Bad Communication?

[Thirteen]

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man: he's a CA1 (I think that's what I want to call it) and a very dedicated guy. Lately though, his call schedule is really getting to him: he's irritable, moody and tired all the time. He makes time for me, but then complains about how he should be doing other things. Often, he falls asleep. And it's left me feeling less than important - I am very supportive, but I felt like an emotional punching bag having to deal with all his negativity.

I suggested we do more planning, so that he can do what he needs to do (read, work out, etc) and not make me feel bad about the fact that he chose to hang out with me instead. I.E. Not impromptu hanging out, but planned time that's just about us.

This didn't go over well - he thought I was lecturing him and that I didn't appreciate all the time he does spend with me. I didn't mean to make it about that, and it's not what I was inferring, but... *sigh*

He told me that this first year would be the craziest, and that it's supposed to get better.
I want to be there to support him, but it's hard when he's irritated and takes his day out on me.
Or falls asleep.

I need advice, and I need support from someone outside of all this. I'm in the middle of a grad program myself, and I feel ill equipped to really know what to do.

Thank you!

[v-girl]

Re: Bad Communication?

I've been married 11 years. We survived the MD, Ph.D and three kids. Intern year kicked our butts big time. And residency is still kicking us. I wish I had advice. I don't. I've done the same with my husband and gotten similar reactions. We've fought more in the last year and a half than in the rest of our marriage.

I will say, if you really really like him stick it out. It won't always be this bad. I'm not saying it gets better for good, but there will be some easier rotations. Intern year is by far the hardest.

[Flynn]

Re: Bad Communication?

Training sucks. Having a balanced life is almost impossible all of the time.

How are you supposed to have a relationship when communication is so challenging?
I feel your pain. :banghead:

We came up with a couple of RULES that were not debatable during our nine years in training.
They helped a lot. PM me if you want more info.

The first three years are pretty challenging. I kept wondering if it was me -- or was it really this hard to feel connected with a doc wanna be.

Hang in there.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Bad Communication?

I'm sort of like Veronica...

I've been married for 13 years and have been through an MD-Ph.D. and three-and-a-half years into a seven-year neurosurgery residency. After residency will be at least a year fellowship. It is a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng haul sometimes.

I don't have any reliable, universally applicable advice because each resident, each residency, each marriage/relationship is very different. What works for us may not work for others. I can tell you what has worked for us, though: perspective--for the short-term and the bigger picture. In the short-term: let the little things go; assume the other person is not the enemy; don't worry or obsess about things that are not within your control; enjoy what you can about where are your circumstances have landed you; RELAX when you can; and remember that this, too, passes (albeit, at times, like a kidney stone!). In the bigger picture: being married to a physician is completely survivable; it is good to be married to a good person, who wants to help people; and (as I have to tell myself every so often) hey, it's not like he's been shipped off to a tour of duty in a war zone (this perspective is completely inapplicable to those SOs/DWs/DHs whose partners ARE serving in the military, of course!!).

[ladymoreta]

Re: Bad Communication?

I feel for you. My husband is in his intern year, and it's definitely tough. I think that 3rd year of medical school was a little worse, but not by much. He says this year is technically worse than that, but he knows how to deal with it better.

I think the scheduling is a great idea. It's too bad he took it wrong, but that's probably just the sleep deprivation talking. I don't think the falling asleep a lot is normal. Is your boyfriend getting enough sleep when he's not on call? How often does he have overnight call? I'm just wondering if he might be sick or experiencing mild depression. The training programs don't seem very interested in their doctors' physical or mental wellbeing, so it's up to him to see a doctor. (Ironic, isn't it?) If he can get 5-7 hours of sleep when he's not on call and a short nap when he's post call, that should help. If he's not getting that much, all you can do is encourage him since that's his decision. We've found that blackout curtains in our bedroom helped a LOT.

I hope things get better as he settles in to the program. Come here often - we understand what you're going through! *hugs*

[alison]

Re: Bad Communication?

CA-1 year at this point usually has very little call. I'm surprised! For dh, there was much less call in CA-1 year than in internship. When your SO is in the OR there's hardly any call, so maybe he's in the ICU right now? :huh:

How about wrapping up "planning" slightly differently? For instance, could you call it "date night?" Dh's schedule varies from week to week, so before a week starts, I'll assign one night as date night. :huh:

Re: Bad Communication?

You've already had great advice. Just adding my sympathy. Our first year of residency was hard... and this won't be comforting, but late 2nd year/early 3rd year was absolutely the worst. Fourth (last) year was so easy in comparison. We didn't have any particular relationship rules that helped us. We just dragged through and were grateful for rare moments when DH actually was caught up on sleep and could interact normally with family. Residency does end, and the relationship does get better afterward.

[DCJenn]

Re: Bad Communication?

You've taken the first step- you've found a group of people who if nothing else, 'get it'.

My husband would have flipped a lid at the suggestion of planning- he's incapable of planning under the best of circumstances (hmmm, maybe that's why he does so well in the military- there IS no planning...) There wre times during residency and fellowship that even if we'd planned something, it wouldn't have happened- exhaustion, having to stay late, no $, etc.

Residency does an ass-kicking to relationships. They may come out stronger and healthier at the end but in the middle it's no fun for anyone.

My one piece of advice is to just keep the lines of communication open, because I think most of us would agree when the non-medical spouse shuts down, everything goes to hell.

Jenn

[Thirteen]

Re: Bad Communication?

Thanks everybody! Good vibes all around, good responses.

Yeah, I shouldn't have used the word "planning"... I think it was semantics, but oh well.

About the depression thing: maybe (?) He tries to get 6-7 hours regularly, and then sleeps after call. Maybe CA is not the term I was looking for...

He's a 1st yr. family med., but will be switching to anest. for a 2nd yr. position.

It's hard. He's kind of harsh on himself anyway, and I think has this "I never get to do enough" thing going on. Never enough time. Yes, TIME - that's what it is.
Never enough time to read all the stuff he's supposed to be on top of, apply on ERAS for match (again), work out (and this is a biggie, as he thinks he's overweight).
Also, it could be his health: he's got elevated triglycerides, and diabetes runs on BOTH SIDES of his family. He's pretty careful about sugar and what he eats, though.
I digress.

Last night, he was on call. We prayed together on the phone, and then he had to go.
But... I got a text about 2 hours later, telling me good night. Peace offering (?)

Will keep you posted!

Re: Bad Communication?

Residency is hard and the lack of sleep can definently cause irritability. It is important to continue to make the effort to spend time together even though it may be hard at times. In terms of reading my husband is an Anesthesiology Resident and he can sometimes read in the OR and every now and then when he has a slow call so maybe things will get a little easier when he begins anesthesiology. If you both like to work out maybe you can spend time doing that together as well so he can hang out with you and work out out the same time.