If you had to do it all again...

[SoonerTexan]

1. What would you do differently this time around?

2. What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse started the whole training process?

I'm going to start this "grand adventure" next year, and I'd love all the advice I can get!

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he'll be doing after the first 2 years...

[SuzySunshine]

1. What would you do differently this time around?
I don't think we would do anything differently, my husband decided after a day of orientation at our in state medical school to go to a private medical school he got into off of the wait list. We loved having the experience of living in CA for almost 5 years and I think lived a much different medical school experience then we would have otherwise, not so much because of the school but because of the distance from our families. We were able to start our marriage as our life and not have a lot of interference. We also made great friends and realized we would never want to live there permanently so we came back to the midwest for residency.

2. What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse
started the whole training process?
I'm not sure if they would still be shocks or not but the biggest shocks to us were how much he needed to study during 1st year of medical school. My DH was the one you always hated in college - went to lecture, reviewed his notes and then aced the exam. Med school was so much harder especially the first year "weed out" classes. How many hours he had to work during some rotations as a med student was a shock too but after the first couple you just got used to it.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he'll be doing after the first 2 years... STUDYING, a LOT! Anatomy is usually a weed out class at most institutions and then are others.

[Rapunzel]

LOL I read "What would you do if you had to do it all again?" and I immediately thought, "Slit my wrists!" because the idea of going BACK into the 10 years of training (med school, residency, AND subspecializing) makes me just get...faint.




Sorry all you sweet, adorable little kittens!

[SoonerTexan]

Oh yeah, and one more:

3. What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

Ironically, since both his parents are doctors, you'd think we would have a good resource, but J's family just doesn't communicate like mine does and he never talks about what their experiences were. In fact, J's dad was on the admissions committee at one of our top picks just 5 years ago, and he hasn't talked about that at all!

I actually have a pretty close relationship with my future-in-laws, and I've talked to them (mostly his mother) about it. I got some good insights, but 2 spouses who went through medical training together is still different than what we will face.

Anyway, sorry for the blabbing!

[GrayMatterWife]

1. What would you do differently this time around?

Start earlier having kids; have more kids; worry less about doing things right.

Not be a complete screw-up in high school; more options would have been available to me; major in classics and get a PhD in medieval studies.

2. What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse started the whole training process?

That NSG residency didn't: drive us to divorce; kill him; result in me killing him. All "advice" I got re: NSG was over-dramatized and relied on stereotypes.

I'm going to start this "grand adventure" next year, and I'd love all the advice I can get!

Don't hold dinner; don't be mad at him about stuff he can't control; hold him accountable for stuff he can control--don't let him get away with being an idiot because he's a resident and "stressed out"; have a good sense of humor; try to have as much sex as possible (with your DH/SO, of course!); recognize that this time in your life will end, so enjoy it and tolerate it the best that you can; and don't let it define you--not this life, not his career, not "being a doctor's wife." You were you long before he came along, and you will continue to be you, regardless of what path he chooses for his career. If you lose sight of that, you lose yourself.

[DCJenn]

1) What would I do differently?

Nothing. Because the best lesson I can impart to anyone on this medical spouse journey is to accept that truly, there is no control. This is particularly true of the training years. Just hang on.

2) What was a shock?

That ten years into this bizarre life that I wouldn't change anything.

3) What do I wish I had known from the beginning?

I can't think of anything. Sometimes it's better not to know.

Jenn

I agree with Jenn's answer to #1 and that it applies to other things as well.

ITA with Cheri's #2. The first few months of med school were an adjustment for both of us. He had been out of school for a few years and we were used to having more free time together. He was out of practice for life and hours of a student. As Cheri said, he actively engaged in classes and studying in college though it was relatively easy for him. Reality was bitch for the first semester of med school. It all worked out even when it didn't seem like it (med school, residency, etc) would.

[SuzySunshine]

3. What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

This definitely goes back to what Abigail said but goes with the chosen specialty - that NSG is not as bad as its made out to be, so find a specialty you love and do it regardless of what others tell you. When he's happier you'll be happier.

[SoonerTexan]

My DH was the one you always hated in college - went to lecture, reviewed his notes and then aced the exam.

Crap, that's J.

Haha, this is a little evil, but it will kind of be nice to see him have to work hard. He has a 3.98 and still has a ridiculous amount of free time.

I, on the other hand, am always drowning in schoolwork, jobs, internship (I'm on freakin' number 5 right now), and wayyy too many extracurricular activities.

He has one week that is as busy as a regular ol' week for me and whines like no other. I guess it will be justified at some point...

[Rapunzel]

OK, OK, seriously now....

1) What would you do differently this time around?

I would have investigated buying a house during medical school much earlier than we did. It actually saved us a lot of money when we bought a townhouse around the beginning of second year.

2) What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse
started the whole training process?

The fact that residency exists. No joke - dh was already well into his FIRST YEAR OF MEDICAL SCHOOL when he came home and blurted out, "Did you know that when I graduate I'm not done training?!?" LOL We were sooooo naive. We honestly didn't know that there was something called residency after med school. LOL

3) What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

How many, many spouses are in the exact same boat. I would have relied a whole lot more emotionally on others rather than expecting my dh to be able to be there for me.

[SoonerTexan]

and don't let it define you--not this life, not his career, not "being a doctor's wife." You were you long before he came along, and you will continue to be you, regardless of what path he chooses for his career. If you lose sight of that, you lose yourself.

That's really good advice, especially for me, but it is going to be so hard to do.

I'm only a whopping 21 years old right now, and I met/started dating J when I was only 15. By the time we were both 17 we were stuck together like glue and he was pretty sure about being a doctor even then. So by the time I really started thinking about the future and what it would be like, both J and medical school were already in the picture.

[MarissaNicole]

1) What would you do differently this time around?

Nothing

2) What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse
started the whole training process?

The fact that residents get paid CRAP (average is in the $40,000s).

Also you will get REALLY annoyed of strangers and even family ooohing and ahhing over the fact that your husband is going to be a doctor (like that is why you married him)... and always talking about how you must be or will be rich.

3) What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

How VERY LITTLE CONTROL you have over your future - granted some graduates and some specialties have more or less control but overall I had no idea how little control I would have over this match process... I thought after graduation it was more like looking for a job... I had no idea I would have to be willing to move across the country in order for my husband to pursue his dream!

4) Advice

a) Go to the best medical school your DH can get into. I look back now and my first priority was for us to be close to home but realize now that the school DH goes to is somewhat limiting his future potential. Also if you are torn between a state school and a public school (both equal in reputation) then I would say go to the state school to save the money.

b) You're gonna be poor, hes gonna be tired, you're gonna worry - but everything will be just fine. You get through it. You'll have highs and lows and those outside of medicine won't understand your life, but you can still be happy!

Honestly DH and I didn't find medical school to be as hard as everyone makes it out to be - it just requires time management.

c) Consider his medical career a team thing - your help will not only help him excell it will also help you to be involved. For example when you have to do more of the house work just remember you are doing it so that he can have more study time. When he has to study more try and go with him to the library, or coffee shop, or meet him for a lunch break. Quiz him with notecards if you can. When he is on his surgery rotation make sure he has lots of power bars (because he may not eat). Be his biggest cheerleader, celebrate every little victory and when he doubts himself encourage him!

d) Make sure you have your own hobbies and own friends. Set your own goals to keep yourself satisfied and busy.

e) Focus on QUALITY time not quantity of time.

[ladymoreta]

1. What would you do differently this time around?

Haha I had the same thought as Rapunzel! Joking aside... It took me a long time to get into call nights. Now, while I'd still rather have him home, I feel like I do a lot better with them. I have a lot more dinners with my girl friends, and sometimes it's just nice to have some me-time. I don't dread sitting around wishing he were here because I've learned to be by myself.

2. What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse started the whole training process?

The Match was a huge shock to me. I thought it would be like medical school, where we got the final say in where we'd end up. When I found out about the whole process, I was just floored. I'd never felt so out of control of my life. Of course, it worked out great, and I feel silly for all the worrying I did...

3. What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

I wish I'd known how strong we would become as a couple. We got married in undergrad, and it was honestly like a 4-year honeymoon. Medical school was a huge change for us, and I really struggled with some stuff (some related to his training, some not), and it really brought us together. I've seen our marriage go through high points, low points, and those odd middle-ground points where you're more friends than spouses, and I love him more today than I have ever loved him before. And tomorrow and the next day and year and decade and beyond, I know I'll be saying the same thing.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he'll be doing after the first 2 years...

There are some things you just don't want to know... He'll still have the occasional lecture and exam, but he'll be spending a LOT of time in the hospital, doing rotations in different specialties. That will most likely continue through his intern year. Then he'll still be doing rotations, but they'll be in different areas of his chosen specialty. Most of them change monthly.

For rotations, it kind of depends on the attending. Some attendings let the medical students do procedures, and some prefer to have them just shadow. They'll have to "pre-round", so they visit the patients first, very early in the morning. Then they round with the residents. Then they round with the residents and the attendings. This is why patients hate teaching hospitals.

[houseelf]

I always find these philosophical questions difficult because it is hard for me to cleave away what I have learned from life experience as oppossed to what I have gleaned from our somewhat atypical medical journey. There will definitely be some comingling.

1) What would you do differently this time around?

Grey Matter Wife wrote:

don't let him get away with being an idiot because he's a resident and "stressed out"; have a good sense of humor;

ITA.

At the lowest points of our marriage, when we were contemplating why we were even trying to make it work, one of us could always crack a joke and we somehow knew that we were back in the game. Don't underestimate the power of humor.

I also agree that letting the doc be a jerk because he is tired/stressed/or just generally being a surgeon (ahem) sets a bad precedent. The patterns set in years of training are very hard to break, my friends.

I also would that I would have realized that I alone am responsible for my happiness. I was about four years into residency when I just sort of got over it. I booked the sitter, paid for the race, and ran that marathon. I bought tickets to see Sting. I had lunch once a week with a girlfriend at work. It was completely irresponsible financially, but I built my own life and my own happiness outside of my mommyness or my absent husband. In other words, I would have learned to take care of my dreams and needs sooner rather than later. Medicine can voraciously suck up resources. Still, you need to make sure some of the family's resources are allocated to you, even if it means hiring some things out.

I would have feared being a bitch a whole lot less and made some hard or unpopular decisions earlier on. (Studies reveal that the elderly regret the risks they didn't take more than the ones that they did. I *totally* undestand this already). This particular nugget isn't about my marriage, rather it is more representative of what life has taught me. I wish I would have told someone earlier on in my life to go fly a kite when something they wanted went against my deeply held sentiments. I think this would have freed me from a lifetime habit of wanting to please others.

2) What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse started the whole training process?

We were so smug that everyone else before us were a bunch of whiners and we would conquer this residency thing unscathed. We were capable Type As in love. I mean, how hard could an academic surgical residency be? ()

Medicine has touched us in ways that we could have never forseen, both good and bad. I can't think of an area of our life that medicine hasn't permeated, from hobbies to procreation to marital communication patterns. It continues to be a shock that a medical career changes the very fabric of one's life. It sounds lame, but this isn't just a job, it is an entire lifestyle.

3) What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!)

Sally said it best and I'll probably fumble as I attempt to paraphrase. Training can suck hard. At the same time, it doesn't last forever. (Believe me, we did nine years of residency and it did indeed end).

What I take from this don't let the suckiness rob you of the brillant moments that do occur. You have to grab onto that bit of joy and revel in it. Take it when you can and hold onto it. Happiness is at least partly a choice. You have chant this until you inculcate the message into your bones.

I wish you all luck. I hope that my mistakes serve as a warning to others!

Kelly

[DCJenn]

Here's another nugget from those of us who are 'done' (says the woman whose husband needs to do 'just one more' fellowship)

It's really hard to impart to you all who are just starting this journey or even to those who are at some point in the early stages just how amazingly difficult it will be. Not can be, might be, possibly could be- but WILL BE.

For some it's intern year, for some it's PGY-2. For others it's that last year of residency. That mid year of fellowship. Bottom line, you will have ONE (or more) completely horrific years. AND (this is the funny part) it's the same year that your spouse has a concurrently horrific year/years.

Everyone always asks which year is worse (and of course, when to get married and when to have a baby) and THE answer is:




IT depends.


For MY husband and for ME it was the second half of intern year (the moment- February of 2001- I found this place and I think our members were: me, Kelly, Sally, Kris, and Rapunzel. and a few others who either ditched us or their spouses- we will never know) and pretty much all of fellowship. (that's the three year fellowship, FYI)

so, out of six years of training we had one GREAT year (3rd year peds residency), one good year (second year) one generally OK 6 months (first six months of intern year- we were newlyweds, I think it was the endorphins) The rest pretty much blew chunks.

But we made it. As Kelly said, humor is key.

and finding support-

The people here have helped get me through some really, REALLY bad stuff. Get to know the people who are in the same place in the process because trust me, we who have finished don't really want to remember. It's a lot easier for someone who is also facing their spouse's intern year to commiserate than it is for me who really doesn't want to remember my husband falling asleep holding my hands and looking at me lovingly while waiting for our waiter to bring our food.

and once again-

Good luck

Jenn