Feeling clinical.....sorry this is long... :(

First off, I'm SO glad that I’ve found this forum! It’s so wonderful to be able to share with people who have actually BTDT.

I'll try to keep my crappy story short, but I really need some advice, I’m hitting a low point here.

Ok my husband just started med school like a month ago and already I can see that this is going to be a long and painful road. We've been married 5 years, (I was 22 he was 21, WAY too young and we've had our ups and downs but its worked out) We just moved over 600 miles from where we lived for him to attend medical school and I am feeling insanely lonely and isolated.

Back home I had been working in engineering for almost 8 years and I’m burnt out. I fell into that job and I want to do something else with my life, but God only knows what that is. So in the meantime I took a much lower paying local job instead of something corporate in the city, so I could be close by the school to (hopefully) see the DH more often. But instead it has made my husband respect me less for not being as ambitious as he.

It’s been a difficult time since we moved here, he is incredibly social and has made many of friends at school in which he studies with and "celebrates" with after their med school accomplishments. Since I'm working all the time and obviously never see him its kind of disappointing to come home to a bunch of med students playing beer pong in my living room on a Friday night when I was looking forward to actually spending some time with my husband.

He has no idea how lucky he is to have a wife that doesn’t give him crap for stuff like that, and just blend in and have a great time. (I try REALLY hard to be that "fun" and "cool" older married person, since all of his classmates are single and like 22)

Anyways, I'll try and get to the point (sorry!)

So besides feeling invisible, old and unaccomplished I did manage to make one new friend in the area that shares my common interest of riding horses. Three weeks ago I went riding with her and got thrown from the horse. I hurt my back pretty bad and have just been able to walk normally this week. My DH was very supportive in the beginning, and I felt horrible for being a "distraction" because he had to come home between classes to help me even go to the bathroom.

So the reasons I’m feeling so clinical and drowning in my pity party tears today are:
1. He's been hinting that the reason he didn’t do so well on one of his first tests is because of me and my injury.
2. We are very outdoorsy people (hiking, backpacking, rock climbing, kayaking, etc.) ALL of which I can’t do and probably won’t be able to do for a while, so now I’m no fun to hang out with.
3. I'm wasting my life and rotting my brain for not having a high-paying job like I did before.
4. Sex is difficult and very painful for me at best, so it’s not really happening.
5. I don’t know a soul within an 800 mile radius and have NO clue how to make any friends.

So if can give some advice on how to even slightly improve my situation, it would be greatly appreciated.

And if you actually read this entirely too long post thank you, you’re a saint!

[L.Jane]

Hi, Im not married, nor did I go through the whole med school experience with my SO, so I am going to try and keep mum on the parts I have no qualifications to talk about, but what I do want to say is no one should treat you like you are less because you are sacrificing for them. You moved for him, you got a job closer to his school for him, your supporting him, and you should receive the same support back. When you love a someone, and you take vows, you dont just say, Ill love you when you are fun. You say for better or for worse and a lot of times in a relationship it is for worse. A relationship is work. Have you discussed your feeling with him?

As for the moving and finding friends. I hear you loud and clear. I just moved 1400 miles this June to live with my SO and its tough. I have one friend up here besides J, which has been a help, but other then that I have had to figure it out. I have started volunteering. I havent made any friends from it, but its a group I enjoy hanging out with every saturday. I also joined Meetup.com. I unfortunately have not been to successful in the making friends department, but keeping busy helps. I wish I could give you more advice, but once your back is better, find interest groups, book clubs, things like that where you can meet people your age and keep busy with out him.

[KCwife]

Well you have come to the right place! I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I personally think the first year of each step (MS1, intern year, attendinghood, etc) is the most difficult... big changes for everyone involved. Hopefully after a couple of months thing will die down a bit. I found that the further we got into MS1, the less my DH participated in the partying that occurred... oh, and I kinda put a stop to it.

[bokelley]

I can relate to what you have been through. DH is a MS3 now, but our first year was horrible.We had been married almost a year( I was only 21 when we got married), and I had never been away from my family. We moved like 500 miles away from home, to Iowa. I hated it there. It was so cold and just plain horrible. DH was always gone and I had no one. Something that helped me alot was webcams with family and friends. IT is amazing how much it helped with the homesickness. DH and I also started a movie night. We got netflix, which is fairly cheap and every Friday night at 11 we would watch a movie together and eat popcorn. It wasn't a huge date night but at least it was something that we did together. One week he would pick the movie the next time I would. Since money is hard to come by during schooling, this was a cheap date night for us. It started getting to the point where we looked forward to it. There are going to be bad test and good test. Sometimes you will ace it sometimes you don't. Things happen, although it is medical school, taking care of your spouse comes first. As far as making friends, I joined a gym, and got a little part time job. I worked at a tanning salon, and I loved being able to meet all the people in the town and develop friendships with the girls. Once you start feeling better, get out and about. Go to local shops and hang out. The hard fact is he is going to be gone alot, so you just have to become comfortable with being by yourself. Do something you always wanted to do, grab a coffee and take a walk. We have two dogs, if I didn't have them I am not sure I could have made it. They are so comforting to have. I hope this helps, I have been there. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me. The first year was the hardest, but it does get a little better!! Hope you feel better soon!!

[niener]

I love Brandi's idea of the webcam to keep up with family and friends. Especially now with your back being a hindrance.

First of all... big hug! I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now, but you have definitely come to the right place. There are very few things these spouses haven't lived through; they're a great sounding board to bounce things off of.

I can't speak on the being-in-a-new-town thing (haven't gone through that just yet), but I can tell you that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should make you feel bad about your job choice, especially not the man who is currently being supported by that job! It does no one any good if you take a higher paying job just for the money and "status" but that just makes you miserable and unhappy. A couple of years ago I made a similarly difficult decision to give up a well-paying and highly regarded career to do something I actually enjoyed. I got quite a bit of flack for this (thankfully not from DH), but in the end everyone was happier because they saw how much happier I was. I hope your DH will see this in you as well and realize prestige isn't everything.

And if you truly do feel like your brain is rotting away (I felt this way quite a bit when I took my new job), try joining a book club, going to a museum, or even buying a book of brain teasers. That may sound really lame, but those things kept me busy for hours and I felt good about exercising my brain. Plus the book club and museum can be a good way to meet people!

Hang in there!!! And post often if you feel comfortable!

[DCJenn]

You will find that there is a definite ebb and flow to the medical life. and I won't sugar coat it and say that it's all rosy once training is over because the ebb and flow are still there.

BUT, moving to a new place is hard. Working is a source of some social outlet, so that helps. Figure out what you want to do FOR YOU right now. Have you always wanted to learn Spanish, to knit, to do yoga, to do a marathon, go back to school? Every single one of us old-timers has sought out something that just belongs TO US. Lots have done their own advanced degree, some have learned new skills (we have some amazing bakers on this site), some have challenged themselves by running marathons.

You need to figure out what you need.

And you need to tell your husband that socializing is a part of medicine but big boys include their spouses. (although, let me tell you, that often, medically related events are horrifically boring to anyone who isn't in medicine.) He needs to at the minimum extend the invitation to you and let you decide if you feel like listening to them blather on.

To be honest, he hasn't been slapped down by The Bitch (that's medicine) yet. He will. Then you'll get to deal with the "I'm so stupid, why did I decide to do this" BS. Medical training makes them bi-polar.

and you have ultimately picked the best place to go for support. right here!

Jenn

Medical training makes them bi-polar.

Jenn

How absolutely true is this?!

Thank you guys SO much! Its so comforting to know that there are other people out there who have been through this before, I'm SO glad I found this site!

Thanks for the great advice, with you all's kind and encouraging words i was able to get out of my funk for a little bit. I've tried to expect not to see him at home every night and to do what I want instead.
So far I've painted my bathroom, mowed the lawn and hung some pictures lol

I must admit, its daunting to know that this situation isnt going to change for 7+ years, if ever. I feel like ive lost my best friend, and I'm sad that we probably wont ever have a "normal" life again in which we can enjoy eachother. I don't know how all you amazing ladies do it with children!

But, on the bright side, I am trying to rehabilitate my back by walking on the nearby bike trail and it is feeling better. (also mowing the lawn is kinda like walking around with a walker ...lol )I think in another couple weeks i should be good to go!

Oh and I took your advice L.Jane and joined Meetup.com. I joined like 8 groups the other night...lol. Hopefully I'll be able to meet some new people in the area.

All and all, I really truly am grateful to have found this site and all of you wonderful people who "get" it.
hugs to you all!!

[quote=Peep;444403]

I must admit, its daunting to know that this situation isnt going to change for 7+ years, if ever. I feel like ive lost my best friend, and I'm sad that we probably wont ever have a "normal" life again in which we can enjoy eachother.
quote]

Welcome to our group! I just joined a few weeks ago, and it has been such a comfort. I am struggling with the same thing as you right now...realizing that I'll never be able to spend as much time as I want with DF. I just keep telling myself, "things could be worse, be grateful for what you have now!" I do hear that 1st year is a HUGE adjustment, and you've come to the right place for support. I am sorry to hear that DH is not only not supportive of your job choice, but looks down on it as well! That's got to be so frustrating for you, and scary too. I've always worried that DF will come home from work to me and be unhappy that I'm not as driven/smart/intense as the people (read: women) he works with. But he keeps reassuring me that he doesn't want to be around that on his down time. Give your DH some time, he will most likely change his tune and be grateful for someone who has sacrificed a higher paying job for him. I think soon he will need your support and come around. It is too bad you have to put up with this behavior in the meantime.

Like the other people in this thread have said, pick up a hobby when you recover. People in my life kept telling me that and I'd get so mad. I'd think "how insulting to treat me like a child and tell me to amuse myself...they have no idea how hard this is". And it is true, hardly anyone knows what it is like. But picking up a hobby does help. Not just to amuse yourself, but to have something in your life that you value. I am a person that finds happiness in people...I love being with my family, friends, and DF. I love doing things with them and for them. When we move for DF's residency, I won't have my family, friends, or DF (he'll be working so much) so my plan is to continue my current hobbies in whatever city I move to. DF is happy I've picked up some interests too - knowing that I'm unhappy adds to his stress, and he's already stressed enough!

Anyway, I really hope things improve for you. Keep us posted, we are all hear to listen and help!

correction: we're all here

I really really admire you ladies, you are all wives and mothers (to two legged and 4 legged children) and yet you are still happy, you keep it all together and you still have a relationship with your spouses. You are amazing!

I'm coming un-glued. I am completely sad and frustrated about my DH. He's been working so hard, and i expected him to be gone all the time, but i also at least expected him to still be loving and nice to me at least?? or am I shooting for the moon here? Everytime i do see him he is very critical of me, not very affectionate and when he does have freetime he doesnt turn to me first because he's missed spending time with me. I almost feel like why the heck am i even here??? He would be better off not having to worry about a wife at home, or my feelings/needs whatever.

What can I do? He's not the type to confide in me how worried/frustrated or (pick any emotion) he may be. He doesnt express himself like that. But i would really like to help, to be there for him, to be a team like we used to be.

Then last night i asked him something, and he blew up at me, still not wanting to see /talk to me as of right now, and he thiks that its the most f-ed up question i could possibly ask him.

I asked him hypothetically, if he knew right now that medical school would ultimately ruin our marriage, would he continue to go?

I only asked it because i wanted to know if i was still a priority in his life, if he still loved me enough to want to be with me, start a family, etc.

I know it was probably a bad move... any advice??? I'm in such a dark place right now, and i have no one.

I encourage you to surf all the different postings. I think you will find that most, if not all, of these women are either currently in a similar position or have been there. With med school - I think the one thing I had to come to grips with - was no - I might not be #1 in DH life at that time, but it was not a "choice" of DH. It wasn't like he was electing to take one for the team and do all of this to be away from you as a choice. He has no choice. I remember 1st Valentines as a married couple - third year. He was in surgery rotation and stressed wicked bad. He said he didn't have much time for the dinner that I had worked hard to prepare because he needed to study. Bwwhhahahah! I think for so many of them - once med school starts - they are in a whole new realm. No longer are they the smartest in the class, they are now just another average joe meshed with the rest. Such an adjustment. Then the pressure to rise to the top becomes consuming. Give him some time. It will balance out.

Do you work outside of the home? Do you have other outlets?

Then last night i asked him something, and he blew up at me, still not wanting to see /talk to me as of right now, and he thiks that its the most f-ed up question i could possibly ask him.

I asked him hypothetically, if he knew right now that medical school would ultimately ruin our marriage, would he continue to go?

I only asked it because i wanted to know if i was still a priority in his life, if he still loved me enough to want to be with me, start a family, etc.

I know it was probably a bad move... any advice??? I'm in such a dark place right now, and i have no one.

I don't think it was wrong of you to ask that question. You are married to one another and he should take your concerns/worries into serious consideration - especially this one about such a big issue. I think most of the time they're frustrated because they don't want the long hours/harsh competition/high stress either. When they don't have support from others (their significant others) I think it is even harder to stay motivated and stick with it. I try to be a cheerleader for my fiance as much as possible but I do have moments of fear (how will this ever work out?) and disappointment. With that said, it's never gotten to the point where I had to ask the question you asked your husband. He's always told me if it came to marriage or medicine, he'd pick marriage. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think other people on this forum have experienced what you have (I mean, specifically this issue). I suggest you look around and read more of the posts because you will gain insight from other people's experiences and understand that you are not alone in this. Off hand I know in these situations a lot of the members here suggest marriage counseling. There should counselors provided by the school, and more often than not the spouses are open to it. I wish you the best of luck, and welcome to the forum.

[ladymoreta]

I really really admire you ladies, you are all wives and mothers (to two legged and 4 legged children) and yet you are still happy, you keep it all together and you still have a relationship with your spouses. You are amazing!

Well, I'd like to thank you for the compliment, but unfortunately most of us don't really feel like we fit that description! Most of the time, I feel like I take my good times when I can get them and hope the bad times pass as quickly as possible. I can see how you would be feeling really discouraged if you think that we are all happily chugging along running things without a hitch and spending tons of quality time with our spouses. We do try to put a positive spin on things to avoid sounding whiney sometimes, but believe me, we know this life is hard! You can always come here and vent, and many of us will be or have been in the same situation.

I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like your husband just isn't being a very nice person right now. Before medical school, did he show these tendencies? Like when he was studying for the MCAT? DCJenn is so right - the stress can make them seem like a completely different person than you knew sometimes, but if he's completely changed, I'd say it's time for a visit to a marital therapist. If he doesn't respect you enough to work through this with a one-on-one conversation, hopefully a trained therapist can make a difference.

Regardless of how much crap he's dealing with in school, there is no excuse for taking it out on you. If he really is a good guy, the ego will wear off, and he will realize that he needs you. You are making as much, if not more, of a sacrifice as he is for his dream, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

You already got alot of great advice. I've been with my husband for 13 years (we went to college together) and the times I have done the best in this journey are when I have created my own little network of friends and things to do. When I know he is off I plan to be home and have family time if he wants to, or sometimes he likes to sleep. But when I know he is not going to be home I make plans. I was on TheKnot.com when I got married and then moved to TheNest.com for married women. For a few years the same group of girls that got engaged when I did chatted and we all had our first babies at the same time, so we formed a mommy group that is now 60 people. I have told DH that when we move, I just need an internet connection and I will be able to make some friends, as well as keep in touch with the old ones.

Med school did definitely change my husband, not all times for the better. He holds even more emotion in now (as a general surgery resident) than ever before. Sometimes I get resentful of that but most of the time I think that is what makes him good at his job. If he was emotional about everything, he would be a basketcase with all of the tragedy he sees each day. I'm his #1 supporter and he knows that. I realize I'm not always #1 to him on a daily basis though. I have told him he MUST be there when I am delivering any child - or I've threatened not to include his name on the birth certificate (kidding, but I want my point to be heard!!). Now that residency is nearly over, I have definitely found a balance that works for us but now it's time to move on to a new challenge with fellowship.

One other thing that helped me in the beginning of our marriage was that I had to stop comparing my (lonely and isolated) life to my other friends' newlywed lives. I also had to throw out the notion of family time that I had while growing up. No dinner at 6pm with the local news in the background, no Saturday mornings around the table with pancakes, no ability to make weekend plans with him. Letting go of that and gradually making my OWN plans really helped me tremendously. You will get through this!