If you had to do it all again...

[SuzySunshine]

One thing I did make him promise was that he could cut back on XBox once we got married--I spend way too many hours "spending time together" watching him play. He agreed that he wouldn't play when I'm around, only when he has free time on his own.

I was floored when he said that...there is hope!

I would just be careful with promises like this - yes they work their tails off and yes we are usually left behind but they still need their releases. I'd rather my husband play the Wii in the evenings (after A goes to bed) or play golf with his buddies then be a stress ball because I won't let him do his things. I need time off from my job, being a mom, and he needs time off too.

[SoonerTexan]

I would just be careful with promises like this - yes they work their tails off and yes we are usually left behind but they still need their releases. I'd rather my husband play the Wii in the evenings (after A goes to bed) or play golf with his buddies then be a stress ball because I won't let him do his things. I need time off from my job, being a mom, and he needs time off too.

Good point. I'm talking more about counting it as "spending time together"

Honestly, if we had it to do again, DH would not have gone to med school. We talk about this a lot, and I really hope he feels differently one day, but so far he doesn't love it the way he thought he would, and he really hates that it has robbed him of so many other parts of his life. Med school has been really hard for him. I'm impressed with those who were able to continue cycling; that's just one of the hobbies he had to give up because he just didn't have time. I am eternally gratefully that he makes time for me. But he is terrified about not being able to be the kind of father he wants to be once we have children. I am so sorry to take such a negative tone, but I wish he had listened to everyone who told him "don't do it," and I really wish the naysayers had been more specific. He comes from a family of health care professionals, so to some extent we knew what we were getting into, but we did not give enough thought to the reality of and consequences of such a demanding trajectory. If it's what he really loves and wants to do, there are many good examples here of how to make the best of it. I would just caution you both to seriously consider the implications of a career in medicine. So hopefully, you won't end up screaming YOU DID NOT DISCLOSE THIS quite as frequently as I did during MS1/our newlywed days.

[Pollyanna]

Good point. I'm talking more about counting it as "spending time together"

Just like you are beginning to enjoy cycling together you can enjoy playing video games together. Challenging each other in Guitar Hero and Wii Fit is super fun!

[mommax3]

1. What would you do differently this time around? We maybe would have waited a little longer to have kids, so I could have worked through all of med school. I don't know, though.....for us, having our first during intern year would have been a nightmare. As it was, we had our second at the end of intern year and it was pretty dang hard.

2. What wouldn't be a major shock, but was when you and your spouse started the whole training process? That his specialty really really sucks as a lifestyle choice, not just during residency, but forever.

3. What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!) This is a hard one for me. If I had known what the whole journey would entail (including DH's eight years of active duty, which was part of our journey) I would have said NO WAY to the the whole thing. But then I would have missed so many great times, great friends, and great experiences, as well as the bad stuff. I think I am just glad I didn't know everything from the beginning.

It is a very long road. Everyone else has given excellent advice. Becoming (more) self-reliant and independent saved me when our family (which included a 2 year old) moved hundreds of miles away from family and friends for DH to start residency. I *rarely* saw him the first three years, but I had a great time living in San Antonio, and when we were together, we made some great memories (and two more kids)! I know it meant a lot to DH that I found ways to be happy without him. It would have really added to his stress if he had thought I was miserable all of the time.

Whoever said that "it's never really over" was right, too. There is always something with medicine. I am proud of my husband, but I do wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who was home most nights and most weekends. I choose on a regular basis to not let my disappointment about his schedule ruin our relationship. This is who he is, and he is good at what he does. His patients tend to skew to the difficult and volatile side, but they (and their babies) deserve good care from someone who will take time to listen to them. DH is that guy. Dammit.

[DCJenn]

One more thing-

Kris hadn't written her book yet, when we all started. If you haven't yet purchased it, do it! She'll never tell you to go and get it because she's too modest.

Jenn

[MarissaNicole]

One more thing-

Kris hadn't written her book yet, when we all started. If you haven't yet purchased it, do it! She'll never tell you to go and get it because she's too modest.

Jenn

I just got it in the mail last week and I got through chapter 10 in one sitting! It is great!

[SoonerTexan]

Book? What is the name of it?

[MarissaNicole]

Book? What is the name of it?

Surviving Residency by Kris Math

Clicky

[SoonerTexan]

Just looked it up on Amazon--5 kids and a husband in ID--you might just be my idol!

and she created this site.

[bokelley]

I have the book and love it

3. What do you wish you had known at the beginning (a little redundant, but I want to know!) This is a hard one for me. If I had known what the whole journey would entail (including DH's eight years of active duty, which was part of our journey) I would have said NO WAY to the the whole thing. But then I would have missed so many great times, great friends, and great experiences, as well as the bad stuff. I think I am just glad I didn't know everything from the beginning.

This is how I feel too (apart from the active duty part). If I had know that we would be married 13 years (this will be the minimum) before we will get to own our own home, I would have thought that was ridiculous!

I get hung up on some of DH's decisions sometimes, where he went to med school, the residency that he chose, especially because of the time that they added to the journey. He started med school at the same time as spottydog's DH and is doing the same specialty, and they are living their dream while we still have 2 more years!!! And the major moves that we have had to do to get this thing done have been more extreme than most. But when I am old I hope that I will be glad of the adventures we have had and the people we have met.

When it comes down to it, any other career path would not have fulfilled him in a way that medicine can, and even though this has been so hard he says he would not have changed a thing. I guess that means I wouldn't have either.

[oceanchild]

You've really got me thinking about what we would have done differently. I think if you ask my husband, he'll say he wouldn't have gone to the med school he did. It ended up having a lot of obnoxious admin problems, and we paid a LOT of money (in loans) for it.

But his going to school there allowed me to live somewhere I always wanted to live and have some pretty amazing work experience in the process. So I'm not sure I'd want to change it.

I guess that just goes to show you that there are pros and cons to all of these decisions. So maybe the best you can do is go into it with good information and realize not everything will go the way you want it to.

My other piece of advice comes as another person who met her spouse in high school, dated throughout, and got married after college. You can stick together like glue, but be sure to keep your own space. Don't be afraid to make your own friends, or pursue activities he doesn't care for (even if it means doing them alone sometimes). It's great to be someone's wife, but it's also important to be your own person, especially when your spouse is a busy med student/resident/attending.

(Also, don't count on the medical parents. School things have changed a lot since they did it. At least that's true of my FIL.)

[L.Jane]

My other piece of advice comes as another person who met her spouse in high school, dated throughout, and got married after college. You can stick together like glue, but be sure to keep your own space. Don't be afraid to make your own friends, or pursue activities he doesn't care for (even if it means doing them alone sometimes). It's great to be someone's wife, but it's also important to be your own person, especially when your spouse is a busy med student/resident/attending.

(Also, don't count on the medical parents. School things have changed a lot since they did it. At least that's true of my FIL.)

Not to Hijack the thread, but does it ever feel to you like you are
leading two lives? Ive got my couple life and my single life at the
same time. I mean people know I am with my SO, but several of the
people I hang out with have never met him, or if they have, it was very
briefly and its like he doesn't exist. I volunteer and socialize most
of the time with out him, so its like I have two separate lives. I'm
not complaining. I'm used to it. Its just an odd reality I seem to live
in.