Paging

[Deebs]

During training, DH and I came up with a system to let each other know whether or not a page was just to say "hi", to take care of something that needed to be dealt with in the short term (like same-day financial decisions, etc - or the "did you pay the mortgage, it's due today" kind of questions), or really something that was urgent or emergent. I can't remember exactly what it was, but something along the lines of 911 for an emergency, 711 for call back in the short term, 511 for get back to me today, 311 for call if you can, I miss you. It worked for us (we were both often unavailable at work and required to carry pagers, so it went both ways). Now, he can carry a cell phone.

[mommax3]

During residency, I paged him rarely because I knew he didn't have time to call me back....he always called me when he was on his way home or around my bedtime when he was on call.

Currently, I page him probably once a day, sometimes more. He doesn't have cell reception in the hosptial and doesn't really "get" texting. I will send stuff to his work email if it isn't a surgery day. During days when he is seeing clinic, it is pretty easy for him to return my call within 20 minutes or so. I don't usually page him just to shoot the breeze....it is either to get an ETA or to ask a specific question.

[Flynn]

How do you manage your emotions with 2 little ones if you don't get to talk to your husband? I'm just starting to feel very lonely and burned out because I have an 8-month-old daughter and a PGY2 radiology husband. I'm not sure how to keep things in check when I don't get to talk to him until he gets home (when I page, he only responds every once in a while). Then, he thinks I'm smothering him!

OK, clearly we have isues, but I don't know who else to talk to about this... maybe start a new thread?

You build a support system that does not include your husband. It's essential (IMO) to getting through the training years. You need some friends, relatives, and/or people you can call for a 5 minute "guess what" or a 30 minute "I need help!"

I think (trying to remember through the fog and the growing denial of how awful training was) there were months where I spoke to DH three times "live." Yep, it's all coming back to me now. There was a string of 50 days straight where I spoke to my DH 5 times, and saw him for more than 2 minutes 5 times. My mom kept count because it became this running joke if my "roomate" was in or out.

My DH and I left notes, voicemails and emails but both of our sleep was CRUCIAL to what we were doing and sometimes when I was awake, he was busy or sleeping at the hospital.

Yes it's very lonely -- or it can be I guess. Absolutely. That was one big reason I found this site so helpful!!!

I think as the spouse of the resident it's your job to be in total charge of everything. I needed my husband's aproval for about 5 things a year -- other than that I had complete control. We couldn't function otherwise. He was just completely unavailable for YEARS.

[Malpka]

I think as the spouse of the resident it's your job to be in total charge of everything. I needed my husband's aproval for about 5 things a year -- other than that I had complete control. We couldn't function otherwise. He was just completely unavailable for YEARS.

YES!
When I hear other people talking about things like their husband going over the bids with them for in-ground sprinklers, it still gives me a turn. What? You even ask him about stuff like that? Not me - I just go right ahead. If I waited for him to show up or give his opinion, I would be waiting forever. He trusts me to take care of all that, and it works for us.

YES!
When I hear other people talking about things like their husband going over the bids with them for in-ground sprinklers, it still gives me a turn. What? You even ask him about stuff like that? Not me - I just go right ahead. If I waited for him to show up or give his opinion, I would be waiting forever. He trusts me to take care of all that, and it works for us.

We operate the same way. The only time I've really been sad about it was this past Mother's Day for some reason. He hasn't been home for any of them, this was my 3rd (1st as a mom of two). I had a hard time on my mommy chat board and facebook seeing all my friends go out to brunch with the family, the beautiful necklace, thoughtful card, dinner as a family, etc. My husband never even called or acknowledged it. I made a comment a few weeks later that I must be a crappy mom since he didn't even mention the day. I know for some it's a 'Hallmark Holiday' but I was hoping he'd take it as an opportunity to say thanks for doing everything, parenting alone, running the whole show. You know?

[DCJenn]

My Mother's day 2008 was awful. He did nothing and of course it never even occurred to him that maybe a card would be nice. At the end of the day he went out for a bit and came back with a half dead insanely expensive (I know because I pay the bills...) bouquet from Whole Foods.

This year he did much better but I think it was because every day for a week I said "so, what are you guys going to do for me for Mother's Day this year. Since you forgot last year and all..." (I was still mad)

Jenn

I love the fact that you mentioned the flowers. I got roses from 1800Flowers on our anniversary but I knew I got them before they arrived because I saw the $49.95 debited from our account! AHHH! I stifled my concern about the cost and just tried to be really happy that he was remembering and being sweet.

I was also pretty specific too - I wanted a card and to go on a family picnic when he had some time off (he had off the following week). Here it is October and I'm still bitter!

[Meenah]

Allibees, FLynn is right, you must build a support system that does not include your DH. It is best to assume they won't come home when they say they will, they will always be late. If you can get to a point that you assume they will NOT be participating in whatever it is you have planned, you will be much happier. Let him know what and where something is planned, and if he can't make it (most of the time) fine, if he can make it, great.

Eventually you may find yourself reacting the way I do when they come home early. I will be home alone, annoyed that he isn't home, and when he comes in much earlier than expected, I think WTH are you doing here interrupting me!!!!!!

YES!
When I hear other people talking about things like their husband going over the bids with them for in-ground sprinklers, it still gives me a turn. What? You even ask him about stuff like that? Not me - I just go right ahead. If I waited for him to show up or give his opinion, I would be waiting forever. He trusts me to take care of all that, and it works for us.

I know! Or arguements about paint colors! Who asks?

[DCJenn]

I think the iMSN crowd has had more of an impact on the choice of paint colors, car buying, financial decisions and whether or not to have a baby/get married/get divorced than any dawkter has.

and speaking for the dawkter in my life, he's perfectly OK with that. The last time I asked him about painting the dining room, he looked at me and said, "really, why do you ask? You know I don't care and you'll do whatever you want even if I did." (both true)

In this way he's totally unlike my father. My mother hated the china that she got for her wedding (go figure, she was in high school when she registered. ALL the girls had to go pick china, silver, crystal during their senior year- can you imagine?) Once we went to school she went to work at the local department store in the china and silver department and she decided that she wanted new china that she liked. So, dear old dad made the following stipulation- no flowers, no designs in the middle (he didn't want anything peeking out at him from his mashed potatoes), and nothing pastel. My mother didn't want anything with a metal band since she would be the one hand-washing the plates after Thanksgiving dinner (back in the day when the dishwashers would peel the metal right off). It took them YEARS to decide- and then they finally found one- and it was pretty much almost immediately discontinued. (Wedgwood Medici if anyone is curious)

I'm kinda glad that my husband is uninvolved in that level of decision making.

Jenn

[Meenah]

Yep,DH is involved in NO household decisions. Sometimes I wonder if he could even find the house if he were too exhausted.

[DCJenn]

Luanne- were you here back in the day when I had moved us out of the first apartment (the infamous papasan chair 'falling' off the back of the moving van move) when when my beloved was sent home from Ft. Hood, he had to call me for directions to his new house?

Him: honey, what's the new address?
me: 521 Wickes
him:Where is that exactly?
me: uh, right by the high school.
him: but where?
me: are you kidding?
him: no.
me: head to the brewery. When you get to the gas station, turn left. Drive down the road until you see my car.

Luanne- were you here back in the day when I had moved us out of the first apartment (the infamous papasan chair 'falling' off the back of the moving van move) when when my beloved was sent home from Ft. Hood, he had to call me for directions to his new house?

Him: honey, what's the new address?
me: 521 Wickes
him:Where is that exactly?
me: uh, right by the high school.
him: but where?
me: are you kidding?
him: no.
me: head to the brewery. When you get to the gas station, turn left. Drive down the road until you see my car.

Oh my... I have a reallllllly good feeling that THIS is going to be my life. Thank god for imsn being here to prepare me for this future in every way possible!!

[migirl]

Luanne- were you here back in the day when I had moved us out of the first apartment (the infamous papasan chair 'falling' off the back of the moving van move) when when my beloved was sent home from Ft. Hood, he had to call me for directions to his new house?

Him: honey, what's the new address?
me: 521 Wickes
him:Where is that exactly?
me: uh, right by the high school.
him: but where?
me: are you kidding?
him: no.
me: head to the brewery. When you get to the gas station, turn left. Drive down the road until you see my car.

Somehow I don't think I've heard that story before!

[HouseofWool]

Seriously Jenn? I love it. Thankfully Rick is better at his job than he is at real life!