Restaurant staff etiquette

[Vishenka69]

I was reading an article in NYTimes regarding what the author (restaurant owner and patron) would like to see in his staff and it made me realize there's a huge difference between NYC (and other large cities) and the rest of the country. More specifically, he mentioned that the staff should not make the experience about them, they should not introduce themselves or suggest their favorites from the menu. This is pretty much standard among the waitstaff at NY restaurants and we were pretty shocked to find out that exactly the opposite is true elsewhere. Not only that but the waiters in most places actually wanted to chat and make small talk. I really don't get that. We got used to it now but we'd still prefer if the NY standard was accepted.

I usually go out to spend time with DH or friends (or both) and don't really care what the waiter's name is or if he/she is allergic to shellfish and is psyched to graduate college in a month. Chances are I'll never see them again and this information is as useful to me as if a person ahead of me in the supermarket checkout said it. Interestingly enough, in the few of our favorite restaurants here that we frequent often none of the staff does this. They're courteous, polite and are there to do their job and not socialize.

So what's your take on it? Do you want to know your server's name? Do you ask what their favorites are? Or do you just want your food and stick to talk to your companions?

[Sheherezade]

I expect different service depending on the class of restaurant. In a fancy-pants place with $20+ entrees, I don't expect any chit chat unless I ask. At a family restaurant....I do. Honestly, last night at CPK, the waiter got down on one knee and talked my 13 year old through selecting a new pizza since they have discontinued the "Sweet and Spicy" sausage pizza. I thought is was very sweet of him. He seemed to understand that having your favorite pizza disappear on you is a traumatic experience. Honestly, the waiter was about 22....so he's in the same demographic as my teen. My husband read the same article and brought it up with me after the CPK dinner. I'd have given the guy less of a tip without the personal interaction last night. So, I guess doing the wrong thing there paid off for him.

I think a good waiter can read the table. He/She knows when people want to be alone and when they want to interact. They pace themselves to match the mood of the party. I'm just as annoyed when the waiter comes round at the wrong moment as I am when they don't check on us. :huh: It's a skill that good waiters develop. In the high class joints, you usually have tables of adults out spending bigger money to socialize with friends or on dates. They don't want to meet the waiter or have a conversation with them. If you are out because you don't want to cook for four tonight or because there is nothing in the fridge - different situation, different expectations.

[DCJenn]

No, I don't want to know what their life story is- I want to know what they recommend today, what just came in, what the chef is preparing and what wines they recommend with it. Perhaps if there's a special dessert that they're preparing or if there is something different or outstanding that day.

Period.

One of our favorite restaurants in the 'hood you just order what you want up at the front and the wait staff bring it to you. Zero conversation involved.

We have some restaurants in town where we are friends with the owners and that's a little different because I DO care about them and their staff but I still don't care that the waiter is graduating from college in three weeks or has a dog named Sam.

Maybe it's the East Coast in me.

Jenn

[GrayMatterWife]

So what's your take on it? Do you want to know your server's name? Do you ask what their favorites are? Or do you just want your food and stick to talk to your companions?

For me, it's relative to the situation. At an upscale, snooty restaurant where the environment is either intimate/romantic or business, then I would prefer the waiter or waitress conduct himself or herself with an awareness of that. Clearly, the dining experience is about being with my dinner companions, so allowing us that uninterrupted experience would be greatly appreciated.

If we're at a pizza joint or a family friendly restaurant, I certainly don't mind small talk. Hey, it's better than talking about Star Wars with my five-year-old. And, a lot of waiters/waitresses assume that they need to add that personal touch, to avoid appearing aloof or dismissive.

But, even with those thoughts, I really don't mind any particular style of a waiter/waitress, as long as they make me feel comfortable. Yes, they are there to do a job. But they aren't robots and it is a hard, labor-intensive job. I try not to be too judgmental. Tolerance of an overly chatty grad student/wanna be actress/waitress doesn't really cost me anything. A nice smile to a waiter that has dropped your plate, or a comforting, "Hey, don't worry about it" when he's forgotten to bring extra bread during the insane dinner shift makes MY dining experience better. Why make someone feel like crap when you're out to have fun and enjoy yourself, you know? Take people for their personalities and foibles, and let it go...

Unless the waiter is snobby. I HATE snobby waiters. Hey, jerk-off...I'm paying good money for this dinner. I don't give a crap if condiments offend you. PLEASE bring me my ketchup for the pomme frites (which are just pretenious french fries, BTW) and don't cast looks of exasperation upon me. And DON'T look pissed off at me if I don't order alcohol. I'm sorry that brings down the total bill and (you believe) results in you getting a smaller tip. I am not ordering a $13 fruity liquor because you like hammered clients with big bills.

[peggyfromwastate]

I'm usually out at family restaurants, too...

It annoys me when at Macaroni's they scribble their name all over the paper tablecloth... That space is for my kids to scribble, and it always causes trouble (*I don't have enough space now that X scribbled all over my section of the table* and so on...). I will forget a waiters name as soon as they tell me it. I also get annoyed if they go off into telling me their personal story or asking me if we're done having kids...

But if they stick to explaining the menu or even telling us what they like (assuming they are older than, say, 16) it doesn't annoy me.

Mostly I get annoyed by waiters who just disappear, or bring out everyone's food except for one of the kids', or forget to bring out a drink...

[poky]

I don't think "Hi, my name is _____, and I'll be your waiter this evening" is ever inappropriate, if it's kept to just that. I think Angie and Jenn are right on; it depends on the circumstances whether it should go any further than that. I'm not annoyed to hear what today's specials are, or what they personally recommend, and I appreciate personal reviews of particular dishes I ask about, but I don't want it to go beyond that. I have no east coast in me, maybe it's just the introvert in me.

[spotty_dog]

I don't think "Hi, my name is _____, and I'll be your waiter this evening" is ever inappropriate, if it's kept to just that.

That reminds me, though, that there's something about the language "I'll be taking care of you" that just grates on me!

[Vishenka69]

I don't tip less when they're chatty as long as the job gets done, but it's definitely annoying and takes away from the experience. We've gotten chatty waiters at a number of nice restaurants with no kids present. I also don't believe in making their jobs any harder or being nasty. I just have no interest in making friends regarding of what type of restaurant it is. I'm there to eat, period. I guess that's the East Coast talking.

[MrsC]

I think it all depends on the place and the waiter. I don't mind hearing their name and their favourites. What bugs me is fakeness. I don't mind chatting with someone who's genuinely interested in what you're saying, but being chatty just because they feel they have to, it doesn't work. My pet peeve is when the waiter comes to over to check on you several times (not including clearing plates etc). Once is enough. If I want something I'll ask for it.

[Sheherezade]

Hey - I'm East Coast too! We lived on the Upper West Side for 8 years. I don't think I'd say this is an East Coast thing. I think it is a reflection of the type of restaurant. In a major city, you can find upscale spots and classically trained wait staff. I think people are just as friendly in NYC as elsewhere if you are in the less formal places. We ate at the CPK near Bloomingdales when we were in NYC in September and had a very similar experience to what we experience here at CPK. We also ate at a corner pizza place in Yorkville - and the staff was friendly and talked with us about our day sightseeing when we ordered. If we'd gone out with just adults to a nicer place, I wouldn't have expected them to intrude by asking us what we did in the city that day. My MIL is born and raised in Union City NJ and you *will* hear her life story if you stand in line with her at the grocery store. I'm not buying the "east coaster" explanation. It's just a stereotype.

We haven't been to many very formal atmosphere places here in Cleveland. In fact, we asked once if my DH needed a jacket for a restaurant and were told "It's Cleveland." No explanation needed, I guess. I don't think they have a lot of restaurants here that offer the formal experience. Some, yes ... but it is the exception.

[scrub-jay]

... or asking me if we're done having kids...

That is pretty rude IMHO. That is such a personal question - like one appropriate only for close friends. Period.

[GrayMatterWife]

. . . I also get annoyed if . . . [they ask] me if we're done having kids...

You've got to be kidding. Someone--a stranger, no less--asked you this?!?!

I think I'd say, "No, we're not, but we weren't planning on finishing on your table, so don't worry about it."

But then, I'm not sure why I'm surprised. When I told my boss that I was expected our third, he said, with a brief look of dismay, "Oh, but you already have a boy and a girl. I didn't realize you'd want more."

As if children are a bookend set, and a third child is an unnecessary accessory. Then he proceeded to name all the benefits of having only one child, like he had. Uh, OK. I'm sure you don't mean these comments the way that they sound...

[ladymoreta]

I think there might be some regional variations. When we went to New York, I couldn't really say exactly what it was, but the service just didn't seem as nice as what we had in similar restaurants in Dallas. I definitely wouldn't want "chatty" in that kind of restaurant, but I love to ask questions about the wine and food (just curiosity, I am a foody!) I didn't feel as open to talk to the server about my questions there, and I didn't leave feeling like I'd had as nice of an experience.

[ladymoreta]

I think I'd say, "No, we're not, but we weren't planning on finishing on your table, so don't worry about it."

Haha that's awesome!!! I can't believe a server would ask something like that...

[GrayMatterWife]

. . . but the service just didn't seem as nice as what we had in similar restaurants in Dallas

As a former longtime Dallas resident and someone who has lived all over the country (except the West Coast), I can speak this truth: in general, Dallas has incredibly friendly, chatty, Southern waitstaff and it is completely expected to show Texan hospitality through chipper conversation. There is no comparison to anywhere else!