dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

[amyli]

Please tell me I'm not the only one feeling overwhelmed with this sole parenting stuff. My DH gets 2 days off a month and those two days are spent catching up on sleep and us trying to cram family time in.

I feel like I live a drug user lifestyle, despite my scheduling and planning. Our lives are so manic because of DH's schedule. I am lucky if I see him 5 minutes a day.

I love my husband and I love my life and the path I've chosen... it's just that I really find being married to a doctor draining on so many levels. I'm trying to keep it together on some days, and today is one of those days.

Thanks for the vent-

Amy

Amy

[Flynn]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

It's not you, it's the life.
Being a single parent would suck the life out of anybody.

Hang in there.


I found that making a schedule for me and the kiddos and sticking to it really helped me. YES I would try and be flexible when DH was around but even when he "was around" he really wasn't sometimes so it helped to stay busy even when he was home. I found that making him try and fit into our life was much easier -- and more rewarding then us bending over backwards to to be around when he was home. He needed to check with me on things -- or just go with the flow. That was his choice. During residency DH was a visitor in our lives...not much more.

I'm really sorry things are extra challenging right now.

[medpedspouse]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

Not you - it is the medical lifestyle. I use to try to stay flexible and mold my days around DH's schedule. KKKKKKKKCrazzzzzy!!!! I ended up very frustrated. Now I plan the schedule and if DH can plug in grrrreat and if not - oh - well...at least there is no disappointment.

Hang in there. :therethere:

[Vanquisher]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

It's not just you!!

I don't want to hijack your thread because your concerns and frustrations are very normal, but I do want to validate what you are feeling with my own example.

My son is turning 10 this weekend. In his 10 years of life, his dad has been absent for his birthday for the last 8 of them. How this is fair to a young boy, I don't know. I tried to complain a little about it to a friend last weekend, and she said, "it will be worth it for him in the end." I actually asked her how, and she said that we will be able to financially support our son later in ways that other parents cannot. True, I guess, but I hardly feel that the pay off of being the almighty dawkter in money terms is worth the sacrifices my family has made with time and emotional support from the paternal figure.

Anyway, so instead of trekking the family up to Greenville where DH is doing his away rotation so that DH and my son can be together on his birthday, I said, "screw it!" Instead, I am having a girl's party! Three other moms that I know who have children turning 10 this month are coming to my house with their kids, and we are going to have a big sleepover and celebrate that we all have 10 year olds! DH feels left out. Pttth. I don't care. Ryan, my son, is excited that a bunch of kids are coming over.

Anyway, I don't have this single mom thing perfected, and far from it. I sometimes fail miserably at trying to balance it all, and I still want to include dh as much as possible. I do find, however, that I am happier when I make plans without him.

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

DH just finished OB night shifts and now he starts cardiac ICU. He has spent all of his days sleeping and I am lucky if I can get him to hold DS while I take a shower. Even that doesn't really work out because he doesn't really know his dad and sometimes has stranger anxiety with him. I am exhausted and sore from doing everything alone. I'm so glad you posted this because that is exactly how I am feeling today.

[houseelf]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

Amy, you have found the right place. We hear you loud and clear.

I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to not compare myself with a single mom because at least I benefit from an "intact family", a spouse's income, and someone who cares about us from a distance. Still, I do everything alone. Everything. It is such a way of life that I don't even question it anymore. I carry furniture by myself, go to school, social, and church functions alone, take my kids camping alone, and so on and so forth. It took me a loooooong time to get to this place where I'm honestly mostly o.k. with things. It is kind of sad actually that we have all accepted this as being an acceptable way to run a family. Ironically, over the past few years I have found peace when my son has found frustration. While the physical work of parenting alone in medical family gets easier, navigating the emotional landscape is anyone's game as they age.

My son will be 8 soon and like Heidi's situation, his dad will not be there. My son was mutinous that he had to wait three extra days for Christmas. I will probably host Easter for 20 plus people this year all by myself. Honestly, I'm just glad to be able to have family around to celebrate Easter. I'm thrilled that I don't have to work anymore in addition to doing everything else. When we both had jobs and two kids in childcare and/or school, our marriage was stressed to the max.

Sooo, I'm here to commiserate away with you on this topic (and hijack your thoughts with my own teeming issues, if I'm truly honest with myself). Welcome. You will be heard here.

Kelly

[Vanquisher]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to not compare myself with a single mom because at least I benefit from an "intact family", a spouse's income, and someone who cares about us from a distance.

I have thought about this from time to time too Kelly. However, and I know this is a gross generalization, a lot of single moms that I know or know of live in the same neighborhood or even home with another member of their family. So, while my husband is technically "present" and "lives" here, I don't have any other family members or family support system to draw from.

So, I am definitely not saying that being a true single mom is easy or easier by any stretch of the imagination, but it is comparable. At least, in many ways, it FEELS that way.

On my other moms board there are ladies who bemoan feeling this way as well. We had a topic about it recently One woman even put, "I'm another one who's DH works over 50 hours a week. So although he's around he's not around home most of the time and he works every weekend."

Yeah, double that, put him in a different city, and then you've got my life. We all complain. I am always amused remembering how hard I worked as a waitress and when I am out and hear someone complaining about their 8-hour shifts. Perspective.

[migirl]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

Amy,

As you can see, you're definitely not alone. Yesterday my DH left the house at 5:30am and returned home at 10:30pm. I was asleep both times, I think we spent an hour together on Monday. He hasn't seen DS since Monday, and it's not looking good that he'll see him today either.

He also missed DS's second birthday last month.

I'm also very much a scheduler, so we tend to go about our days as if DH doesn't exist (very sad, I know). If he happens to be available to us, then it's great ... but it's too hard to try to plan life around him.

[Michele]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

I hear you!

I'm trying to get to the place where I plan our life without Russ but I suck at it. So I end up lonely and whiny a lot. It's not very becoming. I'll just keep trying.

Vent away!

[Phoebe]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

You aren't alone!

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

Not alone. I had an internal fight on sunday, as I skipped the early service cause DH wasn't getting up until 10:00 and leaving at 11:15. I choose to go to the 11:30 service where I now know one. And 1/2 of the time DH was up, he was eating and getting ready for the day. I told DH I wasn't sure if 45 min or less with him was worth not making relationships with people in a whole new town. I feel horrible thinking that, cause the rotation he's on now, and the shifts he had last month, he hasn't been around the kids much. She hasn't seen him 2 days this week, unless giving her water in the middle of the night is called "seeing each other". DS hasn't seen him much either. So yeah 45 min is worth it for the kids, but then many times in the past I've given up doing something for me for just 45 mins. Sigh... it's a hard balance. What sucks is, we are talking about 45 minutes here.

Anyway, it sucks, and I totally agree with Heidi, it's like being a single parent in maybe 70% of the time. Though, we, sometimes, get to sleep in the same bed with our spouse. I know Heidi, not much for you. And being away from family has made this suck big time. DH always worked a lot of hours, but I seemed not to notice as much when I could pick up my life and as Kelly said have Easter with the family, or see a friend, or go to my parents place to hang out. It's just very... lonely and frustrating.

(((HUGS)))! But unlike a single parent, we know it will end, many single parents will always have to go it alone.

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

Please tell me I'm not the only one feeling overwhelmed with this sole parenting stuff. My DH gets 2 days off a month and those two days are spent catching up on sleep and us trying to cram family time in.

Yeah, I didn't really appreciate that before residency, that days "off" were time to sleep. Last month every "day off" DH had, he actually got off at 7 am. Now, how, exactly, is that a day off?

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

I just went back and read your intro and see your DH is an attending with a lot of extra responcibilities. Maybe your DH could drop the hospital adminitration part of his time, or something else to better manage home time??? :huh: Maybe a talk about how to change things to make things easier would be helpful? Regardless I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

I tried to complain a little about it to a friend last weekend, and she said, "it will be worth it for him in the end."

Heidi: Very telling choice for the object of the prepositional phrase. I'm pretty sure you weren't talking about what was simply best for him!

Amy: :badday: I hope you have a good day soon. Sometimes, just a few good days are enough to boost you back up to a "hey, I can do this" level. But I know how exhausting and frustrating The Life can be. Hang in there and feel free to dump here. Some of us struggle with the perpetual absence, some of us struggle with the necessary self-absorption, some of us struggle with the sinking feeling that it will never end. Personally, I struggle with the occasional but unrelenting desire to punch him in the head because he CAN'T DO THE SIMPLEST LITTLE THING! (You're a brain surgeon!! How could you NOT KNOW that the FROZEN pizza needs to be unpacked from the grocery bag and placed in the...follow me now...FREEZER!?!?! Even you couldn't intuitively put that math together on your own, the package reads: "STORE IN FREEZER." You just wasted $6!! And then you ask, Well, what's for dinner? GRRRRR!!!) But, um, I think I may be going astray from the original post. All this to say...

We ALL have our days. We understand. And we'll never lie and tell you that you should stay upbeat because, even if it isn't worth it for you, it's worth it for him.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: dunno where this belongs... feeling overwhelmed

DH saw Luke enough to kiss him yesterday. That's par for the course... At least on this rotation, his chosen field.

Anyway, I do feel isolated/single parent most of the time. With my recent car problems, who could I call? My only real friend has 4 kids herself, and well... She can't exactly drive me around town to mechanics, etc., etc. So you deal with it... It sucks.

Anyway, I hope you guys get more time off. I keep hoping, against my better judgement, that when we hit attendinghood all will get better.

aranoid: :run: