Marriage on the rocks...

[Chrisada]

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I will attempt to talk to him again (when we are calm) about validating me and what I do. Because he is so busy, he tells me I don't do anything all week (even though the babies fed, the house is clean, the bills are paid....) He just looks at me like I am a joke. Not really sure how to get through that. Yes, his mom did EVERYTHING for his family. When he has watch the baby while I work, I come home to a disaster, but he says that this is his relax time and this is what I do everyday. UGGGGGG... And he would never watch the baby for me to have "time off" because I stay at home all week and only work the weekend (which are 12 hour shifts and I still get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby on those days). Thanks for letting me vent. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone about our problem because it is "personal", but I need an outlet- so thanks guys!!!!!

Wow, so he won't even watch the baby so you can do something for you? Ok, he is worse than I thought from your original post. I'm so sorry, be strong.

[JC76]

Have nothing really constructive to add simply because I am just relating to every single thing that everyone has said... including his line about not wanting you to talk to anyone else outside the marriage about it. My husband has used that one too, and I honestly think it's because he secretly knows that I'm getting the crappier deal here year after year and have been a saint putting up with it. I think he's scared someone might tell him that.

I've made it crystal clear to him numerous times over the last 6 years that our current situation WILL be changing once he's out of residency, that I have accepted this imbalance for only a finite period of time.

And when he sighs loudly or rolls his eyes when I ask him to do something, a chore, etc. I ask him how in the world all of the single, unmarried residents possibly manage to survive without a wife/employee/servant to meet all of their needs??

You're not alone, just realize that. It makes it a little easier. I joined iMSN a few months ago on a day when I had reached the same point you're at right now. It comes and goes.

[medpedspouse]

Much of what I would have said has been said already. The one thing I would add is seeking counseling...having someone who can at least mediate your discussions. No better time to set a great foundation for your marriage while they are in school. The stakes only get higher during residency, fellowship, practice etc.

He doesn't have time you say????? Big B and S. He will have more time now during med school than in residency. In addition, counseling is probably free or a minimal cost through the med school student services - yes, they have to have some if they are accredited...so, that excuse will not fly either. Also, the other excuse of "I cannot have any counseling because I will not be able to be licensed later" (some states have a question about mental health) is an ever bigger pile of BS.

Hugs to ya!

[Chrisada]

Much of what I would have said has been said already. The one thing I would add is seeking counseling...having someone who can at least mediate your discussions. No better time to set a great foundation for your marriage while they are in school. The stakes only get higher during residency, fellowship, practice etc.

He doesn't have time you say????? Big B and S. He will have more time now during med school than in residency. In addition, counseling is probably free or a minimal cost through the med school student services - yes, they have to have some if they are accredited...so, that excuse will not fly either. Also, the other excuse of "I cannot have any counseling because I will not be able to be licensed later" (some states have a question about mental health) is an ever bigger pile of BS.

Hugs to ya!

I second the counseling! DH and I go and it is saving our marriage. We are also about to go to a marriage boot camp starting in September.

OH, you guys are funny. It is nice to know that you guys can relate one way or another.
I know my husband is more stubborn than most, but I knew that prior to marrying him and prior to med school, so it's not like this has taken me by surprise (what was I thinking ). It is just harder now that we have a baby and I work part-time because prior to med school and baby, I was the work horse, and I wasn't always nice with him when I was the one with the heavier load. The role reversal is hard for me because I want to be at home as much as possible with the baby, and if I worked full-time I was still in charge of everything (like I used to be). I just felt as though then I had more of a right to be respected. Now it is hard because I know my everyday life is "easier" than his and the baby business is an instant payoff.

So after this huge fight last night, he dumped all my stuff out of the bedroom and said I could have the spare bedroom and the nursery and he would take care of all of his own stuff (laundry, errands, etc.). So how should I be when he gets home? Suck it up? or wait till he gets over it and approaches me??

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

So after this huge fight last night, he dumped all my stuff out of the bedroom and said I could have the spair bedroom and the nursery and he would take care of all of his own stuff (laundry, errands, etc.). So how should I be when he gets home? Suck it up? or wait till he gets over it and approaches me??

Um, I know I'm not married yet but if DF ever did that, there would be serious trouble. Why does he get to evict you instead of having a rational conversation? Does he expect he'll always get his way with his attendings and his patients too? I don't want to speak out of turn here but that appears to be quite controlling.

[Deebs]

This probably isn't the most mature answer, but I would either take the baby and stay elsewhere for the night or change the locks and make him really grovel before letting him come back. Regardless of your relationship, you are caring for his child. Are you kidding me? I would also stop doing anything beyond caring for his child. If the agreement is that you work part time so you can parent, then that is your responsibility. He can figure out food, laundry, etc on his own. We have gone through phases of me stopping acting as DH's assistant. It has always turned out that he appreciates me more after the fact. It may work to my benefit, though, that we are both ridiculously stubborn.

[DCJenn]

OK-

That's just rude. You both need to have a serious meeting of the minds.

This isn't a tit-for-tat thing because when it comes down to doing 'things' you'll "win". When it comes down to feeling pressure he'll "win".

You two are adult parents of an infant. It's time for everyone to put on their big girl and boy panties and sit down and talk. Not scream, yell or throw things. Remember that- your baby hears and sees how the two of you deal with each other. He needs to remember that as well.

You need to acknowledge his issues and he needs to hear yours. and if you can't do this in the comfort of your own kitchen then YOU at the very minimum need to get some counseling.

and- you also need to think about whether you've been enabling his lack of participation. I know I have to really work on that myself. I have to remind myself that although I will get our son out of the house in clean, matching clothing, maybe that's not the big picture- the big picture is quality fun time with his father.

Several of our members have been able to get their spouses into therapy as a "please, the therapist wants you to come because you know me better than anyone" kind of thing.

As for today, I'd put your stuff back in your bedroom and I would very calmly say to your husband that disrespecting you and asking you to sleep in a different bedroom is merely a way to avoid the issues which have obviously been neglected for a long time. Take it as the cry for help that it is. He needs to understand that avoiding problems by making a big scene doesn't work. and YOU need to be calm. Angry, fine. But don't escalate it yourself. Big drama isn't going to fix things.

Not sleeping in the same room is not going to change one thing about the relationship itself.

Jenn

[medpedspouse]

So after this huge fight last night, he dumped all my stuff out of the bedroom and said I could have the spare bedroom and the nursery and he would take care of all of his own stuff (laundry, errands, etc.). So how should I be when he gets home? Suck it up? or wait till he gets over it and approaches me??

Let me repeat this...although med school is very hard, it will be the easiest part of their med training. From what you have described, YOU are still the workhorse since you are taking care of all household chores, baby AND working part time. ALL he has to do is go to school.

Back to your question....per his hissy-fit (because that is what it is), I would treat him as I would a child that did the same. In a calm fashion stress how disappointed you are in not being able to have a constructive discussion. If he rants and raves, do not raise your voice and fall into that trap - take a deep breath and ask him when would be a convenient time for him to discuss the issues at hand - don't fall into the cycle of not communicating (even if you are the only one expressing your thoughts/feelings). Like a child, although he may not have the maturity to communicate his anxieties, stressors, fatigue, fears, etc., you cannot get down to that level.

Again, I cannot stress counseling enough. You already have enough on your plate - you do not need to add on teaching your DH how to communicate or express his feelings in a constructive manner.

[weeniegeniewife]

PS- I also recommend sex. Has a massively calming impact on the male assholian behavior.

Ha! Truer words have never been spoken.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate.

Everyone else has given great advice. I agree that you need to have a calm, honest, non-accusatory conversation about how you feel. I sincerely hope your husband will be understanding and try to work with you to improve things.

Your contributions to your family are important and should be appreciated and respected.

Hugs.

Again, thanks you guys for all of the advise. I do believe counseling is a must. I hope we get through because this is only the start. As if marriage isn't hard enough... throw in med school

I just felt as though then I had more of a right to be respected. Now it is hard because I know my everyday life is "easier" than his and the baby business is an instant payoff.

That right there is a load of crap.

He's a student. Yes, he's a med student and it requires hard work, but I thought he was super smart, right? He's an M2, so he's *only* a student. He's not dealing with crazy hours, clerkships, emotional stress of dealing with illness, dying, and the insane amount of responsiblity for human life. He is purely a student.

You have a right to be respected as a human, as his wife, as the mother of his child. You are caring for the baby, your home, and probably addressing most of his needs (groceries, cleaning, paying bills, arranging social life). You need to respect yourself and what you do before you can expect anyone else to. You DO have the responsiblity for human life -- the one you brought into this world.

As far as what you should do when he gets home -- I'd cut the dramatics. It's not my style. I don't do ultimatums. You need to discuss it with him -- not attack -- and he needs to stop the attacking too. It's not a matter of who is more important or doing the more important thing. You're supposed to be working together as a family unit towards a goal.

ETA: the whole God complex will only get worse as they move forward in training if left unchecked.

[Rapunzel]

PS- I also recommend sex. Has a massively calming impact on the male assholian behavior.

Amen to that.

[GrayMatterWife]

Ha! Truer words have never been spoken.

Double dittos. Sorry...I know it can be infuriating advice, but it is really true.