Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

[Tenacious_D]

Ok...this is following the topics about who does laundry, cooking etc. DH and I are friends with a couple who seem to have to completely separate "lives." They are married and have been for 4 years but they do laundry separately (she said she doesn't want to touch his stinky socks and underwear and doesn't want him touching her stuff).

Also, when we go out to dinner with them, they spend over 5 minutes tallying up who owes what for each of them instead of just paying together. They also don't have a joint bank account. Is this the norm for some married couples or am I a little old school in my beliefs. It just seems like a lot of extra work to be that separate in what you do in a committed relationship. I just wonder what they will do when they have kids.

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

That is kind of strange. DH & I had separate bank accounts for a while, though. Both of our names were on both of them, but he used one and I used the other. It was easier that way. I used my bank account to buy all of our household items, including things he uses, and he used his bank account to pay all our bills. If we went out to eat, we did discuss whose money we'd use for it (usually his). But we didn't split the tab or anything.

I wouldn't think their marriage is doomed because they keep separate accounts or don't do each other's laundry - as long as they enjoy spending time together and can make sacrifices when necessary. It's just a little unusual.

[houseelf]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

What you described sounds like my brother & his wife in the early years. They had separate bank accounts accounts, she kept her maiden name, and they had their own bedrooms. Over the past 15 years and two kids, I can honestly say that they are completely comingled to a single account and my SIL now uses her husband's name because it is her kids' name. It just took them awhile longer to get there. This sort of thing was never for me, but I can see it.

Kelly

[spotty_dog]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

Yeah, I think these days that sort of financial arrangement is becoming more common for DINK households. For us, well, we got our joint account before we were even engaged. But before we had the joint account I think we just alternated picking up the tab, splitting laboriously sounds like something you do with a less-intimate friend or casual acquaintance. But maybe it's just what they've found improves marital harmony and reduces money-related arguments. :huh:

Laundry, we didn't fully integrate until we moved here (after what, six years of living together and three years of marriage?). Before that we kept separate laundry piles and DH just washed some of mine when it got out of hand.

[Auspicious]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

The tallying at the restaurant I find strange and vaguely tacky. The rest of it, not so much. We've also integrated a lot of our stuff piece by piece over time.

I wonder if they each do their own dishes at home.

[MDPhDWife]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

That does seem strange to me. My sister and her fiance of 10 years (who knows if they'll ever get married) do have seperate accounts and sometimes still fight over the dinner check like they're dating. I think it causes them more problems than anything else because it becomes a scoreboard for who's contributing what. DH and I had joint accounts before we were engaged only because as soon as I saw what a trainwreck he is financially, I took over. But if we were to keep seperate accounts, and still had dual incomes, then I think a joint account would still be necessary to pay the household expenses out of. Each person would contribute their percentage porportion according to their income so it feels fair.

I dunno, different strokes... :huh:

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

The tallying at the restaurant I find . . . vaguely tacky.

I agree. I mean, to each their own on the whole "separate finances, separate laundry, etc." thing, but tallying up the split in public is tacky. It'd be tacky no matter WHO did it. Either (ahead of time) arrange to have the waiter ring and bring separate checks, or simply split the bill in half. Nickel and diming at the dinner table in front of other people (whether a social or business meal) is declasse. Re: what happens when they have kids--I can't imagine that if you are willing to make a thing about the bill-splitting system at the dinnertable in front of other people that you are living in a marriage that is going to be a great example for your kids in terms of how to share with and trust other people.

Would I want to live a "separate lives"-type marriage? Not personally. I view my marriage as a partnership, not a loose association of the interests of the parties involved. I trust him, he trusts me, and I wouldn't find any personal satisfaction in being able to call certain things "mine" ane certain things "his." Plus, I guess I am influenced by my religious beliefs regarding marriage, too. I believe it is the spiritual and physical joining of two separate people by a covenant with God. If you've become one flesh with another person, focusing your time and energy on practices that separate the two of you seems a little self-defeating.

But, hey, if they're happy--and they can maybe be a little less tacky--whatever works for them... There are probably a lot of things about my marriage that they wouldn't want incorporated into their marriage!

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

Whatever works for them I guess, but it seems very strange. And kind of sad I think.
We have had joint finances since well before we were married, but then we were very young and extremely broke when we started living together. I have friends that do things separately, but they were older and more "financially established" when they started living together or married. Maybe it is harder to change old habits then :huh:

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

And who will pay for the kids' meals?!

LOL!!!

They are a bit of a bizarre couple. It was just weird for DH and I to hear how separate their lives are. He loves going to bars (I think he has a bit of a drinking problem) and she doesn't so he goes to bars alone and she doesn't go with him. DH and I really like the partnership that we have together because it makes life so much easier and we really don't fuss about money too much. I just hope that they just get over some of that "mine, mine" behavior before their kids come....assuming they are still together.

[Vanquisher]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

Yeah, I think it's really weird. I can't imagine that kind of a system could really work long term. We've had joint everything from the beginning. We share all.

[Flynn]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

Yeah, I think it's really weird. I can't imagine that kind of a system could really work long term. We've had joint everything from the beginning. We share all.

DITTO.

I can't imagine splitting a dinner bill.
To me that's just !

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

he goes to bars alone and she doesn't go with him.

Now that one would bother me. A lot. I can only see DH doing this rarely for some specific purpose, like to hang out with a friend in trouble or to watch a game we don't get at home. (With the game thing, he's usually picked a place where the kids & I can go, too.)

And, BTW, I agree about it being tacky to discuss financial details in front of other people. I meant that when it was just our little family going out to eat, we'd decide which part of the budget to use. If we went out with others, DH just picked up the tab.

I also grew up being taught that it's really bad for couples to have separate bank accounts. But I've seen how stressful it is for my sister not to have any money that is her own. She & her husband talk about EVERY purchase. For me, that would be torture. It's like couples who need their own sides of the bed - we don't, but we do need our own little bit of money. The fact that I used to put that money in a bank account and manage it from there, as opposed to keeping track of it in DH's bank account, doesn't seem like that big of a deal. :huh: Maybe the problem is more when couples keep their separate incomes in their separate accounts, without having an overall combined budget.

I still think that there are other factors in a marriage that are more important, like enjoying each other's company and being willing to sacrifice for each other. Maybe I'm naive, but IMO, there are a number of acceptable ways of working out the finances in a marriage that is otherwise functioning well. It sounds like this couple has other issues... Hopefully they'll work them out before the kids come along.

[Cumberland]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

We had friends that put 40% of their income in to a joint account and 60% into separate. They used the joint to pay bills and the separate for personal stuff. They would trade off on paying for dinner. I always wondered what they would do when they had kids. And it seemed kinda weird since he made way more than her- so he could have fun toys and she couldnt.

[weeniegeniewife]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

DH and I joined our accounts when we got engaged. As I am wayyyyyy more Type A than he is, I take care of paying all of the bills, balancing the checkbook, etc. We don't ask each other if we want to buy something, we just go out and do it! DH knows to give me his receipts to add into our checkbook. I also have my own business account for my wellness clinic that I own. Sadly, most of the income I get from doing part-time therapy goes straight to my student loans!

For the rest of the chores, we split them. DH is my very best friend and an awesome partner, and I couldn't imagine living separate lives. We make a great team!

[Deebs]

Re: Laundry, cooking, bills etc. in marriage

DH and I have a $100 rule. If it's under, we can go ahead and get whatever without asking the other person (obviously, this can't be an everyday thing b/c we'd be living in a cardboard box). For anything more, we both have cellphones, and we have to at least pick up the phone and discuss it (or if he's at work, I'm prepared to return anything we haven't talked about in advance). It works for us. Our money is simpler to deal with being in one place, but we both feel we have our own money. I hope to someday get to a point financially that the rule grows to a larger sum, but for now, $100 keeps us from getting into any real trouble.