intakes- in several ways- basically do you lies to others, to yourself, are you taking more drugs that you wanted to, etc.

It's going to very much be the elephant in the room. and you can, if asked, say, "I'm really sorry that this happened." and you are. but not from the "I'm really sorry you got caught" or "I'm really sorry that this is out in in the open" standpoint.

I'm sure your parents are scared out of their minds right now, too. You may want to leave them the number for their local al-anon sites, too. Not in a preachy way (Not saying that you'd do that, but that they'd interpret it that way)
but in a "i'm going to do this to get a better understanding of what is happening and maybe you would too."

It just sucks. I'm sorry.

Jenn