DH "judging" me

[rockgirl]

I am late giving my two cents but wanted to say that I feel for you. I agree with what everyone has said so far and would add that guys (or at least my DH) like to just fix problems, not talk about them, discuss the options, just fix it. we have days where discussion leads no where and I just leave the room, end of discussion. sometimes I think it's the doctor thing and some times I think it's just a man thing.

no answers, but I've had days like yours.

[Phoebe]

Somedays like today I just flat out tell my husband what I need to hear.

That class sounds really interesting. Let us know what you find out!

[Flynn]

We dealt with a bit of this early on in residency. DH would come home and on days that weren't that smooth for me he would tell me how my issues "really weren't that big of a deal" in the grander scheme of things. He then would go on to tell me that our two year old puking in the car, our infant screaming through the grocery store, and the dog rolling in bird poop was minor compared to HIS day. He's come a long way but I just shake my head at what an idiot he used to be.

In his defense it was usually on days he had to tell a husband his wife was brain dead, a woman had terminal breast cancer, or a child would likely never walk to parents...stuff like that. However, his "tone" when he told me was not positive and his goal of getting me to "not sweat the small stuff" came across as "my day was SO MUCH harder than yours, why are you even complaining?"

I felt VERY judged, sad and down right pissed off. I am NOT a complainer so when I mentioned I didn't have a great day I was told to basically grow up in no uncertain terms.

Medicine breeds self-involved people with limited perspective. He may never "get it" but he does need to realize that a "challenging day" is different things to different people. It's just really NOT all about HIM and what HE thinks. He is merely mortal out of the hospital and fixing things is not his job. Listening is. Helping where he can is. Placing value on a not-so-great-day is NOT his job.

I've BTDT on this subject so I feel your pain. My DH gets it now but that's after 9 years of training and almost 11 years of marriage.

Hang in there. Try and discuss this when you are calm and good luck. It's a tough subject to tackle IMO.

YES, Flynn, yes- you managed to put that into words exactly right, whoah! I may use some of those points verbatim, because that is so exactly what I'm trying to get him to understand!!

And Rockgirl, that "men just need to fix it" also unfortunately seems to be true... I can't verbally process stuff without him seeming to have a "simple solution" waiting before I finish 2 sentences. AND he gets most upset when I'm trying to talk towards a solution with him, and he can't think of one and gets all mad at me "expecting him to always have the answers." Sheesh! I don't think I actually ever expect him to have any answers, unless I've posed a direct medical question. He even has a hard time with other direct questions, for that matter- "chicken or lasagne for dinner?" can stump him. I just don't know sometimes!!

So when I'm not ready to kill him, he's actually not a complete jerk... he's much more of an innocent, inadvertant jerk, and I'm the evil wife who's wishing he would become more aware of it so he could consider cutting it out. If he didn't have 7 days of ICU night call in a row every 3 weeks, I'm sure that would help too.

Thanks for cheering me up... you do!

Jenn